Parenting Conflicts between parents

[ninjormon]

What am I supposed to do on this one?

My wife yells at the kids constantly. They have got so used to it that they just ignore her and so she gets louder and does it so frequently it is causing problems between the two of us.

Now the kids are old enough to talk and all they do is yell. They are wild and at times uncontrollable and it seems that when they need to be quiet or reverent is when they are at thier worse.

[pam]

That's the hard part of this. Kids mimic what they see their parents do. Until she realizes what is going on, you are kind of stuck.

[Gwen]

not sure there is much you can do. it's her behavior and she needs to see what it's doing and want to change it before anything will happen.

the kids are probably mirroring her so once she calms down then they will too.

i went through a time i'm not proud of that i yelled more than i should have. it did start to show in the kids. i found my trigger was not being listened to to begin with. was a very nasty cycle. no one would listen i got louder and louder and louder. my husband did complain about it. it took him awhile to believe me and still working on it but his promptness changes everything. for example; i've been cooking the last hour, i'm tired and dinner is finally ready so i walk into the living room where everyone is doing their own thing and i announce that dinner is about ready it's time to set the table. if dad sits there and continues what he's doing the kids will too. even if he says to specific ppl to go set the table they won't do it till he stops and does something. so nothing happens so i walk in the living room again and announce even louder, time to set the table. nothing, i do it again even louder. nothing, at the end of my rope i go in and tare through the room announcing that dinner is canceled. the next time i will tare though sooner than the time before. it feeds itself in a very vicious way.

i'm not saying this is why it happens in your house but i bet if you really look at it you can find how the cycle started and thus an answer to stopping it.

i would suggest praying about a good way to approach your wife about it. see what thoughts she has on why it happens. i'm willing to bet she feels horrible for it but is at the end of her rope.

regardless of why it started the bottom line is about listening, you mentioned that. i would suggest being quick to respond, quick to step in and get the kids to respond. i would also suggest you look for any medical reasons she would be at the end of her rope all day long. i had some hormone imbalances. because of them i was living off adrenaline instead of functioning like i should have. i was always exhausted, the more i did the worse it got. when stress levels are that high it's harder to control yourself and easier to resort to that extreme method of control. if it's not hormonal then maybe she is just at the end of her rope all the time. find ways for her to get out of the house and away from the kids some.

i noticed you posted another thread about being fatigued yourself. with as much as you are working how much of that is affecting her and the kids? sometimes a step back as a couple is needed and just put everything on hold and take care of each other. when you are both rested and decompressed some then do it as a family.

when the two of you aren't so stressed the chaos in the kids will calm down.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I had this problem, and continue to have it at times with my wife.

But the problem is tolerable now after a few things I did. My wife even said that I'm "good at parenting" after I took these steps, and they worked.

First, I got a ton of books out of the library on parenting. I knew screaming was wrong, but I didn't exactly know what to do in place of it when people don't listen.

So, I read the books and learned the following:

1. If you have to tell them more than twice, then you're doing something wrong. So, take responsibility for the fact they don't obey you (at least, with kids that don't have severe mental or behavioral problems). Use this realization to try new methods.

2. Use distraction to get them to stop whatever they are doing, such as fighting. I do this all the time. When my kids are fighting I say "Son Number 1, look what I found!!!!". And then show himself something interesting like a dead bug, a toy that he said he lost, or an interesting picture of a shark or wolf on the Internet. Or something interesting in your desk. Or, ask him to come and help you with something interesting. "Son Number 1, do you want to help me put icing on the cupcakes?". They will often drop the bad behavior and come join you. Problem solved for the time being without yelling.

3. Be proactive in planning activities with them. Kids fight when they are bored. The best defense against fighting and misbehavior is a a good offence -- so plan activities they like doing. It's hard to fight when everyone is riding their bike down the street. Prevention through activity Planning.

4. If you tell them to do something nicely, twice, and they still don't obey, then ACT. I say "OK!!!" which implies, "now you're getting it!" and then I move quickly toward them with the intention to act -- such as picking them up and putting them in a different room, taking something away from them, solving the disagreement by separating them, whatever -- but you have to act.

5. If you threaten, then make sure you follow through on your threat, otherwise, the kids will be mommy/Daddy deaf. I try not to threaten, but when I do, I rarely (say, never) give in on the threat. Otherwise, they won't believe you in the future. They may kick, scream, plead, beg, slam doors, etecetera, but let it run its course. It will restore their belief that when you say something, you mean it.

Usually the threat is removal of a priviledge -- it has to be something the kids really value, and you have to put up with the screaming and begging and door slamming as your whole credibility as a parent is on the line to the kids.

6. When kids are doing something right, reward them for it unexpectedly. Don't promise reward in advance, but make it appear unexpectedly when kids spontaneously do something good. A few minutes ago I just gave my son a pad of colorful paper-airplane paper. You fold a page of it , and it looks like a painted flying paper airplane. This was unexpected reward for him -- he had just started being mean to the cat, and then he caught himself and was nice to the kitty. He came and told me he did it, not expecting anything. Then he walked away. So I dug into my stash of dollar store items and gave him the pad of paper, connecting it to his good behavior.

7. Whisper in their ear as Heavenly Father does when he tries to get the attention of His children (See 3 Nephi 11 for how He does this).

The main books that influenced my thinking are:

Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn

Why Good Parents Have Bad Kids (10 things great parents do, based on observations of 300 professional, paid parents by the director of a string of group homes for troubled children - it makes for inspiring reading)

The Family that Works Together

And anything else you can get your hands on.

8. Start using these techniques with your kids and let your wife see them workign effectively. Children can learn to obey one non-yelling parent even though the other is a screamer. And this will also give them a positive parenting role model for when they are adults.

9. After you get effective (and you may already be), you might broach the topic with your wife. You might also encourage her to read the books you've been reading. For my wife, she had to see I was being effective as a result of my reading to buy into the whole "you can learn to be a better parent" concept.

As a result of this, I don't yell much anymore. My kids usually listen to me. And my wife has picked up on some fo the techniques. She even came to me asking for advice.

10. Also, if you can watch SuperNanny together -- the professional Nanny had a lot of techniques that my wife adopted. I don't agree with them all, but at least she was using methods that are better than yelling. You'll see yelling famlies get commentary from this SuperNanny and how their lives get better from employing proactive parenting techniques.

Hope this helps!

Edited May 23, 2010 by mormonmusic

[rameumptom]

You both need training on parenting and rewiring everyone, including the kids. I suggest you look at some of the writings/books at LoveAndLogic.com

[Elgama]

:) I shout a lot totally understand how it happens they get to that 3 year old ignoring stage and it goes from there lol.

(

However my husband and I use a series of books written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish we work through them together as a couple and it works really well.

[mightynancy]

Love and Logic is awesome. :) I also like How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen...I think the author is Adele Faber.

Have you noticed what her trigger is (for the yelling)?

[MarginOfError]

Time and patience, my friend. I started talking to my wife about her volume when we got married, two years before we had a child. Even now, she struggles some, but is generally good about it. When she does raise her voice at my daughter, I usually give her a look to say, "was that really necessary?"

The major issue, however, is learning skills to cope with stress, and learning to just let things go. Most of the things people get upset about aren't worth being upset about.

[Elgama]

meditation is also useful book called Baby Buddhas it will help with the kids and everybodies temper

[vgirl]

I had this problem, and continue to have it at times with my wife.

But the problem is tolerable now after a few things I did. My wife even said that I'm "good at parenting" after I took these steps, and they worked.

First, I got a ton of books out of the library on parenting. I knew screaming was wrong, but I didn't exactly know what to do in place of it when people don't listen.

So, I read the books and learned the following:

1. If you have to tell them more than twice, then you're doing something wrong. So, take responsibility for the fact they don't obey you (at least, with kids that don't have severe mental or behavioral problems). Use this realization to try new methods.

2. Use distraction to get them to stop whatever they are doing, such as fighting. I do this all the time. When my kids are fighting I say "Son Number 1, look what I found!!!!". And then show himself something interesting like a dead bug, a toy that he said he lost, or an interesting picture of a shark or wolf on the Internet. Or something interesting in your desk. Or, ask him to come and help you with something interesting. "Son Number 1, do you want to help me put icing on the cupcakes?". They will often drop the bad behavior and come join you. Problem solved for the time being without yelling.

3. Be proactive in planning activities with them. Kids fight when they are bored. The best defense against fighting and misbehavior is a a good offence -- so plan activities they like doing. It's hard to fight when everyone is riding their bike down the street. Prevention through activity Planning.

4. If you tell them to do something nicely, twice, and they still don't obey, then ACT. I say "OK!!!" which implies, "now you're getting it!" and then I move quickly toward them with the intention to act -- such as picking them up and putting them in a different room, taking something away from them, solving the disagreement by separating them, whatever -- but you have to act.

5. If you threaten, then make sure you follow through on your threat, otherwise, the kids will be mommy/Daddy deaf. I try not to threaten, but when I do, I rarely (say, never) give in on the threat. Otherwise, they won't believe you in the future. They may kick, scream, plead, beg, slam doors, etecetera, but let it run its course. It will restore their belief that when you say something, you mean it.

Usually the threat is removal of a priviledge -- it has to be something the kids really value, and you have to put up with the screaming and begging and door slamming as your whole credibility as a parent is on the line to the kids.

6. When kids are doing something right, reward them for it unexpectedly. Don't promise reward in advance, but make it appear unexpectedly when kids spontaneously do something good. A few minutes ago I just gave my son a pad of colorful paper-airplane paper. You fold a page of it , and it looks like a painted flying paper airplane. This was unexpected reward for him -- he had just started being mean to the cat, and then he caught himself and was nice to the kitty. He came and told me he did it, not expecting anything. Then he walked away. So I dug into my stash of dollar store items and gave him the pad of paper, connecting it to his good behavior.

7. Whisper in their ear as Heavenly Father does when he tries to get the attention of His children (See 3 Nephi 11 for how He does this).

The main books that influenced my thinking are:

Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn

Why Good Parents Have Bad Kids (10 things great parents do, based on observations of 300 professional, paid parents by the director of a string of group homes for troubled children - it makes for inspiring reading)

The Family that Works Together

And anything else you can get your hands on.

8. Start using these techniques with your kids and let your wife see them workign effectively. Children can learn to obey one non-yelling parent even though the other is a screamer. And this will also give them a positive parenting role model for when they are adults.

9. After you get effective (and you may already be), you might broach the topic with your wife. You might also encourage her to read the books you've been reading. For my wife, she had to see I was being effective as a result of my reading to buy into the whole "you can learn to be a better parent" concept.

As a result of this, I don't yell much anymore. My kids usually listen to me. And my wife has picked up on some fo the techniques. She even came to me asking for advice.

10. Also, if you can watch SuperNanny together -- the professional Nanny had a lot of techniques that my wife adopted. I don't agree with them all, but at least she was using methods that are better than yelling. You'll see yelling famlies get commentary from this SuperNanny and how their lives get better from employing proactive parenting techniques.

Hope this helps!

Some really good stuff here, Personally i think the church should offer parenting classes.

most of us parent the way we were parented. I broke the cycle of yelling after my first child- who was 3 at the time - started yelling at me in church.

[Bini]

Whatever happened to the old saying, "There aren't books on parenting"? I guess there are some. And that's great to hear that what's in text on paper has actually helped some of you. I'm not much of a book reader, so I'll likely be screwed when it comes to "How To Parent" issues, unless my mum's still around, in which case, she'll fill me in on EVERYTHING. I'm sure..

From someone that doesn't have kids (lol) I would say that sometimes trade-off works well. I've found that with my job occupation etc etc, it works with people, no matter their age. If you can't get someone to respond to you as you'd like, regardless of how softly you're speaking to them, try having someone else take the reigns for that moment. I think when dads are able to step in and help mum out, stress goes down and you'll see less irritation in the household.

[Elgama]

Some books are useless but How to Talk so Kids Will Listen is full of common sense its all the stuff you actually know is right but centuries of parenting have created bad habits in us with the way we treat and talk to our parents similarly with Sibling Rivalry I think anyone who has a Sibling will find something they identify

[zippy_do46]

True Story people.... I had to tell you this one on myself... I had this problem so I went to a local class on parenting. Bought the books and decided I would try the methods listed when dealing with a teenager. I learn some ways they I could turn a bad conversation into a good one. It worked beautiful. :) Then suddenly we started having problems again....

In one of our yelling discussions she told me that she knew what I had been doing because she found the books. She was not stupid and I could stop doing what I had learned.

So if you do buy alot of parenting books....I would suggest you hide them :) if you are dealing with pre-teen or teenagers. :0)

[Guest]

Screaming - that's me. I have a temper problem.

This is not a "parenting" issue per se. This is a control issue - my control over my temper. I'm not sure I can explain it properly, but try to imagine this:

I say something and they look at me like I'm stupid. That's one of my triggers. English is only my 3rd language so when I speak and nobody understands me I start questioning myself. When I rephrase what I'm trying to say in plain english with words of no more than 2 syllables to 2 kids and a husband and all of them look at me like I'm stupid, I literally see red. I am not kidding - my vision hazes up, my head starts to feel hot, my hands start to shake, and I'm out of control. I can't stop it when I get to this point.

That's just one of the triggers. I have several others. The trick is, to not get to that point. And this requires a lot of cooperation from my husband and my kids (ages 6 and 8 right now). I have explained to my kids my temper issue ever since they were little. My husband and I have held several family home evenings about it. So, when I get into a temper, they all kinda know how to deal with it. It helps me and it makes everybody stop and think about what exactly is the matter - because, the problem truly is not the yelling (that's just a manifestation of the problem), the problem is what caused the yelling in the first place.

My husband and I try to solve problems now before the kids get to be teenagers. For example, we know we have to solve the problem of differing religions before the kids are born, we know we have to address sexuality before the kids get hormonal, we know we have to educate the kids about the internet before they get time on the computer, we know we have to address my temper problem before the kids start to imitate this bad behavior.... that kind of stuff.

My husband and I think that when they get to be teen-agers, it will be very difficult to address it then when they're in the "know it all" stage.

I love my family. They don't expect me to be perfect but they make me a better person.

[zippy_do46]

:0) The good thing is this same daughter does not let her children or her step children get away doing those things we use to struggle over. She knows all the tricks and tells them so. I shake my head sometimes with wonder. She is going to make it. She has a strong will. She has survived some bad choices and she is stronger for it.