Infertility

[Kyra]

I was wondering if there is anyone here who struggles with infertility that could offer me a little comfort right now.

My first daughter was conceived without a problem. In fact, she was born a little less than 10 months after our wedding! Our next one wasn't so easy, it took us 3 years to conceive her. When I was finally able to see a dr. it only took 2 rounds of the lowest dose of fertility drugs (50 mg of clomid). I thought my problems were solved, but once again we are having no luck. It's been 8 months and I've taken up to 150 mg of clomid this time. Unfortunately I just can't do it anymore. The fertility drugs are far to hard on my body and my emotions, and it makes me feel bad to think of damaging relationships with the children I already have. So we've decided to try a more natural route with herbs, foot zoning, accupuncture and anything else non-medical for awhile.

It hurts so bad sometimes though, and I think at times being a member of the church makes it harder. For one thing, a lot of people expect you to be popping out kids every couple years until you have at least 4 or 5, and until then they just keep asking "When are you having another?" That's the worst question ever. Another thing that makes it hard is that I know there are many spirits needing to come to Earth. There are people out there who don't want kids, people who neglect, abuse and even murder their children. I may not be the best mother to my children, but I love them! Why, when I want children so badly, is Heavenly Father making it so hard for me?

The first time around I realized that there was something I needed to learn from it. I'm a major control freak and I learned that I needed to put my life in the hands of the Lord. I was even given a very special experience when I was at my lowest point. I thought I had learned what I needed to and more, but apparently not.

How do I handle this? I feel like I'm losing faith, and I don't want to. That's the very last thing I want, especially with everything happening in the world. I just need some spiritual perspective right now. I try so hard not to question my Heavenly Father, no good can come of it, but it's so hard not to right now.

Sorry this is so long, I didn't expect it to be. If you made it through, thanks for sticking with it. :)

[pam]

Kyra I have been in your shoes but without any children at the time. Imagine being mid 20's and having to have 1 1/2 ovaries removed. I was devastated as I wanted children so bad. But knowing that the doctor left at least 1/2 in place to be functional enough to hopefully someday be able to conceive.

Time went on. I went through every infertility treatment you could think of shy of IVF. My insurance wouldn't pay for that and each "try" was about $5,000 so that of course was out of the question.

I was still in the ward I had grown up in so I was lucky in the fact that at least some knew my medical history. But it was difficult. I still got the constant "When are you going to have kids" questions.

I eventually was put in as Primary President. This was a mixed blessing. I now had many many children that I could call my own every Sunday. I loved those kids and I think the feeling was mutual. However, Mothers Day was an emotional drain each year. While we did things in Primary to help the children honor their mothers I would go home and cry because I didn't get to experience that same thing. But one year when they were handing out roses to all the mothers..a group of "my" kids came in and brought me an entire bouquet of these roses and said I was their mom too. Talking about emotional and crying.

I knew then how important my calling and my experiences with these kids were. My patriarchal blessing said..I would teach little children the principles of the gospel and they would be greatly influenced by what I had to teach them.

In your case, you have two beautiful little children now that need that same thing. To be taught the principles of the gospel so they can be influenced by what you have to teach them. Yes the Church teaches to multiply and replenish the earth. But....sometimes I think Heavenly Father has a different plan for many of us. It's not about how many we have it's what we do with the ones we have been blessed with.

Anyway...once I was finally able to come to the understanding with myself that perhaps my role in life would be to teach other children (not my own) I was somewhat comforted by that. We went from a Primary that had about 75 active children to a Primary that had almost 150 active children. I put my heart and soul into serving those children.

Long story short here...we decided to adopt. We were able to adopt a beautiful little girl and amazingly when she was 9 months old I found I was pregnant with twins. Fraternal twins none the less. All this after being told I had a 1 in a million chance to get pregnant.

But it all came down to..I think once I could come to that understanding with my Heavenly Father...everything just came into place.

Not saying the same will happen to you. But sometimes I think we need to put our heart and soul into what we have and many times it all "falls into place."

Edited November 9, 2008 by pam

[skalenfehl]

My wife and I tried having children for years. After many heartaches and tears, including surgeries to remove cysts and finally suffering a tubal pregnancy that could have very easily cost my wife her life, she ended up having a full hysterectomy and we followed the path of becoming foster and adoptive parents to two wonderful teenage hellions. I don't regret a moment of it. They're now full grown, I've survived rearing them and have my share of gray hairs (countless visits with school teachers, school principals, police officers and judges), but there are two less terribly troubled young men in the world today.

I feel prompted to share with you that I was promised in my patriarchal blessing with fatherhood and that I would receive much joy and satisfaction as I strove to teach my children correct principles. My boys have yet to make the important choices in life that will turn them around, but I know that they have tasted light and have had the opportunity to learn about the gospel and that there is a plan of salvation and a Father in heaven who loves them. God works in mysterious ways and our blessings come in ways that we never expect, but if we do our best, we come away from our trials much stronger and better prepared for eternity.

I understand the need to be in control of your life and situation, but please realize that more often than not, it is God's will that is being done and not ours. When we realize this and submit to God's will in our lives, we find that the happiness that is ours to claim comes much quicker and the gifts (packages of blessings) attached to our willingness to submit to God's will are also ours to realize. The only thing then that can be difficult to control is the amount of joy that comes from allowing Him to take the wheel. I have no doubt in my mind that I was supposed to be a dad to my two boys and had my wife been able to have children, I would have missed out on these two:

skalenfehl’s Gallery » my boys and me » LDS Mormon Network

Yes, there are many spirit children waiting to be born. There are also many children on the earth now in dire need of love and direction and God loves them just as much. Adoption is not for everyone, but it is possible for infertile couples to have many children. Best wishes.

Edited November 9, 2008 by skalenfehl

[mightynancy]

All my best to you. It took a great deal of effort to have our second child. While she's certainly worth it, my husband and I decided not to get back on that ride. We are at peace with the size of our family. If you and yours are not, you'll need to take actions that will get you to what's right for you. It sounds like you could use a breather from the stress of it all - I know that fertility issues can become all-consuming. Commit some time to enjoying things how they are, and when you feel more relaxed, prayerfully consider your options.

Practical advice: it would never fail that some well-meaning person would say "When are you having another baby? You're going to spoil that boy!" or "Don't you think it's time for another?" or "You know, you really shouldn't put off having children!"....just when I was venturing out into life again after another miscarriage. First, I put the word out that I just didn't want to talk about it. After I made that clear, the rudely intrusive got "My! (fanning myself in mock horror) Whatever made you think you could ask such a personal question??" Then I'd turn my back. Truly, it's nobody's business. It's hurtful when people make assumptions or pry. Cut it off.

I know it's hard, and my prayers are with you. :)

[pam]

People mean well when they make the comments...they just don't understand how hurtful they can be sometimes. Unless you've been there..you just don't understand.

[Kyra]

Thank you for all your responses so far, it's given me a lot to think about.

I have another question though. From the male perspective, how do/did you feel about it? I know my husband wants more kids, he just won't say anything to me about it because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. The problems are all on my end (I have PCOS) and he knows that I blame myself for not giving him the family he's always wanted. But sometimes it also seems like he just doesn't care or worry about it. I know he does, but I really wish he would show it. As strange as it sounds, him showing that he actually cares would help me in some ways. I've tried to tell him that before, but it doesn't make a difference.

And he's such a good Daddy to our girls. Kynati (my 19 month old) asks me all day long "Where Daddy at?" The minute he gets home she won't let him out of her sight, it's adorable. The way he interacts with them and the way they love him proves to me he wants more.

So men, can you help me understand this from his POV? There are times that I just need someone to cry with.

[zookeeper]

Another thing that makes it hard is that I know there are many spirits needing to come to Earth. There are people out there who don't want kids, people who neglect, abuse and even murder their children. I may not be the best mother to my children, but I love them! Why, when I want children so badly, is Heavenly Father making it so hard for me?

There are many bad parents out there. That results in many, many kids out there who need a good home...If you are destined for a large family, maybe you'll get there by saving children out there.?...Just a thought.

Meanwhile, your two little angels need a happy mommy!

And when someone asks you about having more just be silly and say,"Oh, so you've noticed how HOT my husband is, haven't you?!"

[AELK]

I know people will say things. Well meaning but it hurts. Things like, You should feel blessed to have the two you have or ask something about when the next one is coming. Secondary infertility can be frustrating on two levels.... it seems like your body worked okay so why is there a problem now, and people telling you you should be happy with the two you have.

There are many brothers and sisters who have felt and are feeling pain similiar to yours. Often times just knowing them and talking with them helps.

Keep in mind that although well meaning statements hurt, that the individual making the statement just has good intentions. They just want to make you feel better or say something encouraging.

Although there are a lot of methods and treatments for infertility, sometimes it just doesn't work. Our fertility rate drops first at 25 and then again at 35, and by 45 well there is only a 5% chance it will happen at all. And this is for women who don't have other issues.

I am sure that you have explored options... I mean to figure out the real issue. Often we consider it is our bodies that are not functioning properly, when in fact it is something about the sperm count, or the fluids that are not allowing sperm to survive. Sometimes, and I don't know how you feel about this, IVF is needed, because the egg and sperm will not or cannot meet naturally.

I don't know where you live but if you live on a coast there are some wonderful clinics that have speciality procedures... I have heard of one in Virgina, and there are many here in the pacific northwest.

I found when I had pregnancy issues, that reading all about it and trying to resolve and work through it in my own mind, helped a lot. Perhaps that is something you can do.

It feels better for me at least, to be working towards understanding and maybe a solution than just relying on someone else's expertise. I know when my fertility specialist went on vacation for a month, he came back and I was pregnant.. no pills no treatments.....it just happened, after months that turned into years of wanting her. Now she is a senior in high school. I love her more than life.

Hope something I said is helpful, I tend to ramble. :)

Angie

[skalenfehl]

So men, can you help me understand this from his POV? There are times that I just need someone to cry with.

All my wife ever wanted to do in life was become a mother and raise children in a loving home. She loves children as is very good with them. We've served in the Primary many years and she served in the nursury as well and loved every minute of it. She now serves in the Young Women's program.

In the beginning of our marriage when it became apparent through miscarriages and surgeries that she wouldn't be able to have children, despite hoe often we tried, resulting in her final operation, she was devastated. Throughout the ordeal she asked the same questions that you did. Why does God allow so many beautiful children to be born in broken homes? Why are there so many kids getting pregnant and throwing away their children?

All I could do was be there for her and support her through it all. I wasn't really affected as much by it because I knew that somehow my patriarchal blessing already told me what I needed to know many years prior. Oddly enough, having my own biological children seemed unfathomable to me. Maybe my spirit already knew something, sort of like a premonitions. I know it sounds crazy. Anyway, I was for the most part a silent shoulder for my wife to cry on.

One day she picked up a paper and saw a picture of a small boy and his profile advertised by an adoption agency. We had considered adopting infants, but something told my wife that we needed to help out older children. Boy what did we get ourselves into (humor). We applied to become foster parents and took classes and ended up fostering the most structured level boys. There were different classifications of children based on their level of "normalcy." We opted to help the most troubled and see if we could make a difference in their lives. I had no idea I would be able to deal with what I went through and remain a loving father, but I did it. My wife survived, too. Through a lot of tears, fights, troubles, and wide array of experiences and emotions we survived raising them. We love our boys and they love us, too. We still often butt heads, but really, what parents don't butt heads with their troubled youth?

Throughout the entire process, as a man and a father, I simply stayed as close to the Lord as possible in my quest to raise them properly and I learned an infinite amount of patience and longsuffering. I tried to be the parent to them that our father is to us, meting out justice and mercy with all their learning experiences and discipline. All we can do is teach them correct principles, lead by example and let them govern themselves.

There are many less troubled children in the world and adoption agencies let you decide if you're equipped to foster "basic needs" children, which have little to no issues or the "structured needs" children which have a wide variety of emotional baggage.

I know I rambled a lot, perhaps, beyond what you're expecting, but that's how I dealt with it all. I just stayed close to the Lord and prayed for tons of patience and wisdom in helping my wife deal with her grief and then helping her deal with our boys throughout their youth.

[mightynancy]

Ska gives good advice. :)

You may need to simply ask your husband for what you need. Most husbands really want to support their wives and give them what they want and need. They don't always know what that is, though, so we need to ask. I was devastated after each miscarriage - DH wasn't as hurt. I had to share how I was feeling, and tell him specifially how he could help me. He was eager to help once he knew.

[skalenfehl]

Ska gives good advice. :)

You may need to simply ask your husband for what you need. Most husbands really want to support their wives and give them what they want and need. They don't always know what that is, though, so we need to ask. I was devastated after each miscarriage - DH wasn't as hurt. I had to share how I was feeling, and tell him specifially how he could help me. He was eager to help once he knew.

Amen. Half the time, my wife didn't even know what she wanted or needed in order to feel better. But I knew that she wanted to be loved, reassured and understood. All we guys can do is be as sensitive as possible to our sweethearts' needs.

Kyra, broken hearts heal and only with time. You will be fine and much stronger for it. Looking back you'll be amazed at the experience and what you've learned.

[Kyra]

Thank you all again. I've tried telling my husband that I wish he would just open up to me about it, and he didt a couple times when we were trying for our second daughter, but this time around he won't for some reason. At times I wonder how much he has wanted another child, but he's wanted another one since Kynati was about a month old! LOL We compromised and started trying when she was one.

We've considered adoption. We had the papers all filled out and ready to go before I got pregnant with Kynati, but something kept holding me back from sending them in. Shortly after that we found out I was pregnant. We've always known that we want to adopt, but we want older children and the time just isn't right for us. Actually, in Utah you have to be at least 20 years older than the child you're adoptiong, so the oldest we could get is a 5 year old. I already have one of those right now, I don't think I could handle another one. LOL

[Kyra]

I am sure that you have explored options... I mean to figure out the real issue. Often we consider it is our bodies that are not functioning properly, when in fact it is something about the sperm count, or the fluids that are not allowing sperm to survive. Sometimes, and I don't know how you feel about this, IVF is needed, because the egg and sperm will not or cannot meet naturally.

I don't know where you live but if you live on a coast there are some wonderful clinics that have speciality procedures... I have heard of one in Virgina, and there are many here in the pacific northwest.

I found when I had pregnancy issues, that reading all about it and trying to resolve and work through it in my own mind, helped a lot. Perhaps that is something you can do.

Angie

I live in Utah, and there are plenty of places that could help me temporarily. I actually made an appointment with an infertility specialist at the University of Utah last month, but it didn't feel right so I cancelled it. After praying about things I realized that I need to try something more natural this time around to try and heal my body instead of a temporary fix. Because of some things that have happened to my sister over the last year, I've learned that a lot of times those medicines that are meant to help us end up making things even worse. So at least for the next year we're going to try things naturally.

[hordak]

Have you considered the possibility you aren't supposed to have more children(biological)?

It isn't something most women want to think about especially those in the church.

I recall being taught as a youth that i picked my family in the pre existence(should have picked the Rockafellers:D)

I'll be the first to admit i don't know if this is official church doctrine but the priesthood talks to the youth about being chosen to be born in this time and place seems to indicate God would have much more say in the matter then we like to give him credit for. Because we all have different needs and abilities,not everyone will be tall enough to be in the NBA,Smart enough to get a Nobel prize,fast enough to win the gold, or fertile enough to have six kids .

I had 2 kids when i didn't want them but needed them

Couldn't when we wanted another, but didn't need one

And conceived our 3rd when we were ready.

IMO we have less say in the matter then we think we do and need to understand it's not all in our hands.

Guess it depends if you believe children are a result of free will, or Gods will.

[Kyra]

Have you considered the possibility you aren't supposed to have more children(biological)?

It's definitely something I've thought about. In fact, right after I had my second daughter I was convinced we were done, but that ended up just being the post-partum depression. When I was finally feeling more like myself I realized that we were definitely not finished having kids yet. Then when my daughter was 6 months old my nephew was born and the feeling came even stronger that we're not finished. I'm sure there are more waiting for me, it's just up to Heavenly Father when they're supposed to come.

[MormonMama]

I'm sorry you are going through this Kyra. My husband and I have been trying for almost 3 years with no success. I have three daughters from before my marriage, but DH has no children of his own and my children were all older when we married. We had hoped to have at least one or two together, but now that we're in our mid 30's that's looking less and less likely. The costs of adoption are just too prohibitive for us right now. We've prayed and prayed about it and just both feel strongly that we aren't meant to give up trying, though we've had no confirmation that we will be successful either. I'm not really sure what that all means at this point.

Good luck. I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I don't. All I can do is co-comiserate. :)

Edited November 10, 2008 by MormonMama

[Maureen]

...Why, when I want children so badly, is Heavenly Father making it so hard for me?...

Hey Kyra, you know I don't think God is making it hard. I think it's just part of being human when things don't go according to plans. As you can see from the other replies others have faced this same problem, myself included. I was eventually fortunate and was able to have 2 children with very simple medical help. I think through it all, it was a learning experience for sure and it has made me really appreciate my kids. You are still very young, so don't lose hope, you still have time.

[ZionWoman]

Hey Kyra.

So sorry you are having this trouble. Why does God do what he does? I don't know, but like Nephi, I know he loves us. Don't let this consume you. You have two little girls who love you and need you. Be wan they need you to be and help your husband and let him help you. Lift each other. q2 (there, my son has made his contribution to you too )

[Berean]

When we got married neither of us wanted children. Then I changed my mind and eventually he did. Reluctantly at first but now I think he is more enthusiastic. Due to my own health problems I cannot bear my own children...which is actually ok for me considering the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing...

We would like to adopt but are...non traditional. How many LDS men have beards and long hair and how many LDS couples love punk music and are morally conservative but socially ultra-leftists??

We believe the Church is true but *really* are not into the culture. So who would want us raising their baby???

Any child of ours may be poor but will think for him/her self and get a good education. We do not wish to change to get a baby except for the better and asking my husband to shave or get a haircut is like asking the sky not to be up.

I know we need more money even though people whimsically tell us "it will happen" which may be true to an extent but I would really like to be prepared.

I do not wish to hijack this thread but I am also saying you are not alone...although advice would be helpful. The descriptions I saw on LDS Family Services of couples trying to adopt were sweet, but, and I apologize, very smarmy. We are not smarmy people. We are however creative and have good values, in our opinion, such as honesty, hard work, looyalty and of course love for our Savior. But we are poor and weird...and proud of it.

[MormonMama]

How many LDS men have beards and long hair and how many LDS couples love punk music and are morally conservative but socially ultra-leftists??

Our home (who is in his 30's) teacher shaves his head and has a long, straight, narrow beard. No mustache, just this long beard. He's one of the most well-known and well-loved members of our ward.

One guy is a biker in his 50's who wears spurs on his boots to church. Everyone absolutely loves to hear him bear his testimony. He is so friendly and just fun to listen to.

Several ladies have tattoos, and they are still leaders in YW and RS.

So don't let your "alternative lifestyle" be an obstacle. Yes, some folks might judge you on it, but that is their issue to deal with. Don't let them make it yours. What's more important is that you live the Gospel, and from your description it sounds like you are doing that quite well. :)

And LDS Family Services is not the only place, or even necessarily the cheapest place, to adopt from. A friend of mine specifically did NOT go through them for two reasons: 1)She knew all the children placed through them would go to LDS families, and she wanted to adopt a child who would not necessarily have that chance, and 2)Our state agency was cheaper. Thousands of dollars cheaper. In fact, they ended up getting reimbursed through the state for almost every cost.

Something to think about.