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bonanzafan

please help

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i am a college student attending the university in my hometown. my family is very active in the church, but has proved to be physically and emotionally abusive consistently. the physical abuse was through the end of my teenage years; by my dad. he never apologized and is now in the bishopric of a ysa ward. my mother is an enabler, afraid to confront and represses all conflicts.

i am thinking of transferring to another school for the sole purpose of getting away from them. i only have feelings of resent and neglect. i can go months without hearing from anyone in my 8-member family. i used to call regularly on a monthly basis, but was advised by a therapist to hold off on that. the way i feel right now--hurt and handicapped at progressing--i just want to not see them at all because i am so starved for affection from them that i will ruin my life to revolve around them...to "earn" their love. i have pondered and prayed over this for about five years now. it seems like i am still in the fire, per se, and can't heal enough to have pure compassion/forgiveness for them. since my dad is close friends with the bishop, all the advice i get feels skewed. no one really knows the bull that he is to his wife and children behind closed doors.

has anyone experienced this? what did you do? how have things worked out?

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I would move out. Usually, in relationships like this, familiarity really does breed contempt. You're angry at your father for something, he's angry at you for something. If you leave, chances are that this will work itself out. If you can't talk to your parents, then don't. Usually, the distance will make you closer and you'll find yourself able to forgive them.

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I also suggest some distance. And keep going with the therapy, so that you can heal. You need to develop healthy relationships and learn to build the healthy acceptance, love, and affection that you need. But you have to start with yourself. That's the only way it works.

I escaped from a dysfunctional family my second year of college. They fought me trying to leave, but then when I got away they didn't contact me and I stopped contacting them either. It was lonely, and I went through a lot of depression. It isn't easy, and it hurts, but you can work through it and change the cycle, starting with you. It does get better.

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I can't say I've experienced the same thing, but I've tried to help a number of people who were in recovery from that sort of thing. Not that I'm any kind of counselor. I guess I'm just a good listener or something. One thing I can't really get a good grasp on is the type and severity of the abuse you're talking about, and that makes quite the difference. Mostly what I'm going on is your own description of your emotional state.

With what information we have, it sounds like you'll end up running in circles emotionally and otherwise unless you can get some distance. Anything that you can do to put more physical distance between you and your family would probably be a very good thing. If your father and your bishop are good friends, that may handicap his ability to discern and advise in you situation, so it would be useful to get to somewhere that you and your family aren't friends to everyone. Preferably somewhere where nobody knows you or your family at all. At this point, the only way to get past what has happened is to get some distance, heal, rebuild, and eventually build up to forgiving. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have a bishop who isn't likely to second guess you at this point.

There are a lot of people out there in the world and in the Church that put forward a good face, but have terrible thing happening behind the scenes. Some of those people don't even realize that this is not the way the rest of society works, and they may just figure everyone is doing the same thing as they are. It wouldn't hurt matters if your father got a wake-up call on the matter -- and then changes. Unfortunately, you can't control his choices.

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Hi and welcome! I hope you`ll find some care and sympathy here. I want to tell yopu something that really hit me two Sundays ago, it may help you to deal with this situation IF you are able to really understand this. I mean I always understood it but it never hit me like it did that Sunday.

Our teacher said it as if just a matter of fact talking very quiet almost like thinking to himself he said the simlpe words: We are all brothers and sisters... our OWN children we will get later if we are worty to it.

It just hit me so hard that, yes our kids here, they are our siters and brothers, NOT our children. Our father is the Hevenly Father and Jesus is our brother. Sudedenly I undesrtood somethig about this sisterhood that I can n ot explain. I jsut gotr a very peacefull feeling about my kids beeing my sisters and brothers, not my kids. I have just got borrowed them and I have got a chanse to teach them.

It really does not matter who are my parents here, as we all are siters and brothers. My kids are not "smaller " than me but we are all equall. The kids that have been abused are in fact equal to the abuser.. and that makes them better than the abuser and the abuser is the one that needs to repend if not ... that person is more sorry for than the one whon was abused at the end, if the one who was abused keeps strong.

Hmm very bad explanation... it was just something really bigg revieled to me, Funny is that a friend of mine got excactly the same "revelation" at the same time.

Just keep strong... move out ... and enjoy YOUR life :) God our Father loves you!

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Hi and welcome! I hope you`ll find some care and sympathy here. I want to tell yopu something that really hit me two Sundays ago, it may help you to deal with this situation IF you are able to really understand this. I mean I always understood it but it never hit me like it did that Sunday.

Our teacher said it as if just a matter of fact talking very quiet almost like thinking to himself he said the simlpe words: We are all brothers and sisters... our OWN children we will get later if we are worty to it.

It just hit me so hard that, yes our kids here, they are our siters and brothers, NOT our children. Our father is the Hevenly Father and Jesus is our brother. Sudedenly I undesrtood somethig about this sisterhood that I can n ot explain. I jsut gotr a very peacefull feeling about my kids beeing my sisters and brothers, not my kids. I have just got borrowed them and I have got a chanse to teach them.

It really does not matter who are my parents here, as we all are siters and brothers. My kids are not "smaller " than me but we are all equall. The kids that have been abused are in fact equal to the abuser.. and that makes them better than the abuser and the abuser is the one that needs to repend if not ... that person is more sorry for than the one whon was abused at the end, if the one who was abused keeps strong.

Hmm very bad explanation... it was just something really bigg revieled to me, Funny is that a friend of mine got excactly the same "revelation" at the same time.

Just keep strong... move out ... and enjoy YOUR life :) God our Father loves you!

That was surely an inspiration of God.

To bonanzafan: I know your pain, and I would suggest getting away from these people. Betrayal of another is invariably rewarded by satan with promotions, higher salaries, and so on. If a person is disconnected from God, they are low on life energy, and abuse the nearest source of any to get some - which unfortunately is usually the children nearby. By staying away you do both yourself and your father the favor of letting him consume himself until he has no choice but return to God, once there is no longer anyone else to "feed" on. No one deserves to be abused on any level, at any time, for any reason.

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