How/when do I tell my husband?

[Gwen]

You needn't worry that any forced divorce will end your marriage, since he is not innocent himself & also abusive, it will be totally invalid to God (So says the Prophets) & you will still be husband & wife 100%, no matter if he goes on to commit Adultery by dating or remarrying for this life. He is still yours if you want him someday & if you repent of your abuses & addictions. You still have time & someday Heavenly Father will help you put everything back together again & help truely heal your children & marriage, if he decides to leave. He will return one day to you & make it all up to you throughout eternity for all his abuses & prideful lack of love. Cling to your marriage covenants & be loving & faithful to him no matter what he does & you will be rewarded with all your heart desires some day.

i'm sorry this is not how i understand the doctrine. if you do not live your covenants, even if you never divorce, but if the marriage is rampant with abuse and unrighteous dominion you will not have an eternal marriage or claim upon your spouse. a covenant is a promise not a guarantee. the lord says if you do these things then i will give you .... if you do not do those things, divorce being one of them but not a requirement to remove your covenant, then you have no promise. if they divorce there is no affair in remarrying. the sealing covenant is first and foremost founded on being leagly and lawfully wedded.

D&C 82:10 I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.

James E. Faust, “The Gift of the Holy Ghost—A Sure Compass,” Ensign, Apr 1996, 2

The Holy Ghost’s Sealing Power

I wish to say a word about the Holy Spirit of Promise, which is the sealing and ratifying power of the Holy Ghost. To have a covenant or ordinance sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise is a compact through which the inherent blessings will be obtained, provided those seeking the blessing are true and faithful (see D&C 76:50–54).

For example, when the covenant of marriage for time and eternity, the culminating gospel ordinance, is sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise, it can literally open the windows of heaven for great blessings to flow to a married couple who seek for those blessings. Such marriages become rich, whole, and sacred. Though each party to the marriage can maintain his or her separate identity, yet together in their covenants they can be like two vines wound inseparably around each other. Each thinks of his or her companion before thinking of self.

One of the great blessings available through the Holy Spirit of Promise is that all of our covenants, vows, oaths, and performances, which we receive through the ordinances and blessings of the gospel, are not only confirmed but may be sealed by that Holy Spirit of Promise. However, that sealing may be broken by unrighteousness. It is also important to remember that if a person undertakes to receive the sealing blessing by deceit, “then the blessing is not sealed, notwithstanding the integrity and authority of the person officiating” (Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R. McConkie, 3 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1954–56, 2:98–99).

To have a covenant or ordinance sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise means that the compact is binding on earth and in heaven.

even if a wife's abuse is a reaction of her husband's abuse (as most wife's abuse is) But the Prophets do say that it is the nature of most all men to become abusive & looking at history we see that this is so. I believe that this is why Pres. Hinckley said that most divorces are the man's fault.

i would like references for this information. i do not believe that most wife's only abuse in response to abuse (of the husband). there are many men that suffer in silence due to the stigma of society about men being aboused by a woman. they do nothing to deserve it any more than an abused woman. i have never heard general authroiteis say that men by nature are abusers. nor are most divorces the man's fault. i would like quotes to back up that assertion.

[Guest queries]

sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a partner is to walk away- when my husband went through his depression the best decision I made was to make him prove to me our marriage was worth saving, that was not going to work if I was not absolutely prepared to leave him that night........... the ball was placed in his court and he worked to put our lives back together

I love my husband deeply and I am intensely proud of him, but sometimes the best way to help a partner or person over an addiction is to take that step back. We have the Holy Ghost for situations like this

-Charley

Ok everyone, thank you thank you thank you for your insights. I'm going to take each one in turn and make a few comments.

Charley - I think you are right on. I was walking down the same stupid road, getting ready to start making the same stupid mistakes. If Mr Q hadn't decided to leave me, I might not have felt the alone-ness and broken-ness that forced me to cry out to heaven and for the first time in my life brought me fully to the Lord. I don't know if he and I will keep it together, but the fact that he decided it was the end might have been exactly what I needed.

[Guest queries]

queries,

His saying that he wants to protect the kids & help them heal is almost surely just an excuse to leave. It sounds like he tried to get you to leave him by his abusiveness & coldness so he wouldn't look bad, but now he wants to leave & just needs an excuse. When wives abuse their husbands or become addicted to something, it is almost always in response to & a self-defense from their husbands abuse.

For him to think divorce won't hurt the kids & it will help them heal is usually completely wrong. Divorce is usually one of the most severe forms of Child & Spouse Abuse, although there are rare times were the divorce is a lesser abuse than the abuse that is going on. But I doubt that is your case, especially if he is abusive also as it sounds like he is. If he has been abusive to you by the things you listed above, lack of attention, self-centeredness, pride, lack of love & respect, all of which are usually abuse, then he is in no way justified to leave the marriage or you or be able to heal the kids. He more likely just wants more control & to hurt you more. Sad to say.

You needn't worry that any forced divorce will end your marriage, since he is not innocent himself & also abusive, it will be totally invalid to God (So says the Prophets) & you will still be husband & wife 100%, no matter if he goes on to commit Adultery by dating or remarrying for this life. He is still yours if you want him someday & if you repent of your abuses & addictions. You still have time & someday Heavenly Father will help you put everything back together again & help truely heal your children & marriage, if he decides to leave. He will return one day to you & make it all up to you throughout eternity for all his abuses & prideful lack of love. Cling to your marriage covenants & be loving & faithful to him no matter what he does & you will be rewarded with all your heart desires some day.

I can tell you have a wonderful heart & spirit. You are a Queen & his #1 responsibility in this life is love & serve you & treat you as such. Your weaknesses I'm sure are mostly a wife's common reactions to a husband's many forms of abuse.

Thanks foreverafter. When I first started reading your posts, I didn't get them at all, thought you were advocating things that didn't make sense. I now TOTALLY get what you are saying (at least I think I do).

Your insight is correct. Mr Q was not loving me fully, any more than I was loving him fully, from many years ago to the recent past or to the present. What I failed to understand is that his lack of love to me is something he will have to answer to God for. It is not something I am supposed to use as an excuse for my own bad behavior. That doesn't mean he is a bad person, or abusive, or evil... he's just human. And like everyone else, me included, he has many wonderful qualities and many stinky ones.

Foreverafter, I would really love to hear how you learned these things. Would you consider posting a blog on your profile to share your story?

[Guest queries]

Tarnished,

I understand your questions & maybe I need to be clearer that even if a wife's abuse is a reaction of her husband's abuse (as most wife's abuse is) it surely does not make it right. Love should be our reaction to abuse, though, as I have pointed out, that is rare & only possible if one turns to God for the strength & love to do so. Both spouses need to repent if they abuse the other in any way. Abuse is always wrong, whether it's a reaction or not. But the Prophets do say that it is the nature of most all men to become abusive & looking at history we see that this is so. I believe that this is why Pres. Hinckley said that most divorces are the man's fault.

I agree that I do not have the whole story here but Abuse is a cookie cutter thing, many similar elements are present whatever the situation. Pride & an abusive mentality is just that way. So when someone is mentioning the telltale signs of abuse, it usually means it's not only true by worse than they are letting on or worse than even the wife herself is usually willing to admit. Most abused wives are in denial to how abusive their husbands really are or have been. They simply don't want to see it as abuse.

Also, the only way for him to really break the sealing & not commit Adultery by breaking his marriage vows & divorcing would be if he was completely innocent of any abuse himself. You must be innocent (not perfect but not abusive in any way) to be justified to divorce & move on. It is very rare for one spouse to be so innocent, which is why the Prophets say a justified divorce is "rare", even though Abuse & Adultery & Addictions are not rare but rampant. He would also have to have kept his covenants to have True Love for his wife if he was innocent, which the Prophets say if he did would mean he would never want a divorce, for True Love never ends or gives up on their spouse, they would rather die 1st. So, he seems to be telling on himself.

In my situation this is completely correct. Mr Q is no more innocent than I am in the lack of love in our relationship, although it is probably safe to say that my wicked responses to that lack of love are more grievous and heinous than his reactions to it. He will still be accountable to God for his treatment of me; he has always stated that he had no idea he was not being loving to me, and that if he did hurt me, he did it unintentionally. My response to him? It doesn't matter. It's between him and the Lord. Even if it WAS intentional, I still could have - and should have - forgiven it.

[Guest queries]

Are you admitting to addictions? if so then this is probably where you need to look first.:)

Yes! I am admitting to addictions. I have new insight about addictions after this weekend.

For someone to say, "How could my spouse choose their addiction over me?" tells me, that person does not understand addiction.

On the other hand, for someone to say, "I cannot overcome my addiction," tells me, that person does not understand the atonement.

[Just_A_Guy]

I have said repeatedly that a spouse must protect themself if they are in danger & may not be able to live with a spouse who is trying to harm them, but they in no way have to break their covenants in order to protect themselves. There are many ways a spouse can continue to love & serve their wicked spouse & help the repent, if even from a safe distance. But that is a rare situation.

Foreverafter, sometime ago you alluded to a speech from Brigham Young given in October of 1861 which outlines two ways a wife may "be free" of her spouse in the eternities. See here for the pertinent portions of the text of that speech.

First, a man forfeits his covenant with a wife or wives, becoming unfaithful to his God and his priesthood—that wife or wives are free from him without a bill of divorcement. Second, if a woman claims protection at the hands of a man possessing more power in the priesthood and higher keys, if he is disposed to rescue her and has obtained the consent of her husband to make her his wife, he can do so without a bill of divorcement.

President Young is clear: if the husband is unfaithful, the woman is free in the eternities.

In the alternative, if a woman can find a worthy priesthood holder who wishes to marry her (and that man, by default, will have "more power in the priesthood and higher keys" than the first husband who, by his unworthiness, has no priesthood whatsoever--see D&C 121), and the first husband consents (which per my understanding of Church procedure is necessary in order to obtain a cancellation of sealings)--again, husband #1 has no claim on her in the eternities. In short, a husband has no claim on his ex-wife who has received a formal cancellation of sealings and has remarried a worthy priesthood holder.

Oh, and by the way: I pray you will never have to walk the road to which you seek to condemn others.

[Guest queries]

An unrepentant spouse giving up on a marriage is not very uncommon at all, unfortunately.

The truth of the matter is not setting a rule of "never give up." The truth is, the Lord will tell you when you have given enough. The Lord will not condemn you for giving up when the sins of your spouse exceed your ability to handle. The world says you can walk out anytime for any reason. The Lord says differently, but the Lord does not say that you cannot walk away. He simply sets the bar higher.

Lovely quote you have there. Are you going to tell us where you got it? I don't disagree with the contents of it as general rules, wherever it is from. A lot of the wording seems off to me, but it's hard to tell since we don't know where it came from. But it does not command that one must stay in the marriage. It makes the case that there are times when you probably should. I don't disagree with that in the least. But bear in mind that there are times when you CAN walk away. There are also times when you SHOULD walk away. Only the Lord can tell you when that is.

I totally agree with this Faded. This is why I think none of us are in a position to judge each other on this or any other aspect - we just have no idea what the intents, hearts, or actions are from all the people who are involved. I do though agree with foreverafter that if you must keep your part of the covenants you made as completely as you are able to do so - and that if you do, you will ultimately be happier.

[Guest queries]

Early in your marriage (a few years in) you found yourself becoming attracted to men other than your husband. You found yourself chatting with other men online and participating in online romances through chat programs. This led to you being unfaithful to your husband, I don’t know to what extent as you have not specified but you did mention being unfaithful. About five years ago through the help of your husband and your bishop you confessed your sins and repented of your unfaithfulness. You and your husband began to work hard on rebuilding your relationship. Part of this was creating a “trust rule” of no chatting online. This trust rule allowed your husband to rebuild his trust in you after you had broken his trust by being unfaithful. You both started really working on your marriage, including weekly dates, daily scripture study and prayers, and for him, less time spent on the TV and more time spent with you. After five years of doing very well you both started to slack off on your commitments. He started watching more TV again, your dates, scripture study and daily prayer fell by the wayside, and you started feeling the lure of internet chatting and socialization again. You found the lds.net site and found their chat area. You logged on and chatted with a few people, rationalizing that as the site was innocent and because the rule was your husband’s and not God’s that you were ok in what you were doing. When you told your husband he overreacted, becoming very upset about the whole thing. At first he calmed down a bit but after some time to think on it all he has decided to leave you and take the children with him.

This is where we are now. Is this correct? If not please correct me, I want to make sure I have the story right here.

It is probably important for me to add a few more details.

About three years into our marriage, we had our first experience dealing with my infidelity. I went through some counseling, but not much; we worked with our bishop and supposedly everything was fine. Nine years later, we went through what you've referenced above, starting with online chatting and leading up to online and physical romances. I had some extensive counseling at this point. We had marriage counseling. Yes, we had the "trust rules" that included no chatting, and you are absolutely right, I rationalized, after five years of honoring them, that they weren't necessary, and it was ok to chat with LDS people on LDS.net. However this most recent round of "chatting" has not been completely innocent - I found myself being sucked back into my addictions and started building relationships and having conversations that are inappropriate for a married woman. I found myself wanting to be with other people.

I want to make it clear, too, that chatting is not my real addiction or problem. Even if I had kept that trust rule, and had not been out chatting, I was still turning my heart from him and would have *eventually* physically broken my marriage covenant (in addition to breaking it emotionally). When he asked me, "Can you promise "IT" won't happen again?" (with "it" being the physical part of that breach of covenant) and I knew the honest answer was, I could not - this is the addiction.

If this is correct then I want to make a few observations:

1. When you first sinned you created a trust rule with your husband so that he could rebuild his trust in you. When you decided to break that rule you also chose to break all the trust you had built up with him over those five years. Because of this he doesn’t know what he can trust from you, he does not know if what you tell him are lies or actual truths. When you tell him that you are doing nothing wrong he does not have the foundation of trust to be able to believe you.

2. Based on this loss of trust I have to wonder about his reasons for wanting to leave. If he is questioning whether or not you are in contact with old boyfriends and is wondering whether you are being unfaithful again then might he want to leave so as to not go through the experience again? Only you know what kind of agony he went through previously, might he want to spare himself and his children from reliving that agony again?

Now this is not to say that he is right in his choice. From what you have said you have not sinned again, instead you are trying not to sin and are trying to get your life back on the right track. However, please consider that you are the one who broke the trust and to repair your marriage at this point you would need to find some way to rebuild that trust again. Trust is so very fragile, it takes so little to shatter it and it takes so long to rebuild it. Again as I have said before, my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you, I understand so well what you are going through. I pray that you do not take offense to anything I have said but instead see the spirit I am trying to say it in.

You are absolutely correct in all of this. Yes, I cannot be trusted. Yes, he is trying to spare himself and our children the agony of having to live through my behavior. I completely understand why he has decided to leave, and know that I have destroyed an enormous part of his life, his heart, our family, our children... oh yes. I am in no way offended by these awful and terrible truths, they are all 100% correct.

I know the chances of me being able to save our marriage are quite slim. But I feel that I have to do what I know to be right, which is this: my covenants are still intact. I was sorely tempted while traveling last week to go be with someone else. But I didn't. That, I think, is my only saving grace. The fact that I didn't do it, even though I wanted to and I could have. I think that is why I was able to call on the heavens for help and they granted it to me.

Not a lot has changed on the outside, for me: I am still married, and I expect I might still struggle with being faithful. I'm working on it. I plan to go to my local church run 12-step group. But I think my heart has changed, and I have some routines in place that will hopefully help it stay bound with Jesus, who owns me now.

Mr Q is the one whose world has changed. He is the one who thought that after five years, he was safe and didn't have to worry about me being unfaithful to him... only to find that he still has to worry about it. He feels that he must leave in an act of self-preservation. I can't disagree with that. My heart is sick with the destruction and havoc I have caused, and just wants to love him and serve him in any capacity that he will allow, whether he stays or goes. I trust, like foreverafter says, that in the eternities it will all work out.

[Tarnished]

Satan really tries his hardest to bring us back to bad habits. I am glad to hear that you have been able to resist the temptations. I am glad to hear that you are starting on a 12 step program. It is sad that things would end up this way between your husband and you, but it is good that you are doing so much to keep yourself headed down the right path. I am sorry that your husband is not willing at this point to help you work through this. I hope wherever your lives go that you are both blessed to stay strong in the gospel.

My heart is sick with the destruction and havoc I have caused, and just wants to love him and serve him in any capacity that he will allow, whether he stays or goes. I trust, like foreverafter says, that in the eternities it will all work out.

I know this feeling, I felt it so strongly the day I told my husband about my infidelity. I still feel it, it is awful knowing the pain and suffering you have caused someone who you love so much. It makes me wish I could turn back time.

[Faded]

This verifies something that I had suspected. Chat programs in general are your own personal "online porn addiction." What I mean by that: A person who is addicted to online pornography feels a compulsion to go find porn whenever they are online and nobody is watching. Being online is not the problem. The compulsion to fall into bad behavior patterns whenever the addict is online is the problem. You're addiction is to seek out online romantic interests, flirt, and proceed down an even more destructive path, leading directly to adultery if you don't stop yourself.

I'm beginning to wish that the Church Leaders would focus on the addiction trap that Queries fell into: Addiction to online flirtation and online romance. It is visibly far less obvious in it's danger when compared to pornography, yet it is FAR more likely to lead directly to adultery and/or fornication. And the worst part is, once you've learned the behavior pattern and followed it all the way to infidelity, you're going to seriously struggle to not fall back into the same habits whenever you are online. Having an online romance lead to infidelity once makes it a learned process. That is now your default behavior. You'll default to running down that road and take it all the way to being unfailthful every time without flinching. If you're lucky, you'll stop yourself short of finishing the deed. You definitely need to go through a 12 step program and I hope that helps. What can you do to prevent yourself from ever going there right now? You need to make it impossible for yourself to have access to continue bad behaviors until further notice. How might you accomplish that though?

If you're husband was still around I would ask him to lock your computer and not let you on unless he is in the room. But obviously, that's not an option currently. I'm open to suggestions on how you'll manage it.

If I act like a know-it-all in relation to online addiction, it's because I've been there and done that. I know what it is like to be addicted to similar things.

Edited April 8, 2009 by Faded

[Guest queries]

Thanks Faded - you're right, online relationships are a big part of it. Because of the history with and continued struggle against in-person relationships too, I consider it more of a sex addiction than straight pornography or chat addiction. I think it's going to have to be me making my own preventions - I work in a primarily online environment, and travel often enough to be out from under any watchful eyes. Unfortunately it's something I have to discipline myself against.

[Faded]

Queries, please bear in mind that I'm definitely not in the mode of criticizing you or trying to make you feel bad. I think YOU realize it, but I'm covering myself before someone else decides I'm attacking you or being unfair, or being mean, etc.

Right now I'm trying to think of how to advise you in creating a safer environment for yourself. From what you've said, your circumstances are FAR from ideal for being able to create a "safe-zone" for yourself. Do you have any ideas that you might use to help yourself? Self discipline is seldom enough. I'm trying to think of ways that you can stack the deck in your own favor.

Edited April 8, 2009 by Faded

[Guest missingsomething]

Well Give him my post...And instead of giving you what I think I will give you what I know.

These below are the Standard of Living Life for them who are of God.

1. A divorce on the earth is not necessarily a divorce in heaven. Once God has joined a man and a woman Spiritually....no one can sever that bond until God does it Himself.

2. Unconditional Love is first an act of will...and it will dispel frustrations, anger and it will instill patience and not compel nor force our spouse in any manner. And later a man will become what he thinks. As a man thinketh so is he. So after a while a Man will know only Love for his wife and see only the good.

-------------------------------

3. The Husband/Father...is responsible and accountable to God.

a. Physical upkeep and safety of the family.

b. Spiritual teaching for the family and children.

c. Happiness of the Family.

If a man remarries after he divorces his wife...and God has not told that He can do so...He commits adultery. For God did say let no man put asunder what God has joined. And also cause His wife to commit adultery if she remarries. And her sins in a great degree are added to his.

P/s....Jesus said that He was married to us...and calls us back after we have backslid even in our adulteries...can a man refuse to do as the Lord as done and think that the Lord will forgiven him?

Jeremiah 3:14 - Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion:

After he has digested this post ....I think you can tell. Oh yeah...do not forget to thank and praise the Lord for every mishaps and feelings and accidents in your life experiences. For all these things are permitted by God.

Peace be unto you

bert10

can you please note your source for your information.

[Guest queries]

Queries, please bear in mind that I'm definitely not in the mode of criticizing you or trying to make you feel bad. I think YOU realize it, but I'm covering myself before someone else decides I'm attacking you or being unfair, or being mean, etc.

Right now I'm trying to think of how to advise you in creating a safer environment for yourself. From what you've said, your circumstances are FAR from ideal for being able to create a "safe-zone" for yourself. Do you have any ideas that you might use to help yourself? Self discipline is seldom enough. I'm trying to think of ways that you can stack the deck in your own favor.

Thanks Faded, no worries at all.

Your question has had me thinking. Here's something from Alma 19:

33 And it came to pass that when Ammon arose he also administered unto them, and also did all the servants of Lamoni; and they did all declare unto the people the selfsame thing—that their hearts had been changed; that they had no more desire to do evil.

So this is where I am right now: my heart has been changed and I have no more desire to do evil. My experience is, that while my heart is bound to the Savior, precautions are good but not really necessary. And when my heart is NOT bound to the Savior, all the precautions in the world won't stop me if I want to do evil. For me, the million dollar question is this.

How do I keep my heart turned to the Savior?

Another scripture I read this morning, this one from Alma 5:

48 I say unto you, that I know of myself that whatsoever I shall say unto you, concerning that which is to come, is true; and I say unto you, that I know that Jesus Christ shall come, yea, the Son, the Only Begotten of the Father, full of grace, and mercy, and truth. And behold, it is he that cometh to take away the sins of the world, yea, the sins of every man who steadfastly believeth on his name.

If you do a search on the scriptures on lds.org for "steadfast," you'll find plenty of scriptures in the Book of Mormon and D&C that reference steadfastness in relation to eternal life. I can't wait to hear all your wisdom on how to stay steadfast. That's my current goal for my life.

[Guest queries]

Oh yeah...do not forget to thank and praise the Lord for every mishaps and feelings and accidents in your life experiences. For all these things are permitted by God.

This one really jumped out at me today Bert. Thanks for this. I totally understand it and say amen.

[winterstar]

i want to say, you CAN overcome it. You may need to give up the internet and any other means of "meeting" and playing at romance. Not even email.

Second, it sounds as if your husband makes you feel that tv time is more important then you.

If so, tell him.

[Wants2Know]

I would take the test and tell him. He has a right to know, and the sooner the better. It's up to him what decision he makes - but at least you've been honest about it. I'm sorry you're in this position... wishing you the best.

[Guest queries]

Thanks winterstar and wants2know. I've come to the conclusion that we've built the kind of relationship that is incredibly selfish and unloving: I have loved myself more than him, and he has loved himself more than me. He doesn't trust me to be faithful (emotionally or physically), and I don't trust him to take care of me in any way (emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically).

I feel though like my eyes have been opened and I can see where we are and what we have been doing to each other for all these years. I want to love him more than myself, and I want to be trustworthy and trusting. I just don't know how to get there from here, and I don't know if he wants those things. I don't believe that he does, and I don't think it's possible for the marriage/family/relationship to be saved or rebuilt unless he turns his heart back to it too.

[Guest missingsomething]

Que

Have I missed it or have you withheld it....

are you pregnant?

[Guest queries]

Que

Have I missed it or have you withheld it....

are you pregnant?

You missed it! Back on page 2: false alarm, the test was negative. No new baby Q for us.

[prospectmom]

The only one you have control over is yourself....... work on being the best you can be prayers, scripture study, read conference talks etc.... You will grow and become al you are ment to be and tht is the only thing you can do.... Your hubby has to come to terms with it all on his own ... I know it will all work out no matter what happens if you take care of you and your children.........

[Guest queries]

Hi to my friends who've been commenting on this thread - thought I'd give you an update.

Things are better between Mr Q and I in the sense that the hurts are fading a bit and so we can both think/see a little more clearly. I've been going to the LDS addiction recovery program 12-step meetings, and I really like them. It's like having an hour of seminary every day on my lunch break. I'm also learning some great things about myself and am realizing that I have a lot of work to do in order to get my thinking and actions in line with God's will. I have great hopes and expectations for my recovery. I've been going to the general addiction meetings, but tonight will go to a womens meeting for my specific addiction. On Sunday Mr Q came with me to a meeting where there was a spouse's support group, I think he appreciated it and I am hopeful that he will come again.

Yesterday he and I had a great talk - it was his birthday, and I was able to share some of the things I am learning from the 12-step program, and expressed my love and concern for him and my desire for his healing and recovery in addition to my own. I urged him to go to the temple and do what he needed to do in order to feel God's love and guidance. He and I are currently at a little bit of an impasse - he feels that he can't stay with me if I am at risk of relapse, and I feel that I can't promise him that I won't relapse. It may be that I won't, but I think I would be foolish to make such a promise and if I did, he would be foolish to believe it.

After the kids and I sang happy birthday and gave him his birthday present, he gave each of the boys big hugs, and let me give him a kiss on the cheek and a hug. It is the most contact we have had in weeks and it felt heavenly.

[Pintail]

So your husband is so fed up with this issue that he is planning on leaving you, taking the kids yet is happy to roll around naked with you???

[prospectmom]

Pintail you obviously did not read queries last post

and let me give him a kiss on the cheek and a hug. It is the most contact we have had in weeks and it felt heavenly.

not a very positive response from you........

[Pintail]

Pintail you obviously did not read queries last post

not a very positive response from you........

The last quote does not make my question invalid. I would think that if someone is to the boiling point to where they are planning on a divorce and willing to take the kids then an intimate relationship is probably the last thing he/she would want to participate in with the spouse...maybe that's just me though. Considering the timing, it seems to me that this circumstance is exactly what position they were in (he threatens to leave and now she thinks she's pregnant and worried about what lies ahead.)

My thought is simply that maybe it was just an empty threat to hopefully cause her to come to a realization of what her actions may lead to.

Are responses on this forum always suppose to be positive???