Pornography: Need advice... :(

[ZachBz]

Well, first of all, I'm going to have to thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm in a point in my life that I need advice yet again. I might as well give the whole story and nothing less to hopefully help more.

For the longest time, ever since I was young, I've had a desire to serve an honorable full-time mission. My patriachical blessing, my parents, and other family/friends strongly support me doing so. It wasn't as much desired as it is now, after realizing that none of my other siblings will go. I've decided I'm not going to push to try serve a mission for my family or friends, but for me and the people that need the church and its power/direction in their lives.

As for the advice:

Since I was 14 or so, pornography has slowly slipped into my life. I was neive and not understanding that even looking at youtube could get me to the point of viewing porn weekly, though not being so controlling at a younger age. It has been a struggle to put things back on track. Later down the road, I had found a woman that I loved with all my heart. After kissing, necking, and more contact, we had sexual intercourse after many months. I couldn't stand having such dirt on me, and I made an appointment with the bishop the day after it had occured. I went through the bishop, and cleared everything up and dumped everything out and repented of what I had done. My girlfriend, being mormon also, didn't like me telling, thus, we are no longer dating or even talking for that matter.

I had such hopeless feelings that the person had made my days seem hopefull is gone, which only pushed a depression that was lying dormant out. Pornography had been hard to get away from as a result.

Now, as I have completely pushed any desire to even see my girlfriend again and 'moved on', I have found that I can't break the viewings of pornography. I have only been able to withstand a 1-2 weeks at a time before the temptation feels all-so overpowering. I pray daily; in the morning and in the evening; asking that this temptation might be taken from me and that I might be able to walk up-right. I also do daily scripture study hoping that as I try to do everything I know and believe to be right, hoping it would help, and it has, as my use of pornography was almost daily at a point and time. I seem to try daily at fortifying my walls, as Moroni did when Amalickiah had lost faith in church and took sides with the Lamanites and pushed them to have hate towards the Nephites enough to take arms against them; building up my weakest points, putting earth up as a wall so arrows and rocks could not hit me.

I've been meeting with my bishop on a regular basis on how I'm doing. He says 3 months of being sober from the act shows control enough to be able to serve a mission. At the moment, I still have not been ordained to the office of a Elder, and see less hope from that. I also had been seeing a church counselor in the past.

I feel so mad at myself each time I fall to tempation, yet I get back on the bandwagon and push again, hoping I will have more success.

With all that has been said, what should I do? the time that I can start on my mission papers is coming up soon...

[Tarnished]

Have someone in your family put a password on your computer that keeps you from using it. Avoid computers for awhile, find something else to do with your time. Fill it up with something that will keep you busy all the time, exercise, do service, find something that keeps you busy. If you have to access computers make sure that you only go onto them when there is another person around. Before you use a computer read your scriptures, put a picture of Christ next to your computer. These are all things that help. It sounds like you really want to quit this addiction, I know there are some programs out there that can help people stop their addictions. Most if not all stakes have an addiction recovery group. Look into that and start attending the meetings. If your stake does not, then look into your community and see what they have to offer.

[goodfeeling_]

Hello ZachBz,

So, the day after having intercourse with your mormon girlfriend, you decided to go tell the bishop.. probably one of the most bravest things one can do.

The only thing I know about you is what you typed... so based on what I have read, here is my opinion.

You had intercourse with a mormon, probably knew that she wouldn`t be too happy about you spreading the news (or victory), probably knew you at least run a risk of losing her... probably knew about church consequences... yet, you still decided to. You continue to meet with the bishop frequently... each time you fall off the bandwagon, you jump back on and push again... all sounds pretty admirable to me!

So you asked the question... what should you do. It sounds like your doing it already.

I think so often in the church, we are in an environment that doesn`t allow for time. We are constantly reminded to seek the word, repent, do good works and endure because the time is at hand. We never know when the Second Coming is... maybe its tomorrow. Sometimes we need to step back a bit and allow methods... healing... processes to take place. I understand your predicament. In your eyes, you dont have time. Your mission papers is due soon. But honestly, what you are doing right now, to improve your situation, your lifestyle is remarkable. In my eyes, its remarkable.

My opinion is to keep talking with the bishop...keep reading your scriptures...keep saying your prayers. Listen & Follow.

I wish you the best and dont give up. Dust yourself off, stand back up..and keep going.

GF

[Just_A_Guy]

Zach, in addition to what's been stated, you need to get a close friend/relative on board--someone you can call when you're feeling tempted, even if it's 2 AM, who will talk you through the situation.

If there's an LDS-sponsored addiction recovery group in your area, I'd recommend you go to at least a session or two.

It will get better in time.

[ZachBz]

Zach, in addition to what's been stated, you need to get a close friend/relative on board--someone you can call when you're feeling tempted, even if it's 2 AM, who will talk you through the situation.

If there's an LDS-sponsored addiction recovery group in your area, I'd recommend you go to at least a session or two.

It will get better in time.

I've tried this in the past with a very close friend of mine that I've talked to many times about my problems and he has listened with an open mind and heart always; yet I feel like I had pushed enough on him already with my past problems. He is married, has kids, and works full time. I'm already being selfish enough with this addiction and I feel I'd be even more selfish doing so...

[FreeForAll]

Zach, what others pointed out is finding something else to do with your time. This is what can help you get away. What are the reasons you use a computer anyways now? Also are you watching tv shows that you enjoy but know you shouldn't be watching them? Here are somethings you could possibly do:

- Exercise(this is the biggest thing I keep myself busy with waiting for my mission, to make it fun, set goals like getting a certain amount of strength, your dream body, running mile in a certain amount of time,etc)

-Sit down and use a big piece of paper and write down all the things you can think of that you can do and hang it write next to the computer(usually we are tempted cause we start getting bored)

- Get a job(helps take away a big part of the day with some money for your mission like me)

- This is a weird technique but sometimes it really can help, just when the temptation pops in your mind, just YELL. It seriously works, just yell out No or something. It totally gets your mind focus and your body worked up leaving you back in control.

- Self Control, its all about controlling yourself. Its hard to start with porn, but try something easier at first, like what you eat. You know you want to eat that donut but you know its bad for your body(temple of god).

[Misshalfway]

You are a young man and you are trying to stop this behavior now. That is SO good. This problem is so hard to beat. I'm sorry for that.

I don't want to make this a long post, and anyone who knows me here knows I can dialogue on this subject forever, but I'll throw out a couple of key ideas.

First, the chances of you beating this thing with only the help of a bishop are slip to none. This behavior starts messing with your brain chemistry. That's why your efforts seem fruitless.

And I STRONGLY disagree with your bishop. Bishop's generally have the best intensions but they are not therapists or addiction experts. 3 mos is NOT an adequate time to measure recovery. But don't let that discourage you. You just need to get really clear about what you are dealing with. White-knuckling for three months is NOT recovery. OK? And missions don't cure anything. It may suspend the behavior for a while but it often returns after the mission is over. And it sounds like you want more for yourself than that.

Get help. The churches addiction program is a good place to start. Go buy a few books and get educated. I can give you a few titles if you are interested. And then think seriously about getting some professional help. There is a good online program called Candeo. Here is the link. Stop Pornography Addiction to Porn | Masturbation Addiction Help. I am now working with one of the founders of the program and he claims he can help people quit in about 8 weeks. And its fairly inexpensive. Or get a local therapist that can help you work a program.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to have a heart to heart with yourself and decide how badly you really want to quit. And then you need to get courageous enough to take the steps and make recovery a priority. And if you want to serve a mission, then let that be an incentive. But don't put timelines/deadlines on yourself. Recovery doesn't work that way.

Getting help might mean involving your parents if you are still on their insurance or if you need the financial support in order to get help. Don't know where you are at on telling them, but perhaps that honesty could serve to help your recovery. Bishops can also help pay for therapy if there is a financial need.

Anyway.....if you have questions, I am available. You can beat this, but you gotta get honest and determined and you gotta be willing to get help and admit you can't do it alone. Too many guys think they can do it alone. That's the addiction talking. They don't get better. And then 5 years turns into 10 and then 20. Don't let that be you.

[Roseslipper]

Zach, I agree with all that has already been said. Its a hard habbit to kick But you can do it. Its great your talking to your Bishop, its great that your going to councseling keep it going, yes it takes time. Stop reading the things that get you excited. Habbits are hard to break but you can do it with the help system you have, the church, bishop, counseling, the church has a great addition program go to it and if you fall get up again and try again. It might be easier to talk to people who have had this problem and know how to deal with it. Alos having an opened minded spiritual person to speak too. ANd I agree this 3 month thing is not enough time u might slip and fall and u need more time to deal with this. Then go on a mission later.theres also a great book i cant think of the name geesh i know dessert sells it. please forgive my spelling lol.Theres all kinds of bad habbits and additions out there. With the help of the church etc etc Dont forget the LOrd Hes the greatest Physican of all. Im routing for you....

[Roseslipper]

ok i went to deseret books on line its called he delivered me from bondage.....there are also others great and wonderful book there go take a lookits under self help they have a on line sale if u spend 50.00 u get 10.00 off. heres the promotion code 10fconf.

[ZachBz]

First, thank you all for posting. The feedback and ideas/solutions have helped me keep my mind open showing that there might be a better way or an add-on to my current method to help fight my problem and also keeps hope in me.

Also:

-I have had communication with my parents in the past, but it had almost been negative to my progress... My parents are 'do what ever you have to do to get it done' and are almost closed minded about the situation. Both my counselor and I agree it might be for the best to keep them less informed about the situation.

-As for the temptation, it comes whenever...

I work 8 hr every week day and every so often even on breaks from work, I get such a strong temptation...

[LadyZephyr]

Zach, there is a group called the "Sons of Helaman" that is very helpful. Here is their link:

Sons of Helaman: Eternal Warriors - Conquering Morality Challenges, Pre and Post Mission

I applaud you for your honesty.

Remember that God loves you and will never forsake you.

God bless you Brother.

[Melissa569]

Well.... The problem is that you are associating sex with bad things (porn is bad). Sex as a subject on its own is never "dirt", or "filth". Its a beautiful and sacred act to be between you, and the person you are/will be married to. HOWEVER, it can be engaged in at the wrong time, in the wrong place, or with the wrong person.

And porn... You can call that dirt if you want to, lol. If you see it for what it really is, its not so interesting.

60% of those people have sexually transmitted deseases, and the others are dangerously flirting with it. Also, pretty much everyone in the film is (at the time of filming it) completely strung out on anywhere from 1 to 5 (or more) kinds of drugs, and / or totally drunk. Most of them are on anti-anxiety/depression medication too, and in therapy for the emotional problems its causing. So as I've heard in a video made by a female pastor who used to be a porn actress: "You are basically watching very sick people have fake sex-- sick mentally, emotionally, and physically."

It is fake too, because you have a camera crew standing all around with blinding lights in everyone's face, making all of them pause and re-do makeup every so often. The men are eating viagra like candy, because they are so messed up physically and mentally, they can't even have natural sex anymore. The women are badly abused, sometimes being beaten and choked or their insides are injured in other videos, without being warned about it ahead of time. Many are threatened that if they cry, or vomit (from too much drugs, alcohol, or whatever) they won't be paid. Every time you watch porn, you are supporting that abuse, because the same directors pass all the actors around.

I think the first step in getting out of a pornography addiction is to stop mentally putting legitimate / marital sex, in the same category as porn. Sex is a wonderful gift from god with someone you're married to and in love with-- porn is sick, fake, and disgusting. Plain and simple.

If you start putting them together, then sex as a whole is going to be tucked away in the back of your mind, right along with porn, as something dirty and sick. And if its back in that corner, you will start attaching all kinds of other bad things to it, like perversions. You're never going to have a happy or healthy marriage with that attitude.

Everything in its place, my friend. Sex is to be freely expressed in a loving marriage. Porn is to be thrown in the garbage can.

Edited October 1, 2010 by Melissa569

[Bini]

Not sure what the answer is but I wish you the best of luck in kicking this addiction to the curb. You can do it!