Domestic Violence

[JudoMinja]

Since I have started posting on this forum, I have realized that there are many women on here that have been through and/or are currently going through abusive relationships. I thought it might be useful for people with knowledge on this troubling experience to share their thoughts and advice.

Most importantly, this thread should 1. be a help to those trying to determine whether or not their own relationship is leading toward domestic violence, 2. identify warning signs so such relationships can be avoided, and 3. aid those in recovery through the healing process.

There is support in numbers, and when our eyes are opened we may be able to keep each other safe.

The prophets have voiced their concern on this matter, and domestic violence is one of the few cases in which a temple divorce may be offered. Sadly, this phenomenon has become far too common, even amongst members of the church. Even when the church was starting, members were given counsel on this in D&C as several men were exercising unrighteous dominion in their homes (wish I could remember the exact reference).

One of the most damaging results of such a relationship is the broken spirit of the abused. Anyone having been duped by this false love can testify of the tainted heart, mind, and soul that follows. A world once full of hopeful possibilities is now full of depressing and frightening dead ends. Here is a little something you may relate to:

Her story was exactly the same as so many others. A sweet innocent girl, thirsting for love and affection, gave her heart to a man. She was taken in by his lies, the chivalrous shell that hid a rotten core. Her trust, her love, her hope and dreams all became wrapped up in him. She was strong, wild, and independent, filled with brightness and optimism. Then he broke her. Like an untamed filly he whipped her into submission, until she lost her fury.

She became as a caged tigress. Her unruly spirit trapped in fear, doubt, anxiety, and pain. Ensorcelled and trapped by his promises of love and affection, of care and protection. She refused her opportunities to escape. She could see her freedom, wide open and waiting beyond the bars of her prison, but she would not take the necessary leap to freedom, for to do so would bring his anger upon her. Lulled into a false state of comfort, a dependence on her captor, and a fear of the world beyond the security of the known, she could not escape, for she had not the desire.

Then, a pup was born to her in the midst of her captivity. A motherly instinct she never knew she had gave her the will to press on, to survive, to fight back and defend the small life that was truly dependent on her care, incapable of fending for itself. Fighting only brought on more suffering, and her fire was suffused once again until she meekly bore her trials, doing everything in her power to keep her youngling from harm.

When the life of her helpless babe came nearer and nearer to harm, she saw her captor for what he was. No more could she bare the back of his hand. No more could she tolerate the roar of his might. And so she took the only option allotted her- when the opportunity presented itself, she fled.

Now, she seeks to fend for herself and her offspring in a cruel and unforgiving world. She presses forward, when circumstance stands against her. She provides for her child, and though she is bodily free, her spirit no longer soars the heavens it once knew. She does not spread her wings to seek another- she does not open her heart to the skies. The damage has been done.

Broken memories, invisible wounds, compounded fears, and twisted thoughts all barricade the way. She does not have it in herself to offer up her soul again. She will not trust another with her love, for she feels that there are none to be trusted. If the man to whom she gave her all could break her heart, how could she ever believe in the sincerity of another mans promise?

The details of her tale matter not, excepting that the details make the tale her own. The core is that of a tried and true condition. Innocence is broken when entrusted to one who seeks to exercise control over his spouse. It is a timeless story that, though we learn from it, always finds itself repeated. Dog, horse, beast, and woman- all creatures that find themselves in camaraderie to man share this experience. Men who abuse their partnership, ruin the spirits of their companions.

How are we to learn from this tale? Will we ever break the cycle of repetition? Will the submissive ever be free from dominion? Will the strong ever respect their position of power? It seems there will always be those who will be subjected to such experience, as there will always be those who place their trust too easily and those who feel it necessary to rule ruthlessly. There are two behaviors that must change. However, there is only one that is hurt, damaged, and over-run by the relationship. An unequal trade.

Wars are fought of all sizes. On the battlefields of Rome, in the conquest of the West, between man and the very earth that gives him life, and within our homes. The dominant demand the obedience of the submissive, and it is the submissive who suffer. Are the strong, the rulers, the makers of the world truly the better? Or are those destroyed by his overbearing pride those who found the true wisdom? Where is the equality? Where is the balance? Such was not meant to be a relationship of master and servant, but of two equal parties. How are we to learn from the lesser, if the lesser is destroyed? How is the lesser to thrive, if the greater does not provide the opportunity?

Avoiding connection seems the only way to prevent damage, but aversion also removes the opportunity for experience. So where does the damaged heart go? How does a wounded bird heal? What does it take to mend a broken spirit? Who can a battered woman trust?

I would like to see what others have to say on the three points above before I add my own two cents, and so here it is. What words of wisdom can you offer for those going through this heart-breaking, home-shattering struggle?

[NeuroTypical]

I can offer this: I married someone who once upon a time got herself out of an abusive relationship, and I'm very glad I did. She once saw herself as lying at the bottom of a hole - afraid to try climbing out because of how hard it hurts when she'd fall back in it. Now she laughs and takes our giggly little girls to Girl Scouts and has lots of healthy friends, and helps other people like she was get out of their lives.

It's very hard work - probably much harder for her than it is for me - to make her life happy and fulfilling. But she's doing it. It is most certainly possible.

LM

[Gwen]

some sites with info on trying to figure out what your situation might be

Warning Signs Of Emotional Abuse | BYU Women's Services

Effects of Verbal Abuse on the Abused | BYU Women's Services

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Why Do We Stay?

[Loving_Wife]

Having been raised by an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive father I can only comment from the child's view.

Going through what I went through as a child tainted my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Children who know no other life tend to take their experiences and use those to make associations with others in their life and with their Heavenly Father.

For many years I had trust issues with the Heavenly Father. If my earth father thought I was worthless, if my earth father hurt me why wouldn't my Heavenly Father do the same. That distrust spilled over into spiritual leadership as well. These leaders thought my earthly father was wonderful and such a "good" man. If these leaders felt that way then Heavenly Father must be the same. Keep in mind this is from a child's view. By child I mean less than 10 years of age.

Unless you have personally been abused you cannot understand the fear and helplessness that the abused feel. Although society is getting better at helping those who are abused out of these situations it is still not enough. Children who report the abuse and are not removed from the home are more likely to have the abuse increase. The abuser is very good at retaliating at the "tattler" and breaking their spirit down even more. My dad, after I told, made me watch while he beat my younger siblings. I never again told anyone what happened at home. I tried to reach out to get help and no one listened. I felt responsible for my sibling’s abuse at that point. Now as an adult I realize that my Dad was an expert at abusing and terrorizing us but as a young child it was about surviving. I learned how to hide all of my siblings when my Dad went into a rage. I even held "drills" with them and managed at the age of eight to keep my 2-year-old brother quite. Our lives depended on it. I learned how to survive.

Leaving an abusive home is not easy. I watched my Mom for years try to leave my Dad. We lived in battered women shelters on and off through my childhood. He had beaten down her spirit for so many years that it took my Dad tying her up, putting her in the trunk of his car with the intent to kill her before she was finally able to leave. Thankfully my Mom was able to escape but had she not I would not have a Mother today.

That distrust is even more profound if they have sought help and have been rebuffed or not believed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one, unless you've been there, can understand the fear and distrust the abused has of everyone.

I am always very careful how I word things when talking to someone who has been abused. Those that mean to help can easily have the abused feeling defensive. Remember that it's a way of life for them at this point. It takes the abused talking it out and constant gentle support from those trying to help. I know I had to "defend" my Dad's actions rapeatedly, and even point the finger at me and what I had done as an excuse for the abuse and have those around me say it's wrong. It had to be said repeatedly, over and over again before I was able to believe it.

Doing the three steps below is so important but doing it gentle with love and compassion at the forefront with every conversation is so important and I cannot stress it enough. If love and compassion are not at the front the abused will not trust and work their way through the leaving process, and yes it is a process!

1. be a help to those trying to determine whether or not their own relationship is leading toward domestic violence,

2. Identify warning signs so such relationships can be avoided, and

3. Aid those in recovery through the healing process.

[JudoMinja]

My husband would use abusive tactics of every shape and size- emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, and physical. He isolated me from friends and family, leaving me completely helpless and dependant on him. When I didn't behave in the manner he wanted me to while we were in public, he would threaten to leave me to fend for myself and many times would go so far as walking away. This terrified me, because I had nothing without him. I was pregnant and had no money, no vehicle, no phone, nothing. I did not even have a key to our apartment and could only get in or out if he was there.

I stayed because I was not capable of going anywhere else and did not have anywhere else to go anyway. When things got bad enough that I contemplated leaving, he would do everything he could to make me stay. He started with guilt. He loved me, and if I left I didn't love him. He needed me to take care of him, and if I left he'd be helpless (he had a back injury and couldn't get a job or even do most basic house work). Then came the fear. If I left, someone would find me and rape me. I needed him to protect me, because I was too dense to realize how dangerous the city was. Finally, the force. He'd restrain me, cage me in, and beat me.

My only purpose in life, when I was with him, was to cater to his every need. If I didn't, I'd meet his wrath. I was a broken woman.

Before him, I was so enthusiastic, trusting, open, friendly, optimistic. I am still amazed at how quickly and easily I fell down the path that changed me. I became so paranoid that I was constantly walking on egg-shells, waiting for the next blow up. I became so depressed that I didn't care if I lived or died. The only reason I'm even alive today is because of my son. If it hadn't been for him, I either would have committed suicide or my husband would have killed me.

It took him beating me while I held my four-month-old baby, causing me to almost drop him, for me to realize what a horrible situation I was in. I had to leave in order to protect my son from harm. Though I didn't care about my own life, I knew that baby needed me and I needed to get away.

The planning was difficult. I had to keep up the facade that everything was okay. Everything I did to prepare, I had to do while he was asleep, because there was no other option. I had to open a new email account he knew nothing about, because he knew my password and checked all my emails both incoming and outgoing. I couldn't talk on the phone with anyone without him right beside me wanting to know everything that was said. I couldn't go anywhere without his approval, and he kept close track of the time I was gone- if I was ever gone longer than expected he'd question what I was doing. I managed to arrange to leave while he was at a meeting with his probation officer. I went to stay with some college friends for a night while waiting for my ride home to arrive. My best friend picked me up from half-way across the United States and took me to my parents house.

Once he realized I was gone, he tried everything to get me back, but all he could do was email me, as I'd left him a note in email explaining my disappearance. He didn't know where I'd gone, and he had no other way to contact me. His emails were full of threats. He said he was going to accuse me of kidnapping. He even filed a missing persons report, and I had to explain why I'd left when the cops called. They said they'd tell him I was safe and that'd be it. Now, it seems that he's given up, and I'm glad because my divorce is almost ready to be finalized.

Going through this experience really opened my eyes. I've been going to counseling, and I checked out every book I could find from the library on domestic violence so I could learn more. Other members of the church in my ward and institute class have told me their own experiences of abuse. I've seen others on here telling tales of abuse. I wasn't planning on bringing this topic up on here, but now I feel this is one of the reasons the Lord inspired me to start posting on the LDS online forums.

I believe that sharing experiences can help others realize they are not alone. They can compare their own experiences to those of others and find similarities. People who have not been through abuse can read these experiences, learn what to watch for, and avoid it. While there are already many resources online to teach people warning signs, I think this thread can be an outreach to others in the online LDS community. Any and every way I can help, I would like to.

From my own study and experience, I've identified several warning signs:

An abuser will:

1. Monopolize your time.

2. Isolate you.

3. Guilt you.

4. Threaten you.

5. Intimidate you.

6. Use you.

An abuser mindset is all about control. They will do whatever they can to keep you in their control. You must spend all your time with them. You cannot talk to others about them. If your every thought and action isn't directed toward them, you do not love them or care about them enough. If you ever go against them you'd better be prepared to deal with their temper.

It starts out as a seemingly overwhelming outpouring of love and attention, but over time, as you try to keep your own life, it will become clear that this outpouring is a way to get you into their control.

[coral]

Its so sad that women (and men) go through such horrid things like this.

My childrens father mentally and physically abused me for 6 years.

I always said when i was younger id never allow a man to raise a hand to me and if they did id walk right away, but its easier said then done.

He made me feel that i was worthless and could not cope by myself and no one would ever want someone like me (a single mother)

i used to be a happy go lucky girl always bubbley but he knocked that right out of me.

he enjoyed a drink but could not handle it what so ever. personally myself i didnt like to drink, so we clashed with each other. he had nasty temper on him and would flip out over anything and everything. for reasons im still not sure off. but his reason for losing his temper like he did was that he was in the army and all the years of putting up with the army took its toll on him. he would never accept that the drink didnt help his temper.

anyways after 6 years it got to bad that he wouldnt think twice about hurting me in front of his children, 1 day i had enough and managed to end it. it was the hardest thing ive ever done. but it has made me a stronger person. i have my confidence back and my children are happy

[Loving_Wife]

On a side note to the mods. I wonder if this could be a sticky. My reasoning behind this is that many who are being abused will not, at first, step forward and voice their situation but they will read. Perhaps reading the posts that we have made about our situations and what we have been through, how we got help would help them to take the first step.

I would hate to see such an important issue and such heartfelt and wonderful sharing be pushed to the back of the threads for lack of posting.

[ADoyle90815]

I was in an abusive marriage, but I got out before the abuse became physical. There was verbal, emotional, financial, and even sexual abuse as he once took nude pictures of me after I fell asleep after marital relations. The financial abuse was that he refused to get a job, yet he got angry when I tried to apply for jobs, and even hated that I was going to finish my BA. He also tried to isolate me from my family and friends, and once tried to figure out my e-mail password. When he refused to get marital counseling with me, I went alone and it was a good thing as my therapist helped me to see that what he was doing is abuse, even if it was never physical. She even helped me to get a plan ready, and I eventually moved out and filed for divorce. I almost got a restraining order because he got so angry when I told him I filed the divorce papers, I thought he would try to harm me physically. The most dangerous time for an abused spouse is when they try to leave. I thank God every day that I got out before becoming pregnant, as there are no children for him to abuse, and I was able to cut him completely out of my life.

The divorce became final in 2003 as he at least signed the papers, and after years of therapy, I now am in a relationship with a real man who would never think of treating any woman like my ex does, and treats me as an equal. I also finished my BA and although I got laid off in this recession, I now have another job. My boyfriend is in no way threatened by a woman working, as he is secure enough in his manhood. I still have no children because I would rather be married first.

Edited January 24, 2010 by ADoyle90815

[JudoMinja]

Further thoughts on healing from abuse:

When I first left my husband, I was a nervous wreck. It was very difficult to resist the urge to go back. Just knowing how upset he was going to be when he read my letter, even though I would not be facing his anger anymore, made me feel guilty. I wanted to go back and apologize and comfort him and let him know everything was going to be alright. But I knew, that if I did so, I would never again have an opportunity to escape the abuse.

I was jittery and tense around everyone. The college friends I stayed with said nothing about my situation, treating me the same way they always had as if it was just a normal visit despite the fact that I now had a baby with me. That was very helpful. It was wonderful to know that nothing had changed between us as I had said some hurtful things to them under the encouragement of my husband (part of the isolation from friends).

The ride home, I was in the same nervous state, and there were some songs that came on the radio that I had to request get switched, because they reminded me of him and sounded like something he would say to me.

Once I got home, my mother pryed into all the details. She kept looking for explanations behind his behavior where there were none. At this point, I was getting to work in fixing up my life. I was getting in touch with a counselor from my college to figure out how I could finish my degree. I was figuring out what I needed to do to file for a divorce and possibly an order of protection. I was looking for jobs. I was adjusting to the new family setting and taking care of my son. I was talking to my Bishop and going through the repentance process for my own sins. And I was talking to a counselor/therapist to help through the healing process.

Adjusting at home took some time. I was very overprotective of my son at first and would hover over him all the time, as I was afraid his crying would upset my family- one of the things that would set my husband off. I had to overcome a lot of fear, resettling into a normal environment where I could feel comfortable being myself and making my own decisions.

Now, I feel like I can function normally again, but I'm still kinda "out-there". I feel separated and aloof from everyone. I still relive a lot of bad memories and have a hard time sleeping. I know I still lack confidence and have a hard time communicating my feelings with others. My counselor says I am doing very well, but I can tell I still have a lot of healing to do.

It is a long process, and I know the scars will never completely go away. For others going through healing, I can say that the best thing you can do is get actively engaged in life and good works. (Sound familiar? ) If you have nothing to do, fear and depression likes to creep up on you. I keep myself busy taking care of my son and nephews, helping my mom with house work, completing an internship and figuring out the rest of my college endeavors, going to counseling, getting legal matters squared away with my lawyer, going to church and institute and fulfilling my calling, and job searching. Even doing all of that, I have down times, but the best pick-me-up's are reading my scriptures, writing, and playing with my son.

Make plans for yourself. Set short and long term goals and work toward them. Then, live in the moment. Find joy in your activities and don't let the little things get to you.

Healing comes best when you spend your time helping others instead of worrying about yourself.

[dazed-and-confused]

from the abused male's point of view, i certainly do identify with the abusive dynamic, as well as, the victim role that is created, which is also an aspect of control in itself.

my abuse came at the hands of women in my household (my father was killed while serving in the Navy when i was 5). there is also alot more coming out abusive and controling wives and girlfriends, so more men can feel okay about talking about it and not affraid of feeling un-manly.

looking forward to sharing with those i can.

[JudoMinja]

from the abused male's point of view, i certainly do identify with the abusive dynamic, as well as, the victim role that is created, which is also an aspect of control in itself.

my abuse came at the hands of women in my household (my father was killed while serving in the Navy when i was 5). there is also alot more coming out abusive and controling wives and girlfriends, so more men can feel okay about talking about it and not affraid of feeling un-manly.

looking forward to sharing with those i can.

Thank you dazed. You are very right. Abuse in the home is not something that strictly happens to females and children. There are many men that go through abuse too.

There is a lot of information out there to help women going through abusive relationships with husbands and boyfriends. A lot of information to help people identify children in abusive homes so we can reach out and help them. But it is hard to find information to help men going through abusive relationships with wives and girlfriends.

There is no prejudice when it comes to abuse. Abusers come in all shapes and sizes. You can even experience abuse from a roommate, even though this is not an intimate family relationship.

Anyone who has gone through any form of domestic abuse will be able to identify the same traits in their abuser, and will find the same wounds within themselves.