About meeting female church members...

[josh85]

Hello.

Like I said by the time I introduced myself, I am 23 years old and I became a member of the church a few months ago.

My problem is that there is a girl I really like. She is a member of the church and I think that she was born into the church. ( I never saw a boyfriend or a husband, but I don´t even know if she is definitely single)

So I ask myself if it is even appropriate to try to talk to her and ask her out.

Although every people at church are very nice, I think that the members won´t like to see it, that a new member tries to go out with an old "since birth" member.

Before I became a member of the church I already had relationships, but I don´t know how to talk to girls in the church.

Perhaps they don´t even want to get to know me, because I wasn´t born into the church and because I did not live all the time the life a Mormon is expected to live.

I just would like to act appropriate and I don´t want that the members think, that I just became a member of the church, because I want to meet girls.

Actually I don´t know what to do and so I stay with friends who don´t belong to church.

That is very sad, because many girls I know from earlier days are not that nice. I cannot be their boyfriend because they expect things that are against the law of chastity. The thing I want is just a nice girl who belongs to church. A girl I can meet and talk too.

I am just scared that other members will think about me in a bad way. ( like "look at him, he is a member since four months and now he wants to meet all the female members")

Another thing is that I think that I am not good enough for these girls who are members of the church for such a long time. Probably they won´t take me serious, because I am new and they do expect, that all the new members will be gone after one or two years, because they lost belief in the church.

I just don´t know what to do or to say. I am a good person, I have a good education and I treat all the people out there with respect.

Perhaps someone can tell me what he or she would think about a new member who wants to go out with a girl who is member for a lifetime. Is it even possible?

At the end I would like to apologize for all the grammar mistakes, but I am from Austria and my english is not that good.

I also would like to apologize if it was wrong to open a new thread, because there was one with nearly the same topic, but I think my thread is more about the problem, if it is okay, that new members meet "old" members, and how to act as a new member to girls you like.

[FairChild]

You are a good person. There should be no reason why you should not have friendships with women. Don't worry about the length of time you have spent in the church, rather concentrate on making yourself the best possible person that you can. Make it simple. Say hello in the hallway, go to single's activities, create service projects and ask if she would be willing to help. If you worry, try going in groups. Just because a person was born in the church, s/he may not be the best of members. Enjoy the friendships. Take care and keep us updated.

[FairChild]

P.S. Did I mention that you are amazing?

[john doe]

I would advise finding out if she is single before asking her out. Maybe ask someone who knows her?

[josh85]

P.S. Did I mention that you are amazing?

Thank you very much for that. It is really a nice thing to say.

@John Doe:

I think it will be the first "mission" for me in the next week to find out if she is single.

The problem is that our church community is not that big. The members are not very active.

So it is very difficult to meet people. There are once in a month or less meetings for young single adults, but most of the time just a few missionaries are around and one or two girls.

I just think that it is really difficult to get to know someone if you just see her on Sundays.

And to be honest: The Sunday is all about the Lord and nobody should try to talk about getting a date around that time.

It seems that everyone lives his life in our community, the only time everyone is there is the Sunday.

Not many people show up if there are summer parties, or other nice events.

That makes me really sad, because I don´t want to be alone. I always would have the chance to get a girlfriend again if I don´t follow the law of chastity, but that is a crime I would never commit and I would be on the way of the devil, if I would do it.

So I just have to wait for the right chances to get to know nice members of the church.

It has to be so wonderful to live in Utah or another place in the U.S. because there are so many members. In Austria it is a little bit lonesome and difficult. Older friends make fun of you, a lot things are getting difficult and there are no "new" friends to find, because there are just "hellos" on Sundays and nothing else.

But I do not complain, because I know that heavenly father loves us and that he wants us to be happy.

About that girl: I suspect, that she will get to know, that I asked someone about the fact if she is single or not. Perhaps she will act strange, but on the other hand it is not a crime to tell someone that you like her.

I will let you know if there will be some "progress" this week.

[Dravin]

And to be honest: The Sunday is all about the Lord and nobody should try to talk about getting a date around that time.

Would a married couple inviting their neighbors over to dinner that night be inappropriate? What about family inviting other family over? What about inviting people to the the BBQ Block Party later that week? If its a ward activity does that make the difference?

People get invited to socialize in church all the time, ultimately that's what dating is. Now admittedly you don't want to spend the whole block thinking only about how you are going to ask her out (or the entirety of Sunday with no thought of the Lord), but if you take a few minutes between meetings (or more after) to invite her out I don't see anything inappropriate with that.

Of course I'm in a Young Single Adult ward, so that may color my perception.

[skippy740]

Have you considered serving a mission? You know that a good RM would have all the single sisters just clamoring all over him! :)

Okay, wrong reason to serve (and I don't mean to hijack the thread), but I thought I'd mention it as you're 23, you're a new convert to the church and you're single. Just something to think about.

[josh85]

Have you considered serving a mission? You know that a good RM would have all the single sisters just clamoring all over him! :)

Okay, wrong reason to serve (and I don't mean to hijack the thread), but I thought I'd mention it as you're 23, you're a new convert to the church and you're single. Just something to think about.

To talk about the possibility to go on a mission is a good thought, but I don't have the knowledge of the scriptures already and it would be difficult to represent the church in the right way. There are also studies at university I cannot quit.

I will just try not to think all the time about what is appropriate or not.

The people in my community are all so nice and so there shouldn't be such a big Problem to ask this wonderful girl out. Perhaps I just thought to much about the whole thing.

Thanks to everyone for the advices.

[bytebear]

I think if you and this girl are both active in the church, and the community of saints is small, you will have plenty of time to get to know her. Just take your time as you become more involved with other members, and you will naturally get to know her. There is no rush.

[Wingnut]

Was her baptism at eight years old any more valid than your at 23 was? Was she baptized with a different priesthood authority? Does she have a special "life-long members" card that she carries around?

No, no, and no. There is no reason you couldn't go out with her. Unless she's already taken.

There are also studies at university I cannot quit.

I don't know about in Austria, but in the USA, many universities will let you defer your studies for a specific period of time with penalty, in order to serve a religious mission.

[josh85]

Hello,

I wasn´t online a lot for the last few days and I would like to say thank you to all the other people who read my thread and who gave me some advice.

Sadly we don´t have the chance to stop our studies for a mission. It would be very difficult and not comfortable for all the people, like the student and the professors.

So I will think about a mission after my studies, although it would be late to go on a mission with 26. That is the time where you should find a good wife and a job.

But I´ll see what will happen.

Thanks again to everyone.

[annamaureen]

Have you considered serving a mission? You know that a good RM would have all the single sisters just clamoring all over him! :)

If a young woman won't date a convert simply because he hasn't been on a mission... well, I'd say she isn't worth it.

[ferretrunner]

It's ok to talk to her. You joined because of your testimony, correct? She also believes. You know who you are and what you're about at Church. Talk to her, get to know her and see if she's available and you both want to go out. Do something casual with her to get to know her as a person. And get involved with the young adult activities. Being with other young singles is important also. We're social beings, not just spiritual.

[Arkwelder]

I have been a member my entire life and I've never known Mormons to behave like that. I truly believe that the fact that you are a new convert is not an issue and that this is all in your head. Really, find out if the girl is single, then ask her on a date. If things don't go anywhere, it probably has more to do with incompatible personalities than you being a recent member.

[josh85]

Hello again.

I talked to this nice girl a lot in the last few weeks during the Sunday meetings.

I got to know that she is single and I like her so much, because she is so sweet and also a little bit shy.

My problem right now is that she doesn´t visit any YSA-activities. So I am only seeing her on Sundays.

I already had dates with girls before I joined the LDS, but I don´t know how to ask her out.

Perhaps she was just so nice and friendly because I am new and if I ask her out she will see how much I like her and if she will say "no" it will be very uncomfortable for me to see her every week.

The worst thing would be if she will talk to other members about me asking her out.

Do you think that I should forget her and find another LDS-girl that does not belong to my home community?

Sometimes I think to much, but it is so difficult for me to know how to react towards people/girls who are members of the LDS.

For example I won´t know how to behave during a date. The only thing I want is that she will feel comfortable and fine.

If you meet a non-LDS girl it would be normal to kiss her on a first date or to hold her hand.

How is that in the LDS-community?

Are there any rules? I for myself will always follow the law of chastity, but I don´t know what kind of actions are against this law:

Of course it means that you should not sleep with a girl before marriage, but what is with kisses, hugs, holding her hand and all this stuff.

I just want to act appropriate if she will go out with me.

She should have a good time and that is the only thing that matters to me.

It would be nice if there is someone out there who can help me.

If you are just reading this post and not the whole thread, I will say again that I am from Austria and not a person who learned the English language for his whole life.

So I am saying sorry for all the grammatical mistakes.

[miztrniceguy]

just ask her...and don't harbor any bad feelings if she says no.

[josh85]

Thanks for the answer. I just read another thread and I will forget that girl.

She is just 19 years old and so it is an age she probably will serve a mission.

So after I get to know that she is single I would have to find out if she wants to serve a mission.

Everything is just so difficult. But thanks to everyone who answered.

[talisyn]

Sisters don't go on missions until they're 21.

[Moksha]

If a young woman won't date a convert simply because he hasn't been on a mission... well, I'd say she isn't worth it.

They can't really help it. They have been indoctrinated with that value of marrying a returned missionary for years. However in Austria where members are not abundant, they might not be that picky. By that age, women in the Church outnumber men for two reasons: Less men in general and less men stay active in the Church.

:)

[will227457]

I would advise finding out if she is single before asking her out. Maybe ask someone who knows her?

asking her out might be a good way to find out if she is single....

[Carl62]

Have you considered serving a mission? You know that a good RM would have all the single sisters just clamoring all over him! :)

You are kidding, aren't you? This is one of the biggest farces that leads guys to the mission field only to end up serving a mission and then seeing their BYU non-missionary roommates getting more dates then them when they get home. I have learned the hard way that having the initials 'R.M.' doesn't mean squat to getting a good wife.

Edited September 30, 2009 by Carl62

[FunkyTown]

You are kidding, aren't you? This is one of the biggest farces that leads guys to the mission field only to end up serving a mission and then seeing their BYU non-missionary roommates getting more dates then them when they get home. I have learned the hard way that having the initials 'R.M.' doesn't mean squat to getting a good wife.

Two equally good looking and charming men, one an RM and one not an RM, the RM wins out every time.

There's a small stigma attached to not having served a mission, but there's a bigger stigma to not having charm and good looks.

[Gemma]

You know the problem with some RM's? The belief that because they're an RM they deserve to have girls clamouring all over them! Arrogance is a turn off!

I am dating guy who is a convert and not an RM, no problem with that but girls do try to gauge whether a guy is gonna stick around in the church or not if he's a recent convert.

A mission is very reassuring in that situation. From the other side, a lifelong member who is past 21 and hasn't been on a mission? I would want to know why - and there are very few acceptable reasons! That would worry me more than a convert.

Re. sisters going on a mission, you have 2 years to date her before she's even old enough (a lot can happen in 2 years), and the majority of sisters in the church don't have the same expectation of serving a mission, they're more interested in finding the right guy!

[FunkyTown]

You know the problem with some RM's? The belief that because they're an RM they deserve to have girls clamouring all over them! Arrogance is a turn off!

I am dating guy who is a convert and not an RM, no problem with that but girls do try to gauge whether a guy is gonna stick around in the church or not if he's a recent convert.

A mission is very reassuring in that situation. From the other side, a lifelong member who is past 21 and hasn't been on a mission? I would want to know why - and there are very few acceptable reasons! That would worry me more than a convert.

Re. sisters going on a mission, you have 2 years to date her before she's even old enough (a lot can happen in 2 years), and the majority of sisters in the church don't have the same expectation of serving a mission, they're more interested in finding the right guy!

Eww! You're dating someone who isn't an RM, Gemma? I bet he's some kind of devilishly handsome, cunning person to have pulled you away from all those RMs.

He'd have to be! Why, to have pulled you away from the Staines RMs, he'd have to be an adventuresome lad, larger than life and capable of deeds of derring do. Otherwise, why wouldn't you date one of the RMs?

For shame, Gemma. SHAAAAAAAAAME!

[Gemma]

Ok, so who thinks they can guess who I'm dating?