Awful situation.

[funkenheimer]

To put it bluntly.....

I think all 3 of you are too young for relationships of this magnitude and lack the maturity to deal with these kinds of problems. A few years at this age can make all the difference in the world.

[amtrak]

Oh come on... how many Mormons get married >22 and extremely immature?

I think that's a bit of a generalized statement...

All I want right now is to put this aside me, and if something happens great! And to see her, and for her to just be happy, and I guess him as well.

[Bini]

Oh come on... how many Mormons get married >22 and extremely immature?

I think that's a bit of a generalized statement...

All I want right now is to put this aside me, and if something happens great! And to see her, and for her to just be happy, and I guess him as well.

Too many.

I was a teenager when I first got married and from my own personal experience, no matter how mature and responsible I thought I was at that time, I was still very selfish and was not ready. I can't speak for every 22 year old and younger but I'd say a vast majority of them are or were in the same boat as me. Sometimes, wisdom among other things, does come from experience by age.

From this whole thread, I'm still in support of NSA at all with this girl, including possibly putting close friendship on hold. It seems like the boundaries between romance and friendship are a bit blurry for you. Take. A. Break! Give her room to breathe and for goodness sakes, give yourself some room to breathe.

Best wishes.

[funkenheimer]

Oh come on... how many Mormons get married >22 and extremely immature?

I think that's a bit of a generalized statement...

All I want right now is to put this aside me, and if something happens great! And to see her, and for her to just be happy, and I guess him as well.

I'm sorry if I offended you, that was not my intent. Typically there is a great deal of maturing that happens between ages 18/19 and 22 (not sure where this number came from). This is often the time when young adults start living live for themselves. They often go to college, move away to work, or serve an LDS mission. This is a very general statement and I never meant it otherwise.

All I am saying is the divorce rate for those who marry young is much higher than those who wait. Marrying in the temple loweres the divorce rate but even then it is still higher than those who wait until they are older and marry in the temple.

These statements are very general and very statistical. Also, my statement regarding the lack of maturity was not based on your age. It was based on your reaction to the situation and your responses in this post.

Here is the bottom line. Use the information here and whatever else you can find regarding this type of situation. Study the scriptures and pray about the decision. In the end the Lord is the only one who truly knows how this will all turn out.

On a related note, I have been going through some difficult times in my life the last several months and I picked up a book the other day called "Where can I Turn for Peace?" It is written by several authors who each write one section of the book. It is a short book, a little more than 100 pages, but it talks about the peace that comes from the Lord, what that peace can do, and how to find it and enhance it. It has been an incredible help for me and I highly recommend it to anyone who is facing challenges.

[FunkyTown]

I predict doom, Amtrak, and I'll tell you why:

You are making yourself too emotionally available. When you are the shoulder that women cry on, you become the 'nice guy'. They view you as someone to vent to rather than a romantic companion. When the only time you're associated is with casual chat and sadness, the happy attracted feelings don't work.

So here is where you've messed up in the romantic department:

1) Being the shoulder to cry on. She has girlfriends for that. It doesn't work. It doesn't build romantic attraction.

2) Saying 'Him or me'. It communicated neediness coupled with control freak behaviour. I have never, in the entire history of relationships, heard of 'Him or me!' working out well.

3) Crawling back to her after saying it was him or you. Not only did this communicate neediness and control freak behaviour, but it also communicated that you're wishy washy and have low self-esteem.

Pretty much this relationship is doomed. A year from now, when you haven't put yourself out to any other rewarding relationships, you will still think she is 'The one' and you'll always wonder why things aren't working out when you're such a nice guy.

Frankly, I would move on. She will never look at you the way you want her to. As harsh as that sounds, it's true.

Haha, yep! Casual communication with txting is so easy.

The sad thing is their is a lack of emotion in it. So it's good and bad.

Well I had a nice talk with her tonight that started out kinda serious about stuff then we started talking a lot more normal about normal stuff just without the romantic element to it but I could tell we were both holding back. It was more then a friendly conversation.

I want to forget about her but can't. I feel like I'm 16 again in stupid puppy love but I think it's more then that.

I guess I'll ride it out.

I'm going back for Thanksgiving soon, so I hope I see her before then as well..

Any more tips is very much appreciated.

This forum is a great utility!!!

[Guest mormonmusic]

I learned the hard way that sometimes the best thing to do is to back away when you've created or contributed to negative feelings. It's hard, I know, because you probably feel deeply for this girl.

My advice -- decide how badly you want this relationship. If you really love her, and want this relationship, then tell her that what matters is her right now. That she needs to cope with the feelings she has, for as long as it takes to get past them -- this might take time, and that you don't want to add to the burdens she's feeling. Apologize for the "Me or Him" comment and let her know you made a mistake, that it was selfish or any other reason that it is sincere.

Tell her you care about her, and that if she ever wants to talk to you about anything, you're there. Let her know you respect her in spite of what's happened, and let her know you're going to pray for her, and be supportive, for example (you'll know what feels right -- supportive, but not romantic).

Then, sit back and do nothing. If she reaches out for you, great -- be a friend, and not a romantic partner until she expresses a desire for it -- if she doesn't, it means it's better if you move forward to greener pastures.

There will come a point when she will either flow into your life again with love, or something will happen that will tell you it's time to move on......

This will take patience, self-discipline, and refocusing your efforts on other things that bring you happiness. It may mean in prayer, accepting that she may not be the one and that may be no future romantic relationship. The Lord will help you accept this with peace if you ask for it.

If the relationship happens, it will be a blessing, if not, you have the satisfaction of knowing forever that you tried to be warm and kind to someone who was suffering....without your own personal agenda getting in the way. You'll also have greater self-respect and self-esteem when you reflect on how you handled this situation with strength.

One thing I do in these situations, when its hard to control thoughts is write out the reasons you should stay away from her for now. Write out the attitudes you would like to hold about this situation.

Many good reasons are here on this board. If you feel that not contacting her is the right thing (after your expression of space-giving to her), pull out the list whenever you feel you want to contact her, read through the list a few times. This will bring positive "self-talk" to your mind and will bring you peace, and put your in control of your thoughts while reading.

I do this occasionally. It helps a lot -- try it, I'd like to know how it works for you.

Here's a start:

1. I'll gain more respect and "results" from her by giving her space, than smothering her with my own needs.

2. I'll be happier when I focus on doing __[list some things you like doing]__ than thinking about my relationship with her.

3. I'll respect myself more for leaving her to make her own choices about me, than if I try to wedge myself back into her life before she's ready.

4. If I truly love her, I'll do what's best for her during this difficult time, and that's to leave her alone.

5. The Lord has the power to help me control my thoughts and feelings -- I will rely on him every time I pray to help me to back away from this situation until she makes a choice or I meet someone new.

6. The Lord has a plan for me and if she isn't the right person, then there will be someone else. And I need to be emotionally in control, and positive, when I meet that person.

etc....you will probably have your own statements that resonate more strongly than these, but I lay these out as samples...good luck, I've just said a prayer for you, that you'll be able to do the right thing, and have greater peace, and that you'll gain strength from prayer and your relationship with God.

Also, remember email and texting isn't for emotional issues. So, avoid texting her about anything that is emotionally important to you....you will probably misinterpret what she means, there's so little non-verbal information in a text....

Edited November 17, 2009 by mormonmusic

[Carl62]

I know you're going to think that I'm crazy for saying this, but I would cease any and all contact for about a month! Experience has taught me, like the old saying, that you cannot "get" someone until you're prepared to lose them. Chasing this girl who's giving you the runaround will never work. If she is giving you a hard time, don't try to persuade or plead with her. Instead, I would just turn your back and go off in the opposite direction. You'll find that, sooner than you think, she'll be chasing you.:)

[zippy_do46]

Then get busy. You are thinking too much about this. Volunteer or since you can not go on a mission does not mean you can not help with the mission of the church. Helping others can sometimes clear our minds of the "ME" thinking. Help the elderly. Find a Brother or Sister in the church that may need that extra help through the Holidays and get busy.

[Moksha]

Probably the him or me discussion was premature. What she really needed was an affirmation that she was okay. Still, the question regarding her feelings for him needed to be discussed sooner or later.