The Philosophy of Ambiguity

[beefche]

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of the english language...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14.. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

[Wingnut]

34. If vegetarians only eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

35. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

36. Why, if you send something by boat it's called cargo, but if you send it in a truck, is it called a shipment?

37. If peanut oil is made from peanuts, and olive oil made from olives, what is baby oil made from?

[NeuroTypical]

38. If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? (Or for that matter, juice harps?)

[Guest Godless]

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

We didn't evolve from apes. Apes and humans evolved from a common ancestor (sorry, HUGE pet peeve of mine).

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The world would be a much simpler place.

8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I think tying his hands behind his back would be more effective.

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I can't help thinking of Blazing Saddles when I hear this one. "Oh Lordy Lord! He's desperate! Do what he say! Do what he say!" "Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?" "Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!"

10. Is there another word for synonym?

Give me a dictionary and a ton of LSD and I'm sure I could come up with one.

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

The desert.

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Kill it. Might as well keep the score even.

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

I'm pretty sure your stomach would implode.

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

I don't know, but I want to shake his hand and buy him a beer.

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

Yes, but I'll never see a dime.

Wow, I really need to find something to do on my days off.

Edited August 6, 2009 by Godless

[Maxel]

39. Whose cruel idea was it to put three T's in the word 'stutter'?

[lilered]

40: Its a genetic fact: If your parents don't have any children, you won't either.

[pam]

41. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

42. Why does Porky Pig wear a towel around his waist after a shower, and then remove the towel and put on a shirt with no pants?

43. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

44. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

45. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

46. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[lilered]

47. Even a broken clock is correct twice a day.

[Wingnut]

44. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

Hi Bob.