PLEASE HELP! Inactivity - wanting to go back...

[tearbear]

Hi,

I hope I'll be able to get some advice on a problem I'm having... I'm not sure where to turn!! I'll write (as briefly as I can) all that's happened in the last couple of years...

I met my partner when I started a new job in June 2007. At that point, he was just a friend. Anyway, he was LDS, and introduced me to the church. As we started discussing things, we became closer, were an item... I was taking the discussions and was then baptised mid-October 2007.

We were very happy in the church... He had already been a member for around two years and loved everything about the church... He was the stake YSA rep and institute rep, as well as being a ward missionary. I was also called as a ward missionary after a few months, and loved being part of the work.

Anyway. Around 10 months go by, and we're in August 2008. Very innocently, wanting to learn more about church history, I started Googling things, and came across a lot of things that weren't in line with what I was being taught. Things that were completely different, and I remember feeling completely shocked and as though these things couldn't possibly be true... In all honesty, I don't remember details (thats how important all this seems to me now!) but there were things about archaeological evidence for the BoM, discrepancies about things happening in Palmyra etc... I felt cheated, and the more I tried to look for things to put it right, to find an explanation... The more deep-set these things became. I told my partner about what I'd seen. I was terrified, I thought he would break up with me for looking at things like this, even though it wasn't something I'd set out to read, that wasn't what I wanted at all... I was very happy in the church... But he turned around and said he'd had questions of his own, and things hadn't "felt right" for a while.

Anyway. After speaking to a few people in the stake - friends, our Bishop - and after reading a little more, we left. That was late September 2008. There had been about six weeks between my first reading about the church and us writing to the Bishop saying we were not going to be attending any more.

We had a couple of meetings with the Bishop after that, but questions didn't get answered. Honestly, I don't think I was ever honest about what I'd seen, and what I needed answering. I was too scared to mention anything, even though it was having such a detrimental effect on my faith... I was scared what their responses would be - I thought they couldn't possibly refute everything and have "decent" answers. So I gave brief responses to his questions and left it at that. My partner said even less. He still hasn't really explained to me what HIS problems were with the church.

In the last 7/8 months we haven't been to church at all.

We've done things people usually do when they leave - lived the life of a couple of 20-somethings that aren't members... The way people in society generally live. With all the bells and whistles. We're living together now, as of late March 2009, in a rented house. We've just been wandering along, not really thinking about anything other than ourselves and trying to make ourselves happy in this new life we have.

Last Sunday, my partner proposed to me. I'm exstatically happy about that, and I love to think that we're going to be married and REALLY start our life together...

But here's the problem. Over the last month, since we moved in, I've been thinking "OK, things are going to the next level now... We're not just dating any more, what is important to ME? What will make ME happy? What do I think will make US the most happy?" And honestly, I really would like to go back to church. I try to think about the details that led me to leaving, and I cannot think of a single one. Nothing that would seem THAT important. I think I perhaps acted on a whim. All I know now is what I feel in my heart, and I feel that church is the right place for us to be. Especially now... We're going to be married, and shortly after thinking about starting a family... This is a whole new ball game. Where do I want to raise my family? The answer is, I would LOVE to raise my family in the church. I loved who I was back then. Not that I'm a complete monster now, I'm still a pretty good person, but I felt that much better on the INSIDE. I think about my marriage, and the first thing that pops into my mind is the Temple. I never got to go through my endowments when I was in the church... I did some baptisms, and that was amazing, but I want to be able to go through the Temple. I want to be sealed to my husband. I've gotten nothing out of being away from the church, other than a few hangovers and after the initial feeling of being "free", just a kind of emptiness. I miss the social activities, I miss my friends that I made in the church (I still see them, but not as much with being away), I miss the family-oriented feel to the place. I miss being around genuinely GOOD people.

Now, if he felt the same, it would be amazing, but that's the problem. He doesn't. He doesn't even know if he believes in God at all any more. He's perfectly happy the way he is, and doesn't see the need to change. He says the person he was at church wasn't him. He looks back now and hates the person he was. I can't see him ever going back... And he still won't tell me exactly what it was that made HIM leave in the first place, what HIS problems were.

I want to go back... But not without him. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with... I love him more than anything in this world and cannot imagine my life without him... But I want a life in the church. I don't want my family to be divided... I just don't know what to do

Also, a further point... If we do go back to church, I'm terrified I won't get my Temple marriage anyway (I'm in the UK, so it would have to be after a "normal" ceremony) because of us living together now. But a Temple sealing is what constitutes marriage for me, I can't imagine it any other way...

I'm sorry to go on for so long... I didn't mean it to be this long, I've just never spoken about this before and it's all come out at once!

[pam]

Life is hard and throws us for a curve sometimes. Sacrifices need to be made at times as well. But the important thing is: What is more important? You and your eternal progression and salvation.

[cyoung]

Ha. It says "quick reply". A crossroad has come into your life and you have to take it. You will have to live with it possibly for eternity. I grew up in an LDS community as a non-member and was the recipient of a coupe "crossroads" decisions. Thank God they decided the way they did. I eventually joined the church and the girls that chose better have been greatly blessed. I still love them but not as much as the convert that found me after my mission. 30+ years now.

[Hemidakota]

Good morning Tearbear.

My dear sister, there is no happiness in sin or found in this world. As we draw closer to the end of this telestial state, darkness is already covered the earth and the Spirit will eventually withdraw itself and only the righteous of the world will find it and cling onto it. It is these people of GOD will be the only ones who find that happiness doing the times of pure wickedness.

Sister, once we become disobedience and challenged that same Spirit that gives comfort, it will withdraws itself and usually, you will know it once you have a tasted it what it feels like. I do see, you already know.

You need to repent and seek out forgiveness from the Godhead that you may again receive back once was yours. You need to look at this day as a new day. Let it be a day of hope and salvation as to return to the Gospel and be His servant again. Now, you will need to remove anything from your life that is considered a sin or not in harmony of what is taught from on high to His servants. This is the only way to return to that path as Lehi saw in his dream – Tree of Life – clinging on to the Iron Rod, which is the Gospel of Christ. I promise you, you will see again the joy and happiness you once tasted.

If there is anything that needs to be cleared up, this is your opportunity to approach the leadership of the church. This is first step of humanity and being subject to HIS will. No matter the consequences of your previous choices, or what may be given as judgment to those things you had erred, it is out of love for you.

Avoid the internet for doctrine answers since Lucifer, my dearest brother, uses truth and twists it for his own accord. Yes! Pretty much the world is his for now and holds many as his minions in name of Christ. I had met those who profess to be Christians, who really do not served the Savior or truly know Him personally. The only serve themselves or a servant of Lucifer. It is sad day for them that profess the name of Christ when they bear false witness to those who seeketh the truth.

Remember, there is no question that cannot be answered, my dear sister. You can start with Mormon.org - Home, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and even this site in asking for answers. We do love you for asking and seeking advice. We are here to help and support you in anyway that maybe fruitful for your salvation. GOD bless….

http://i.azjmp.com/0SbSY "We do a stupid act, hopefully we learn from it and not to do it again."

Edited April 28, 2009 by Hemidakota

[rameumptom]

This is something you need to fast and pray about. Take it to the Lord, and see what he tells you. Make your questions specific, and be patient for His answers.

You will have to decide whether your faith in the Church or a marriage to an agnostic is more important. Some try to choose both, but few end up succeeding in the long run. The statistics show that only about 2 in 10 men who are married to a LDS believer will join and be active in the Church. Then, if you choose to have children, the issues will resurface when it comes time to decide how to raise the kids.

Yes, you love him. But I think if you are patient, God can provide someone else for you, when you are ready for the temple.

As for the issues with the Church that you and he have had in the past, I suggest this wonderful talk by Davis Bitton, LDS Church Historian. I recommend you read other things at the fairlds.org site, as you will find answers to many of the questions you have.

This isn't an issue of whether Joseph Smith and others were human and made mistakes. They are and they did. It is a question of whether God called them as prophets. And you've mentioned how good you felt inside in your active church life. That is the Spirit of God testifying to you that these things are from Him, and are not just a fraud.

The question is: how much are you willing to do for God and your eternal joy? Are you willing to hold off on temporary happiness of marriage, and first give yourself a chance to find your spiritual self first, BEFORE you accept and enter into marriage? You can always marry or not marry him later. But you owe it to you AND him to find yourself in the Church first. That way, there are no surprises for him, nor demands from you that were not there prior to marriage.

[Misshalfway]

Have faith! :)

Don't you hate it when people say that especially when your life feels like a whirlwind?

Well, that is what I am saying to you. Think in faith and act in faith.

There must have been something "spiritual" that happened in the heart of your fiance to make him join the church in the first place. I am not convinced that all those feelings are gone from his heart. Maybe he will continue in his agnostic course, but maybe as you make course corrections in your life, God will work to bring about the best outcomes for all of you.

Prioritize your needs right now and take it one step at a time. You and your salvation come first. This is true for all of us no matter who we marry. If you were to attend the temple, you would realize that each of us must work out our own salvation even when we are sealed. So, get your own spiritual house in order and hand the rest to God for now. Trust Him with your worries and fears. He will order and provide in the best ways for all in your situation.

What Ram says is absolutely true. Prayer and fasting are really such a comforting balm. As you invite the most powerful being in the universe into your life, and as you continue in committed patterns of communication and obedience with Him, you will see his hand. Moving mountains and parting seas....heck! that is easy for Him! Invite Him to help you move some of your mountains. And don't be afraid of opposition to our doctrine. There are answers that comfort and clarify. Many have come face to face with some of our scariest critics. The Spirit of God confounds all. Trust that God will clarify for you what He has clarified for so many before you. Satan loves to thru that anti stuff and then convince us of that need to fear and run! But these questions are better settled with faith and trust and confidence in the Lord. Remember who is at the head of truth and remember that the rest of us don't follow this church for any other reason than we KNOW God is at the helm.

Be patient. Let things work out and don't be afraid if it takes time. You start walking forward as you follow the righteous desires of your heart. And don't be afraid to share your feelings with your sweetheart. Love allows individual journeying.

I love this scripture.....D&C 123:17

Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed.

[Hemidakota]

Or perhaps the first move for her is the term called DESIRE, then HOPE, next is FAITH.

[Guest Lovely12]

Dear Tearbear, Your story sounds similar to mine. My husand and I and our five children converted to the church in 1998. We later were sealed in the temple. It was a beautiful day and our new Mormon family was wonderful. I have never felt such love in my life. Nor have I ever felt so close to God before as when I was an active member in the church. I'm so happy that I raised my kids in the church. My oldest is 23 and although she struggles with some things regarding the temple, she admits that the church kept her grounded through her teen years and is the most Godliest place to be.

We ended up moving to another ward and one day in Relief Society a member said some very hurtful things regarding blacks. I didn't let it bother me too much, but I did go home and research the Church's history on the internet. I ended up, like you, reading anti-Mormon things, and what made it even worse was some of the things were from former bishops and such. I, too, felt betrayed and hurt. My husband was so sick from the the things we were reading, that he just curled up in a ball on the floor in depression. We tried getting answers, but we were so confused we ended up leaving the church.

Since I have left the church, I have been miserable. I know now that it was the best thing to happen to my family. I have lost sleep all week trying to decide what do I do? I have also been praying and reading the scriptures. Like you, I can't even remember everything that made me sick in the first place. We were the only black family in the ward, and the members treated us like family. So, why did I care about all of the anti-Mormon stuff? I don't know and probally will never know. All I really care about is getting my inner peace back and saving my family. I'm also afraid that if I decide to go back, my family won't return with me. I'm still trying to find some answers, but since I've been praying and studying the scriptures, I strongly want to go back to church.

I contacted the church and my Stake President and Bishop are coming out to meet with me on Sunday. My heart really goes out to you. I feel your pain, believe me, I do. My heart says that you and I both need to listen to the spirit and return to church. Just pray to Heavenly Father about your fiancee. If it is meant for you to be with him, then he will return with you. I'm not one to really give you advice, because I'm mixed up and confused myself, but I just wanted you know that I understand and I will be praying for you. Take care.

[rameumptom]

Lovely12,

I suggest you get involved with the Genesis Group. It is an LDS based group, supported by the First Presidency, that is a support group for blacks in the Church. There are some wonderful people in the group, like Darius Gray (its president) and Renee Olsen (a good friend of mine). You might also be interested to know that singer Gladys Knight has been a member of the Church for over 10 years.

Darius Gray and Margaret Blair Young have written several books, and just finished a documentary on blacks in the LDS Church. They are wonderful stories, and describe both the blessings and struggles many have gone through. I highly recommend all of them.

You can go to the Genesis Group website here: Genesis Group

Also, there is another very good black LDS website sponsored by FAIR. You can see it here: Black LDS Mormons

Please do not allow the prejudice of a few people in or out of the Church, ruin your experience with the Church. You have felt the peace and joy it brings. Focus on that. The Lord works through imperfect people, but His Spirit is there for those who overcome the frailties of other humans, and look for the important prize of eternal life. I like what one friend wrote in his blog some time ago: "the Church is also for racists." All of us need Christ as our physician, including racists. Hopefully the Church is moving away from any racist past, and towards a more congenial and strong tie with all races. I believe it is, as I spent 17 years in Montgomery, Alabama, working in Church callings dealing directly with the African American population there. What a wonderful people they are, especially when they turn to the Lord. And yes, I met up with lots of racism initially, as we attempted to bring the gospel to the black community. But over a period of years, most members learned to accept, respect, and embrace their brothers and sisters of color.

Today, our Church is probably the most desegregated church in the South. Since our wards are set up by geographical location, everyone attends in the same meetings. In other Southern (and elsewhere) Christian churches, there still is a lot of segregation between black and white Christian congregations. IOW, we have begun to overcome our past quicker than other religions. Don't forget that many other Christian churches were (and sometimes still are) more racist than the Mormon Church. The Southern Baptist church broke off from the American Baptists over the slavery/race issues, for example. Most have forgiven the Southern Baptists for centuries of racism and slavery, but for some reason those same people can't get over what the Mormons did.

We're working hard to move forward, and hope that all races can work with us as we do move forward. It has now been 31 years since the revelation giving the priesthood and temple blessings to all people. We have a black General Authority from Africa. We have many Area Authorities who are black. We have stake presidents, bishops, elder's quorum presidents and relief society presidents who are black. And we are blessed for having their wisdom and experience and spirituality to add to the Church.

The Lord has a lot of work for us to do before the 2nd Coming. He will need you and your husband to help us reach out to all people, share the gospel, and help them repent and be baptized. There are many desperate people who would love to have the peace you once felt. And it is likely you are the key person to help many of them, if you come back. I hope you and your family does. We need you in the Church, and I know that you need the blessings the Church offers.

[Guest Lovely12]

Wow, thank you for the wealth of information. Your post has really helped me and has moved me in many ways. I will definitley check out the groups and websites that you have mentioned. I really appreciate your strong caring advice.

I have been praying, studying the scriptures, and reading various books. Each day I feel better and stronger and more clear on a decision to return to church. I look forward to my bishop and stake president's vist this Sunday and I will fast before they come. I am really praying for my family and I ask that you have me in your prayers. Thank you so much for a wonderful response. You have no idea what this means to me. Thank you and God bless.

[Soul_Searcher]

Teabear I could tell from your post you were in the UK. I am too.

I'm not in the exact same situation but I can relate to how you are feeling. My DH and me have been members always. However, the last few years I have been struggling with my faith for the same reasons you have. I have not left the church because I couldn’t. But I would have if I could, like you.

Its only now that I have bee trying to get my church life in some sort of order, as I cant carry on in limbo anymore. It’s really hard.

What I would say to you is to do what YOU feel is best. If you feel really strongly about going back to church I would say go for it!! It will be hard to get back to how you were, as I’m discovering it takes effort and time. But if its what you want stick with it.

Don’t worry about your fiancé yet. He has to make his own decisions. I know you said you didnt want to go back without him, but if it’s really what you want you will have to. You need to make a firm decision in your mind about the church, as he may never come back. I personally would have to make the decision separately, to avoid disappointment. I'm sorry, but I really disagree with Rameumpton telling you to dump him. It is because of him and your relationship that you want to go back in the first place! As long as long as you have his support and love, you can do what you desire. It might not be easy, but if you have weighed up that it will be worth it, then it will.

Where do you live, btw? What ward would you attend? Chances are I could know someone in the ward to look out for you