A Dating Question

[Redd]

So me and my "girlfriend" are both LDS. We're 14. And yes, this is considered "bad" I guess in our religion, because we could break the law. The earthly AND heavenly law. Why? Because we could do "inappropriate things" to eachother. We aren't like, dating as in going to movies and sitting alone on a park at midnight watching the stars, but more like just being around eachother with large groups of teenagers and having fun and hugging eachother and stuff. Here's the catch: My parents are glad that I have a "girlfriend" because they are really easy going and don't care as much about that kind of stuff. Her parents, on the other hand, are really, really faithful. You know, like hardcore mormos. They don't listen to ANY music that swears AT ALL, and her dad is the bishop. They don't know we are "going out", because she knows they will tell her to break up with me. And that will be sad cause we really do like eachother A LOT. I've liked her since I was like, 10. And she never liked me and now she finally does, for some odd reason. But who cares I'm taking it all in! Haha! Back to the subject. I don't do drugs or do bad things to myself or others or look at pornography or any of that really bad stuff. The worse I do is listen to screamo and watch death note. And in my eyes it's not really that bad.

Anyway, her mom saw a post of hers on facebook that said "I love you" to me and she said she didn't want my girlfriend telling any guys "i love you" until she was 16. Already screwed over there.

Okay, lets skip all the sob talk here and cut to the point. How should me or her tell her parents. The way I told my parents was "It's just for fun, you know, like we like eachother, but it's not like we're going to make out on a couch for 2 hours right? And when we do see eachother, there's gonna be TONS of other teens!" But that was my parents. My parents as in the ones who watch 300 and Daredevil and The Matrix and listen to Linkin Park and swear when they're mad. That's not her parents. Her parents are the exact opposite.

So what should we do here? Is there a way to tell her parents without it ending up in her crying and telling her that she has to break up with me? Because I really want to be with her. Now. And don't go saying crap I already know about not dating until your 16 because we will have sex with eachother, cause the only way that would happen before we were married would be for hell to freeze over!

Thanks for listening to me rant. Sorry I like to let out my emotions.

[RachelleDrew]

It's totally okay to vent.

Here's the thing, if you love her as much as you say you do then you will want to respect her parent's wishes. Her parents love her too, and you've got to admire people who care so deeply about someone that you also care about.

If it's true love, then she will still love you in two years. If two years is all it takes to make her parents more comfortable with your relationship with her, then you aught to try and leave the girlfriend/boyfriend label out of it at least until then.

I don't want to tell you that you don't really love her or care about her just because you are young, I remember being 14 and I LOVED my boyfriend then. Even now I recognize that even though it was immature love, it was still real and valid. But that's not the point, the point is her family values the guidelines of the church. Respect that, and if it's REALLY love then she will adore you for respecting their wishes.

As for who is to tell the parents, if I were you I would man up and tell her dad that you've been dating behind their backs.

[NeuroTypical]

Sorry dude, you're basically under the thumb of your and her parents for as long as you're dependent children.

It stinks. I remember.

LM

[WmLee]

Let me give you my look at it . . . .

My daughter IS seeing someone I do not care for. Yep, it’s personal. I know of his history. He says he’s changed, his last mistake was less than three weeks ago! I haven’t seen the big change yet.

Bottom line, if it gets serious and they want to go to the next level, (engagement, marriage plans) how is he going to be able to come to me and talk about it? Is he that important that she is willing to run away and forget about her family all because he is “Mr. Wonderful”?

Work within the rules given by your/her parents. Focus on serving a mission, (if you’re willing to dedicate two years to the Lord I feel you are willing to dedicate eternity to my daughter) and together show some responsibility.

[Wingnut]

And don't go saying crap I already know about not dating until your 16 because we will have sex with eachother, cause the only way that would happen before we were married would be for hell to freeze over!

Famous last words.

The church doesn't just advise or counsel against dating before the age of 16. Even after 16, exclusive dating is very strongly discouraged until you are in a position to consider marriage, which you are not yet.

I would really encourage you to read this month's issue of The New Era. It's a special issue about dating, and it's really well done. I've read it cover to cover this week, and I highly recommend it. If you don't have a subscription, you can find the text of all the articles here.

Additionally -- and yes, I will be preachy -- because it's on my mind from having read this all week long, this is what the For The Strength of Youth booklet has to saying about dating (after 16 only, and even then in groups) and parents:

When you begin dating, go in groups or on double dates. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person. Make sure your parents meet those you date. You may want to invite your dates to activities with your family. Plan dating activities that are positive and inexpensive and that will help you get to know each other. Do things that will help you and your companions maintain your self-respect and remain close to the Spirit of the Lord.

(emphasis added)

Also, though I haven't had time to explore it much, the church has recently released a new website specifically for youth. You might like to spend some time there: https://beta.lds.org/youth?locale=eng

[johnnylingo]

If you are only seeing each other in a group setting, then I don't really see why any parents would have a serious problem, even if you are 14.

That said, I know this rule about waiting until your 16 may seem arbitrary and restrictive, but it's really for your own protection and benefit. No teenager wants to be told "You're too young, you're not ready yet," but surely you recognize that at 16, 19, or 22, you'll be a wiser, more responsible, more mature man who is better capable of handling relationships.

[MarginOfError]

I'd like to tell you to stop being a bonehead, but you may actually be incapable of it. In adolescents, the part of the brain that processes long term consequences doesn't function because there's too much activity in going in trying to develop other areas of the brain.

The short message is, you're young and stupid and there's nothing you can do about it.

Which is why the Church gives guidelines to prevent youth from entering situations in which their inability to think about how their actions will affect them could get them into trouble. "But it won't happen to me!" you complain. Well, as a statistician, I've come to learn that 95% of people think they're the exception to the norm, when in reality, 95% of people are the norm. Besides, you are under covenant "to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light." You get to follow the same standards as everyone else.

Here's the take home message:

You're young. You're stupid. and her parents know that. Kudos to them.

[rameumptom]

I see it this way: God gives us parents to teach and direct us until we're grown. Not all parents work in the same fashion.

God also gives us prophets to guide us. They have consistently told us that dating does not occur until we're at least 16. Why? Because God knows that the earlier kids date, the sooner they begin doing more adult things in the relationship. If you are now dating at 14, then at 16 years of age, you will be moved to be doing things that should wait until you are adults. Sadly, tens of thousands of kids only learn this the hard way each year, as they end up with preganancies, STDs, and spiritual issues all in the balance. Studies show that a person's decision making faculties in the brain do not fully develop until they are around 22 years of age. You are unable to make logical decisions right now, because hormones are raging, and your brain is not fully developed to make such decisions.

Ask yourself this question: Are you ready to be a parent as a teenager? Are you ready to be excommunicated for poor sexual choices? If not, then why are you dating right now?

President Kimball once told the story of a beautiful vista on a high cliff over a valley. Near the edge of the cliff, it got slippery, and people tended to fall of and get seriously injured when they hit the valley floor. People in town argued over whether to build a fence at the top, or put an ambulance down below. The fence would be safe, but would ruin much of the vista. The ambulance would retain the beautiful view, but at a much higher cost.

Waiting until you are 16 to date is like placing the fence at the top. You don't like how it restricts your freedom and the view. But do you really want to risk being a statistic? Think with your head, not with your hormones. And don't justify your other actions as "not bad" when they really are questionable (listening to screamo, etc), or you wouldn't have brought them up.

Either you follow God, or you attempt to walk as close to the cliff as you can without falling off. God wants you to stay far away from the cliff's edge. Hormones and Satan's temptations will have you get as close as possible.

You should admire her parents for such high standards. I wish my parents would have had such standards when I was growing up. For now, do group dating. Wait until you are 16 to consider dating, and even then, do not think you have to go steady with anyone. Your hormones are still raging, and you are not thinking straight at that age, too.

[Aussie]

you're a kid

have fun- with your mates. leave girls till later, but sure have them as friends too

i know it doesnt seem logical to you now, but bro, be a teenager.

[Tazzerina]

If you want to be in good standing with her family (which I assume you do if you care about her as much as you say you do), then you need to go talk to her dad. Let them know what's been going on, and then back off. You guys do not need to be dating right now. Trust me, I know how stupid the rules can seem and how condescending and unreasonable adults can appear, but as an almost 18 year old, I can tell you it's not worth it. I had my first boyfriend when I was 14 and hadn't joined the church yet. He was 17. No, we didn't make any major mistakes, but it completely took over my life and I was devastated when he went to college and we broke up. I sure learned a lot, but the fact is, at 14, kids just take relationships too seriously and get way too involved. I, too, thought we were the mature exception. Everyone thinks that. Even at 17, people make some serious commitments that they are in no place to make. I have friends now that are in exclusive relationships, and I just have to watch as feelings get hurt and drama splits everyone up. Just focus on making good friends. Keep her around by all means, but don't call her your girlfriend. If she's that important, she'll still be around later. If not, why waste your time and energy on it now?