I need a little help here...

[sweetiepie]

I can't possibly give you the entire history of our marriage, but I would like to ask a question and hopefully gain some insight on a problem we are having. My husband and I have been married 13 years, we have 5 kids, 10, 8, 6, 4, and 10 mo. You would think we don't have a problem in the bedroom, but we do. Before you read on, know that I have a caring, supportive husband who besides our sexual problems, is very, very understanding, and a wonderful father.

However, the sexual issues aren't what you might think think. My husband actually doesn't want or think about sex that much at all. I know, I know, but seriously. He doesn't. A little history: We met when he was 23, I was 19. He had slipped up with a girlfriend in the past, but had repented (through the bishop) I forgave him when I found out, he was so sorrowful for hurting his future wife, it was sweet. Later we married in the temple. (Not so bluntly, but I am just quickly sharing the past here) In the beginning it was a normal amount of sex, getting to know each other sexually, ect. After I got pregnant the first time, he was a little less involved sexually, I thought, ok, pregnancy is wierd for both of us. Then throught the years and babies, it has gotten less and less.

At times it has been fine, actually, some stretches were pretty darn good actually :), but slowly he has gotten less and less interested. Meanwhile, we get along great, he is sweet, etc. I have caught him a few times (you know) but that really hasn't been a problem. He actually has gotten desensitized (his words) down there and just doesn't get in the mood that much. He really struggles to actually (go) when we have sex.

I know there is some perfomance anxiety going on, and we do have 5 young children, but I have never heard of a guy who doesn't feel like sex, like hardly ever. Most of my girlfriends, and sisters can't get their husbands off of them! It kinda makes me feel bad about myself. He says it isn't about my body image or anything, but really, I feel unattractive to him at times, and like I don't look sexy enough for him to want.

When I say little sex, I mean not even once a month. This pregnancy was the worst, and it went 5 months straight once (he was really distant).

I try to be patient, kind, to slowly get us back, but he just isn't in the mood very much. Not grumpy or unkind, just not in the mood for sex.

I am leaving so much out, yet writing so much! I guess I will wait for questions and answer as we go. I struggle with self esteem because of this, and he doesn't seem to think it is much of a problem. He gets defensive. Before you jump to conclustions, we are a normal couple, he doensn't have a pron problem ( like 4 times in our marriage, and he fesses right up). Sorry so long, just at a loss. Feel left out sexually. Women have needs too! thanks everyone.

[John11111]

Its not common for a man to have no sex drive. Talk to a doc about checking his testosterone. Testosterone is the hormone that drives libido, but it is also really important for men's health in general go with him. This might be a serious matter. He could be depressed. Has he lost interest in other things in life as well?

Its not unusual for a man libido to decrease over the years but not wanting sex ever is strange. Also read "His needs Her Needs" together one of which is the importance of sex in a marriage. There is a lot more in there about marriage and it really helps alot to understand more about eachother. I recomend that book to every couple whether they are having trouble or not as it was recomended to me and has been a GREAT GREAT read for me and my wife.

I think counseling and therapy may also be something to consider as there may be something else going on.

Edited November 29, 2010 by John11111

[FunkyTown]

You are incredibly sweet! You can tell from what you're saying that this is something that really bothers you, but you are swift to forgive and swift to try to resolve it.

He says he just 'doesn't feel' like sex. That's a possibility. It's also a possibility that he has a lot of conflicting emotions regarding it, or is simply bored with sex.

Many men maintain a rich fantasy life. It might be something as simple as wanting to dress up like the Big Bad Wolf and throw you over his shoulder or have you show up in sexy lingerie. It might be something a little more complex, or darker, or something he's embarassed about. Heck, if you're the couple who are the type to go in, turn out the lights, do the deed missionary style and then go to sleep, it may even be something as simple as trying a different position or experimenting again to find out what you like.

It's obvious you're pretty open minded, coming on here and talking about it. What I'm concerned about is him saying he just 'doesn't feel' like sex. If sex has become mechanical and staid, he might simply be bored with it. Don't think of that as you being boring and unsexy.

Have you ever stopped to talk to him about his fantasies? To find out what he likes? If he says he 'Doesn't have any', then he's just embarassed. :)

[sweetiepie]

Thanks, its nice to get some guy feedback on this. John, I did get him to go to a doctor last year for testosterone testing, and it came back fine. Doc gave him viagra, but that doesn't really help with desire issues.

Funkytown, thanks, and I think what you are saying might be part of the problem. I am very open about things in the bedroom, (except porn), however, after a baby and pregnancy, it takes me a while to feel well, sexy again. Like I want to prance around in lingerie saying, look at these stretch marks and saggy baby belly!! It is hard to feel sexy again, and when sex has been so absent, harder still.

I will work on that, because when we do have sex, he does tend to want it to be more erotic vs. the quiet missionary style. Its like he wants us to run a marathon every time we do, so there is the once a month. Who wants to run a marathon 3 times a week?

[ryanh]

Although not the norm, it is not uncommon for a woman to be frustrated with a lack of interest/drive from her husband. It's just not talked about so much as the reverse that is more socially accepted.

Get the book Resurrecting Sex by David Schnarch. You will find much understanding of the possible problems and solutions there.

[Guest]

Who wants to run a marathon 3 times a week?

Try it. It can be really fun!

[rameumptom]

Find out from your husband what kinds of things he enjoys from you, not necessarily in the sex department, but in the romance department. Some guys just are too exhausted or stressed to think about sex. But if you can help him learn to destress, relax, and enjoy the relationship, chances are his desires may increase.

[Suzanne627]

First- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You ARE sexy and his issue, though it affects you, has nothing to do with your physical body. Please DO NOT let it affect your self esteem. I know that may be hard to do. Also, keep in mind, men are visual creatures but are not very detail orientated. If you put that lingerie on, he isn't noticing your stretchmarks, even though that may be the first place your eyes go when you look in the mirror.

That is basically all I have to say on this matter. I just want to make sure that your self worth is not depleted by this issue. And running a marathon 3 times a week? If he's willling to do that, I'd say go for it. It may be difficult since you have five kids in the home, but do you ever join him in the shower? I do not know what kind of effort you are putting into it, but maybe surprise him with something unusual to get him going.

[Dravin]

I know conventional wisdom is that if you love someone you will always and forever find them sexy, but strangely you don't see that trotted out when someone complains that their spouse picks their toenails, their nose and their ears and wipes the result on the headboard, and that they only shower every third day even though they work as a septic tank pumper.

Notice what I've pointed out are behaviors. The idea that sexy = body looks a certain way is flawed. I can understand the tendency to think of it that way (and it certainly is a factor), it is what the media say and for guys being as visual as they are it has some merit but you can take two identical twins and through their behavior and other factors not related to the way they actually look one can be sexy and the other can be unsexy.

* Assuming the issue even is that he doesn't find her sexy

P.S. I am not saying there is something more she can/should do. I am also not saying that there isn't.

Edited November 29, 2010 by Dravin

[MrShorty]

A couple of books I might recommend in addition is The Sex-Starved Marriage and The Sex-Starved Wife by Michelle Weiner-Davis. From what I have read, she seems to have a good grasp of the emotional turmoil.

I struggled a little reading Dr. Schnarch's Resurrecting Sex because he is open to all kinds of relationships. However, he was perhaps the first and best at being "anti-stereotypical." That is, he actively promotes the idea that a lot (50% maybe) of couples with "desire discrepancy" are like yours: the wife has a stronger sexual desire than her husband. I might suggest reading Passionate Marriage because he focuses more on marital relationships.

I mention the idea of stereotypes, because sometimes I wonder if these stereotypes contribute to the issue. Men are stereotypically supposed to be sexual "monsters" and, when a man finds himself "ho-hum" towards sex, he may feel like he's the only man in the world with this problem. Couple the "I'm a failure as a man because I lack libido" anxiety with performance anxieties, and you've got a recipe for trouble. If you and he can get nothing else out of some these authors, realize that you are not a flawed couple or anything like that. One of the biggest things I took out of what little I read of Resurrecting Sex was Dr. Schnarch's attitude that couples who struggle with their sexuality are more "normal" than those who don't.

I might also suggest counseling. Sometimes these things are just too much to fix without outside help.

[John11111]

I agree with the above could be a much simpler problem, it may be your husband needs to run a marathon everyone has a differnet body/mindset/emotions. The book I suggested goes into this as well among other things.

It may be you are inadvertently not meeting one of his primary needs simply because you dont know it. Going through the book will help you discover all of these needs and help you as a couple to pinpoint where the problem lies ad discuss together how to better your marriage. Which could very well solve all of your problems.

Please dont ignore the suggestions on the above reading material suggested by myself and others it could very well save your marriage! You can probably pick them up at the library free, I got mine used at the bookstore for under 10$ each.

Edited November 30, 2010 by John11111

[Dravin]

BTW Sweetiepie, you are getting a lot of advice about how you might be able to change or what you can do to improve things. That isn't because you are somehow 100% responsible for your situation. It's just that you have the power to change yourself, you do not have the power to change your husband (though you can certainly influence him). Besides, as a practical matter we can't give your husband advice as he isn't here. :)

It can be easy to take the sea of responses suggesting what you can do as an assumption that he's somehow perfect and it's all your fault. Just keep in mind that isn't what people are saying (by and large, sometimes riff raff sneak in).

[Bini]

Find out from your husband what kinds of things he enjoys from you, not necessarily in the sex department, but in the romance department. Some guys just are too exhausted or stressed to think about sex. But if you can help him learn to destress, relax, and enjoy the relationship, chances are his desires may increase.

I find this to be true. I can always tell when my husband has a lot on his mind and is dealing with stress from work because he's just too mentally and physically exhausted to be intimate. Otherwise, he's always dominant in the bedroom with when and how he wants it. I think, as pointed out by others, it's important that you don't feel that you're unattractive to him. From what you've posted, he seems very much in love with you and is affectionate with you, just not as much intimately. I think talking with him about any stress he may be keeping on the "down low" is definitely something to consider. I know that my husband doesn't always unload the woes of the daily grind to me when he gets home, and sometimes he'll carry that on his shoulders and it burdens him.

[sweetiepie]

You are right, he does work very hard and comes home and gets right in and helps with the kids until bedtime. He does keep his frustrations and stress at bay, so he doesn't bring it home. I will encourage him and help him to destress more often, and I am wanting him to think of sex as a relaxing stress reliever at times as well, not more work. Thanks for your thoughtful input everyone!

[bytor2112]

I know there is some perfomance anxiety going on

Viagra. Might be anxiety and might be physical, either way this would be a confidence booster and maybe anxiety has made him avoid sex.

Edited December 1, 2010 by bytor2112

[sweetiepie]

Yes, Viagra. Well the joke in our house (he would kill me for sharing), is that he took one and it says to wait like an hour or something for it to work. Now for him at least, the Viagra doesn't turn you on, it helps your thing go up and stay up when you do decide to get turned on. So without desire, it ain't going to work. He rested on the couch to wait out the hour with me on the love seat, and I look over and he had fallen asleep. Ok, were done. So the joke is he is the only man ever to fall asleep after taking Viagra!

[bytor2112]

Yes, Viagra. Well the joke in our house (he would kill me for sharing), is that he took one and it says to wait like an hour or something for it to work. Now for him at least, the Viagra doesn't turn you on, it helps your thing go up and stay up when you do decide to get turned on. So without desire, it ain't going to work. He rested on the couch to wait out the hour with me on the love seat, and I look over and he had fallen asleep. Ok, were done. So the joke is he is the only man ever to fall asleep after taking Viagra!

Perhaps waiting on the couch is not the best way to get him interested.

[JudoMinja]

Sexual issues are often a symptom of another problem somewhere else. You mentioned he keeps his stress "off to the side", so the destressing tips are definitely important to pay attention to. Men have emotional needs as much as women. Maybe he has a hard time talking about his stress and problems. Maybe his emotional needs are not being met. If this is the case, could be your husband is one of those guys who are hard to pry open. It may seem like he's okay emotionally when he's really not, because he tries so hard to deal with it on his own and keep it to himself. It will take some extra work on your part to get him talking and destressing.

It is also important to find ways to "spark" his interest throughout the day. He won't be interested in the bedroom if you never do anything throughout the day to get him anticipating it. You know him best and know what kind of things he would like. Just be romantic and surprising. Try to think of ways to catch him off guard as well as little things you can do to provide a consistent romantic flow.

[sweetiepie]

Perhaps waiting on the couch is not the best way to get him interested.

Haha, good point! I was gun-shy then, getting better!

[Jazok]

sweetiepie, my wife and I have seriously mismatched libidos with her having close to none. I've learned that people who haven't experienced this have no idea how crushing this is; how much it eats away at you; over time you will feel like it's destroying your soul. (Before anyone writes and pontificates; if you haven't been through this, please don't.) One thing that still startles me is the pain and jealousy of hearing about couples with fulfilling sex lives.

The problem is that the lower libido spouse rarely sees the problem at all and often simply sees sex as just a fun thing--they attach no meaning to it. Ironically, in many ways this makes the issue all the more painful (because your spouse simply doesn't and can't empathize with you.) This is very important: the lower libido spouse may say they understand and think they do, but they don't.

With this in mind, if you don't start handling the issue directly, it will destroy your marriage. It is very embarrassing to say that your marriage is unraveling because of lack of intimacy (I chose that word deliberately since that's what it is, not simply the lack of sexual congress) but that is the reality. Expect to be severely judged by those who don't understand the issue and expect advise from the silly to the extremely offensive from well meaning people, including church leaders.

I can't say counseling will work since my wife and I are going tomorrow for the first time after years of her resisting (often very angrily.) She's convinced it won't do any good and she's probably right, but my motivation isn't to fix her, but to help me regain my sanity.

My point here isn't to scare you per se, but to advise you to find professional help and start working on this now before your marriage is about to end as mine is.

(Several people here have advised being more erotic, for lack of a better word. While this is good advise for sexually healthy relationships it may be very hurtful and damaging since you will likely still be rejected and your spouse may grow resentful.

And, Viagra, Cialis and Levitra don't give you more desire by themselves; they simply increase blood flow to the penis. For those of us struggling with ED, they may give desire since they help remove the mental stress of performance. Unfortunately, they all give me a headache and work only sporadically. My wife often does or says something to destroy the mood and add the stress back.)

Edited December 2, 2010 by Jazok
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[sweetiepie]

Thank you Jazok, you truly know the feelings I have had, it is hard to overcome the rejection at times, for a man or a woman. I feel it is especially hard being a woman, since you just don't hear about it that much being the man with the lack of libido. But I think you and I share the same feelings.

[Gwen]

The problem is that the lower libido spouse rarely sees the problem at all and often simply sees sex as just a fun thing--they attach no meaning to it. Ironically, in many ways this makes the issue all the more painful (because your spouse simply doesn't and can't empathize with you.) This is very important: the lower libido spouse may say they understand and think they do, but they don't.

i'd like to comment on this. having been in the shoes of the lower libido spouse i can say that's not entirely true. especially if there was a normal (or greater) libido at some point. some are very aware there is a problem and that they are the problem. it hurts and makes things worse. it intensifies the sexual anxiety. if the problem is physical it can't be fixed by will power. doesn't matter how much you want to want your spouse it won't happen. may not be able to relate to the other spouse (any more than the other spouse can relate to them) but that doesn't mean they can't see the pain it causes. knowing you cause your spouse pain only adds to things. makes you feel useless, worthless, horrible. and yes the lower libido spouse can be just as jealous of hearing of other couples and ppl with normal healthy sex lives. if you go looking for an answer you get hit with all these scriptures and things about what a great gift sex is to a couple, and how it's sacred, and all this stuff but it was taken from you. what did you do so wrong to deserve this? why aren't you allowed to be like everyone else?

i guess my point is sometimes compassion is needed on both sides. the one "going without" may not be the only one in pain.

[ryanh]

Sweetiepie, you are far from the only one to have experienced chronic rejection from a spouse. Even on this forum system. While at least publicly the majority of complaints come from men, this is by no means a man's problem only. I can think of at least three female posters on these forums within the last year with a very similar frustration to yours.

It is extremely damaging. So many assume that interest in sex comes naturally to all. And, if it isn't coming naturally, that there is probably something else in life killing the drive. That can be the case, but it not always the issue. Sometimes, it is just that a person doesn't have a natural drive. And it is very frustrating when the low libido partner isn't as self-aware as Gwen. As Schnarch points out in Passionate Marriage (which I wouldn't suggest for your particular situation), the person with the low desire (whether it be for sex, recreation, etc) is often the powerholder in the situation. That usually adds insult to injury.

President Kimball once referred to the main reason for divorce in the church being sexual incompatibility. It's huge. Don't just wait for it to go away or resolve itself. It won't. Given your presumed aged based on length of marriage, it's only going to get more difficult for you! Keep seeking solutions, including a sex therapist.

[Gwen]

As Schnarch points out in Passionate Marriage (which I wouldn't suggest for your particular situation), the person with the low desire (whether it be for sex, recreation, etc) is often the powerholder in the situation. That usually adds insult to injury.

i have a question about this, sorry if it seems off topic. is that really true or is it a perceived power? i know i felt pretty powerless. i wonder if the entire situation is one that just becomes so complicated that no one has power. both ppl feel the other has the power. which builds hurt and resentment which only complicate things and create new problems. does teaching that the other person is the one with power over you only adding to the difficulty of the situation. instead shouldn't the approach be more compassionate? reminding that both alone are powerless to fix it. it's only working together that either of you gain power.

the sexual relationship is linked to fertility. when it comes to fertility it's not "mine" and "yours". it's "ours". yes the woman carries the baby but she can't have one without the man. it's a joint situation. if it's "yours" and "mine" then there is a blame game which creates a power struggle where there shouldn't be one. you can't solve fertility problems till you view it jointly, take back your power as a couple. is that a fair comparison to the sexual relationship as a whole?

[MorningStar]

I think it is especially hard on women to be the one rejected. Guys grow up being told that women want it less. Women grow up hearing that men want it all the time. For your husband not to be interested in it can really confuse a woman and make her feel like there's something wrong with her because aren't men supposed to always be in the mood?

I have heard that pornography addiction can actually lower a man's sex drive when it comes to being with his wife. He gets desensitized to it and has trouble performing. Sweetiepie, I have no idea if that is an issue with your husband or not, but if it is, that is something to talk to him about. A loved one of mine was very hurt because her husband needed viagra to be with her, but his body works just fine when looking at pornography, which tells her that it's not a medical problem, but a psychological one. It's a like a drug. One drug doesn't do it anymore, so the addict goes for harder drugs because what he first tried isn't giving them the same effect.

Whatever the problem is, I hope you guys will be able to work it out. :)