How important is it for a wife to have her husband's surname?

[Bini]

I was raised by older parents that hold old-fashioned values and concepts. One of their pet-peeves are hyphenated names or simply women that refuse to take-on their married name. My father always grumbled that this is a feminist trend. While that may be true in these kinds of marriages, there are always exceptions and I personally know of one. I have an acquaintance that is a doctor. She has been a medical professional for some time prior to being married to her husband. So she decided to keep her maiden name since that is how she has been known professionally for many years. It made sense. But just how important is it for a wife to have her husband's surname? Is this just an old tradition that is slowly phasing out? Where did this idea of taking on the man's last name come from? Does refusing to take your married name display any degree of disrespect to your spouse? How about within Mormon culture? If a man is the patriarch of the household, should all those underneath his roof also be under his name?

Perspectives welcomed.

[Wingnut]

Typically, it is primarily feminist-movement motivated, but I agree that there are valid exceptions, such as a doctor, lawyer, etc. To change one's name on all the certifications and boards, etc. requires great effort, time, and expense.

It's been awhile, but I have a freakish memory, so I remember this thread that's about a year and a half old on this topic: http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/15757-thoughts-wife-keeping-her-maiden-name.html

[annamaureen]

It was important for me to change my name when I married, sort of as a show of unity, but I don't care what other people do.

[Tarnished]

I have a friend who hyphenated his name when he got married, mostly because he was upset with his family and wanted to take his wife's name instead. I think at first he was going to drop his surname completely, but I have seen his name hyphenated now. I am not sure if his wife hyphenated or not.

Truthfully other than how it relates to geneology I am not sure how big of a deal it really is. I suppose it really depends on how each person in the couple getting married feels about it.

[Tarnished]

So after making my post I decided to do a little bit of research. Surnames and the use of them are largely based on culture. Some cultures the woman takes the man's surname, in some the man takes the woman's, in some the woman's stays her "maiden name" or "birth name" and her surname passes on to her female children. In some they hyphenate the name, in some they make a new name out of the combination of the husband and wife's surnames. In genealogy they tend to refer to the wife using her maiden name as it helps to keep track of her lineage. In Islam the woman keeps her name so as to maintain ties to her lineage.

As I said in my previous comment I think it really depends on the couple and how they want to deal with the surname issue. America is a melting pot, so here we seem to be the most open to whatever you want to do with your surname. Tradition tends to tie in a lot of emotions, but when it all comes down to it the choice of which surname to pick is really up to you. If you want to tie in respect or disrespect then that is your choice as well. I can see it both ways, and truthfully choose to not care. I have my husband's surname, but would have been more than happy to keep my maiden name. Meh, not really worth getting too worked up over if you ask me.

[Sean1427]

Tarnished hits the nail on the head when she explains that it all depends on the culture one comes from. She's also correct when she writes that in the Muslim world, where we mistakenly think women are bought and sold, wives do not change their names when they marry. (You're a rare one, Tarnished--I'm impressed that you know that as most people don't.) Legally, a Muslim wife is not even a member of her husband's family but remain a member of her birth family. The same is true in most of China. From country to country the tradition or traditions vary. Even in the US, I doubt that taking the name of your husband is an old tradition. I remember a bank teller telling my mother that she didn't have to go by her husband's name anymore. But my mother told her that she was proud to bear my father's name. But she's of the "old" school, which may not actually be that old. When you do genealogy in the US as recently as the late 19th century, you'll see that our contemporary concept of a first name, middle name, and last name wasn't the same as views of names. While most seemed to have two given names, I doubt very much they though of one name being a "middle name." At one time, someone will go by one name and later by another name. Sometimes the "middle name" shows up as a "first name" and vice versa. And when it comes to so-called middle names, it sems that much of what one sees in that time period are really compound or hyphenated names such as was, and still is, often seen in England, for those of Anglo descent. You'll see women with what we think of as a "middle name" that can't be a woman's name, such as Johnson, or Thomas, or Brawley. The point I"m trying to make is that perhaps what we think of in the US as tradition might not be old enough to really be a tradition. Before that, something else was tradition.

[Guest]

In the Philippines, a woman takes her husband's name and her maiden name becomes her middle name. All the children takes the father's name as a surname and the mother's name as the middle name.

I have an "important" maiden name. It's a big name where I come from. But, I took my husband's last name and didn't bother with the hyphenated name (I was considering this) and didn't even bother with making it my middle name, because I want the kids to have the same name as me and their dad. It's kinda like a sports team where everybody wears the same jersey and the same team name for identity. That's how I see it.

[prisonchaplain]

Since my wife took my surname, we gave all our children her maiden name as their middle names. It was my idea, and my wife thought it a good one.

[Guest]

Since my wife took my surname, we gave all our children her maiden name as their middle names. It was my idea, and my wife thought it a good one.

PC, I thought they do it in Korea too! I guess not?

[miztrniceguy]

When I get a caller at work whose account comes up with a hyphenated name I address the caller as Ms x not as Ms y-x. I have not been corrected once in 4 years.

[prisonchaplain]

PC, I thought they do it in Korea too! I guess not?

No...the wives keep their surnames, but the children all take the fathers'.

[NeuroTypical]

My counter-argument: You don't have a surname - you only carry your father's. Folks are welcome to get bent out of shape about the man's name being more important than a woman's, whatever. There can be logical arguments made about the issue. But demanding to keep your father's name doesn't fix the issue, does it?

"Hi, I think taking my husband's name is demeaning to women. So I'm sticking with my father's! That way, it's somehow less demeaning to women in some vague way that I can never seem to get around to expressing."

See, it just doesn't make sense.

LM

Edited July 12, 2010 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Dravin]

Typically, it is primarily feminist-movement motivated, but I agree that there are valid exceptions, such as a doctor, lawyer, etc. To change one's name on all the certifications and boards, etc. requires great effort, time, and expense.

Actresses are the one that come to my mind. Sure some hyphenate (Jada Pinkett-Smith) but a lot of Star Power is tied into a name, besides considering how quick some Hollywood marriages are (or aren't) some folks would have a different billing every second or third movie. :)

[Guest mirancs8]

For me personally when I got married it was very important for me to take my husbands name. It to me represents us as a family unit and that I am married to him... now we are together as a family. Now that I am getting divorced I will take back my maiden name as I no longer belong to him. If I should marry again one day I would do the same and take his name.

If I was to look at this from the view of my culture, well you belong to you father until you marry. Once you are married you belong to your husband. It's all about Dabaq... cleaving to each other as husband and wife. To me personally that includes taking his name, as this shows that I belong to him not my father.

[xenic101]

I think it's vitally important for both parties involved to get each others last names before getting anywhere close to thinking about marriage.