My Poem :)

[LostSheep]

Ok, today I wrote a poem. I've NEVER written a poem before, and would really appreciate some feedback. Thank you.

The Lost Sheep

By Me

As I graze in the meadow

with the rest of the sheep,

I wonder if there's more

than just eating and sleep.

Blindly the sheep follow

the shepherd behind.

They do what he asks,

and they don't seem to mind.

But I'm not at all

like these ninety-nine sheep.

I seek fun and adventure.

Is the price all that steep?

I slip away quietly

from the rest of the fold,

into the desert,

feeling daring and bold.

But to the fold I'll return,

before the set of the sun.

Then I'll be happy

that at least I had fun.

Across the cold desert

for hours I roam,

I quickly decide,

that it's time to go home.

As I travel back in

the direction I came,

dark clouds above gather,

and it starts to rain.

In the desert I stand,

as torrential rain pours,

the lightning flashes,

and the thunder roars.

As harsh winds pick up,

and continue to wail,

I'm no sooner soaked

from my ears to my tail.

Still desperate to find

my way back to the fold,

I continue to wander,

scared, lost, wet, and cold.

The path I am on

is not the one I had crossed.

As the sun fades away

I realize I am lost.

Terrified and alone,

along with hunger and thirst,

I think my little sheep heart

is going to burst.

I'm too weak to walk

I fall to the ground.

About to give up,

until I hear a sound.

A familiar voice

that I know without doubt,

it is my shepherd,

calling my name with a shout.

Full of new hope,

I give a loud cry,

knowing that on my master,

I can surely rely.

Quickly approaching,

he cautiously knelt,

wrapping his robe

around my wet pelt.

Holding me gently,

we return to the pasture.

never again,

will I leave my sweet master.

Now just like the others,

I follow my shepherd around.

Yesterday I was lost,

But today I am found.

Edited May 29, 2009 by LostSheep
I revised the poem...

[pam]

That was totally awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can see well how it can relate to our struggling and losing our way yet knowing that our Heavenly Father is always there to help us back into the fold. Great job!!

[LostSheep]

Thanks. You really think so?

[minemouse]

Keep writing. It's good.:)

[pam]

Thanks. You really think so?

Absolutely..if I had not thought so..I would have just chosen not to respond.

[goodfeeling_]

very very awesomely good!

[kevin1964]

Cool LS, I have a whole book of greatLDS poems.

[not_ashamed]

That has to be the most touching poem ive ever read. beautiful

[Vanilla]

Absolutely Beautiful little brother, well done! :-)

[Tarnished]

What kind of feedback would you like?

I have spent a good amount of time writing poetry and helping others critique their own poetry. As this is your first poem I will not go into in depth critique but rather give my impression of it.

My thoughts on the poem:

I really liked it, it has a lot of potential. I like some of the internal rhyme you have in some of the lines as well as the offset rhyme scheme going on in the poem. There are a few rough parts that don't flow as well as the others, but overall it is a good poem.

I am of the opinion with my own work that a poem is never done, even after it has been published. So I always look for ways to tweak my own poetry. For a first poem this is pretty fantastic.

[LostSheep]

What kind of feedback would you like?

I have spent a good amount of time writing poetry and helping others critique their own poetry. As this is your first poem I will not go into in depth critique but rather give my impression of it.

My thoughts on the poem:

I really liked it, it has a lot of potential. I like some of the internal rhyme you have in some of the lines as well as the offset rhyme scheme going on in the poem. There are a few rough parts that don't flow as well as the others, but overall it is a good poem.

I am of the opinion with my own work that a poem is never done, even after it has been published. So I always look for ways to tweak my own poetry. For a first poem this is pretty fantastic.

Thank you. I'm aware that there are times when it doesn't quite ryhme, and I'm also aware of the tense changing back and forth between past and present.

[Tarnished]

Well, the times where it doesn't quite rhyme are referred to as slant rhyme, and they actually work pretty well. Things don't always have to rhyme. My favorite thing with poetry is playing with the rules of poetry writing and making them work for me to do neat things with the poem. Slant rhyme is one of my favorite ways of playing with the words in a poem. The tense changing works as well, much like it would if you were telling a story. And actually you do quite well with using the tense changes to your benefit. What actually stands out to me the most is the flow. Your poem flows in an almost sing song way, and there are a few parts where the flow breaks down and becomes staggered, you could fix this by removing a word, or adding a word, or even changing a word to a similar meaning word that is either shorter or longer.

[LostSheep]

Your poem flows in an almost sing song way, and there are a few parts where the flow breaks down and becomes staggered, you could fix this by removing a word, or adding a word, or even changing a word to a similar meaning word that is either shorter or longer.

yeah, i noticed that.... i think it was more towards the end, where i may have rushed it a bit...

[Tarnished]

I hope my comments are coming across as helpful information and not as negative remarks. I really think you did a fantastic job with this poem. But it is in my nature to try to figure out how to improve a poem when I see it. I hope I have not been overwhelming in my comments. :)

[havejoy]

I think it's beautiful. It caused emotions to come to the surface which is what good poetry is all about, imho.

[LostSheep]

Ok, I modified the poem. It now is much more rhythmic. Is this any better?

[Tarnished]

That is fantastic, I like the way you revised it. I noticed something as I re-read it this time, your rhyme scheme changes, it doesn't stay as the first and forth line for each stanza, I like how you do this, it changes up the poem a bit and makes it unique. As I said before I also really like the slant rhyme you use. But then again I am a word nut and playing with words, like using slant rhyme makes me happy. Great job! :)

[skalenfehl]

But I'm not at all

like these ninety-nine sheep.

I seek fun and adventure.

Is the price all that steep?

This got me choked up. Your poem reminds me of my son. Well, both of them. All he wanted was to have fun. Still does. He's slowly making his way back. They both are, I hope. Thank you for sharing this, bud!

[LostSheep]

thank you so much for the compliments and criticisms.

[daenvgiell]

awww I really liked reading that! I love it when poems rhyme they're my favourite poems. :)

[LostSheep]

I love it when poems rhyme they're my favourite poems. :)

Yeah, me too. Thanks.

[LostSheep]

Just wondering....Should I try to get this published? I mean, I know it might be hard to do, but it would be great to see it in the New Era or the Ensign....Any thoughts on this?

I wouldn't expect to get paid for it or anything, but I would at least want credit for it, if possible.