i have feelings for an lds girl who isn't tight on her standards

[bonanzafan]

i've been dating a girl for a few weeks now. she is in my ward. she is "legal" in her level of standards, but not tight about keeping them strong. her modesty is borderline and her conversation is sometimes questionable...among other things that seem to push the envelope. she often says "that's just how i am," and fights me to the end when i say some of these things make me uncomfortable about her behavior. she doesn't listen when i tell her how i feel, or rather, she hears and agrees, but then pays no head after the conversation. i haven't felt attracted to a girl in a while, but now this...

any advice?

thanks.

Edited April 22, 2010 by bonanzafan

[Elgama]

if you can't agree on standards when you are dating you are not going to agree when you are married, even worse when you have kids

[Moksha]

Bonanzafan, thoughts of bringing her into full conformity with what you deem as desirable is probably not going to happen. Could you be content with her just being "legal" as you put it? If so, my advice is to accept her "as is" and reserve any full conformity stardards as just being applicable to yourself. That way she can be okay and you can be okay.

:)

[john doe]

If she's not the one, then she's not the one. Keep looking.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think you need to look at the whole picture. Also, at yourself -- do you tend to be really critical of the people you date? I know I was, and it hurt the relationship.

However, remember what Ben Franklin said -- before marriage, look at your intended with both eyes wide open. After you get married, look at them with your eyes half-shut.

[JudoMinja]

Sounds to me like she's still finding herself and resistant toward any sign of authority. Since you are trying to enforce the standards, she sees you as an outlet of that authority. She wants to do things her way, not the way someone else tells her to. Over time she may realize that she does want to honor those standards to the fullest, and she may not, but she needs to discover what she wants for herself. If you keep trying to push it, it is only going to make her more resistant.

[Guest mirancs8]

i've been dating a girl for a few weeks now. she is in my ward. she is "legal" in her level of standards, but not tight about keeping them strong. her modesty is borderline and her conversation is sometimes questionable...among other things that seem to push the envelope. she often says "that's just how i am," and fights me to the end when i say some of these things make me uncomfortable about her behavior. she doesn't listen when i tell her how i feel, or rather, she hears and agrees, but then pays no head after the conversation. i haven't felt attracted to a girl in a while, but now this...

any advice?

thanks.

Personal opinion but she seems to have a strong personality. Right? Wrong? When you say "fights me to the end" when you tell her that things make you uncomfortable it makes me think that she just has a strong personality.

Being that I don't know your personality obviously, nor do I know hers it's hard to say. But from what you wrote it could be entirely possible. Is it safe to assume you both like each other at the same level? It also could be that it's only been a few week rather than months so it's hard sometimes to gauge things. It might be so soon in the relationship that because of her strong personality she doesn't feel that she needs to submit to your requests. I could be completely off but it's a possibility. I would give it some time and see how things change because it will. Usually the first few week of dating you are in the happy phase but as time moves on and it becomes 2 months, 4 months, 6 months things will start to change. You become comfortable with each other and the guard will come down more and more. As she becomes more comfortable you can see if after you express your concerns if she is modifying her behavior at all.

That's about all I can think of to tell you. Give it time and see if anything changes. Time is your only true friend in a dating situation.

[baver3]

if you can't agree on standards when you are dating you are not going to agree when you are married, even worse when you have kids

Amen.

[FunkyTown]

Yyyyeah. I would suggest that you either allow her to be herself or look elsewhere. It's not wrong that you want someone with standards like yours, but it -is- wrong to try to change someone else. You can't.

If it's a deal-breaker, then break the deal. If it isn't, then live with it.

[ADoyle90815]

If she doesn't fit your standards enough, then you're better off without her, and she's better off with someone who will accept her for who she is. It's only been a few weeks since you've been dating her, so it might be best to end it right now if what she's like is a deal breaker.

[Elphaba]

i've been dating a girl for a few weeks now. she is in my ward. she is "legal" in her level of standards, but not tight about keeping them strong. her modesty is borderline and her conversation is sometimes questionable...among other things that seem to push the envelope. she often says "that's just how i am," and fights me to the end when i say some of these things make me uncomfortable about her behavior. she doesn't listen when i tell her how i feel, or rather, she hears and agrees, but then pays no head after the conversation. i haven't felt attracted to a girl in a while, but now this...

With the very little we have to go on, I'd say you should believe her when she says that's just how she is. In fact, you wrote she says it "often," which makes me wonder how many times you've told her you're not comfortable with her behavior. I'm sort of surprised she still wants to date you. I don't mean that in a mean way--I'm just surprised she wants to date someone she has to keep explaining herself to.

Elphaba

[miztrniceguy]

I think you're asking for trouble if you keep spending time with her.

[rameumptom]

Keep looking. Imagine the struggles raising children. She would allow them to be loose, would not take family scripture study or prayer seriously, etc. You would be giving yourself a big struggle, if she isn't interested in changing NOW.