Where can I turn for peace?

[smileyjewel]

I have been searching for some advice on a problem I am going through with my 15 yr old daughter. Our family belongs to a small ward where my father is Bishop, my husband is 2nd councelor ... we had this family move in a few years back and their eldest son didn't get along with anyone and contemplated not coming to church for lack of friends. My daughter befriended him and made him feel welcome into the ward. They hung around each other at school and became quite good friends. He is a year older than my daughter and when it came time to date, he kept asking her out, knowing that she isn't allowed dating till she is 16. Well she musta told him quite forcefully one day and hurt his pride because for the last year he has been a real jerk to her. He bullies her to the extent that we changed schools but we can't change wards because we only have one in our little town. He has made church life impossible. My daughter cries every Sunday because of his cruelty and has just quit going to Seminary, because I (stupid me) suggested that if she isn't getting good feelings she shouldn't have to go. Now I am kicking myself because I was hoping it would blow over once he realized what a jerk he is but now she isn't going to Semiary and what if she applies this to church activities and stops going? I have talked to his mother but we both get defensive and it doesn't help. My husband being in the bishopric knows about what is going on but no one knows what to do because they are all my family and don't want it looking like they are picking on HIM?!? What should I do? She is pulling out of everything and why should she when it is HIS problem? HELP!!!

[Wingnut]

Well, the problem sounds like that of no one can make anyone else change themselves. My only suggestion is about Seminary. Perhaps you and your husband and daughter can sit down with the Bishop and the Seminary teacher together and work out a home study plan for your daughter, where she checks in with the teacher once a week, but not have to actually attend class.

[BenRaines]

I take it that this boy holds the Aaronic Priesthood and if he is attending church he is acting in that office. He should be calling in by the Bishop, your daughters grandfather, and have a discussion about what it means to honor his priesthood. This can be a birthday interview or just a checkup interview.

If that doesn't work then an interview with the Bishop and his parents along with the boy. If the Bishop doesn't feel comfortable and wishes to remove himself from it then I, as Bishop, would seek help from the Stake Presidency, which should be impartial.

Ben Raines

[FunkyTown]

Ben's right. This sounds like a classic spoiled, angry kid. Get the Bishop involved, get the Stake President involved.

No passiveness can work in this. You need to protect your daughter.

[smileyjewel]

Thank you for your responses! When I read them I called up the Bishop and suggested he get ontop this problem and also suggested what I think he should do. He said he didn't realize the problem had escalated to this point. So hopefully something will be done and something will work. I will keep you posted! Thank you all again for the great support and advice. I really appreciate it!

[NeuroTypical]

Small wards, like small towns, have their own particular set of challenges. Everybody knows everybody, rumors and gossip seem to be a bigger concern than in big wards/towns. I don't know if this would be appropriate or not, but I would consider placing a spotlight on this boy, and let his parents and as many people as possible know, action by action, incident by incident, exactly what he is doing - no spin, no judgements, just fact. It is a rather forceful way of turning up the heat on the offender and stressing people to act, so it may or may not be an appropriate thing. I mention it because you say it's already bad enough that she's had to change schools.

Yes, this kid is struggling, and his family probably has sturggles also. Yes, we're supposed to bear one another's burdens that they may be light. But none of that even comes close to removing your responsibility to protect your daughter from harm. God made mamma bears for a reason - go be a mamma bear.

Sometimes in order to have peace, you have to fight a battle, and there has to be a winner and a loser.

LM

[Gwen]

i just want to comment on your concern that she will take your logic about seminary and apply it to everything..... there is nothing wrong, and could be a great learning experience for her, for you to sit her down and admit that you now think you were wrong. admit you don't have the answer just yet but that you think your logic was flawed and not the correct way to handle such situations. i would encourage her to talk to the stake pres about what is going on. be proactive, apologize to her where you need to and admit mistakes when you need to. kids can learn from our mistakes if we give them the chance.

[Wingnut]

Small wards, like small towns, have their own particular set of challenges. Everybody knows everybody, rumors and gossip seem to be a bigger concern than in big wards/towns. I don't know if this would be appropriate or not, but I would consider placing a spotlight on this boy, and let his parents and as many people as possible know, action by action, incident by incident, exactly what he is doing - no spin, no judgements, just fact. It is a rather forceful way of turning up the heat on the offender and stressing people to act, so it may or may not be an appropriate thing. I mention it because you say it's already bad enough that she's had to change schools.

I have to strongly -- very strongly -- disagree that this is absolutely NOT an appropriate thing to do. I will refer you to Elder Mickelsen's conference talk from October 2003: LDS.org - Ensign Article - The Atonement, Repentance, and Dirty Linen

[Hemidakota]

I have been searching for some advice on a problem I am going through with my 15 yr old daughter. Our family belongs to a small ward where my father is Bishop, my husband is 2nd councelor ... we had this family move in a few years back and their eldest son didn't get along with anyone and contemplated not coming to church for lack of friends. My daughter befriended him and made him feel welcome into the ward. They hung around each other at school and became quite good friends. He is a year older than my daughter and when it came time to date, he kept asking her out, knowing that she isn't allowed dating till she is 16. Well she musta told him quite forcefully one day and hurt his pride because for the last year he has been a real jerk to her. He bullies her to the extent that we changed schools but we can't change wards because we only have one in our little town. He has made church life impossible. My daughter cries every Sunday because of his cruelty and has just quit going to Seminary, because I (stupid me) suggested that if she isn't getting good feelings she shouldn't have to go. Now I am kicking myself because I was hoping it would blow over once he realized what a jerk he is but now she isn't going to Semiary and what if she applies this to church activities and stops going? I have talked to his mother but we both get defensive and it doesn't help. My husband being in the bishopric knows about what is going on but no one knows what to do because they are all my family and don't want it looking like they are picking on HIM?!? What should I do? She is pulling out of everything and why should she when it is HIS problem? HELP!!!

Your husband needs to confront him personally, then the parents. This should not be tolerant at all. If he is bully at Seminary, he will need to be removed from the program and not your daughter. Take action now....

[NeuroTypical]

I have to strongly -- very strongly -- disagree that this is absolutely NOT an appropriate thing to do. I will refer you to Elder Mickelsen's conference talk from October 2003: LDS.org - Ensign Article - The Atonement, Repentance, and Dirty Linen

If the wave of temptation to reveal others’ sins comes over you, don’t tell your neighbor or even your best friend. Go to your bishop. Leave the burden with him. If it is required, report it to the civil or criminal authorities and then leave it alone.

Yeah, I'll have to defer to Elder Mickelsen's superior advice here, with just a small footnote: 'Reporting and forgetting' does not absolve you of your duty to protect your child from harm. God forbid a mother would just make a token effort to let the Bishop and Sherriff know about her daughter's potentially dangerous ex-boyfriend, and then ignore any subsequent negative behavior and refuse to take action on it.

But yeah, airing dirty laundry probably isn't an appropriate action to take.

LM

[Wingnut]

Yeah, I'll have to defer to Elder Mickelsen's superior advice here, with just a small footnote: 'Reporting and forgetting' does not absolve you of your duty to protect your child from harm. God forbid a mother would just make a token effort to let the Bishop and Sherriff know about her daughter's potentially dangerous ex-boyfriend, and then ignore any subsequent negative behavior and refuse to take action on it.

But yeah, airing dirty laundry probably isn't an appropriate action to take.

LM

I agree that if the situation escalates to the point where is is threatening physical danger (or otherwise) toward her or anyone else, then at that point it would be appropriate to speak with others besides leadership. However, even at that point I would probably limit it to those who are parents of other young women.

[applepansy]

Does the Seminary teacher or the principal at her previous school know about the bullying? If this young man is angry enough to bully your daughter he will bully someone else.

If not, they need to know. Tell them.

applepansy

[smileyjewel]

Thank you for the link for the talk from Elder Mickelsen ... I printed it out and have enjoyed it. I have talked to the Bishop but he hasn't had time to talk to the 2 parties yet ... although his grandaughter is sleeping over there tonite ... men are kinda funny ... no offense ... I know when I am in my Relief Society Presidency meetings we get down to business and discuss ANYTHING bothering our sisters, no holds bar but our Ward Presidency don't bring things up that are bothersome. My husband being in the presidency, I hound him prolly more than I should and ask if something is being done and he always says it wasn't the time to discuss it at that meeting or oh next time ... or it's complicated ... I wouldn't bash or bad mouth our Bishopric but I do get frusterated sometimes ... normal isn't it? I would go to the Stake President but they live in a Ward 2 hours from us and he is always travelling internationally for the church & his job. Just the wrong time to have a problem I guess *lol* BUT I have started on the Bishop and pushing for things like this boys birthday interview (which is this month) and what a great suggestion! SO thank you & thank you for your support!!

[BenRaines]

I think in your case you can talk about the Bishopric, one is your dad and the other your husband. Continue to remind them to make it a priority if you feel it needs to be. They will either do it or tell you to leave them alone.

Ben Raines

[applepansy]

Even though the Stake President is busy and two hours away, if he knew there was somebody who needed help and didn't call because he's busy and two hours away, he would feel bad. At least the Stake President I know would. Don't hesitate to call you leaders if you need them.

applepansy