Feel like I don't fit in

[Caroline67]

I have been going to the same ward for over 5 years and since I have moved here, I feel like I don't fit in. I live in a wealthy area and am not. I am a working mom and was inactive since I moved here. I was also disfellowshipped. Some preisthood leaders know why. I still pulled myself together by myself. I went for me. No one has really reached out to me or my family. We rarely get invited anywhere. I feel that since I confessed my sins when I moved here, people started avoiding me. I am struggling to stay active. I feel since we are not temple members and we don't live in a cool neighborhood we don't matter. I see new members move in and they are in the cool clique because they live in the right neighborhood or are temple members. The sisters don't reach out to get to know me. In my other non mormon world I feel accepted and people recognize my talents and abilities. Does anyone feel this way... How do you deal with coming back from being inactive? How do you deal with living in a wealthy area and you are not, how do you deal with not having a temple recommend and not getting any cool callings or never being asked to do anything.

[MLM91]

Yikes. I registered on this site just to reply to this because it sounds like I typed it. So I'll give my take - and you can chalk it up however you want, but you asked. You've got a pretty strong oxy-moron latent in your post, namely this: you "went for [yourself]" but you're struggling to remain active because of how you experience the people. For me, I eventually recognized that the people around me aren't the reason I go to church. Sounds basic enough, but in practice that desire for my perceived "acceptance" really was just a way for me to define a bunch of ways in which I wasn't accepted. Yep, I'm saying it was a way for me to judge all of the folks that I labeled "clique" - with all of their cruise ship getaways and social parties. Not very productive, especially considering that I really didn't want to be on a ship with these people for the sake of being included. I went to church because the alternative was extreme; a net of one of two things: 1) believe it but don't practice it, or 2) don't believe it and question everything. That's a pretty sharp trade off for my experience with people. So ultimately I just stopped caring about how I was perceived or how I perceived people, set my judgements down for a while, and actually listened at church. I really can't deny the result. It's not all the time, but more often than I expected I hear something that really impacts my perspective, and that's a great thing.

[mnn727]

I have found that in order to have a friend you need to be a friend -- and this translates into the Ward like this

1. if you want someone to shake your hand in the morning and welcome you to Church, then get there early and go around and shake other peoples hands and welcome them - I guarantee that there are people there thinking just like you

2. Participate in classes, read the lesson before hand, and try to come up with one good question or quote in each lesson -- you won't always be able to say it, but you also won't just ne sitting there.

3. Invite some one over, pick another single Mom or a small family about your age with kids about your kids age and invite them over for dinner some Sunday or if you can't afford dinner then desert, my wife and I did this in a ward that we thought was very unfriendly -- seems everyone was just waiting for someone else to do something

4. Become part of the missionary effort in the poor part of the ward. Sad fact is, that SOME rich people will always look down on poorer people, so more poorer people will give you more people with more things in common

5. Never miss your visit teaching and if your Home teachers and visiting teacher don' set appointments on their own, find out who they are and invite them. Make some homemade cookies and send some home with them, do the same with your visit teaching families, make some cookies or cake or bars and leave enough for the family.

6. be sure to attend any ward socials, functions,relief society homemaking meetings, etc -- even if they are not 'your thing' and talk to people while you are there.

In general start acting the way that you want to others to act towards you

[NeuroTypical]

Yep - I forget which weekend AM cartoon my kids were watching, but it involved everyone scared to death of the new guy who sat by himself, was rude to people, and looked mean. It turns out that he had problems with people assuming that he was mean before, so he showed up to the new place defensive. Once everyone started talking to each other, he realized the people around him weren't judging him harshly, and they learned that although he looked mean, he really was cool.

I don't think this is an LDS-specific issue, Caroline. The world is full of lonely people who sit alone in crowded rooms and wish they weren't alone. And sometimes it's full of people like this. :)

LM

[Misshalfway]

I have been going to the same ward for over 5 years and since I have moved here, I feel like I don't fit in. I live in a wealthy area and am not. I am a working mom and was inactive since I moved here. I was also disfellowshipped. Some preisthood leaders know why. I still pulled myself together by myself. I went for me. No one has really reached out to me or my family. We rarely get invited anywhere. I feel that since I confessed my sins when I moved here, people started avoiding me. I am struggling to stay active. I feel since we are not temple members and we don't live in a cool neighborhood we don't matter. I see new members move in and they are in the cool clique because they live in the right neighborhood or are temple members. The sisters don't reach out to get to know me. In my other non mormon world I feel accepted and people recognize my talents and abilities. Does anyone feel this way... How do you deal with coming back from being inactive? How do you deal with living in a wealthy area and you are not, how do you deal with not having a temple recommend and not getting any cool callings or never being asked to do anything.

I can relate to many of your feelings and I want you to know that your feelings aren't stupid or erroneous and I know its hard and it hurts. I think when you are trying to manage a repentance process and a reactivation process, sometimes I think Satan uses others against us. Not that they are even aware. Maybe Satan just uses the weaknesses of others to drive home his lies into our heads. And sometimes mormons can just be hard groups to integrate with. I think maybe some of our nonmember neighbors might relate to that.

I don't know if I have any wonderful solutions for you. There may be some truth to Mnn's post. But I also know what its like to try creative ways and still have in not work out into the kind of relationships or inclusion that is hoped. When one is struggling profoundly, adding social efforts are sometimes very hard. Repentance is literally a healing process. We wouldn't expect a heart patient to be out and about. Perhaps it unrealistic to expect the same with spiritual struggles as well.

It's interesting to watch mormon behavior sometimes. How we react to "sinners" or those who struggle with the unfamiliar or those who are simply different is an interesting indicator to me. Some wards are just warmer or more aware than others. Some wards are down right mean spirited and do lots of damage on the social scene. It seems I have seen the spectrum.

[Islander]

I have been going to the same ward for over 5 years and since I have moved here, I feel like I don't fit in. I live in a wealthy area and am not. I am a working mom and was inactive since I moved here. I was also disfellowshipped. Some preisthood leaders know why. I still pulled myself together by myself. I went for me. No one has really reached out to me or my family. We rarely get invited anywhere. I feel that since I confessed my sins when I moved here, people started avoiding me. I am struggling to stay active. I feel since we are not temple members and we don't live in a cool neighborhood we don't matter. I see new members move in and they are in the cool clique because they live in the right neighborhood or are temple members. The sisters don't reach out to get to know me. In my other non mormon world I feel accepted and people recognize my talents and abilities. Does anyone feel this way... How do you deal with coming back from being inactive? How do you deal with living in a wealthy area and you are not, how do you deal with not having a temple recommend and not getting any cool callings or never being asked to do anything.

It is very easy to point outward when things do not go your way. The Gospel is not about cruises or parties. Not having a Temple Recommend or a calling is not anyone's fault. You have the answer why you do not have a recommend. You should strive to qualify to receive one and expand your ability to serve.

Go out with the missionaries, volunteer at the Bishop store house or the DI. You will find the kind of joy in service that can not be found in the "socializing" that you so desire.

[Moksha]

We care about you Sister Caroline and you can have full fellowship here.

I don't really know how to deal with snootiness in an enclave of wealth, but maybe wearing a monocle can help you to blend in.

:)

[CopenKagan]

I know exactly where you are coming from. I am divorced and didn't serve a mission, I have gotten that treatment from so many members.

My brother came home early from his mission because he had clinical depression and would have anxiety attacks and lock himself in the bathroom, sometimes for hours because he couldn't compose himself.

We both have had our time in which we felt like we weren't good enough for the members of our respective wards. We both fell inactive because we didn't feel welcome and that we weren't good enough.

What I'm trying to say is don't let others bring you down because they feel like they have the authority to cast you out because you are different than them or that you have made mistakes (that's what the Atonement is for ). Nobody is perfect. Try to focus on people that try to embrace you in the ward. Don't focus on the people that shun you.

There is a reason you are there, trust me. When my brother came home and was cast out by the ward members, they didn't realize that the reason he was home is because 1 week to the day that he came home, my dad passed away. You may not know the reason you are being subjected to these hard times, but you will find out why you are there. Stay strong!

[Traveler]

I have been going to the same ward for over 5 years and since I have moved here, I feel like I don't fit in. I live in a wealthy area and am not. I am a working mom and was inactive since I moved here. I was also disfellowshipped. Some preisthood leaders know why. I still pulled myself together by myself. I went for me. No one has really reached out to me or my family. We rarely get invited anywhere. I feel that since I confessed my sins when I moved here, people started avoiding me. I am struggling to stay active. I feel since we are not temple members and we don't live in a cool neighborhood we don't matter. I see new members move in and they are in the cool clique because they live in the right neighborhood or are temple members. The sisters don't reach out to get to know me. In my other non mormon world I feel accepted and people recognize my talents and abilities. Does anyone feel this way... How do you deal with coming back from being inactive? How do you deal with living in a wealthy area and you are not, how do you deal with not having a temple recommend and not getting any cool callings or never being asked to do anything.

It is my experience that most people feel like they do not "fit in" because they are not "fitting in". Often problems with fitting in are because of where a person has been but in general I believe it is more because of where they are going.

I believe you should be able to find "saints" among you in your ward that are not only intent on going where you are going but very willing to befriend you if they knew your dersires.

The Traveler