Closed-minded family

[mandii]

Warning: This is going to be a looooong post. I'm sorry. If you want a "long story short" scroll down to the stars and then begin reading.

Let me start off by sort of explaining my situation. I was born and raised Protestant... well sort of. We went to church most Sundays until I was about 12... then we would drift in and out. When I was 14 (I am now in my 20s) we stopped going altogether. I have not been to church, other than on Christmas Eve, since I was 14 years old. That said, I read the Bible nightly and pray often and feel that I have a very solid relationship with Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. I haven't returned to Church because the denomination I was a member of seemed very hypocritical to me. What was preached is NOT what was practiced. I was told that we believe the Bible but ever since I started reading it in depth (at around age 14 because I felt guilty for not going to church lol) I realized that basically my church picked only parts of the Bible that were convenient to believe. I went to a few other Protestant churches of other denominations with friends, but they all seemed the same. Just not very Bible-based.

Out of this situation I just decided to label myself as "non-denominational Christian" although I wasn't thrilled about it. I have always been searching for a Church that I can really believe is true... all or at least most of the doctrine. A few years ago I looked into Catholicism (I was dating a Catholic lol) and it seemed okay. I thought about converting... but I just wasn't convinced, you know?

Then about a year or so ago, I stumbled across a new blog (I'm an avid blog reader, not writer though) of an LDS woman. I was under the impression that I knew everything and I mean EVERYTHING about Mormons. After all, I watched Big Love and then did a wikipedia search... what more info did I need??? But then, because the church-related terminology was over my head, I started hardcore researching. I found out what a priesthood holder is, words of wisdom, etc. In the process I also realized that the LDS church teaches a LOT of concepts I have always believed such as premortal existence, etc. and is also the most Biblical church I have ever come across. So for the past few months, I have been what I guess you would call an "investigator". I am very interested in the Church and hope that it will give me the sense of peace (as a result of truth) that I am searching for.

***************************************

I am reading the BoM and honestly, I want it to be true. I think it could be true. I find it very uplifting and do not think it conflicts with the Bible in the least. But for some reason, every time I think about converting I get a lump in my throat. It makes me sooo nervous and I think that the reason I can not bring myself to admit that the LDS Church is true is that my family would think I am CRAZY. I mean insane. My father is agnostic and apathetic about all matters of faith, but my mother and only sister literally think ALL other churches, including other Protestant denominations, are just plain wrong. Even though they are what I would consider "lukewarm" in their faith and no longer attend church, they are very convicted of this. Oh... and don't get me started on what they think about Mormons.

My sister used to date an exmo who I guess was really bitter because he told her things about the Church that I have found are flat-out lies. Mormons can't dance? Mormons can't drink caffeinated soda? Erm... I don't think so. Maybe those are things his family abstained from, but obviously they are not things that one HAS to abstain from as a member of the Church. (And... as an aside... is it THAT weird to abstain from dancing and soda??? Those things are definitely NOT a part of my daily life...)

So basically I knew that they had misinformation from that situation (AND watching Big Love... what is up with that show??? Obviously they aren't LDS because the practice polygamy but the show makes it seem as though they are and portrays all the LDS aspects in an exceedingly CREEPY way... no wonder they think Mormons are weird.) but I didn't know just HOW misinformed they were until a local college team played BYU the other day and they were watching the game with some friends. WOW. The things people think about the LDS Church. It is literally insane. I'm not going to repeat it because most of it is very offensive, but it was wrong, wrong, wrong.

So here's my dilemma... what if the LDS Church is everything I've been looking for but my family is vehemently opposed to my joining? I know I have to do what is right for me but I am still in school right now and still live with (and am VERY financially dependent upon) my parents. I have tried explaining to them what LDSaints actually believe, but my attempts have been met with scorn and disbelief. Should I wait until I am on my own to join and/or start going to church? I can't imagine waiting any longer but I am fearful that I will have to be on my own before a) anyone will let me attend a church that is not the denomination I was raised in and/or b) I can even allow myself to admit that this is for sure where I belong. Any advice is much appreciated.

[FunkyTown]

Wow. I feel for you, Mandii.

I can tell you that I understand - My family thought, thinks and will continue to think that I'm crazy. Worse, because your family knows you from birth, they are the least likely to listen to you of any group, so regardless of how good your reasons are, they will likely always disdain and dislike this part of you.

In fact, the first year you join the church, you will face difficulties: Changing lifestyles, perhaps an argument with a church member, hordes of little things that will try to pull you from the church. It will be tough.

But I want you to think about your life right now. You know there's something more out there. You know and can feel that God loves you and is guiding you. You aren't alone. You don't need to feel inadequate.

Trust God. Think of what you want in your life. You'll know the truth from that. I was in your same position and I did. :)

God bless.

[Guest]

I'm in the same position too! I'm the only non-Catholic in my side of the family! There are a few cousins who are born again Christians and some other protestant denominations and they band together to form their own "group" but I'm the only LDS so, I'm shunned from the Catholic side and protestant side as well.

It took my family a long time to get comfortable with my decision to convert (it was very painful) and even now, my mother still sends my name to the Carmelite sisters to pray for me...

Anyway, I was bold because I was already living on my own. But, in your situation, I can completely understand how you would be fearful of backlash. It is quite possible that they will financially cut you off. So, my meager advice (now, this is just my point of view, of course), just "lie low" for now. Focus on building your own testimony before asking to get baptized. Continue to ponder about the restored gospel and the apostasy and the prophet Joseph Smith. Gain a very strong testimony of these things.

And at the same time, work hard to become financially independent. You want to be FREE to make choices. If the consequence of your choice is not something you can live with (like financial burden), then figure out a way to make the consequence acceptable (become financially independent). Know what I mean?

Then when you're ready, you can walk into a ward building and get baptized.

Good luck!

[beefche]

Wow, difficult situation.

No one can tell you what to do. You are going to have to find out if the LDS church is God's true and living church, if Joseph Smith really who he says he was, and if the Book of Mormon really is the word of God. The thing is, I believe that once one finds out that these things are true, then one feels compelled to act on that knowledge. Until you are ready to make that decision and accept the consequences (whether they be good or bad), you won't be able to do much of anything.

Funky is right that Satan is going to target you. Just think of yourself with a bullseye on your head, cause Satan wants to torment you. Expect it. Then defeat him.

Anatess is also right in that you will likely have family difficulties for a long time if you do decide to join the church. Almost any convert can tell you of their personal story with family members who oppose their decision to join. For me, I just quietly do the things I believe are right and accept their behavior (to some extent)--they do it from love/concern.

Good luck and God bless.

[Just_A_Guy]

If you're still financially dependent on your parents and you think that support might end if you join the LDS Church, I would suggest you sit down and have a frank conversation with them and ask what their expectations are. Even if you stay out of the Church until you're done with school, your joining the Church the minute you no longer need your parents' help (without having previously notified them of your intent to do so) is likely to leave them feeling somewhat snookered.

Best that everyone knows what to expect from everyone else from the get-go. They may not like your decision, but they'll at least know you've been honest with them.

[mandii]

Thanks for all the kind replies. You guys are awesome.

I should be clear that while I am financially dependent on my parents, I do not forsee them "cutting me off" for any reason, even if every aspect of my life went against everything they believed. They love and support me no matter what; their love is unconditional, but their acceptance of my actions is not.

I'm not worried about being alienated, as I have been the oddball of the family since birth. I just don't think like them, and I am okay with that. They aren't really. They like to mock me and poke fun at my differences because they find it humorous... and it is to an extent I suppose. I don't fit in with them, I never have, and I probably never will. I am okay with this and okay with the fact that they think I'm a little crazy.

I guess I'm more worried about THEM than myself. They will be hurt by my decision to join the church. They will think I'm crazy and will probably not want to include me in family activities because of it. It will cause them a great deal of confusion and quite possibly anger. And here's where my problem comes in: I would feel like it's all my fault. How do you live with something like that?

I hope this makes sense... they really do love and support me, but will not necessarily AGREE with me, and the disagreements will break their hearts.

[unixknight]

My parents weren't anti-LDS but they had a rough time of it when I joined the Church. My dad especially, which was weird since he doesn't trust any worldwide organized church, yet he's Catholic.

It took some time to adjust (like I couldn't have beers with dad anymore) but as they noticed the positive changes in my life that came as a result of my joining the Church, they felt better about it, and eventually agreed that it was a positive thing for me.

[nbblood]

This is an uncomfortable situation. I can relate from personal experience (not my own, my wife). But here is some food for thought.

This is the 11th Article of Faith:

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

This is one of our foundational beliefs, that agency is important. Why is this agency, a critical difference between God's and Satan's plan, not so important to other religions? Why would they not recognize the importance of someone searching and making their decisions according to their own agency?

Mosiah 18:8-11

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

11 And now when the people had heard these words, they clapped their hands for joy, and exclaimed: This is the desire of our hearts.

Is this the desire of your heart? You are worried about your family being offended. What about the Lord? This is a powerful message to me. I just provide it for food for thought.

Alma 34:32-33

32 For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.

33 And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed.

This too is a powerful message to me. I refer to it often. I tend to procrastinate, to say "I'll do it tomorrow." What if there is no tomorrow? Again, I provide as food for thought.

Finally, I offer that the power of prayer is tremendous. Take your questions to God and ask him. Pray for him to soften the hearts of your family. I think you'll find that he will soften their hearts, perhaps not without initial trial and contention. Anyway, take your questions and issues to Him with faith and sincerity and I think you'll find the answers you're looking for.

Nathan

[Guest]

Thanks for all the kind replies. You guys are awesome.

I should be clear that while I am financially dependent on my parents, I do not forsee them "cutting me off" for any reason, even if every aspect of my life went against everything they believed. They love and support me no matter what; their love is unconditional, but their acceptance of my actions is not.

I'm not worried about being alienated, as I have been the oddball of the family since birth. I just don't think like them, and I am okay with that. They aren't really. They like to mock me and poke fun at my differences because they find it humorous... and it is to an extent I suppose. I don't fit in with them, I never have, and I probably never will. I am okay with this and okay with the fact that they think I'm a little crazy.

I guess I'm more worried about THEM than myself. They will be hurt by my decision to join the church. They will think I'm crazy and will probably not want to include me in family activities because of it. It will cause them a great deal of confusion and quite possibly anger. And here's where my problem comes in: I would feel like it's all my fault. How do you live with something like that?

I hope this makes sense... they really do love and support me, but will not necessarily AGREE with me, and the disagreements will break their hearts.

Aw Mandii, then this is almost like my case. I say, gain a strong testimony. That's your very first step - because once you gain the truth it will give you courage. And then you will see that God does work miracles.

I never thought my parents will accept my conversion - they were already at odds with me for marrying outside of my culture. Then, not even 5 years later, I drop another bomb on them about me converting to my husband's religion. I hated to hurt them again. My dad and brother did not speak to me for a year after I got married. I was very afraid they won't speak to me FOREVER after converting. But, I knew in my heart the restored gospel is true. I cannot reject it no matter how I reason it out. So, I had to follow my heart. But, at the same time, I had to give my family credit. I know they love me and I know they only want what's best for me. When they realized becoming LDS made me a better person, with a very strong faithful family, then they started to accept it. I don't think they'll ever become LDS, but, who knows - my dad just told me not too long ago he read the biography of Joseph Smith! In any case, even if we still cannot talk about religion everything else is back to normal. I still attend some Catholic functions - like my nephew's first communion and such and several baptisms and weddings, but they all know I'm not Catholic anymore so they don't push me to take the sacrament or anything like that. They know we don't drink alcohol or coffee or tea so they don't push us in parties. They respect it now. Which is really cool. And just 2 months ago, my brother attended my son's LDS baptism! I didn't even have to convince him. I just said, my son is getting baptized and my brother says, "Of course we'll be there!". And that was that!

[OneEternalSonata]

If you come to know of the truthfulness of this Church and join it, you will open doors for your family to receive the blessings of the Gospel, as well. Like Unix and his parents, your family may in time see the positives, too. Its a difficult journey, that is true, however I've seen the Lord work on my family's hearts. My dad went from severely anti to kindly acceptance in four years. It required humbling on my part, and on his. We have more progress to make, yet this remarkable change is slow but steady. The Lord will help you, also! =)

[WmLee]

This is a tough one. I do have a lady who is divorced and has been dated a man for over a year. She has never told him she is LDS until recenty. His rely . . . "When can I join". He liked what he saw in her, her standards, her family committment, and her loving character. She never pushed church on him, told him she had family things to do on Sunday, but converted him through her example. His baptism is in two weeks. Once he knew "her secret" and what made her so loveable, he wanted to be the same.

I don't know if that helps you at all but I felt you might like to know how someone else handled it.

[Vort]

I was under the impression that I knew everything and I mean EVERYTHING about Mormons. After all, I watched Big Love and then did a wikipedia search... what more info did I need???

I like you. :)

(And... as an aside... is it THAT weird to abstain from dancing and soda??? Those things are definitely NOT a part of my daily life...)

Lots of Mormons abstain from caffeinated soda. I should be one of them, because it gives me terrible headaches...but I confess to downing more Mountain Deaths than I ought. I don't know of any Mormons that abstain from soda pop altogether, but surely some of us are smart enough to do so.

As for dancing...I abstain from that only because I don't have time to ballroom dance with my wife and I can't stand "boogie dancing". In any case, the National Champion BYU Ballroom Dance Team will be disappointed to find out that they aren't supposed to dance.

So here's my dilemma... what if the LDS Church is everything I've been looking for but my family is vehemently opposed to my joining? I know I have to do what is right for me but I am still in school right now and still live with (and am VERY financially dependent upon) my parents. I have tried explaining to them what LDSaints actually believe, but my attempts have been met with scorn and disbelief. Should I wait until I am on my own to join and/or start going to church? I can't imagine waiting any longer but I am fearful that I will have to be on my own before a) anyone will let me attend a church that is not the denomination I was raised in and/or b) I can even allow myself to admit that this is for sure where I belong. Any advice is much appreciated.

Here is my advice, in no particular order and, perhaps, of no particular value -- remember, I'm just some random guy on the internet:

• Honor your father and your mother. Show them you love them and value their counsel, in word and in deed.
• Honoring your parents does not mean refusing to join an organization you believe to be true and of divine origin.
• Don't refuse to join the Church because you're afraid of being cut off financially. Remember the teachings of Jesus to the rich young man.
• On the other hand, don't join the Church out of sheer rebellion or to demonstrate your independence. Join the Church because you believe it to be the kingdom of God on earth, and you feel you have received a testimony (or, in other words, a revelation from God) that tells you so.
• Read, study, ponder, pray.
• Seek to educate your family about things Mormon. You don't have to lecture or make a big production out of it. Just let them know the truth about things.
• Latter-day Saints are widely misunderstood; however, we are certainly not the only people that are misunderstood. Avoid adopting a "persecution mentality" about how awful everyone treats the poor Mormons. Even if it's true in some cases, it's not helpful to you.

Best of luck, and God bless you.

PS I think you've been given some pretty wise counsel in this thread from many people, several of whom have stood in your shoes. Take it for what it's worth to you.

Edited October 29, 2009 by Vort