Why Do I Bother

[Winnie G]

Oh how I hate to ask or beg anything from my ex.

Today I went to the collage my youngest son is about to attend and pay his tuition.

After they stop calculating the cost lab fees textbooks on and on.

It turned out we were $2000 short! He has saved and saved till it hurt.

We have an appointment to meet with the loads officer on Monday.

We are holding are fingers crossed. If not we will have to go back in to debt to cover the rest, we have not even accounted for every day school supplies and clothes and travel costs. We just got out of debt.

I just wrote my ex sisters in law to see if she can locate her brother just so our son can have the income info they will ask for.

I told her how excited he was and how it felt to see him standing in the student services meeting his professor. He was almost high and stood so tall.

I can feel it coming, the next kick in the teeth by this man right in his sons hart.

Just once could he not come through for his son?

He has chosen to miss every important day in his children’s lives. His daughters wedding the birth of his granddaughters, his son’s high school grad. Every thing from riding a bike to two long hospitals says were he was hospitalized for 8 weeks + from two car accidents. He has suffered though surgeries and traction with a father who was always absent from his life.

I called my husband and he drew a big sigh and said “we will get it from somewhere, he is going to collage”!

Oh how I love that man!

Our son spent the rest of the day at his sisters and taking his nieces out to lunch and walking though the mall with my newest granddaughter in a snuggly on his chest.

My daughter said he enjoyed talking to girls that were attracted to his nieces.

Newborns are great chick magnets. I was told today, I remember my older sons used him as a little boy as a tool to get girls to talk to them. It did not take long for us to fingoer out why the older boys were so happy to take their little brother to the park.

If my ex only took one hour a month to just call the kids they would be happy with that and ignore his faults the rest of the time. He has such great kids and he has missed it all.

[pushka]

Winnie...in spite of your current financial problems, it is your ex who is losing out here...he's losing the love and respect of his children thanks to his silly behaviour.

I do hope that on this occasion at least, he can come through and help you out...maybe something can ###### his conscience? If not, then try to put your negative thoughts away in a dark corner, and live your life as happily as you can without even considering him.

You sound as if you have a lovely husband and family now, and that you are very grateful for that...

I wish your son the best of luck at college!

[Lindy]

Originally posted by pushka@Aug 19 2005, 02:40 AM

Winnie...in spite of your current financial problems, it is your ex who is losing out here...he's losing the love and respect of his children thanks to his silly behaviour.

I do hope that on this occasion at least, he can come through and help you out...maybe something can ###### his conscience? If not, then try to put your negative thoughts away in a dark corner, and live your life as happily as you can without even considering him.

You sound as if you have a lovely husband and family now, and that you are very grateful for that...

I wish your son the best of luck at college!

Winnie.... I agree with Pushka...

My 2 cents....the man isn't worth the brain matter used to think about him...all it is doing is stressing you out. Let it go, enjoy what you have. If somewhere down the line, the ### has a change of heart..then deal with it....you are too good a person to let him ruin anything in your life right now.

Lindy

[Winnie G]

Most of the time I don’t give him a 2nd thought and I go on my life with a positive attitude.

It is like I have better things to do in my life.

But when it comes to the children I get angry and I go in to the mother lion mod, hurt the kids and I come out swinging.

If he were to come though this time I would be on the floor stunned.

His sister came to his daughters wedding and asked me to continue to keep her in the loop and I have always done that he can’t not say I not tried to leave the door open to him.

I just don’t want them hurt again.

Both of them have told me they have learned along time ago that they can’t count on him. But it still did not stop my daughter on her wedding day from looking out the window and asking if he called, ever few hours. The same with her brother on his graduation, he kept a ticket for his father for the parents dinner in his pocket, I found it when I went to dry clean his tux.

I asked him about the extra ticket he said he bought a extra one in case he showed. If I were him I would crawl in a hole and die.

The word deadbeat Dad does not come close to what kind of low life he is. At one point my husband meet with him and told him forget the child support just see your kids, his reply was “you’re a better father then I” when my husband told me of his answer I said “well that’s a given”

[Traveler]

Winnie: I am no expert on this subject so pardon my unformed ideas but I sense what I think is a problem.

First: You should not feel bad contacting your x. I think you should have the attidude - here is an opportunity. If he does not take it don't make a big deal about it - especially to your children. Maybe just say he does not know you like I do.

Second: Is that I do not think you should wait to contact your x except in times of need or frustration. Send him some good stuff once in a while.

Third: your children should have the opportunity to do some things on their own. Having contact or relationship with their father should not require your help. You should not allow yourself to be drawn into assisting in anything of that relationship - but you should encourage it at every opportunity.

Forth: If it is a burdon to go into debt you should tell your child that the debt will need to be paid back someday. Give them a chance to be the responsible one and if necessary you and your current hubby can take a helping and support role - not a take over and do it role.

You are not just sending your youngest child to school - you are building a responsible and strong man for the future good of society.

My thoughts - friend to friend. Never give up on the good stuff Winnie. :)

The Traveler

[Winnie G]

Dear Traveler,

I have not made a big deal over my ex in years the ones who hear me vent are your guys and my husband.

When I see them hurt I try to let them know how important they are and I try to pump them up as to what great kids they are. I have never said how sick I am of saying sorry for their father.

He can not say I did not keep him informed.

Your right this is a chance to come though for his son, if he does not I am the only one who will know, well you guys and my long suffering husband.

[DisRuptive1]

Maybe the ex doesn't want kids.

[Traveler]

Originally posted by Winnie G@Aug 19 2005, 05:08 PM

Dear Traveler,

I have not made a big deal over my ex in years the ones who hear me vent are your guys and my husband.

When I see them hurt I try to let them know how important they are and I try to pump them up as to what great kids they are. I have never said how sick I am of saying sorry for their father.

He can not say I did not keep him informed.

Your right this is a chance to come though for his son, if he does not I am the only one who will know, well you guys and my long suffering husband.

Dear Winnie: There is no offense intended and you do not need to justify a single thing with me. I have a bipolar mother-in-law. When she is not on her medication she is impossible to deal with. When she is - she can be sweet and wonderful. It has taken me many years to learn how to deal with this lady and help my wife maintain a relationship as her daughter.

A few things I have learned. It really does not help to vent my feelings when I am upset. I have found that venting does not help me. In fact it only makes coping with what I have to worse. I have also discovered that there is nothing I can say or do that will have any effect on my Mother-in-law. I have discovered that there are times I cannot deal with the problem and that I must remove myself from having to deal with it. Sometimes she seems to have a spirit with the one desire to make me angry. When this occurs I cannot allow that spirit control and sometimes the only other choice is to end our current interface - without getting angry, ever, even later on. I have learned to only deal with her when I can be kind and loving towards her.

I also understand that there are mistakes - I once called the police to have my mother-in-law removed from my home but over time I have been able to establish a loving relationship. Several times she has expressed to me that sometimes she does not feel loved by me but even among her children that I am the only one that can always be trusted. In those cases I tell her that I do not like her very much but that I love her with every fiber of my being and then I give her a hug, which is very hard for me because I did not come from a touchie feely huggy family .

Anyway Winnie - someday the L-rd will have to set this stuff straight, until then you might as well figure out the best way to get some joy and happiness out of it (as little of it as there is) because anything else will make you miserable and there are too many other good people around that do not deserve a miserable Winnie.

The Traveler

[Winnie G]

Well the ex called at lest.

Was very apprehensive to tell the kids any information that we needed to finish the forms, he gave my daughter a $40.000 as income then he told her that if her brother wanted anything he would have to call him. Then this morning specking to our son this morning before church it was $31.000.

We have given up on the right amount and just leave him off the paper work all together.

He told his son if he needed anything to just ask but don’t expect the moon.

He still did the whole (what’s your address and the girls sizes so I can send them some cloths).

That’s been the promise since they were left with their mother to fend for our selves.

In 14 years there has not one parcel arrived for Christmas, birthday or fall cloths.

My daughter said it was all she could do to not laugh.

But you know in my hart I wish just once just once he would have a sober enough moment and feel something for his children. One parcel just one. (Fingers crossed)

[StrawberryFields]

Winnie,

As another woman I understand your vent.

As another mother I understand that nothing hurts as much as when our children are hurt and we have no bandage large enough to make it better. In other words we can not help all of the time.

Winnie you are a wonderful mother and it sounds like although it still hurts when your ex continues to hurt them that they are maturing and have somewhat of an understanding of who this man is who fathered them. The real influence in their lives is the great man you are married too. Your children will continue to grow in mature into great people in spite of the antics of your ex. As I see it your children are still very blessed indeed.

[Ray]

Winnie,

If you live in a state with a law enforcing child support payments, and most states do have that law, then you don’t have to beg or ask your children’s father for help. All you have to do is let the child law enforcement services know that your children’s father isn’t paying child support, and they will go after him.

Or would you rather let their father get away with not paying?

[Winnie G]

Your right Ray.

I live in Canada and they do have ways to force him to pay what he owes. But it is not jail time. They take his drivers permit away but he is a truck driver that is why they keep giving it back. He is not allowed to have a car registered in his name so he is happy to show off his new big red truck to his friends who register it for him in their names.

He has owed me $52.000 dollars over 14 years with token payments just to get his truckers permit back long enough to fool the court. He works under the table.

I am filed with support enforcement for 14 years but they can only do so much, they have to find him first.

I am waiting for the next shoe to fall once he has to continue to pay as long as our son is in school, that will just add up and get bigger.

He told our daughter that if they attach his old age pension he will have nothing to live on and starve. Nice huh?

She asked me if I could stop them from doing that when he gets to that age.

Yup, Your mother will starve me when I am to old to work.

[Ray]

Your daughter sounds pretty smart from the way you described how she was ready to burst into laughter from something else her Dad once told her, and if I were you I would ask her to tell him that you won’t let him starve because you didn’t let her starve when there was nobody else around to feed her.

[Winnie G]

Oh boy I am going to remember that

[Laureltree]

Winnie, I hear ya there..........I pray it all works out and the lord sends your ex a spiritual 2 x 4

Hugs

[Winnie G]

I am holding in my hand the acceptance letter to the collage.

The lone though the military came though today as well.

My son will begin his higher education on the 3 of September.

I have not felt this way in years.

As he left to go to work this afternoon. My husbands throw him the car keys and said “take the car”. He passed his finely drivers permit test on Wednesday.

I don’t know who smiled more us or our son.