What makes a good face-to-face conversationalist?

[Guest mormonmusic]

I've been asking myself that question lately. What characteristics define people you consider to be good at face-to-face conversation?

I have one -- they have this way of putting you at ease at first, perhaps by their smile or body language, and I find they are often observant -- they take cues from your dress (slogans or embroidery on T-shirts for example, or lapel pins), the situation, or any other clues to your interests and backgrounds, and try to find something in common to talk about.

Edited December 4, 2009 by mormonmusic

[Guest]

My best friend is a great conversationalist.

I'm this type A person who talks non-stop until somebody chimes in. I mean, I am literally a motormouth! And I have no problem getting into a heated debate without it affecting my affection for the other party. Unfortunately, I get in trouble a lot of times... usually because I say something off-the-cuff not realizing it was insensitive to somebody else (I stay away from verbally expressing condolences for this reason). Also, I always forget that a lot of people take it personally when I disagree with their position. And, if the other person is the shy, quiet type, they don't get a chance to put a word in edgewise.

Now, my best friend - he is great. I mean, I wish I could be more like him. He is a retired marine. He is in his early 40's and has vast experiences - travelled a lot, etc. He's one of my closest friends. So, I have seen him in all kinds of situations. And every time, he adapts to the environment! One time, he would be spending some time with some drinking buddies and he would be cussing like a sailor making super funny off-color jokes, loud, and boisterous. Then another time he would be in a family setting with all our kids around and he could get into a serious conversation with his daughter on the latest Hannah Montana show or argue with the little boys on who has the best bakugan powers. Then another time we would be at an adult dinner and he will go into a respectful discussion on the current political structure without offending anybody. And then at another time, he would attend our ward activities and talk about the divinity of Jesus Christ (he claims to be Christian but doesn't go to any church). And then there are the times that I would call him on the phone when I'm depressed and he never fails to make me feel better.

When we talk, I feel so at ease with him because I don't have to watch what I say - he understands what I'm trying to say even if I say something not quite appropriate, sometimes even insensitive (English is not my first language). He would tell me, "you probably meant this." and I would say, "yeah, that's it..." and keep going with what I was saying on the same breath and he's just fine with it. And he knows exactly when to chime in to stop my non-stop chatter. And man, we can debate like howling wolves and enjoy it! And best of all, he tells me I'm being an idiot in such a way that makes me think and not feel rejected.

Now, I've seen him with shy folks. And he can carry on non-stop chatter and then somehow successfully brings them into the conversation until the conversation starts becoming 50-50.

I don't know how he does it. I think it's all personality rather than skill. Dunno.

Edited December 4, 2009 by anatess

[pam]

Being able to look the other person in the eye when speaking.

[bytor2112]

Someone who looks at my face while there talking...rather than ogling my amazing rippling pecs and incredibly sculpted shoulders.

[Bini]

I agree with, Pam. It's nice when the person you're conversing with can make eye-contact with you. There's been a few times where I've noticed the other person is uncomfortable doing that and it's a bit annoying when they're constantly looking away. But I know that in some cultures it's rude to look the other person in the eye when talked to. Like the Navajos for example.

[Vort]

Someone who looks at my face while there talking...rather than ogling my amazing rippling pecs and incredibly sculpted shoulders.

Yes, I have exactly the same problem, except for the pecs and shoulders thing.

[pam]

Someone who looks at my face while there talking...rather than ogling my amazing rippling pecs and incredibly sculpted shoulders.

Oh brother

[Vort]

I agree with, Pam. It's nice when the person you're conversing with can make eye-contact with you. There's been a few times where I've noticed the other person is uncomfortable doing that and it's a bit annoying when they're constantly looking away. But I know that in some cultures it's rude to look the other person in the eye when talked to. Like the Navajos for example.

I have found that black men from an urban environment take it badly when you make eye contact with them as they talk. They take it as some sort of threat or challenge. They will typically look downward while someone talks to them. The person being spoken to is supposed to look elsewhere. Don't know why, and I'm sure it's not universally true, but that is my observation.

[Prodigal_Son]

What characteristics define people you consider to be good at face-to-face conversation?

Floss.

[bytor2112]

I have found that black men from an urban environment take it badly when you make eye contact with them as they talk. They take it as some sort of threat or challenge. They will typically look downward while someone talks to them. The person being spoken to is supposed to look elsewhere. Don't know why, and I'm sure it's not universally true, but that is my observation.

Good observation. I think it's because they were taught via the back hand that it was a sign of disrespect and a challenge of parental authority.

[Vort]

Good observation. I think it's because they were taught via the back hand that it was a sign of disrespect and a challenge of parental authority.

Funny thing is, when I discipline my young children (and my older ones), I always expect them to look me in the eye when I'm talking.

[Moksha]

Good listening skills add a lot to a conversation.

[bluedreams]

Get the person you're trying to have a conversation with talking. Ask some questions, que in on points that seem most interesting, ask more questions and throw in some commentary that gives you connection to the person. Listen to their answers. Repeat.

For body language, focus on them, but don't make too much eye contact or excessively long stares....that's creepy. Smile with your eyes (ie. genuine smiles).

Do not talk constantly about yourself and give leeway for others to get a word in if you are the more talkative of the two.

Dress well, look presentable, have confidence enough to initiate dialogue.

When conversing with people who might have a very different cultural norm, observe what others do and follow suit. When in rome is definitely a must.

With luv,

BD