Maybe this will make me free...

[Misshalfway]

In what way were they lacking understanding? You'll find nothing factually incorrect in my posts.

Facts don't always explain everything, nor do they reflect wisdom. Wouldn't you agree?

Why? Isn't that what a pornography addiction is? A lack of self control? Or am I seriously mistaken here?

Hmm....and I say this with all respect.... imo you might be missing what addiction is. I think more importantly you are missing what recovery is.

[Mahone]

Facts don't always explain everything, nor do they reflect wisdom. Wouldn't you agree?

That is true. But what is wrong with what I pointed out? What he was trying to do had flaws so I pointed them out. I'm still at a loss as to how that is wrong.

Hmm....and I say this with all respect.... imo you might be missing what addiction is. I think more importantly you are missing what recovery is.

I fully aknowledge that an addiction is much more than a lack of self control. But for the purpose of my post, I didn't need to go into any more detail. At the end of the day, if everyone had 100% control over themselves, we wouldn't have addictions - a part of it is therefore a lack of self control. And I'm not focusing on the entire recovery process, just the part lostsheep was focusing on in the OP.

[LostSheep]

Ok...yeah....there's flaws. So what? I'm happy with what I got. And I'm not annoyed...I forgive you. Thank for pointing that out.

[Misshalfway]

Mahone,

I didn't say you were wrong and I didn't say addiction didn't have self control issues. It most certainly does. You are right about that.

[dazed-and-confused]

good for you, sheep....sounds like a good step towards accountability.

[LostSheep]

Well, I really screwed up today...I was feeling very tempted...And I had the internet...I used search terms that CE would ignore. Inconspicuous words that would not draw any attention. I wasn't looking for anything bad...At least that's what I was telling , myself. I was looking for ANYTHING that would quench my "thirst". Well, with this kind of addiction, there's no quenching anything...I never really ended up seeing porn...I did see lots of thingss that made me want it even more...Things I shouldn't have been looking up....well, after the fact, I kept thinking, "Crap...I'm going to end up finding away around this..." An hour later, I brought up my accountability report...guess what...The site flagged all those "innocent" search terms ...My heart sank down to my feet...As much as I deserve it, I cannot express how mortified I am right now...I'm not doing THAT again...

Edited August 28, 2009 by LostSheep

[Maxel]

Don't give up, LostSheep. Screwups happen- the good thing is that with Covenant Eyes now someone else is aware of what's going on. It sucks to have someone else do an intervention/talk to you about the problem, but it's ultimately worth it.

[prisonchaplain]

Lost, kudos...it seems that your investment is paying off. Short term embarrassment and consequences to prevent long-term addiction. Seems that Covenant Eyes is doing its job. Stay the course.

[Guest]

Hi LS - you're doing great! Keep it up!

I have to say though, I haven't read past page 4. I just wanted to drop my 2 cents before I leave the house. But, from what I read, 3% is right. I even like his delivery - I find it oozing with compassion even if it hurts to read it. Because, man, it is a WAR. And it needs the military-style boot camp to purge yourself of this demon. I mean, really. CovenantEyes is great. You did right in there - but, it is one tiny step towards freedom. You need to make one giant step sometime soon before you fall.

You might really think hard about giving him a phone call or something. It is going to hurt really bad. But, here's a promise - all of us here will do some coddling if you let 3% beat you up some. Is that fair enough?

We all love you here. And we're all on your side even if we have different ways of expressing it. PM me anytime. I'll be here for you.

[LostSheep]

I messed up today...I was so tempted...I knew I couldn't risk using my laptop...So I did something stupid. I accessed porn on my Nintendo DS (It took forever, since the internet browser kept crashing.) But I was so desperate, I was able to get it. I don't know how to feel right now...I feel like I should uninstall the filter, and not waste my money on it. I think 3% was right. What's the point of a filter if I can just find other ways to get porn? Well, I already took the first obvious step. I took the internet off of my DS...But now what? As soon as I get what I felt I NEEDED to have, I don't want it anymore...But when I want it, I feel like I NEED it...All those weeks of sobriety...wasted...again....

[Mahone]

I messed up today...I was so tempted...I knew I couldn't risk using my laptop...So I did something stupid. I accessed porn on my Nintendo DS (It took forever, since the internet browser kept crashing.) But I was so desperate, I was able to get it. I don't know how to feel right now...I feel like I should uninstall the filter, and not waste my money on it. I think 3% was right. What's the point of a filter if I can just find other ways to get porn? Well, I already took the first obvious step. I took the internet off of my DS...But now what? As soon as I get what I felt I NEEDED to have, I don't want it anymore...But when I want it, I feel like I NEED it...All those weeks of sobriety...wasted...again....

Forgive me if I sound a little more blunt than normal, but I did get told off for warning you this would happen. Both myself and elohel recommended solutions that would have solved this, but they were ignored and you claimed you were happy with what you had.

[ferretrunner]

It's hard for people who do not struggle with addiction to understand addiction. Mahoney, it's not about self-control. Addiction causes/ is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain in the dopamine system. One of the most powerful rewards out natural dopamine system has is the sex reward- it's one of the key survival behaviors. What LS is struggling against with addiction is a pattern of thought, behavior, and chemicals.

LS, the software is a good tool- much like an alcoholic in early recovery or having a day avoiding a bar. But, it's just a tool. Like an alcoholic, you have to address the underlying addiction. It's a forever process. Don't be discouraged by this. Growth- spiritual, mental, and emotional- is an ongoing process for everyone. What happens when you don't pray? You don't feel as spiritually connected, right? Find a professional counselor with experience working with this type of addiction. Look into self-help groups. If you can't find one, then at least pick up a copy of a 12-step program and work it. You have supports here and, more importantly, with your parents. If you're LDS, maybe your bishop can also help. You can work on developing the internal controls. Use the extrenal controls as assistance tools.

Good luck, LS.

[ferretrunner]

LS,

You had a set back. But you haven't lost the war. Just get back on the horse. Look at what happened. What triggered you accessing porn? Boredom? Fear? Anger? What was your mood? How were you feeling physcially? What were the visual cues? Anything like that. Tell your accountability person what happened. Learn from the set back and move forward again.

[Mahone]

It's hard for people who do not struggle with addiction to understand addiction. Mahoney, it's not about self-control. Addiction causes/ is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain in the dopamine system. One of the most powerful rewards out natural dopamine system has is the sex reward- it's one of the key survival behaviors. What LS is struggling against with addiction is a pattern of thought, behavior, and chemicals.

Whatever the reason for it, he isn't in control of himself - this may be due to a chemical imbalance, but he still isn't in control of himself. You even effectively use the term "self control" yourself - you just call it "internal control", but it's the same thing.

I do not pretend to be an expert on addictions, but to say I haven't suffered with them would be wrong. However a subject in which I do know an awful lot about is computers - as the external control he used (covenant eyes) was computer related, I pointed out how easy it is to bypass and having had addictions myself, I knew he was going to end up looking for a way around it and that would be all too easy to do with that software. I could have specified another much more convenient way for him to bypass covenant eyes using the same computer it was installed on, rather than having to find a different device in which to access the internet.

No-one has yet managed to tell me why what I said was taken in such a bad way - the questions I asked have not been answered.

Edited August 29, 2009 by Mahone

[Guest missingsomething]

Tonight I installed Covenant Eyes on my computer with my mom as an acountability partner. In other words, I can't look at porn on this computer without her knowing...I bought a month of it (but the company is giving me a free month since it crashed my computer the 1st time I installed it) and I'll see how it goes from there...I'm not exactly made of money, but 8 bucks a month seems worth it to me...If it means I can be free from porn...I know this won't solve the problem, but I hope it at least minimizes the temptation. I hope this works...

Yeah for you Lost. Yeah yeah yeah for you. If you ever cant afford that 8.00 a month then buddy - please let me know. Its worth the 8.00 to me... and I would gladly buy a few months for you.

I know its a struggle to overcome. I had a really odd thought and (yo- others- dont get nasty about this comment - it is just a thought!---) well .. Lost... I was thinking about this and wondering combined with your desire to change... your taking action to change... and being accountable for your change.... perhaps when you get married and enter into a loving, holy intimate relationship- this will no longer be an issue for you..? Perhaps?

Keep doing what you are doing.

EDIT- Ok I read the rest of the posts.... Lost.. its a struggle it really is. Your addiction is no different than mine for eating junk food... I cant walk past a soda :) Are you really diving in and reading your scriptures daily? Are you surrounding and involving yourself a lot with the church and its meetings? And when you have those tempting thoughts that are so powerful - did you think to pray? Did you ask for help to overcome. Did you then take action - remove yourself.... go somewhere public.... call someone... I have found for myself that being IDLE lends me to my weaknesses.

Lost we love you - and Mahone is right... sometimes hard love is the best thing.. but you are an inspiration to us all... talking about it and being accountable to not just yourself and your mom... but to your Heavenly Father... remember- you can't bypass Him.

But now you have a new start... start again... Getup...brush yourself off...and start all over again!

Edited August 29, 2009 by missingsomething

[Misshalfway]

I messed up today...I was so tempted...I knew I couldn't risk using my laptop...So I did something stupid. I accessed porn on my Nintendo DS (It took forever, since the internet browser kept crashing.) But I was so desperate, I was able to get it. I don't know how to feel right now...I feel like I should uninstall the filter, and not waste my money on it. I think 3% was right. What's the point of a filter if I can just find other ways to get porn? Well, I already took the first obvious step. I took the internet off of my DS...But now what? As soon as I get what I felt I NEEDED to have, I don't want it anymore...But when I want it, I feel like I NEED it...All those weeks of sobriety...wasted...again....

What good is a fence if the gate is left open? Honey....you may have to become more strict with yourself. Sell your DS if you have to. Do you want this or not?

Dude! You gotta do some work on your thinking! All of the sobriety is NOT wasted. Lapses happen to every PA. Just get up and get back to the sobriety as fast as you can. This is NOT an all or nothing process even though that is the goal. And then get more honest with yourself. You are still keeping all the controls in your hands. You have to create a circumstance where there are no back doors and then plan what you are going to do when the temptation is too strong for you. Who is your go to person? What about your 12 steps group? You should be able to call someone there. And then get your butt to a meeting asap.

[Maxel]

Tell your mom; make sure you don't have internet access except on a computer with Covenant Eyes.

Also, if the pull of the temptation is so strong that Covenant Eyes isn't keeping you away (knowing that you'll have to answer to your mom later), an internet blocker would be the best thing. You can't beat yourself up because you're not strong enough stay away- sexual addictoins are more powerful than substance addictions (and have you seen what a junkie will do to get their next fix?). You need to put the blocks in your life that will work- if you and your mom have a good relationship, maybe you can confess to her and let her punish you as she sees fit (I know it sounds like an odd idea, but it's not a bad one if you trust your mom).

Also, playing video games very often leads to masturbation. Trust me, I know there's a connection. I think part of it is mental excitement coupled with a lack of physical exercise- your body wants a physical release, and if you're addicted to porn and/or masturbation, masturbating is the most natural physical release. If you really want to be free, you might consider cutting out all video games in your life- at least until you have the addiction under control.

Whatever the case, keep climbing- don't give up! I Know you can do it!

[LostSheep]

Also, playing video games very often leads to masturbation.

Have you been talking to my grandma?

[Guest missingsomething]

Have you been talking to my grandma?

Does this include Farkle ? hmmm lol

[aruth5000]

Does this include Farkle ? hmmm lol

Farkle usually leads to a really frustrated ruthie, cause she keeps farkling

[ferretrunner]

Sorry, Mahone. I was pretty tired when I wrote that post. I didn't mean it as an attack towards you.

LS, stay the course. It will be worth the effort in the long run. Porn is a hard one to beat, because sex related activties are among the most powerful "rewards" in the dopamine system. It has to be, because the survival of the species depends on it. Keep up the struggle. And look for professional help and support groups. Seriously. It's not something you will beat alone. I know your parents are helping but addiction treatment will help you develop more tools to address the addiction and understand why it is happening more. No matter how many times you fall down, keep trying.

Here are a couple of links you might find interesting. The first is from an article written by BYU: BYU NewsNet - Science of pornography addiction involves many factors It deals with porn addiction. The second one deals with drug/ alcohol addiction. However, the brain changes in both are similar, as are the pleasure pathways. HBO: Addiction: Understanding Addiction: Addiction and the Brain's Pleasure Pathway: Beyond Willpower

[threepercent]

Pornography Addiction

Amazon.com: Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery (9780977220809): Ph.D. Kevin B. Skinner: Books

stand up. you can do this.

you are a Son of the Most High. act like it.

and remember what I said, you lost the battle long before you started looking for ways around your external controls. keep them, they do help. add to them. get more friends. more people to call. but call them BEFORE you try to work around your controls.

like I said, you have to turn to REAL help, your God, and yourself.

[Maxel]

Have you been talking to my grandma?

No... At least, I don't THINK so. Technically, I guess I could since I don't know who you are... Then again, I don't talk to anyone over the age of 25 regularly who isn't my mom, so unless your grandma is a youngin' I don't think so.

All levity aside, I know that video games have a connection to masturbation because I've lived it. Playing video games doesn't automatically lead to masturbation, but they do promote and perpetuate behaviors that very easily lad to masturbation- especially for an addict. Especially video games lately.. Although Nintendo is the best company out there for promoting family-friendly entertainment, there's still plenty of cases where there's too much sex and violenc in Nintendo games.

[Moksha]

Then again, I don't talk to anyone over the age of 25 regularly who isn't my mom, so unless your grandma is a youngin' I don't think so.

Good thing the women here are all under that limit.

[threepercent]

In general conference ....., President Monson spoke to those estranged from the Church and to all of us when he said: "In the private sanctuary of one's own conscience lies that spirit, that determination to cast off the old person and to measure up to the stature of true potential. In this spirit, we again issue that heartfelt invitation: Come back. We reach out to you in the pure love of Christ and express our desire to assist you and to welcome you into full fellowship. To those who are wounded in spirit or who are struggling and fearful, we say, Let us lift you and cheer you and calm your fears"