leming6 Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 I've had marriage problems for awhile now. We've slowly been working on things and trying to do better. One thing that I have an issue with is my husband's temper. He angers easily and has punched a hole in a wall, he hits himself and is rougher with the kids than he thinks he is. I've told him for years now that he is too rough. A few times in the heat of punishing one of our children he has hurt them, not on purpose, but because he is rougher than he thinks. He doesn't seem to think of what might happen if he goes ahead with a certain punishment. Yesterday, he did it again, he was putting my oldest child into a corner and hit her nose on the wall. My daughter got a bloody nose and her upper lip is still sore today. Due to the fact that we are having problems already, I told him to leave, that he crossed the line one to many times. He tried to apologize to my daughter, but I don't want them to think they did something wrong or that an apology is good enough for an act of physical violence. They need to know that in no way do they deserve that kind of treatment from him or anyone. What do I do to help him, try to save my marriage, and encourage a relationship between him and our children? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 You are in a dangerous situation. You need to leave with your children before things escalate to something much more serious than a nose bleed - as if a nose bleed and a busted lip isn't serious enough already! There are places you can go for mothers and their children. It would be a mistake to wait around for things to possibly get better, when clearly, his behaviour has been a pattern for quite sometime. This isn't to say you still can't get some form or counseling or therapy but meanwhile you need to protect your children.Also, when your husband lays a hand on you or your children - you need to call 911. Whether that's you calling or one of your kids calling. Domestic violence is serious and there should be no tolerance for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest missingsomething Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 You have a right to protect your children. If you do not.. who will? This doesnt mean your marriage has to end... just means to continue he has to accept and work on his temper ... with a professional. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. What happens to them now will affect their lives for a long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
will227457 Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 This doesnt mean your marriage has to end... just means to continue he has to accept and work on his temper ... with a professional.it dosent have to end the marriage but it most likely will...kick him out get a lawyer, and change the locks. YOU can't help him...he has to get help himself....but he should not be allowed near your children or you until he is in a program and has supervised court mandated visitation.....giving his child a nose bleed and busted lip is child abuse..nothing more nothing less...I agree he should "work" on his temper issues but not in your home.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 i disagree with calling 911 or involving the police if you can help it. sorry i just don't trust the "child protection" services. i do think he needs to leave, get help to deal with this, parenting classes, etc before he is allowed back. i think those things can be done without police involvement. unless he isn't really trying to work on the marriage like you say and resists what needs to be done. in which case i think you can still probably resolve it with a lawyer and a legal separation (get physical custody and child support). you do need to protect your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unixknight Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 i disagree with calling 911 or involving the police if you can help it. sorry i just don't trust the "child protection" services. i do think he needs to leave, get help to deal with this, parenting classes, etc before he is allowed back. i think those things can be done without police involvement. unless he isn't really trying to work on the marriage like you say and resists what needs to be done. in which case i think you can still probably resolve it with a lawyer and a legal separation (get physical custody and child support). you do need to protect your children.^This. Once Child Protective Services becomes involved a bloody nose will be the least of your problems. This is an entity with no oversight and can act with or without authorization from the courts. They will seek to regulate when and if the father gets to see the kids at all and will quickly put you right under a microscope.But yes, I agree with the others here that it seems the time for simply trying to talk about it with him hasn't helped. He's in a form of denial, and needs outside help.I've got a nasty temper too but I'd like to think if I'd ever done anything to my kids that caused them an injury like that I'd have taken that as a wake-up call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leming6 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 I do have to say that I am a little bit surprised that on an LDS forum people would suggest automatic get rid of him. Part of why I don't like to mention things is because of conclusions like this. I did make him leave that day. This weekend was a big wake-up call for him. Here's the update. After visiting with our branch president, he was allowed back home. He is required to do counseling and anger management classes. He has made a commitment to us that we will never do anything like that again. He knows if he does (even being accidental), it will have to be reported. The goal is to preserve our family and do what it takes it work. Even though my husband has a temper, we all love him and are willing to put in the work neccessary to help him, not walk away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 I've had marriage problems for awhile now. We've slowly been working on things and trying to do better. One thing that I have an issue with is my husband's temper. He angers easily and has punched a hole in a wall, he hits himself and is rougher with the kids than he thinks he is. I've told him for years now that he is too rough. A few times in the heat of punishing one of our children he has hurt them, not on purpose, but because he is rougher than he thinks. He doesn't seem to think of what might happen if he goes ahead with a certain punishment. Yesterday, he did it again, he was putting my oldest child into a corner and hit her nose on the wall. My daughter got a bloody nose and her upper lip is still sore today. Due to the fact that we are having problems already, I told him to leave, that he crossed the line one to many times. He tried to apologize to my daughter, but I don't want them to think they did something wrong or that an apology is good enough for an act of physical violence. They need to know that in no way do they deserve that kind of treatment from him or anyone. What do I do to help him, try to save my marriage, and encourage a relationship between him and our children?Contact your Home Teachers and Bishop immediately.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 I do have to say that I am a little bit surprised that on an LDS forum people would suggest automatic get rid of him. Part of why I don't like to mention things is because of conclusions like this. I did make him leave that day. This weekend was a big wake-up call for him. Here's the update. After visiting with our branch president, he was allowed back home. He is required to do counseling and anger management classes. He has made a commitment to us that we will never do anything like that again. He knows if he does (even being accidental), it will have to be reported. The goal is to preserve our family and do what it takes it work. Even though my husband has a temper, we all love him and are willing to put in the work neccessary to help him, not walk away.It is not to walk away that is impotant, it letting those who are supposed to watch over you know what is going on and give aid to you when it is needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thankfull Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 He is clearly asking for help. Pray for him to understand where this anger is stemming from. Speaking for myself my anger in the past and present is always from my own disobedience or sin. Tell him because you love him and want to work things out you need time apart. Seperation will be a good thing. Maybe he has a relative to stay with for a while. Through the time apart he will have a oppurtunity to evaluate the true desire of his heart. If he is willing to humble himself and seek to repair and restore love towards his family he will find the way. Suggest scriptures that deal with temperance or the recent conference talk on this subject. Counseling of course is what is needed most. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 i disagree with calling 911 or involving the police if you can help it. sorry i just don't trust the "child protection" services. i do think he needs to leave, get help to deal with this, parenting classes, etc before he is allowed back. i think those things can be done without police involvement. unless he isn't really trying to work on the marriage like you say and resists what needs to be done. in which case i think you can still probably resolve it with a lawyer and a legal separation (get physical custody and child support). you do need to protect your children.Gwen - Depending on the state, though, she may be legally obligated to call CPS. In Utah, for example, anyone who even suspects child abuse must call CPS. Even I, as a lawyer, am subject to this requirement if I suspect my client is hurting his kids--the Utah abuse reporting statute trumps attorney-client privilege. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
will227457 Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 Abusive relationships often don't get better they get worse, by allowing your husband back in the home you are essentially saying to your children that his behavior is "ok" when you as a grandmother someday see your grandchild beign abused you will know were the behavior was learned....while I belive in preserving marriage when possible your childrens safety should come first, Visiting the branch president is a start but only that and should not be enough to allow him back in the home.you posted your issue in a public forum, and this is an issue that many people feel strongly about, that I and others have suggested that you leave him until he gets help does not suprise me at all....I would like to hear an update in 3 months ie. did he really get in a program? a weekend away will not change anythingall this said opnions are like.... well you know, ultimatly it's your life just remember youare responsible for the welfare of your children.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 Gwen - Depending on the state, though, she may be legally obligated to call CPS. In Utah, for example, anyone who even suspects child abuse must call CPS. Even I, as a lawyer, am subject to this requirement if I suspect my client is hurting his kids--the Utah abuse reporting statute trumps attorney-client privilege.then she needs to get a lawyer and find out the law and the consequences to her when she "acts" on it before doing anything. i've seen child protect systems do good things, i'm not saying they don't. i've also seen them kidnap ppl's kids, of course they won't call it that because it's done "within the law". i'm just saying if you can work this out between yourselves then you must do so. reporting it may be exactly the right thing to do. if in the end they are divorcing she doesn't want to have to send her kids for long periods of time to an abusive home without supervision. she may not be able to stop that if it's not reported. only a lawyer will really know where she stands. i would talk to one before involving government officials. resolve it between yourselves if you can. i guess in the end my advise to the op is hope for the best, plan for the worst. talk to the lawyer, know where you stand and understand the worst case senario... in the meantime get counseling with the husband and hope it can be worked out for the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 OP, you are upset from certain posts because they were responses you did not want to hear. But they have truth in them. I have been in your situation. My voice comes from experience and I stand by my previous comment. will227457, great post and I entirely agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leming6 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2009 We are working with the church on putting things back together. The church saw no need in reporting this situation as abuse, this was an accidental event, and I trust the church and what it has to offer. I truly hope no one got the impression that this household is the typical abusive household, because that is not the case. Our branch president is fully involved in helping us preserve the family and marriage. The church does not believe that you can fix a family by having them seperated, if my husband and I were not together we couldn't work together. My opinion is that yes, there are circumstances that warrent a seperation and leaving and possible legal actions, but not all. Families are core to our society and through repentance and change, families can work as a better unit. It just takes work on all parts. My husband is working hard on his anger. After a few sessions in talking with the bp, he has realized the scope of his actions on the family and on his covenants with the Lord. It is a repentance process we both need to work on and move forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryanh Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 Abusive relationships often don't get better they get worseI'm so tired of hearing people throwing around that statement in judgmental ways anytime they hear of a person that has an anger issues. Might as well accuse every person who has problems, or sins in any way, that they will never repent or get better - only worse. Ugh. Counseling and reading can be very helpful. Find out what might be the root causes of his anger. The way he was raised? Overly sensitive to being hurt? Need for control? Mental illness? Discovering the root drivers will go a long way in finding how to solve the problem. You did good making him leave. Even a longer term separation may be helpful in providing enough of a wake up call if he doesn't get his act together on his own now. Don't be too afraid of separation as the death of a marriage. It doesn't have to be the first step to it's death, and in certain circumstances, can be a helpful step in moving forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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