Very Few Young / Single Adults In Church…

[Melissa569]

It really scares me to think of being single, in your 20's, in an LDS chruch, lol.

I’m in my late 20’s. I’m married to a non-member (Catholic), who is also from a foreign country. My husband and I were (and still are) having tons of problems… We don’t know weather or not we’re going to stay together. I talked to my bishop about this, because I was worried about my status in the church, should the worst happen. And my bishop casually said,

“Well, we do encourage families to stay together. But nobody will condemn you if the two of you simply decided that there is no way for you to meet in the middle. We have several members in this ward who’ve been married more than once. But this is actually why we encourage people to date and marry within the church, and their own culture. Its not about race, its just that a marriage is hard enough without those extra differences.”

Right after he said that, I had this flash in my mind of what would happen if my husband and I did decide to break things off… I thought of all the times I would sit there in church looking around-- roughly 95% of the people there are either children, young teens, middle-aged married couples, and senior couples.

I hardly EVER see any single adults in their 20’s, or for that matter, many singles at all. Well, except some missionaries, but I don’t really count them as “singles”, because they don’t date anyway. When I thought about that, I kind of shivered to think of being “single” at 28 years of age within the church… Its not just my ward either. It’s the same at my mom’s ward, and all the wards I attended when I was 12 years old and under.

I’m starting to think that perhaps it’s a common life cycle for people to pull away from the church during their single “on the hunt” years, and then return to the church after they have settled, and are trying to raise a wholesome family….?? In that case, as a single adult in your 20’s, how are you supposed to meet anyone? lol

I wanted to argue those points with my bishop, that the reason its so tempting to marry outside the church is because its just very slim pickings within the church, lol. Even if my husband and I do split, and I marry again later… It will probably be to another non-member, for all the above reasons. After all, the people I interact will all day, every day, usually are not members. Also because LDS singles seem to have this nearly impossible criteria to fit for regular people-- they want someone who’s been to the temple, or served a mission, or is still a virgin, etc, etc.

Anyone else ever notice this?

EDIT: Oh, ok, being inactive for most of my adult life, I didn't know there was a YSA ward, someone just told me. But still, it would be kind of scary going there too with the high standards active LDS singles might have... Lets just hope my marriage looks up then, eh? lol

Edited April 13, 2010 by Melissa569

[Bini]

You forget there's "single wards" for young adults :] Why would they want to stick around with mum and dad and all those little rug-rats running about?

[MisterT]

As Bini said, the reason you don't see many people in their 20's in the family wards is because they are usually pushed over into the YSA wards, unless they have children and are the primary custodians.

I am one of 3 single people in my ward; in the whole stake, not including the under 31 crowd who have their own ward, there are only a few dozen singles over 31 and under 45, hardly a cohesive environment for dating or marriage.

I just figure I'll be single for a long, long time, because I don't want to marry outside of the faith.

[Melissa569]

I just read one of MisterT's posts in another thread about YSA, and it freaked me out, lol.

So if you're single, do you HAVE to go to a singles ward? Or is it a choice? It sounds like a logical idea, I'm just wondering if they push you to go. Even though its probably a good mingling place, I think if I were single, I would feel kind of self conscious there, like,

"Okaaaay, you totally know we're all sent here for ONE reason..." lol

Edited April 13, 2010 by Melissa569

[Wingnut]

So if you're single, do you HAVE to go to a singles ward? Or is it a choice? It sounds like a logical idea, I'm just wondering if they push you to go. Even though its probably a good mingling place, I think if I were single, I would feel kind of self conscious there, like,

"Okaaaay, you totally know we're all sent here for ONE reason..." lol

No, you don't have to go. In fact, the Church Handbook of Instructions states that single members' needs are best met in a traditional ward.

[MisterT]

You don't have to attend, but you will be encouraged to go if there isn't some reason you shouldn't be there; such as disciplinary actions, minor children with a primary custody order, etc.

If you feel more comfortable in a family ward, by all means, stay there. But at your age, it'll probably be better to be with those in the same situation.

I feel nothing but lonliness when I'm in Sacrament Meeting; I miss having my own noisy children gettin' under foot and disrupting the meeting.

But I also don't want to be pushed to date or get married; my heart is still broken and I don't think it'll ever heal. So, even were there a Mid SA ward around here, I wouldn't go because I don't want to be put into the situation of feeling pushed to date, and I wouldn't want to disappoint some nice sister who got up all of her courage to ask me if I'd like to do something with her by telling her I wasn't interested in dating anyone right now.

[WindRiver]

Most of the younger people are off to college or on missions in our ward.

[Melissa569]

You don't have to attend, but you will be encouraged to go if there isn't some reason you shouldn't be there; such as disciplinary actions, minor children with a primary custody order, etc.

If you feel more comfortable in a family ward, by all means, stay there. But at your age, it'll probably be better to be with those in the same situation.

I feel nothing but lonliness when I'm in Sacrament Meeting; I miss having my own noisy children gettin' under foot and disrupting the meeting.

But I also don't want to be pushed to date or get married; my heart is still broken and I don't think it'll ever heal. So, even were there a Mid SA ward around here, I wouldn't go because I don't want to be put into the situation of feeling pushed to date, and I wouldn't want to disappoint some nice sister who got up all of her courage to ask me if I'd like to do something with her by telling her I wasn't interested in dating anyone right now.

hmmm, I see what you mean. And likewise, if my husband and I ever did split up, I think I would be too broken hearted to start dating right away. It might take me at the very least a year to start getting over it, much less the legal divorce process and all.

I love him to death, its just I think he might be falling out with me... I mean, I know he still cares very much about me, I just don't think he's "in love" with me anymore, if that makes any sense... And that really bites, lol. But it took me more than a YEAR of dating him to even admit to myself that I loved him. So I'm very slow in that process. It would take even longer if I had a broken heart, because there would be fears, raw spots, and trust issues. So I get what you mean about still being broken hearted.

At least until I healed, I would probably stick with a family ward.

[MisterT]

Its been 2 years since my ex-wife left me and I still hurt as bad as the day I came home to find my house empty and my family gone. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over it completely, but I pray to every day.

[Guest mysticmorini]

it's tough being single in a church that emphasizes family and marriage as much as ours, and that you cannot be complete without a spouse. in general there are not many adults 20-29 attending any church, most do wait until they have families to "find God." as far as standards go i think that outside of utah you will find that there are many single adults who have given in to temptation or are not as picky as one might think. the best course of action is to let the spirit guide and have faith.

[Guest Alana]

Come on over to my ward:) We consistently go against the average. We have plenty of single 30 somethings (there may be 20 somethings, but I don't know their age, we do have a singles branch). Most of the singles in our ward are women, some previously married, some not. They have callings in primary and relief society, the planning commission, etc. basically are an integral part of the ward. The longer I think about it, the more of them I think of, and we don't have a large ward.

Just saying, they are out there, even if not in your area. Not sure why there are so many in my ward. They are definitely beautiful woman with strong testimonies and the ward is all the better for having them here.

[Guest mysticmorini]

im sure they are out there but it doesn't help if they are on the other side of the country

[Roseslipper]

I hope that you and your husband will work things out...Love changes, goes thru cycles, build that relationship with your husband it takes alot of work to make a marriage great, its harder then going to work every day. Date each other have a date night, talk with each other, communciation is very important, go for walks, hold hands. act like you did when u were dating... marriage needs to be built on a strong foundation...Each partner needs to learn to become selfless, and thats not easy. He needs to think of your needs and wants, and you should think of his....walk the journey together. As far as singles in the church it has always been a problem in all wards and stakes, and thats why we lose alot of singles, Maybe not in Utah, or idaho, or ca. the mormon states, but all the other ones...not enough things for singles to do, and mingle so they go out of the church and look and more often then not they find trouble.....

[Moksha]

The demographics of the ward change place by place. My ward has a whole bunch of older people. We old guys pass the Sacrament.

Despite these demographics, I do understand that quite a few young adult males who grew up in the Church end up leaving it.

[ZSEdwardson]

Well, I go to a small branch, and it is tough sometimes since I converted recently, I missed the whole "get together in your early 20's.

But in all seriousness, when I think I am in a bad situation, I just think of the poor females. There is about 4 single girls in my branch, mostly colleged age. But the only male under 40 who is not married or engagged is me, and while I think of myself as a decent catch, lets just say not all the girls agree with that.

I don't really even have a real option of a singles ward, as it is in Hickory, which is 2+ hours away from where I live, and I am unable to move due to job conciderations, and in this economy, a good job you do what you have to to keep it.

While I do feel bad for all Single adults over the age of say, 25, who end up being in a no-(wo)mans land in the church, I do know it very hard on the women, as it does seem that there is less worthy males then females.

[Guest]

hmmm, I see what you mean. And likewise, if my husband and I ever did split up, I think I would be too broken hearted to start dating right away. It might take me at the very least a year to start getting over it, much less the legal divorce process and all.

I love him to death, its just I think he might be falling out with me... I mean, I know he still cares very much about me, I just don't think he's "in love" with me anymore, if that makes any sense... And that really bites, lol. But it took me more than a YEAR of dating him to even admit to myself that I loved him. So I'm very slow in that process. It would take even longer if I had a broken heart, because there would be fears, raw spots, and trust issues. So I get what you mean about still being broken hearted.

At least until I healed, I would probably stick with a family ward.

Melissa, what worries me about your post is that you say you love him but you're already considering leaving him.

What does "in love" really mean? Think about it. Is it just this mushy happy-giddy feeling? It might be because you are still young, but there is no such thing as "he's not "in love" with me anymore". That's a Cinderella story.

Marriage is a mesh of two INDIVIDUALS. There are times when one is down, one is going through rough times, one is flailing, one is changing, one is sky-high, one is going through a gazillion different life stages. What LOVE means - is that both of you GROW with it together and suffer together if need be.

When the going gets rough, that's the time when you really need to stick together the hardest. I was not LDS and I'm a different race from my husband. Believe me, at least 6 out of our 12 years of marriage, I was ready to strangle him! But, we both believe we are in this for the long haul and the "divorce" word is not allowed to enter both our heads. Not even in anger, not even in despair. Nope. We stick together through thick or thin, sickness or health, prosperity or despair even when he's going through his "stage" of ignoring me while watching TV almost all the time! I just had to remind him, hey buddy, hello, remember me? Your wife? That you're stuck with for the rest of your life? And he usually snaps out of it sooner or later...

So as not to hijack your thread, I'm going to let you know that somebody in our ward was in her late 50's and widowed. You would think those people will find it next to impossible to find someone. She signed up for an LDS online meeting place (don't know the name) and she met this wonderful man in his early 60's. I love that guy! They got married soon after and then went on a mission not too long after that. They've been back from the mission for about 3 years now and I tell ya - those 2 are the happiest couple in my ward. It is awesome to see them dance in the Valentine's ward party! So yeah, your choices are not limited to your Stake...

Edited April 14, 2010 by anatess