Need help and advice, please

[Guest Scared_husband]

I am a U.S soldier, currently deployed in Iraq. I have been here since April of 2009 and I have been married for 2 years. Recently my wife and soulmate, my best friend, has come out of the blue and told me that she is joining the LDS church. I fully support her decision to find faith at this point in her life, she is 39, I am 38. I decided to look into the faith and I ran across many types of things as you can imagine. She never talked this over with me and it all seems so sudden. I am very concerned, and i dont mean to offend anyone here, but the religion seems to me to be quite heavy handed, strict, and controlling. I mean no offense, these are just my thoughts from what i have read. I need to know what i can expect as I intend to be with her and I hope she finds what she is looking for. Any information you can provide as to what I can expect in a member to non-member marriage would be greatly appreciated. My concern is that there will be a wedge driven between us that we may never recover from. I dont know how deeply involved she plans to be and I am extremely worried, Im sure some of my worry has to do with my deployment. Being here in Iraq, its like being in a glass box wacthing life go by without me. I can look out and see things but I cant interact. Its frustrating and I am very scared.

Thank you in advance for any help and understanding, and I'm sorry if I ramble, I have not slept well or been able to focus on my missions since this decision was made.

[ryanh]

Be assured, that following the teachings of Jesus Christ as taught in this church help a person a better spouse. More loving, more understanding, more forgiving, and even more committed.

Controlling would not be an accurate descriptor. Fundamental to the teachings are that every person is allowed to choose freely for themselves. They are taught what is right, but never coerced or controlled.

Having found a pearl of great worth (refer to your New Testament for the parable on the pearl of great price), she will very likely want to share with you what she has learned. But beyond that, what she may hope or expect of you likely has far more to do with her personality than anything connected with the church.

[ryanh]

P.S. Thank you for serving our great country!

[Vanhin]

Hey Scared,

First off, I want to thank you for your service to our country (U.S.). There are so many sacrifices that our service men and women and their spouses have to make, and your sacrifice means so much to me. My father served two tours in Vietnam, and the appreciation for the sacrifice of Vietnam veterans was simply non-existent in his day. They suffered twice - abroad and at home. I have two brothers currently service active military. And so I offer you the sincerest thank you that I can possibly offer through this online forum.

Secondly, I can totally understand your worry, and honestly, I would be worried too if I was in your shoes. It's totally understandable.

That said, there are many things said out there about our church that are quite misleading. It is my opinion, as a life long member, that the principles of our Church offers freedom in the most truest sense, and is not heavy handed at all. Your family will be blessed tremendously for her acceptance of the gospel unless you (either of you) allow this decision of hers to become a wedge in your relationship. I have seen it both ways: I have seen a new convert in their zeal, pressure and push their spouse to convert, and I have seen the non-member spouse harass and oppose any activity that the member spouse wants to engage in at church. If she will respect your choices in life, and you hers, and you find ways to accommodate each others belief systems, there will be no wedge. Let her explain what she finds appealing in the religion, let her show you, because she will want to do that. That will help.

I encourage you to learn as much as you can about the Church through reliable sources. Contact other Church members in the military serving with you, and ask them questions. Ask us questions, and check out Mormon.org - Home and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I am curious. What do you find "heavy handed" about out religion?

Welcome to lds.net!

Regards,

Vanhin

[beefche]

First, thank you so much for your sacrifice for me and our country.

What can you expect from her now? Well, some obvious things. She won't be drinking alcohol or coffee or tea. She won't be smoking. She may want to pay tithing. She'll be attending church on Sunday for 3 hour blocks. She will likely be serving as a volunteer in some capacity which may take her from home once or twice through the week on various times. She will likely be praying more and reading scriptures more. She will likely want to be a better wife to you and may try to talk to you about how she can do that.

How will this affect you? Well, that is going to depend on your relationship with your wife. My mom was a member of the church and my dad never was. There were times it was difficult for them because of the church and her beliefs and sometimes he encouraged her to go to church.

One thing I want to assure you is that Mormons do believe in Jesus Christ as our personal Savior. It is only through Jesus that we can be saved. Being Mormon has helped me to try do be a better me every day of my life. And when I fail, I say I'm sorry and start again.

I have never felt controlled by the church. Everything I choose to do is a choice I make myself. I may learn something from church, scriptures, or leaders, but ultimately if I follow their direction or advice it is because I choose to do so.

I would ask that YOU pray for peace regarding this. You need to sleep and take care of yourself in the dangerous environment you are in.

[ruthiechan]

I am a Mormon, my husband is not. He lets me do my "Mormon thing", and I do not push him to do my "Mormon thing". Sometimes he'll go to a ward activity, and at night time, if I'm not able to put our daughter to bed, he'll read scriptures with her because he knows that the bed time routine is important.

The more I choose to live the Gospel the better I become at being a companion to my husband.

However, if your wife starts to push you in her enthusiasm and desire to be with you for all eternity, be calm about it. Let her know that you need time to discover whether or not being a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is for you. Love her, and be patient with her. She'll be new, and she'll not have all the answers to questions you may have.

To best understand where she may possibly be coming from is to do some researching on eternal families.

You can read about eternal families in our new lesson book, Gospel Principles, which the title describes well as it contains the basics of what we believe.

The Family Can Be Eternal

Eternal Marriage

The entire book with links to corresponding scriptures can be found here: Gospel Principles

I do not know how often you have internet privileges during your deployment. If you so desire I will send you a copy of the Gospel Principles lesson book. I will also send you a complete set of scriptures so you that you can look up the unquoted scriptures in the lessons. That way you can do your reading and research anytime during downtime. You can email me your information at [email protected], if you desire this. There is no time limit for this offer. :)

. . . unless I get hit by a truck or something.

Thank you for your service. You are much appreciated.

[somuchtogive]

First, a big thank you for serving our country.

Second, it sounds like your wife has a great husband.

Third, it sounds like you have a great wife.

You say that your wife is your soul mate, best friend, etc. Lucky you. Lucky her. Knowing such, I think it fair to say that you can trust her and would do well to still trust her.

Look, there are many members of the LDS church worldwide. It might surprise you who are members: Stephenie Meyer (author of the Twilight series), Steve Young (famous football player), Harry Reid, Gladys Knight, etc. Click here to see a youtube video of some:

My sister-in-law is a convert to the church who happened to be an only child in a prestigious and very devout Catholic family. Her parents, like you, were very concerned. That was 15 years ago. To their credit, they didn't disown her. They have since expressed gratitude and respect for her membership in the church. The church simply makes bad people good and good people even better. My sister-in-law has always been good. She expresses how it makes her even better.

For me, I am grateful for my membership in this church. You will still see people who struggle, people with difficulties, and even some members who don't live by the teachings of the gospel....but you will also see the happiest families on earth. I am very grateful for my mother who joined the church so that I could be raised in it.

I would advise you ask around your unit to see if they hold an LDS church meeting and attend. Ask those in your unit, or nearby units, that are LDS about their beliefs. See what it is about the church that caused your wife to join. You will probably find that there is nothing to worry about...and if anything, you will find an added peace and direction in your life by finding out for yourself what your wife has found.

Like alot of things, there are some things in the media and on-line about the church that are not true...so don't let that scare you. It is best to go to the source and look up the church website to find more and ask a practicing member in your unit about their beliefs.

Here is the church website (click on the words below to be directed there):

Mormon.org - Home

And here are some clips that are worth watching (you will need earphones):

Part 1 YouTube - True and living God part 1

Part 2 YouTube - True and Living God part 2

YouTube - MormonMessages's Channel

YouTube - mormon messages

Fear not. God is watching out for you. You will find that what your wife has done will be the most important and greatest blessing of your lives together.

I hope this helps! Focus on the work you have to do. Have peace of mind. Pray.

[somuchtogive]

Oh...by the way...you may be confused by all the stuff that was in the media about the polygamous FLDS group in Texas a year ago or so. That's not our church ... so breathe easy.

The official name of our church is: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We are also known as LDS or Mormons.

[Prodigal_Son]

What to expect:

• She'll likely be trying all sorts of new casserole recipes
• She'll be making green jello with carrot shavings
• 

[Guest Scared_husband]

Thank you all very much for your information and advice, it has been very helpful. I have enough information to figure everything out I think. I have talked to my wife and let her know that I am behind her 100% and will do whatever she needs or wants me to do to help her find the peace and happiness she is looking for. Thanks to you all

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I am a U.S soldier, currently deployed in Iraq. I have been here since April of 2009 and I have been married for 2 years. Recently my wife and soulmate, my best friend, has come out of the blue and told me that she is joining the LDS church. I fully support her decision to find faith at this point in her life, she is 39, I am 38. I decided to look into the faith and I ran across many types of things as you can imagine. She never talked this over with me and it all seems so sudden. I am very concerned, and i dont mean to offend anyone here, but the religion seems to me to be quite heavy handed, strict, and controlling. I mean no offense, these are just my thoughts from what i have read. I need to know what i can expect as I intend to be with her and I hope she finds what she is looking for. Any information you can provide as to what I can expect in a member to non-member marriage would be greatly appreciated. My concern is that there will be a wedge driven between us that we may never recover from. I dont know how deeply involved she plans to be and I am extremely worried, Im sure some of my worry has to do with my deployment. Being here in Iraq, its like being in a glass box wacthing life go by without me. I can look out and see things but I cant interact. Its frustrating and I am very scared.

Thank you in advance for any help and understanding, and I'm sorry if I ramble, I have not slept well or been able to focus on my missions since this decision was made.

As many others have - I too thank you for your service and sacrifice for our Country and Freedom.

Others have provided you good advice. There is much confusion about the LDS Faith. Much of this confusion is promoted by various groups and organizations that think they know Mormon doctrine and teaching. As convincing they may seem on the surface, they are far from adequately portraying proper LDS Culture and Doctrine.

One of the best things one could do is seeing if there are fellow service men who are LDS in your unit. See if they have services there for them. Also, if you would like, I (or anyone else) could send you a copy of the Book of Mormon for you to read.

Another thing, the LDS Culture may seem "heavy handed" to those who are outside of the culture, but the same could be said of the Military life. Those who have not experienced it may find that Military life is too Rigid. This is because one does not know, nor have the experience of such, and it is a totally new thing. Ways people communicate one with another, associate and understand the world around them, et all.

Also, I would suggest going online to LDS.org and reading the Church Magazine - Ensign.

Also, read through this Marriage and Family Relations-Participation Study Guide

I hope this helps.

[rameumptom]

Trust your wife. Let her grow in her religious experience and rejoice with her in it, and it will become a blessing for your home. The Church has some rules, but they will enhance your marriage, if you let them. And you will soon find how the Church benefits people in many ways.

[Guest Scared_husband]

I appreciate all the help, advice, and support you guys have given, maybe i should clarify some of the things that I am really worried about.

First of all I am fairly non-religious at all, I believe our body is probably just a vehicle and our conciousness, or soul if you will, will so something else after we die. Aside from that I really dont buy into anyone's idea of what that something may be.

I was married for 13 years prior to this marriage and it ended badly, I only got married the first time because she was pregnant and I wanted to do the right thing, as my father did not for me. I figured that I could stick it out and make it work until our daghter was 18 and left home for school or whatever then I would bail if I still felt the same. But being there for my daughter was my priority.

Problems quickly developed between us as my ex-wife was a severe pill addict, it developed slowly and her drug abuse was hidden behind a mysterious neurological disorder she fooled people into thinking she had, myself included, and doctors, she was very good at hiding/masking her addiction. When i realized what was going on i wanted to leave but by this point I was pretty much a zombie and i didnt have the strength to go through what was going to be a very very ugly divorce.

Then I met my current wife, while I was going though all of this. We actually met online, playing World or Warcraft. We had a mutual friend who introduced us and we hit it off immediately. This gave me the inner strength I needed to get out of my bad marriage. So I let my drug addicted wife know that it was over and I proceeded to get a divorce, during which I easily got custody of my daughter due to her mothers drug problem and I soon after married my current wife. She also has a daughter from a previous marriage, so together now we have 2 girls, 11 and 15, both going on 26 :)

As i stated in my opening post, I am in the military, I have been in for almost 6 years now and this is my first deployment, I am currently in Baghdad, Iraq as i type this. I firmly believe that my wife and I are destined to be together forever, she is my soulmate and best friend.

About a week ago I found out that she was considering joining the LDS church, she had never discussed this with me other than saying about a year ago that she wanted to take her daughter to church on occasion. When i found out exactly what church she was joining, I started doing a little googling. I didnt like what I saw one bit, and I realize there is alot of biased information out there and though i freaked out at first, I have since calmed quite a bit. I fully support her decision to find faith in her life. She told me that she finally had the family and security she had always wanted, and her finding faith was the last piece of the puzzle.

My worries are how much she is going to change, what demands are going to be made on her, how our relationship will cause problems for her as I am not a member, and she will shortly be having her baptism. i have requested to be there for this as I come home in April and would like to be there to support her in such an important event for her, but i understand if it is impractical for her to wait 3 more months.

One of the reasons I am so fearful of the changes is that I myself will not be changing much and I fear we may grow apart over this. For example, I am a guitar player, i have been for 22 years, i play mostly very aggressive heavy music, very loudly. I drink, not too much, usually one weekend night, be it friday or saturday night, I dont go out to bars as i am not a very social person I just have some shots and do whatever, play guitar, play games, that kind of thing. I watch whatever movie happens to interest me, and now I understand that she will be discouraged from watching R-rated movies, for example, we used to watch the resident evil movies, 28 days later, etc. We dont go out of our way to watch violent movies but now i feel like part of what we did together will be going away.

The hurtful part about that as her husband is that her decision was never discussed with me, and my feelings on it are for the most part regarded as irrelevant. Her attitude is pretty much that i will either get over it or I wont *shrug*. i understand she needed to do this for herself personally but I feel I was due a discussion, out of respect. And the fact that her own husbands thoughts and feelings were meaningless yet she can be told what to eat, watch, etc. by what amounts to strangers makes me feel extremely alienated and irrelevant.

I am willing to support her in any way I can and I want this marriage to work but in all honesty I am not optomistic at all. I see a wedge being driven that we may never recover from. granted I am deployed and i cant interact with her I feel totally helpless at this time. I really cant describe the feeling accurately but its horrible.

What I need to know is what changes should I expect to see in her? What demands will be made of her time? Should she decide that this is definately for her, and she progresses, How will the demands on her increase? Will my being a non-member hurt her in any way? Will demands be made of her time that will clash with things we may have planned? For example, her and I may have a "date night" planned, will there be times when she will be pressured to cancel things with me in favor of church related things?

I know this is a long rambling post but honestly, Im on 24 hour guard shift right now and i really dont have anything else to do but guard a room full of guns behind where I am sitting lol

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I appreciate all the help, advice, and support you guys have given, maybe i should clarify some of the things that I am really worried about.

First of all I am fairly non-religious at all, I believe our body is probably just a vehicle and our conciousness, or soul if you will, will so something else after we die. Aside from that I really dont buy into anyone's idea of what that something may be.

Respect your opinion and position here.

I was married for 13 years prior to this marriage and it ended badly, I only got married the first time because she was pregnant and I wanted to do the right thing, as my father did not for me. I figured that I could stick it out and make it work until our daghter was 18 and left home for school or whatever then I would bail if I still felt the same. But being there for my daughter was my priority.

Problems quickly developed between us as my ex-wife was a severe pill addict, it developed slowly and her drug abuse was hidden behind a mysterious neurological disorder she fooled people into thinking she had, myself included, and doctors, she was very good at hiding/masking her addiction. When i realized what was going on i wanted to leave but by this point I was pretty much a zombie and i didnt have the strength to go through what was going to be a very very ugly divorce.

Then I met my current wife, while I was going though all of this. We actually met online, playing World or Warcraft. We had a mutual friend who introduced us and we hit it off immediately. This gave me the inner strength I needed to get out of my bad marriage. So I let my drug addicted wife know that it was over and I proceeded to get a divorce, during which I easily got custody of my daughter due to her mothers drug problem and I soon after married my current wife. She also has a daughter from a previous marriage, so together now we have 2 girls, 11 and 15, both going on 26 :)

As i stated in my opening post, I am in the military, I have been in for almost 6 years now and this is my first deployment, I am currently in Baghdad, Iraq as i type this. I firmly believe that my wife and I are destined to be together forever, she is my soulmate and best friend.

I would like to point out the last sentence you stated and think about it very carefully: I believe that my wife and I are destined to be together forever.... Now, ask yourself this: If you believe that this life is all there is, how can you also believe that your wife and you are destined to be together forever? This is not to quibble and pick an argument, but to show that there is much more deeper desires within your own heart to believe the plausibility that an honest and true marriage does not end, but continues indefinitely.

I would like to stress my previous post in which I suggested links to LDS.org where you can find articles, information on the Church, and read some positive and inspirational topics. The Ensign is a Church publication, so also is the Liahona.

My worries are how much she is going to change, what demands are going to be made on her, how our relationship will cause problems for her as I am not a member, and she will shortly be having her baptism. i have requested to be there for this as I come home in April and would like to be there to support her in such an important event for her, but i understand if it is impractical for her to wait 3 more months.

The changes that you will see in your wife are going to be some of the most positive changes. In that, there is going to be new found attraction. How she relates to her children, as well as you. The main emphasis is on Families. The important part of the Family Relationship, the responsibility parents have in the lives of raising their children correctly and appropriately. Other changes is that she is going to be surrounded by women who are more than willing to help her out. She will have visiting teachers that will come to her once a month, share a message, find out what she stands in need of. She will have hometeachers from the Elders Quorum come over and give her a monthly message (both messages are from the Ensign) and find out if there are any needs. The young ladies will become part of the young women program where they learn the values of chastity, providential living, and living a life of goodness.

The other significant change she will want to share with you is Family home Evening. This is time families are to set aside where they do activities, give lessons, perform service projects, or visit those who are ill, hospitalized, et all. The demands on her time are not going to be where she is not going to have any time to share with you, but will be where she is going to want to share with you the blessings that are happening in her life.

The other change is her desire for you to consider taking the missionary discussions. Why? Because the other aspect that the Church teaches is the Priesthood authority within the home. As a worthy Priesthood holder, a father gives his children blessings when they need, blessings of comfort and healing for his wife.

One of the reasons I am so fearful of the changes is that I myself will not be changing much and I fear we may grow apart over this. For example, I am a guitar player, i have been for 22 years, i play mostly very aggressive heavy music, very loudly. I drink, not too much, usually one weekend night, be it friday or saturday night, I dont go out to bars as i am not a very social person I just have some shots and do whatever, play guitar, play games, that kind of thing. I watch whatever movie happens to interest me, and now I understand that she will be discouraged from watching R-rated movies, for example, we used to watch the resident evil movies, 28 days later, etc. We dont go out of our way to watch violent movies but now i feel like part of what we did together will be going away.

You may be surprised at how much you are going to change because of the changes your wife is going to have in her life. The things she will discuss with you, the things she will be sharing with you, the happiness and blessings she is experiencing in her life, in your home, and in the lives of your children.

It is only if we allow the changes of the other person to come between us that becomes the problem, not the changes themselves.

For me, I was dead set against the LDS Faith. I had left it when I was in my mid twenty's. I vowed that I would never come back. I met a young lady who is a member of the Church, we lived together before we got married. She started talking about wanting to go back to church. I expressed my support for her. Next thing I know, my support for her ended up bringing me back to the Church, having a new found testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the reality of forgiveness and the power of the Atonement. I smoked, we drank, and were not living according to the commandments. Our Bishop challenged us to get married, and we did. We just celebrated our first year together this past weekend. We also were blessed with a wonderful little girl. I have three children of my own and I was dead set against not having another child. My reasoning- I do not know where my two youngest are and my oldest, I am having a hard time negotiating time to see him and be around him. Why would I bring in another child into my life when I have three that I can't be a Father too. Yet, this was a blessing that came from above (wife was on IUD when she got pregnant).

The downside to this is that I am not going to be able to give my daughter a name and a blessing. It is very disappointing for me because I was looking forward to this wonderful experience. Does that stop me from going? No, it is an experience that I will still be a part of, but not directly.

Have my wife and I changed because of our return? You bet, we are more respectful toward one another, we are more aware of what we are allowing in our home, and we are discussing how we are going to raise our daughter. Did I change with my wife? Reluctantly at first, but now am glad that I have, and still am.

The hurtful part about that as her husband is that her decision was never discussed with me, and my feelings on it are for the most part regarded as irrelevant. Her attitude is pretty much that i will either get over it or I wont *shrug*. i understand she needed to do this for herself personally but I feel I was due a discussion, out of respect. And the fact that her own husbands thoughts and feelings were meaningless yet she can be told what to eat, watch, etc. by what amounts to strangers makes me feel extremely alienated and irrelevant.

Have you tried putting yourself in her shoes? Think about this from her perspective (in interpersonal relationship studies this is called Dual Perspective). How would you feel if you suddenly found something that is a "sense of completion" and you know that your spouse may not believe in it, or accept it? How would you feel? What would you do? Granted, and you are correct, you guys are in a marriage and there ought to be open communication and respect, but we are human beings, we are frail and we are not always perfect in all things. She very well could have not discussed with you out of fear of how you would react, and yet, in her own way did discuss this with you in a limited way.

I am willing to support her in any way I can and I want this marriage to work but in all honesty I am not optomistic at all. I see a wedge being driven that we may never recover from. granted I am deployed and i cant interact with her I feel totally helpless at this time. I really cant describe the feeling accurately but its horrible.

This reminds of a passage of scripture. A man comes to Jesus Christ. He knows this man has gone around healing people and comes to him in time of need. He states is request, and then, after being told to have faith, he asks "Lord help me in my disbelief"

21 And he asked his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Of a child.

22 And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.

23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

My honest and objective opinion is not worry about how it is going to "split up your marriage" but look at it as how it is going to help draw you and your wife closer together, how it is going to draw you and your children closer together.

What I need to know is what changes should I expect to see in her? What demands will be made of her time? Should she decide that this is definately for her, and she progresses, How will the demands on her increase? Will my being a non-member hurt her in any way? Will demands be made of her time that will clash with things we may have planned? For example, her and I may have a "date night" planned, will there be times when she will be pressured to cancel things with me in favor of church related things?

I know this is a long rambling post but honestly, Im on 24 hour guard shift right now and i really dont have anything else to do but guard a room full of guns behind where I am sitting lol

Honestly, there probably is not going to be alot of demands. Some of the typical demands are going to be Church (3 Hour block) that consists of Sacrament meeting, then most likely Gospel Doctrine class for new members and investigators, and then Relief Society. Your daughters will be part of the young women's program.

Monday nights are Family Home evening. Then whatever ward activities are (typically Wednesday or Thursday nights). Relief society has an enrichment night once a month. Outside of this, there really is not going to be too much demand on her time.

Again, my best, and final advice, is to find Mormon Service men in your unit or where you are stationed at, find out where there are meetings and attend these meetings. That is one way you could support your wife. This will give you an idea of the Church service that she attends.

[Guest Scared_husband]

Thanks alot for your reply, its nice that someone actually takes time to explain things so thouroughly. Im guessing at this point, due to my situation, I have little choice but to learn what I can, support her, and be there for her. Im quite sure i wont be able to dispel all of my fears and or worries until I can actually have "eyes on" the situation. I have been looking into finding Mormons here on post but I havent had any luck so far. I will continue to look. I think by nature I am a somewhat fearful/anxious person, something Im struggling to work through, with her help. But again I think you for the time you took out to explain some things.

[Prodigal_Son]

...Im guessing at this point, due to my situation, I have little choice but to learn what I can... I have been looking into finding Mormons here on post but I havent had any luck so far...

By all means, ask whatever questions you have, and you'll get a good feel for the spectrum of "Mormonism" by the responses you receive here on lds.net.

I suspect you'll find that we're not so bizarre as the world has made us out to look like - that, in fact, we're just normal folks trying to be the very best we can be.

We believe in Jesus Christ as our Savior and Redeemer, we do NOT have plural wives , Joseph Smith - the founder of the Mormon faith - is not a deity (he was just an amazing man), Family is of utmost importance to us, and we're not fans of the decaying morals of society.

Some of us are Conservatives, some are Liberals, and some are in between. Some of us refuse to drink caffeine, while others can't live without it (albeit they get it through their Mountain Dew and Coke, as opposed to coffee and tea).

We're just plain old, regular, everyday people striving to obey the teachings of Christ to the best of our ability, and believe that obedience to God should be the motivating factor in all we do. It is our moral compass and motivation for being good husbands and wives, sons and daughters, good citizens and patriots (wherever in the world we hail from), good leaders and followers.

So ask away. We won't be offended, and we'll give you the best answers we can!

[Guest Scared_husband]

Thanks again. i have made some progress, I did some research here on post and found and LDS service going on weekly, I will be attending that this sunday at 1730 my time and I will be doing plenty of talking to people. Im especially interested in talking to whomever will be holding/leading this service. Im not going to tell my wife that I am doing so, she will only doubt me and in her cynical way she will think that I am having a knee-jerk reaction. We will be heading home in 78 days, until that time I have little to do during the day after I get my soldiers moving on what i need done for the day. So barring my being on missions (I do convoy security and Hazardous materials incident response) You will no doubt see me here often. Thank you again!

[beefche]

Husband, I think it's great you are attending church services this Sunday. And a great idea to seek out the men who will be leading them. They will be even better sources for you to ask questions and get answers. We are always here to help as well.

I agree with whomever said it, instead of looking at this situation as a wedge, look at it as an opportunity to be even closer with your wife and family. Of course you two will have problems to resolve and some of them might even be church related at some point. But, that is the nature of all marriages whether members of the church or not. Knowing how strongly the LDS church values families, you are now the lucky recipient of a ton of marriage and family relations advice and tools.

[SGT_C]

Hi to all who helped me, i used to be Scared_Husband but im not really that scared any more so i made a new acct. I will be aorund gathering info and picking brains for osme time, thanks to all who have helped, i really mean it

[rameumptom]

Sgt-C,

Glad to have you around. I was in the USAF for 20 years, and so appreciate your service in such a difficult war.

You will find that the LDS Church is a decent Christian Church. Except for a few small adjustments, I don't think it will really affect your family or your lifestyle much. You may find great benefits to her being a member.

It is a lay church (no paid ministry), so she might be asked to teach a class or something down the road. but there will also be members asked to visit and help your family out. I can't tell you how many people I've helped move over the years - or the times they've helped me move.

We have a sister in our congregation/ward who has had a very difficult pregnancy (due in May). She was on complete bedrest with an IV for months already. Daily, her 3 year old son was delivered by her husband to other members to watch throughout the day - no charge. Other members visited with the sister during the day to make sure she was alright or needed anything. So many meals were brought to the home that the husband asked for them to be suspended a week, until the emptied their freezer.

Such is how our church works. While you will not be a member, we'll include you in anything you'd like to be involved with: activities, etc. Many of our wards have weekly basketball or baseball pickup games, or other fun activities.

We're also big on service. After Hurricane Katrina hit, Salt Lake City organized weekly teams of volunteers to go down and help in various areas. Even here in Indiana, we were given a weekend to go help just outside of New Orleans. In the Indianapolis area, we had over 100 volunteers go for the weekend. Thousands of Mormons converged on the Gulf Coast every weekend for months. We had several non-members join us on these trips, sharing in the wonderful experience to serve. And Katrina is just a bigger service project, while local flooding or other tragedies bring us out, as well.

You know your wife. She chose YOU after all! The LDS Church is America's 4th largest church. It isn't a cult, nor is it a bad thing. We seek to do good in the world, exactly what you are doing right now in serving America overseas.

[Super_Kitten]

Hello Sgt.

Thank you for your sacrifice and service. You put your life on the line everyday for us here at home and you have my sincere gratitude

Don't worry too much about having to change plans the two of you may already have. Most things that she may have to do she will be partly in control of when they are planned. If not, she isn't required to go to the activities, just the meetings on Sundays. She may be called to volunteer, teaching a class or chasing the nursery kids around but those aren't too time intensive and mostly during the meetings on Sunday's anyway. She may have some materials to prepare but I am sure she knows how to manage her time.

Just remember that she loves you and when you have concerns talk to her.

-SK

P.S. When you come home speak with some missionaries. They are pools of information, happiness and love.

[hordak]

Personally i would ask her not to join until you have gotten back and had a chance to discuss it.

It is a big decision and have found the less life changing events a spouse goes through without the other the better.

Being your first deployment she might be "caught up" in the community aspect instead of the spiritual. This is the type of decision that should be made in "real life".

Military life is hard enough just missing out on the day to day when deployed, this is huge. Plus when you get back you will have to "grow back" together and while things there have changed, you will probably expect it to be the same. When deployed many view the world has "paused" only to return home and realize it has not, and you must "rediscover" your place. This will be much harder on your relationship if her place has "changed."

I'm not saying she shouldn't go and learn, but that she should waits to join. The church will still be their when you get back.

Just my 2 cents as a vet, and military spouse.

[Vanhin]

Hi to all who helped me, i used to be Scared_Husband but im not really that scared any more so i made a new acct. I will be aorund gathering info and picking brains for osme time, thanks to all who have helped, i really mean it

I was wondering why I couldn't use the "Thanks" button on your other posts any more...

I commend you for caring enough to look into this, to the extent of even participating in worship services and asking questions. Believe me there are plenty of nutty religions out there. Latter-day saints are clearly a peculiar people with peculiar beliefs and practices, but all in all, we are known for good virtues, and family values, generally speaking that is. A little known secret, outside of Mormonism, is the enormous value we place on personal agency. We even teach that God honors our agency and allows people to freely choose to follow him or not.

We have a lay ministry, and as such, regular members of local congregations are called to fill positions of leadership, and to teach Sunday school. So, yes, your wife (and by extension you) will be encouraged to make changes in your life for the better, and yes, much is required of members of this Church. These are good things that I think you will appreciate, and they will help your wife stretch and grow.

Did you know, that from an early age, latter-day saint children start gaining experience in public speaking? In our primary (children's organization), they are given opportunities to teach the other children through short "talks", and eventually will even have a chance in their teenage years to give a talk in our sacrament meetings (our main church service). Because of that experience, I am more at ease when I have to stand up in front of others in my career, for example, and speak publicly. The Church has been a source of little practical benefits like that, that I am so grateful for.

You might even notice in the services that you attend, that regular soldiers, with no theology degree, are surprisingly capable of sharing their thoughts and beliefs, even with strangers.

Anyway, just trying to think of a few things that might help you know about us more.

Regards,

Vanhin

[JudoMinja]

I can understand why you would be scared. Change is scary. Especially if you have little to no say in the matter. However, we should not back away from change out of fear. While I agree with much of the advice already given, I want to attempt to give some from a neutral unbiased position (kind of difficult considering I AM LDS but there are some things I think taking a neutral perspective on will help you with).

Whenever we are presented with a change, we should examine it thoroughly to determine whether or not it is a change for the better. Study it out. Look at it from every possible angle. It sounds like you are already doing much of this- doing online research, talking to your wife, coming to this forum, finding an LDS service where you are so you may attend. Take in all the inforamation you can, and then examine it. Make a decision for yourself whether or not you want your wife to be involved in this, your children, and you.

While I feel fairly certain you will find this to be a good change, you should talk with your wife about how she made this decision without your input and how that hurt you. She is an individual and can make decisions for her own life, yes. But this is a decision that will affect your entire family. As the husband and father, you are the authority figure in the home. She should respect that and should have consulted with you. Her lack of doing so is not a fault of the LDS church and is probably, as someone said before me, because she was afraid of how you would react. However, I don't know her- you do. It is also possible that this is just a trait of her personality. Try asking her how she would feel if you made such a big decision that would affect the entire family without consulting her? Make sure she understands that you are asking simply as a tool for her to see how this lack of communication was hurtful to you, and not as a way to attack her. If you do not speak up, she will never know how you feel, and you could alienate yourself simply because you want to go with the flow.

Yes, there will be things she will be expected to give up and she may ask you to give them up as well, like the drinking and the R-rated movies. However, she should respect your independence to make this decision on your own. If you do not want to give them up for yourself, she should not try to make you. And, she may not even want to give them up herself. Not every member of the church fully abides by all the standards. I know I watch the occassional R-rated movie myself. No one should try to control your decisions or force you to make a choice one way or the other.

Some members are overzealous and that can be pretty scary too, but always come back to the principles of the gospel. The basic teachings and foundation of the LDS church are taught by the missionaries and will really clear things up for you. These are found very simply in the Book of Mormon, the Word of Wisdom (found in D&C 89), and the Articles of Faith. If you study and understand these, you should know what to expect.

Finally, time taken away from your family really depends on how your wife decides to approach this change. As others have said, the LDS church heavily stresses strengthening families, and if she is learning from this she will attempt to bring in things that will give you MORE time together. And not just time, but enriching time, where you will be doing things together that will help you learn and grow and draw closer together. There are many meetings and other obligations in the church that may seem overwhelming, but if it feels like it is starting to pull you apart, talk to her about it. She should be giving her every effort to making her family stronger.

[xoomer]

Thanks for Serving, Hopefully I will have the chance to serve again, and get to the sand pit, 7 years in and no deployment,

I can't give any advice on a partner joining the church.

Hijack.. WHAT is with the green jello? end hijack