Changing my attitude

[daenvgiell]

I think that there's not a day goes by that I don't get yelled at by my mother, but then again I suppose I am asking for it. It's only with her that I seem to have a short fuse. Just now it happened again and it's only 9:15am I was standing next to her, in my heels, she looked up at me and said I think you've grown, I kept replying with I'm wearing heels. She kept saying the same thing, eventually after the third time I said in a more raised voice, I'm wearing heels, then she went off at me, she yelled back at me, told me to change my attitude and such.

I don't blame her, what I don't understand is why I only seem to have this short fuse with her. I want to change, but it is proving very difficult.

Any ideas?

[LDSVALLEY]

At times my wife or I get stressed with life. We quickly find we are on a short fuse with each other. We begin assuming that what the other has said was critical or harsh etc. Everything is taken personally.

BUT we have found a secret that works for us. One of us will get tired of the situation. Then we simply love the other. No matter what is said or how we think it was said, we overlook what we think is a provocation. The first few days can be very hard to do this but we persist. After a few days of swallowing upset feelings etc. It stops being an act, the other person stops taking things badly and we are back to a kind and caring relationship again.

Remember Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results!

Don't try to carry a longer fuse, just love your Mother. When it seems hard to love her act it until it becomes real. Don't try and hold your temper with her, simply love her.

Might sound corny but my wife has given this advise to others and everyone it has worked for.

[MorningStar]

How old are you? I think a lot of people go through a phase where their mother irritates them to prepare them to want to move out. Not that you should talk to her harshly, but maybe you are experiencing some feelings that have to do with you growing towards adulthood?

I think in your mom's mind, she's trying to make nice conversation with you and is boggled why you are shutting her down. Choose your battles. If mom wants to think you grew a couple inches, let her think it and just say, "Maybe I did!" Just remember that she loves you and always wants to have a close relationship with you. :)

I had an experience making a gratitude jar for my dad. All of us siblings wrote reasons why we were grateful for him and put it in a box (I said jar because I stole this idea from my friend) and we haven't been close in many years. I thought it would be very hard to think of that many reasons why I was grateful for him, but as I started writing, all of these ideas kept flowing to me and it was great. Maybe try writing a list of all the things you love about her and you might find there a lot more than you realize.

[pushka]

MorningStar, you took the words right out of my mouth..I was going to suggest she reply, 'Yeah, I may have done, but these shoes make me even taller..', hopefully your mum would get the message about you wearing the heels as well as the comfort of you approving of her comment.

My daughter is now nearly 20. She has always had an independent streak and is currently trying to decide whether or not now is the time to move out and start her own household, either in a flat or small house, with or without a friend. Sometimes when she talks about her desires, and believe me I would support her in whichever way she went, and still be there for her if she felt the need to return home, she sometimes says things that hurt me, I know she doesn't realise they hurt me and I try not to say anything because I realise the turmoil she's going thru at this age, so as MorningStar also suggested, it may be a little of your hormones/aging process vs independent thought going on..

Good Luck with your mum/daughter relationship... :)

[daenvgiell]

I've been out of home for a year, well almost a year, I went to another state so that I coiuld further my studies, I came home once during the year for a month and again now for the christmas break. She misses me when I go and I know she does, but I don't need to talk to her everyday, and sometimes she feels love I don't love her, simply because I don't want to talk to her all the time. I am a very independant person, most of the time, and sometimes I just feel like I'm being smothered.

[MorningStar]

Ah, I see. That's kind of like my mom and my brother. She really missed him when he was gone, he would come visit for a week and then by the end, she couldn't wait for him to leave because he was so irritable with her. He got used to his own space, rules, etc.

[daenvgiell]

its not that I'm used to my own rules and such because I'm living at student housing which has it's own set of rules I have to abide by, I only seem to get short with mum and no one else and at the moment, grandma, dad, and my 2 younger brothers are still at home too. (by the way, I'm 18)

[pam]

Perhaps it's because you are 18. You want to feel your own independence etc. Mom still thinks of you as her little girl. You want to be the adult that you are..mom still wants her little girl. It's hard for parents sometimes to realize their kids have grown up. I know it is for me.

[rameumptom]

We often get frustrated with those closest to us, because we seek the hardest to be understood. Miscommunication can make things difficult. We often see the closest relationships crash and burn due to fear. We fear we aren't understood, loved, accepted, etc., and will set ourselves and others up for a fall, so we are not the ones hurt. Perhaps your mother is doing a little of this. Some parents fear their own lives have not accomplished much, and seek to live out their lives through their children - for her, if you were taller, perhaps it would mean she achieved something she didn't experience in life (taller people are seen as more attractive, intelligent, powerful, than shorter people).

Seek to love your mother. When she keeps insisting on a minor point, agree with her; or tell her you love her. You could have said, "Do you think I'm taller?" with a smile on your face, and allow her to see her perception true.

[Hemidakota]

I think that there's not a day goes by that I don't get yelled at by my mother, but then again I suppose I am asking for it. It's only with her that I seem to have a short fuse. Just now it happened again and it's only 9:15am I was standing next to her, in my heels, she looked up at me and said I think you've grown, I kept replying with I'm wearing heels. She kept saying the same thing, eventually after the third time I said in a more raised voice, I'm wearing heels, then she went off at me, she yelled back at me, told me to change my attitude and such.

I don't blame her, what I don't understand is why I only seem to have this short fuse with her. I want to change, but it is proving very difficult.

Any ideas?

You should remove the shoes and pointed at them while standing next to your mother without saying anything.

Something you need to learn is not to talk back or yell at your parents. Not worth the agony of defeat.

[nzorient]

Hey,

I used to have a short fuse towards mum too. I couldn't stand her coz she was always so backwards. She also works really hard and gets stressed. But until I went on my mission I started to realize that I couldn't live without mum (and she missed me too). My love and appreciation grew for her because I started to understand the things she does was for my good. And I feel so selfish because I never thanked her for any of it. A lot of the time, mum was trying to have a better relationship with me but I was too stubborn to see that.

Why don't you surprise her by packing a boxful of food and say 'come on mum, let's go out for a picnic today'. It might be a good chance for you to have a good one-on-one chat and establish that daughter & mum relationship. Tell her you're tired of all the yelling and you want to change. You'll have to swallow your pride but it might be the start of a brighter friendship. It's definitely worth a shot anyway. Good luck.