Lies

[interalia]

I need some advice, but you need some background before giving it.

This post will assume you already know my specific struggle (if you don't, you can see it on my profile).

When I am at church I often feel very alone. I feel like I need to meet the expectations of those around me. Nothing new to anyone here I am sure. I feel like if I were to speak plainly about my interests or how I feel about things, that I would make the other members uncomfortable, so I do my best to "appear" like someone who is comfortable in their gender role (even if I'm not).

Now I've committed to living the Gospel and believe the church is true, but I feel that there is this very important part of my life and history that is not bad, but that I must suppress. As such, I feel like I deceive people all the time, like I'm being fake or inauthentic. I might have specific insights that I'd like to share, but for fear that it would come across as odd from me, I sometimes say I "heard" it from someone else who fits a more gender appropriate role.

I also have another group of friends, online and otherwise, with whom I do not have to put up any walls. They know who I am, they interact with me as I wish to be, and don't think me strange or weird. When I am accepted for myself I feel so incredibly happy - like a great weight is lifted off my shoulders, and everyone I interact with afterwards can tell it (even if they don't know why I'm so elated).

The downside is, the people who treat me so well tend to be people who are transitioning to becoming the other sex as I used to be. This of course tempts me, so I cut off communication with them for a while, only to find myself feeling very alone again.

I wonder if my church friends and others like them knew the truth, knew how I felt, my heart, and true interests, if I wouldn't necessarily NEED to communicate with others who draw me back to darker paths. I could be accepted as a LDS member who has a specific condition that makes me the way I am but who is desperately trying to live the Gospel as the appropriate sex even though it is difficult.

Of course telling others might really have some drawbacks, perhaps people would think I was confessing. I don't feel that I am, because I haven't done anything wrong, I'm quite temple worthy, I just want people to understand where I come from and allow me to be myself around them. Another drawback is that I might make people really uncomfortable - something I definitely don't want. Another drawback is that I might have happen to me what happened in the past and have people actually turn on me and use the knowledge about me against me.

If I had my way, (my selfish way I feel) I wouldn't care what others thought, I'd just be myself, say what I would normally say, share myself and interests without reservation, but know that I am doing my best to continue to live the Gospel regardless of personal struggle. I don't know if this is the best way to be, it might be off-putting. I hear the thing that straight people find the most offensive is when gays, etc. are "in their face" about it. I certainly don't want to be that and don't feel I really ever have been. I always try to be considerate of those around me - perhaps to my detriment.

In the end, I need a way to feel less alone, less deceitful, more open and honest, more myself and to do so with people who will actually ENCOURAGE me to continue on my quest to keep the commandments rather than interacting with those who would tempt me away from those covenants.

Any ideas?

Edited January 16, 2009 by interalia
some typos

[beefche]

It sounds to be that you need a good friend, a best friend, a close buddy, whatever you want to call it.

I'll be honest, if someone I knew but didn't think we were close told me your story, I wouldn't know what to say or act. However, if one of my close friends told me your story, then I would feel as if I could ask questions, discuss thoughts feelings, etc.

Make friends. One or more of them will likely become a close friend. That takes time to build that type of a relationship. Once you trust that friend, share your story, your expectations, your hopes, fears, etc. A friend will listen and will ask/wonder what he/she can do to help.

It may take some time. In the meantime, pour your soul/thoughts/feelings, etc. to your Best Friend, Jesus. He is there to listen and love you now. As you develop friendship, He will help you to open up to your new friend.

Just my opinion and thoughts on how I would handle this if a friend brought up this story.

[JcDean78]

It is such a hard call. I agree with making friends and then getting to a point where you can share this. You can not just be like the Aunt from Greek Wedding and sit down next to people you just met and reveal something so personal.

I just do not know about your situation really. I know that we all have trials and I wish I had the perfect answer for you. One thing I have always wondered is how a Hermaphrodite fits into the picture. Being both a man and a woman.

When I think of situations like that, it reminds me that we are ALL still learning which is why we have a modern day Prophet and why we are told to teach the Word but not judge others.

I genuinely feel for you here as it must be such a challenge to go through being pulled in those different directions. We each have our trials and challenges. My advice is to continue to pray and stay active in the Church. Make friends and then when the time is right, open up to them and share what you are going through.

I wish you the best, stay strong and God Bless.

Edited January 16, 2009 by JcDean78

[Wingnut]

Another drawback is that I might make people really uncomfortable - something I definitely don't want.

Honestly, I don't see a way around this, especially in the LDS community. Yes, there is infidelity, and Word of Wisdom issues, and pornography and gambling, even homosexuality, but your situation is much more unique in the LDS community. Most people (myself included) don't know how (or wouldn't anyway) to deal with it. I know that you and I have chatted a little on this site, and talked a little about your situation, but I'll be honest. If you were in my ward and you told me all about it, I would be at a loss. That is, I'd be uncomfortable at first, and it might take awhile for me to get used to the fact that you are who you are, your past is still a part of you, and you're not a leper. I would like to think highly enough of myself to say that I'd still be your friend, though it might take a try or two.

Another drawback is that I might have happen to me what happened in the past and have people actually turn on me and use the knowledge about me against me.

I certainly hope that this wouldn't happen. I'm sorry to hear that it did previously, though not entirely surprised. Like I said above, it's kind-of eventual in the LDS community.

If nothing else, I'm glad that you have joined this forum and have found some comfort and/or companionship with other LDS people online, where awkward situations can dilute themselves somewhat.

It is such a hard call. I agree with making friends and then getting to a point where you can share this. You can not just be like the Aunt from Greek Wedding and sit down next to people you just met and reveal something so personal.

You mean you don't want to know about the twin growing in my neck?

[lestertheemt]

Even though my trial is very different from yours I feel that we both fear what others think, feel, say and act. In so many ways I honestly thought I was comfortable in my trial, yet I feel completely inadequate in several aspects of church. I feel for you in your struggle.

What has helped me, is to realize that I can't control other people. I am who I am and you are who you are. Our place as members is to not to judge others but to help and build each other up. Find members that will build you up.

You have an incredible story to tell. And those that you share it with will only be edified because of it.

[Misshalfway]

I think if you are lucky in this world you find a group of people, family or otherwise, who really know and accept you as the person you are.....flaws and strengths and all. It is ok to interact and participate and share with people who may have various reactions to you. I think it might be helpful to remember that we can't read others minds. We see behavior....facial expressions and often misread them. It is the tape recorder in our brains that gets triggered by these actions and then we assume they are thinking what we are afraid of. And then we make the mistake of blaming them for the voice in our heads that is really our own.

I think your first battle is to accept yourself and your circumstances. No one will really accept you until you accept you. So, find a way to do God's will AND accept the earthly and maybe imperfect circumstances you may find yourself in. You know, you really aren't that alone. So many of us have crosses to bear that if you looked closer might scare you a bit too. Some are just better at hiding it, that's all.

Once you accept your human-ness, and you stop expecting such contortions of yourself, you will start to accept the human -ness of others too. You will let them have their reactions. You will let them falter and make mistakes without it being threatening to you.

Remember that our earthly trials are primarily to teach US! to change US! So look within for the acceptance and love you are so hungry for. I know it isn't the answer you want. YOu want the world to change so that you are comfortable and so the environment is better suited for your healing. BUT, that isn't the lesson of this earth life I am afraid. The lesson is to learn to become better inside of ourselves first and then as that abundance overflows we touch and bless the lives of others. How they behave, think, decide is their business not ours. We can only be concerned with what we do and how we think about it and then we become a leader and a servant at the same time -- which in the end is what church activity and involvement is all about. God is raising a whole army of leaders and servants -- not a group of cookie cutter goodie two shoes.

Edited January 16, 2009 by Misshalfway

[interalia]

I think if you are lucky in this world you find a group of people, family or otherwise, who really know and accept you as the person you are.....flaws and strengths and all. It is ok to interact and participate and share with people who may have various reactions to you. I think it might be helpful to remember that we can't read others minds. We see behavior....facial expressions and often misread them. It is the tape recorder in our brains that gets triggered by these actions and then we assume they are thinking what we are afraid of. And then we make the mistake of blaming them for the voice in our heads that is really our own.

I understand this perfectly and so do not tend to read into what others act/do, more what they directly say. If someone gives me what I perceive to be a "weird look" or looks nervous, I might ask, "hey what's up?" but I'm far beyond the point of assuming they don't like me. If someone tells me, "Look, I really don't feel comfortable talking to you," then there is no doubt, and I politely excuse myself, no worries.

I think your first battle is to accept yourself and your circumstances. No one will really accept you until you accept you. So, find a way to do God's will AND accept the earthly and maybe imperfect circumstances you may find yourself in. You know, you really aren't that alone. So many of us have crosses to bear that if you looked closer might scare you a bit too. Some are just better at hiding it, that's all.

Once you accept your human-ness, and you stop expecting such contortions of yourself, you will start to accept the human -ness of others too. You will let them have their reactions. You will let them falter and make mistakes without it being threatening to you.

I truly do accept myself as I believe I have repented and that I am just like any other member who is struggling with an issue. In fact, accepting my own imperfections has made me nearly impervious to being surprised or offended by others' challenges (and I have heard some doozies). Those who know me (even if they don't know about my trials) know they can tell me anything without me thinking ill of them and know that I will try to help wherever I can.

Remember that our earthly trials are primarily to teach US! to change US! So look within for the acceptance and love you are so hungry for. I know it isn't the answer you want. YOu want the world to change so that you are comfortable and so the environment is better suited for your healing. BUT, that isn't the lesson of this earth life I am afraid. The lesson is to learn to become better inside of ourselves first and then as that abundance overflows we touch and bless the lives of others. How they behave, think, decide is their business not ours. We can only be concerned with what we do and how we think about it and then we become a leader and a servant at the same time -- which in the end is what church activity and involvement is all about. God is raising a whole army of leaders and servants -- not a group of cookie cutter goodie two shoes.

Well, consider that I am perhaps doing what I can do fulfill my responsibilities in the church and in my family, that I teach and lead by example, and that I have a strong testimony of the Gospel.

I think my issue is my view of church members in general (and here comes a great flaw of mine). I kind of see them as little birds in a guilded cage, kind of protected from the influences of the world and they seem to like it that way. They don't seem to like to address or discuss anything outside of their immediate experience and get uncomfortable quickly when discussions go outside of that. I feel that I want to protect them in a way from the big bad scary world, so I change myself before them, I change myself into what I think will make them the most comfortable - like a chameleon, a skill I've had almost my whole life.

I know this is a wrong viewpoint, and that I don't give the members enough credit. The few members I get to talk to that will move conversation beyond the day's lesson, their church calling, or the weather have shown me a greater depth of understanding. I want to believe this is the rule rather than the exception, and this board has certainly gone a LONG way to promoting that idea. In the end, I'm just afraid - afraid of knocking people out of their comfort zone, after all they could go their whole lives believing me to be exactly as I make myself appear to them, but that isn't doing me much good. I created a farse that I want to tear down, but am unsure how to go about doing it. Fortunately, I just moved to a new ward so now is the time to change if I'm going to, I'm just worried about hurting others.

Each day I have this battle and I think, "I can take it for another day, I can deal with it. Then I won't make anyone else uncomfortable, just me." In the end though I feel like I'm lying, and that feeling that I was lying is what made me stop my transition in the first place - I felt like I was deceiving people then too. I just don't want to do it all over again.

[pam]

[

In the end, I'm just afraid - afraid of knocking people out of their comfort zone

I don't know. Sometimes I think people need to be knocked out of their comfort zone. To know that not everyone is molded out of the same piece of clay so to speak. That not all members of the Church are like all other members of the Church. Sometimes there is a lesson there in tolerance of others. We are taught to "love one another as I have loved you." Does that mean we only love those that are exactly like us?

[Faded]

I know people who are in similar circumstances. I accept them as they are. You do a mental double-take initially, but beyond that, I have no problems accepting them.

I guess I just wanted you to be aware that there are Church Members out there who can and will accept you without being judgemental.

God bless

[Misshalfway]

So really your stumbling block is fear. Right? Well, welcome to the club! :)

Let me be direct and know there is love inside my directness.

Are you really worried about hurting others? Or are you worried about them hurting you? It is easier to place the fear outside of ourselves isn't it? Easier to make ourselves look like the loving ones......and like it is others that we are trying to protect when indeed it is ourselves.

Remember that perfect love casteth out all fear. When we seek to protect others or protect ourselves by controlling situations and controlling outcomes, we are out of balance and outside of our spheres of influence. I don't really think it is your "job" to put people out of there comfort zones.. or to keep them inside them. It is as if you think your presence is a big enough stick to put everyone on their guard! I am wondering if you place too much importance on your issues and too much importance on others and their attitudes and reactions towards your issues. You really don't need acceptance of others to be acceptable. It sounds like you have learned this lesson in your head, but you haven't completely internalized it into your thinking and into your reactions. If you live or act or react out of fear, then you probably will always feel that you are living in a farce. Being ourselves is a complicated thing sometimes. "Who" we are isn't always determined by how we feel inside. It is more determined by our divine heritage and then most importantly, by what we choose! Our problems don't have to define us and certainly don't have to define our worth. Neither do others with their sometimes crazy evaluations of us.

Ok.....so you have issues with gender. So what? Does that make you different than all the other types of "leprosy" that people have in this world? Stop making yourself so "special" and stop dancing around all the rest of us thinking that we are so fragile. You aren't the only one who wakes every morning with some chronic torture facing them every morning. You know what I mean? Our reactions are our responsibility. You don't have to protect us or change yourself to make us happy. If we blow it, well then we blow it. If our apple cart gets rocked, it is most likely that it was for our good. But it isn't your responsibility to effect change in another. If that happens.....well good. But it isn't a process that works very well when we try to control it or think to much about it.

If you choose to change who you appear to be to meet some standard with the world, well, you do that for YOU.....not for anyone else. You think if you alter who you are, then people will like you better or love you more or will not punish you for being different....and you are learning that it doesn't work to go against yourself even if it is out of valid fear and back handed hope. The goal for all of us is to not necessarily be who we are....but to be who our God would have us be. If that were not true, then I would be broken and scared and angry. ALL of us have that mountain to climb as God tells us where to put our feet and as we choose the better part of what this life has to offer us in all of its varied realms.

Move to a place where you honestly identify your fears, your weakness, your victimhood mentality, your need to control the environment and then justify it to yourself, and then without punishment or self reproach, set yourself free.

I wish I could look at you and tell you that every person I meet makes me feel comfortable. I wish I could tell you that I didn't judge or that I was perfectly accepting. I wish I could tell you that when I go to church that I feel loved and accepted every moment! But, I am of the human kind and last time I checked so is everyone else. We all have our handicaps and our blind spots and our achilles heels. So....give yourself a huge break and give the rest of us a break too. :)

I don't know what will work for you to tear down the farce. If you are a fraud, then that IS something that you need to confront and find a way to righteously (inside of God's will and grace) settle once and for all in your mind. You make the choice. You live in that choice and peace that comes from settling the issue and the peace that comes from accepting the consequences. And then you get on with things like living and loving and whatever else life brings you.

I hope you with forgive me for being direct. I don't even know I am right. I just know what I feel to say and I am taking the risk of saying it and hoping you know I am saying it in love. Be authentically who you are today. If you are sad, be sad. If you are confused or undecided, be confused and undecided. Don't change yourself because of some unseen and even imagined pressure to be what you think all the rest of us need you to be.....even if we "need" stuff like that. :)

Edited January 16, 2009 by Misshalfway

[interalia]

I don't really think it is your "job" to put people out of there comfort zones.. or to keep them inside them.

I agree it isn't my job. That is the problem isn't it? By doing nothing I leave them inside their comfort zones, but by doing something I put them out.

I don't think of myself as having any harder struggle than anyone else, just a unique one that I'm doing my best to figure out - its not like there is a board for TG Mormons... oh wait, there is, and do you know what they say? They say the church is wrong - I feel like the only one that defends it, that believes! I don't need influences like that! I need guidance that says the church is right, and here is how you deal when your feelings become unbearable.

I have the scriptures, I have prayer, and I use these in spades. I do my calling, I focus on serving others, ANYTHING to put my focus on others instead of myself when the going gets rough. The fact I even wrote this post (the first one in this chain) means I was at my wits end and decided just to ask because I felt out of options and needed genuine discussion with real members of the church that are really trying to live their lives according to the Gospel.

That being said, I'm glad you wrote what you wrote, it forced me to reexamine my motives, something I feel is very important we all do. Truthfully, I ask the questions I ask to find out if it is worth the pain caused to others to relieve myself of it. So yes it is about me, but not about others being accepting, just about being honest! I'm not even that worried about them being accepting, I've dealt with more than my share of people who are not accepting, but at least they KNEW, and I could be real with them. The only thing I was worried about was unnecessarily hurting them, or having them actively seek to harm me (but even that one I can deal with).

Well, I think I got my answer. I'd rather have them reject me for the truth than accept me for a lie. I need to stop protecting everyone. I think I will start this new ward differently, I think I will be open. I won't throw it in anyone's face, and I won't make a big deal about it either, but if I happen to have something to offer or say that might aid another which contains information that comes from my past, then I will just do so and if they ask questions answer them accordingly.

[JcDean78]

There are a lot of people in our Church that are as you said, like little birds in a cage that are protected from the outside world and know very little about it. That right there is a huge debate of its own, perosnally I feel that too many members go too far to shelter themselves. Jesus went to the sinners but he was strong enough to resit temptation. Perhaps most of us being imperfect fear that we could not be so strong and the temptation might be too much therfor it is better to shelter than to sin. Personally I would rather be tempted and overcome, at least then I was tested and pass because eventually we will all be tempted... there is no way to avoid it.