Getting Sealed in a few weeks...Red Flags

[SwordofLaban]

Important insight shared by ryanh and mormonmusic. Truly, thank you. The notion that my Bishop wants to remain "neutral" in a sense is also a very accurate depiction. However, he was the individual that brought up the notion of serving a mission and how that may effect things. Heck, the whole premise that I am seeking help from strangers on an internet forum is very telling of my level of confidence in our current relationship. When it comes down to it, I am going to have to make the hard choice and accept it. Oh, the burdens of adulthood!

I thank everyone for the support they have been giving me thus far, it is truly much appreciated.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think the mission thing is a valid way out....and if she won't stick around until you're done....well, perhaps she did a favor to the situation. I had a girl who loved me, and she stuck it out the whole mission. I had no question about her commitment.

Whatever you decide, I'd love to hear the outcome, and provide any thoughts about the aftermath or even support -- if you are so inclined. If not -- best of luck.

[SwordofLaban]

I think the mission thing is a valid way out....and if she won't stick around until you're done....well, perhaps she did a favor to the situation. I had a girl who loved me, and she stuck it out the whole mission. I had no question about her commitment.

Whatever you decide, I'd love to hear the outcome, and provide any thoughts about the aftermath or even support -- if you are so inclined. If not -- best of luck.

Thank you. I will fast, ponder, and pray about this these next few days and will definitely let everyone here know what happens. I am very much appreciative for the counsel I have been given here.

EDIT DUE TO FOLLOW-UP:

I have discussed going on a mission with my fiance and she says she supports me 100%. We are meeting with our Bishop this weekend and will talk this, as well as everything else, over. I do believe that this is the route I am going to take. On another note, after talking with her I've picked up on that she does not want the tenor of the relationship between her and her parents to change. Since the wedding is almost guaranteed to be off anyways, due to my mission, I will continue to monitor the situation carefully and ultimately probably end up letting her go if such a mindset is still present as time goes on. It is certainly not healthy! I know for many of you my reactions might seem harsh, however, I want a life centered on the Gospel and I do not know how that will happen if she is so dependent on the direction of her non-member (and Church-hostile) family members.

Edited December 17, 2010 by SwordofLaban

[Elphaba]

I'm an ex-Mormon and even I think you should go on the mission; however, I don't think your mission should be a way to postpone the wedding.

I don't doubt you'd put your heart and soul into it. It's just that if the wedding should be postponed, it should be postponed whether you go on a mission or not.

Regarding a marriage with your fiance, I liked Loudmouth's list possible outcomes, and would include:

5. Your fiance realizes how toxic her relationship with her parents is to her relationship with you, and does everything she can to learn how to remedy that.

6. Her relationship with her parents doesn't change, yet you learn it is something you must accept, and then let it go, not wasting any more of your energy on something you can't change. Giving up on that improves your relationship with your wife.

7. Her parents realize, after some time, that you are a good, decent husband and father, and that their daughter was very lucky to have found you, and thus, your relationship with them changes for the better.

Ultimately, your choice, and how you choose to live with that choice, can open up a myriad of other possibilities--some good, some bad, some neither.

I'm not one to believe in "What's meant to be," but I do believe in facing reality, and recognizing when the circumstances mean something is NOT meant to be. Whatever your decision, I think that's exactly what you've done, and have been brave to do so.

(Go on a mission! :))

Elphaba

[SwordofLaban]

Follow-Up:

Hello, everyone! I just wanted to give y'all a quick update on my situation. I am going on a Mission. I will leave a year from today, to allow me to get my education and finances in order. Going on a mission is something that I've always wanted to do, ever since I was baptised a few years ago. I cannot wait!

As far as my engagement situation...the wedding has been officially cancelled. Right now, until we get our financial situation figured out, we are somewhere between "engaged" and "single." This will be cleared up after we have figured out how to deal with our newly-signed lease and other things we need to get in order. I feel it is better to get this items in order before we discuss just exactly what our relationship will be moving forward, to avoid bitterness and further problems.

Thank you, everyone, for your input and counsel.

[MarginOfError]

follow-up:

Hello, everyone! I just wanted to give y'all a quick update on my situation. I am going on a mission. I will leave a year from today, to allow me to get my education and finances in order. Going on a mission is something that i've always wanted to do, ever since i was baptised a few years ago. I cannot wait!

As far as my engagement situation...the wedding has been officially cancelled. Right now, until we get our financial situation figured out, we are somewhere between "engaged" and "single." this will be cleared up after we have figured out how to deal with our newly-signed lease and other things we need to get in order. I feel it is better to get this items in order before we discuss just exactly what our relationship will be moving forward, to avoid bitterness and further problems.

Thank you, everyone, for your input and counsel.

whoooooo hoooooo!!!!!

[Just_A_Guy]

This will be cleared up after we have figured out how to deal with our newly-signed lease and other things we need to get in order.

Better to spend a hundred bucks talking to a tenant's rights lawyer, than a few thousand bucks on a year's lease for an apartment you won't use.

[rameumptom]

I think you are making some good choices right now in your life. I wish more people (young and old) did the same thing. Choosing from a stance of faith and wisdom is a better thing than from emotion or fear.

[mrmarklin]

Her attitude in deferring to her parents all the time is a very big red flag. This won't end after you're married unless there is a lot of distance.

Also the fact that you are confused and miserable is another red flag.

When the Lord has put His seal of approval on something, there is no misery.

I think you have your answers, you just don't know how to back out gracefully.

[Backroads]

Her attitude in deferring to her parents all the time is a very big red flag. This won't end after you're married unless there is a lot of distance.

Now I know this debate has pretty much been settled, but there is something that has been on my mind throughout this thread--nothing directly related to it, but something that a few mind jumps and skips brought on.

A few people have said that you shouldn't listen to parent's opinions on a relationship, and I think we all agree that there have to be boundaries between child and parent.

However, is it a really, really bad thing to at some point tell someone you do not think a relationship is good for him/her? Don't nag about it: Say it once, and then hold your peace and realize it's ultimately up to the individual and you've but shared your thoughts for consideration.

I guess one saying "I told you so" is better than the other person saying "You should have told me."

[Wingnut]

A few people have said that you shouldn't listen to parent's opinions on a relationship, and I think we all agree that there have to be boundaries between child and parent.

I don't think that anyone has said that a person shouldn't listen to their parents' opinions on relationships. People are saying that in this situation, the girl is very co-dependent on her parents, and she needs to break from that toxicity and make her own decisions.

[Backroads]

I don't think that anyone has said that a person shouldn't listen to their parents' opinions on relationships. People are saying that in this situation, the girl is very co-dependent on her parents, and she needs to break from that toxicity and make her own decisions.

I know. I tried to make it as unrelated and as general as possible. Just something that has been on my mind.

[Guest]

Now I know this debate has pretty much been settled, but there is something that has been on my mind throughout this thread--nothing directly related to it, but something that a few mind jumps and skips brought on.

A few people have said that you shouldn't listen to parent's opinions on a relationship, and I think we all agree that there have to be boundaries between child and parent.

However, is it a really, really bad thing to at some point tell someone you do not think a relationship is good for him/her? Don't nag about it: Say it once, and then hold your peace and realize it's ultimately up to the individual and you've but shared your thoughts for consideration.

I guess one saying "I told you so" is better than the other person saying "You should have told me."

I believe that a parent has the right/obligation to advice their children on their choice of spouse.

I also believe that the child has the right/obligation to heed the advice or not depending on how the child analysis of the situation.

[SwordofLaban]

Another update for everyone here. Today my ex-fiance and I officially parted ways. After having both prayed for a confirmation, and having both received such, we mutually decided that it was for the best to end our romantic relationship. We both expressed that we felt good about the decision.

I will report to the MTC January 2012, after I graduate college in December 2011.

Thanks everyone, once again, for their support and insights.

[ryanh]

Thank you for the update. Its sad to hear that a planned wedding didn't work out. I'm sure there are lots of difficult emotions accompanying that decision. I feel confident that in 5 or 10 years from now, looking back at the whole situation, you will be very glad your choices led you to go on a mission.

[Backroads]

Good luck and happiness to both of you. I believe it will all work out.

[IAmTheWork]

Another update for everyone here. ... I will report to the MTC January 2012, after I graduate college in December 2011.

As I said elsewhere, I chose not to go on a mission for various reasons at the time. While I don't regret getting married and having four wonderful children (now all grown up) I do regret getting married for the wrong reasons.

Enjoy your freedom, and the freedom of your mission too. By which I mean not that marriage is a ball and chain deal, but when you have ties and family responsibilities you'll love yourself more for having taken the time to focus on the present during your single years. Making good choices means few resentments later on.

[LDSChristian]

Brothers and Sisters I am getting married in a few weeks...and I am terrified.

My fiance and I are set to be sealed together in the Temple in about 3 weeks. However, both of us are miserable. Now don't get me wrong, we aren't miserable with each other per say, but my deteriorating relationship with her parents (and her emotional, and decision-making dependance on her parents) are causing us great problems.

You see, she comes from a part-member family (her dad being very open about his disapproval of the Church) and her mother is inactive. Of course, we have been getting backlash from her parents about the Temple...but it goes farther then that. Her father thinks that the Church and I are trying to control every aspect of her life...and has go so far as to tell me that he is not happy that I am entering into his family.

I am worried about our relationship. My fiance still seeks out her parents' approval for virtually everything, in fact I feel that in many ways she puts her parents' input over mine when we make decisions in regards to our marriage. Going further, she seems to always express to them and seek comfort from them when we have disagreements; which in turn creates even more resentment of me by them.

I am worried what this means for our future family. Are these red flags that I should heed? I am currently seeking advice from our Bishop but would like to her from others as well. I do not feel like I can talk to many people about this...I have been told by my fiance's father that I am not to talk to her about this because it will only upset her and that if I upset her I will be visited by him in the middle of the night. However, I have talked to her about this but we haven't come to any real conclusion.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am completely miserable right now.

Actually there's not really much to worry about compared to this couple in our ward that had a problem at one time. This guy & girl was in YSA, was because now they're married so yea they're both out of YSA, and started dating. The girl's a convert and her parents aren't members. In fact they're kind of anti-. Her parents weren't supportive of the relationship at all and the fact that they knew they wouldn't be allowed to see their daughter's wedding didn't help either. Her dad even threatened to take her car away if she had a temple wedding. Nonetheless the couple put up with the situation and still got married in the temple and are now happy. You and your fiance need to just put your faith in the Lord and with Him everything will work out. Also, if her dad threatens you again, regardless of him being a member if he is, call the cops. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Here is my thoughts:

It is good that you are serving your mission. I honestly regret not having to serve mine. It pains me greatly when I hear about someone who talks about their mission, how wonderful it was. My wife is the only member in her family and the only one who served a mission. We talk about her mission all the time, and I confided into her that I wished I had gone on my mission.

Second thoughts:

Get the DVD One Good Man and invite her parents and your bride-to-be over for a FHE and watch it as a family.

Maybe this will help you out with your relationship with the In-Laws.

Keep this in mind, this may not be the right time for you to marry someone. Serving your mission is going to afford you greater blessings and opportunities that you will otherwise miss.