Long Distance Relationship...

[just_girl]

Okay, so the BF and i have quite the LDR - he's in Utah and i'm in Illinois. He's a member, i'm not. i'm completely interested in converting, but the BF wants me to wait and go through the process with him. This is frustrating to me! When i'm curious about things, i want to dive head-long into them... i have been around long enough to know that i'm interested in the possibility of converting, but having to wait is just making me frustrated about everything!

He doesn't want me asking for the missionaries to contact me or going to the local ward (it is 20 miles away, but ...)... He wants to be completely in on the entire process and share the experience with me. While i'm thankful for his interest, i simply want to get things moving...

Furthermore - with the whole not going to the ward, thing... he's taking me to my first Sacrament Meeting in January - but it won't be at the ward closest to me... we are staying in the city that weekend and it will be to one of those wards. This stresses me out because if I do end up going to the local ward, i won't recognize anyone and, well, since i'm not probably ever going to be back at the ward in the city, what's the point of going? (Aside, i know, of letting me experience what it is like to attend service on Sunday... and that is a lot, but it wont be like i'm going somewhere i could potentially attend regularly...)

Sighs... is this normal? Do SO's usually want to be part of the whole process? i'm not sure what he thinks he would get out of seeing me go through the lessons, though i'm sure someone can find a new understanding or something every time they are presented with the information...

i'm just frustrated. We have a great, communicative relationship and are extremely open with one another, but this one area just keeps coming up in the back of my mind and i dont understand it.

i'm sure there will be more questions as time goes along... and more excitement, too, as his late January visit lumes even closer... but for now, i can't get this out of my mind.

[mrmarklin]

Doesn't sound very normal to me. I'd view all this as a big time red flag.

[captmoroniRM]

Honestly, if you are wanting to learn about the Church and its teachings, you shouldn't let him stop you. If he's stopping you from going through with it, that is rather odd. While it is commendable that he wants to be there, it sounds like he wants to be there for his own benefit, when it should be about you seeking for truth.

If you are sincerely interested in learning about the Church, do it. He is the "unnecessary" variable in the equation. In the end, he shouldn't influence your decision to join the Church. It should be a decision between you and your Heavenly Father. And if he really loves and supports you, he'll understand your desire to do it. If not, consider his reasoning why. In the absolute worst case scenario, you find truth that will forever change your life for the better and end up free to find someone will foster your thirst for truth and light rather than inhibit it.

Ponder on the words of Matthew in the New Testament:

34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

[Guest Godless]

Decisions regarding religion should be made by you and you alone. No one else can dictate that for you. If you want to start the conversion process now, do it. If you want to attend your local ward, do it. It's understandable that he would want to be there while you go through this process, but he needs to understand that the most desirable course of action isn't always the best. You need to go through this process on your terms, not his. If he can't respect that, then you may need to take a long, hard look at your relationship with him.

[just_girl]

Thanks for the replies everyone... i guess i don't really see this as a 'red flag', so to speak, but more as just a frustration. i know that he has reasons for wanting me to wait - not wanting me to rush into things and such, but... i dont know. i guess i thought that, when i brought up the idea of converting, he would be completely gung-ho and want me to go for it, rather than asking me to wait until we are together (which probably won't be until after we are married)....

i know that he has some church issues that need to be taken care of and think that perhaps that is why he wants me to wait, i'm not sure... i just know that i want, more than anything, to start the entire process. Who's to say that i wont get part way in and realize this really ISN'T what i'm supposed to do? Then what? What if we are already married - then we have a whole seperate basket of issues to deal with.

i'm sorry to keep going 'round and 'round. There's just not anyone else that i can really talk to about this... Having grown up in the Community of Christ (RLDS) church, most of my friends and family are staunchly against my even CONSIDERING converting... sighs... Maybe i should just be patient and wait until we are together. i mean, as a woman, shouldn't i be willing to allow him to take the lead in spiritual matters that will effect our family? This is all so confusing to me!!! UGH!!! Sorry!!

[Guest Godless]

as a woman, shouldn't i be willing to allow him to take the lead in spiritual matters that will effect our family?

Simply put, no. That's not how relationships are supposed to work, let alone marriages.

If you feel that now is the time to explore your beliefs, then there's absolutely no reason to wait. You're the only person who knows what's best for you, especially in spiritual matters.

[Wingnut]

Having friends, family, and fellowship is important as you go through the learning process, but your boyfriend doesn't have to be the only person who can fulfill those things, and in he fact, shouldn't be. He should be encouraging you to learn and grow. He is retarding your spiritual growth and exercising his Priesthood unrighteously. I would be very cautious about considering a serious relationship or a future with someone who has clear control issues.

[rameumptom]

Is a "just" a boyfriend, or are you engaged?

I think the decision is yours. Invite him into portions of the experience where he can be involved. But you need to move forward on your schedule, not his. Call the missionaries, and then let him know how each meeting goes. He'll adapt.

[ryanh]

He'll adapt.

And if he doesn't adapt, then that is a good indicator that he does not yet have the skills necessary for a marriage relationship.

[Gwen]

Okay, so the BF and i have quite the LDR - he's in Utah and i'm in Illinois. He's a member, i'm not. i'm completely interested in converting, but the BF wants me to wait and go through the process with him. This is frustrating to me! When i'm curious about things, i want to dive head-long into them... i have been around long enough to know that i'm interested in the possibility of converting, but having to wait is just making me frustrated about everything!

He doesn't want me asking for the missionaries to contact me or going to the local ward (it is 20 miles away, but ...)... He wants to be completely in on the entire process and share the experience with me. While i'm thankful for his interest, i simply want to get things moving...

Furthermore - with the whole not going to the ward, thing... he's taking me to my first Sacrament Meeting in January - but it won't be at the ward closest to me... we are staying in the city that weekend and it will be to one of those wards. This stresses me out because if I do end up going to the local ward, i won't recognize anyone and, well, since i'm not probably ever going to be back at the ward in the city, what's the point of going? (Aside, i know, of letting me experience what it is like to attend service on Sunday... and that is a lot, but it wont be like i'm going somewhere i could potentially attend regularly...)

Sighs... is this normal? Do SO's usually want to be part of the whole process? i'm not sure what he thinks he would get out of seeing me go through the lessons, though i'm sure someone can find a new understanding or something every time they are presented with the information...

i'm just frustrated. We have a great, communicative relationship and are extremely open with one another, but this one area just keeps coming up in the back of my mind and i dont understand it.

i'm sure there will be more questions as time goes along... and more excitement, too, as his late January visit lumes even closer... but for now, i can't get this out of my mind.

if i had to guess he could be doing one of several things.

he's worried if you start looking on your own you will come across some anti stuff and be put off before the questions can be answered.

he's worried you will meet some members who aren't the best representatives of the church and be turned off.

he's worried you are joining just for him and somehow his being involved he can stop that and make sure you have a "real" testimony.

honestly no matter what it is i do see it as a red flag. sounds like he's being rather controlling about the whole thing and not trusting you to make a decision about your faith. the question becomes what other ways will this present itself? will it get worse once you are married and you are "his"?

my advise is make sure once you make the decision to get married live in the same city and continue courting for a yr or so. make sure you know him very well. also get to know his family, not see them once or twice, but get to know them. look at his parents marriage, that will tell you a lot about how he views things.

[Guest mirancs8]

That just screams "control" to me. Don't let him try to control/manipulate your progress forward in your own life. Some people can do that and it's not that they mean harm they just like to control situations. I say go with what you feel. There is nothing wrong with diving head first as long as you've got a good helmet on lol! You obviously know what you want.

But my question to you is do you feel the strong desire to convert because you see an obvious future with him? Do you think that if you start now at least in a year you both can plan to be sealed in the Temple? Would your desire be as strong if he wasn't even in the picture?

Please ask yourself these questions. Don't feel like you have to answer them here, but I suggest you make sure you're strong desires are for your own advancement and not because of him.

[just_girl]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. It seems as though I have some thinking to do. My main question was to know if this was normal behavior or not and it seems as though it is not. Sighs. I'm currently in an area where I can only access from my phone and cannot give a more detailed reply... I'm sorry. I will be pondering your opinions over the next few days and will certainly be responding more in-depth when I return back to a civilized world.

Thanks again! Any further opinions would be greatly appreciated. I feel kind of alone in this dilemma.

[just_girl]

Just me again...

So the conversations about church have really ceased in our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I know he has some church issues to deal with (I mentioned that vaguely already, but... well... they are fairly major, too, I think).... I did pin him down and found out that part of the reason he wants me to hold back is because he would love to be the one that baptizes me, and that he wouldn't feel right doing that right now knowing the things he is dealing with in regards to the church. It just wouldn't be right, he says.

I know i'm being horridly vague. I honestly am just not sure what to do. Yes, he is very controlling, but it isn't something that bothers me at all. Would i be so interested in actively converting and whatnot if I wasn't involved with him - probably not. There is something about the possibility of spending eternity with the one you love that is too enticing to not consider a possibility. Maybe i'm just admitting that my motivations aren't completely pure, I dont know.

Please don't hate me! I'm just trying to figure all of this out.

[Guest mirancs8]

Please no one is going to hate you for trying to figure stuff out. It takes a lot of strength. Sometimes when you talk things out it helps the answer to come to you. So if we can lend an ear and some personal advice from experience I think it's a great way to get different opinions.

I just think it's selfish of him to hold you back from pursuing your spiritual path. Since you feel it could very well be because of him it's more of a reason to go through this without him controlling every step you take. Learning and experiencing the church is a period you can take all the time you need. This is an important decision in your life so you want to be sure it's for you not him.

[Gwen]

Just me again...

So the conversations about church have really ceased in our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I know he has some church issues to deal with (I mentioned that vaguely already, but... well... they are fairly major, too, I think).... I did pin him down and found out that part of the reason he wants me to hold back is because he would love to be the one that baptizes me, and that he wouldn't feel right doing that right now knowing the things he is dealing with in regards to the church. It just wouldn't be right, he says.

I know i'm being horridly vague. I honestly am just not sure what to do. Yes, he is very controlling, but it isn't something that bothers me at all. Would i be so interested in actively converting and whatnot if I wasn't involved with him - probably not. There is something about the possibility of spending eternity with the one you love that is too enticing to not consider a possibility. Maybe i'm just admitting that my motivations aren't completely pure, I dont know.

Please don't hate me! I'm just trying to figure all of this out.

sounds like he needs to worry about sorting out his own issues rather than stopping you from moving forward to make a decision of your own. is he hoping being with you in the process will sort out his issues?

all that said the part i put in bold i think needs to be looked at. what other ways is he controlling? why doesn't it bother you? that's fine if it works for yall but you need to really understand the why's. if you accept it because of some immaturity on your part and one day you grow up that's going to cause issues toward the goal of an eternal marriage. do you really understand in what ways this behavior will come out? are you ready for that? what will you do when he wants to control something that you are not willing to give?

[Guest]

Just me again...

So the conversations about church have really ceased in our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I know he has some church issues to deal with (I mentioned that vaguely already, but... well... they are fairly major, too, I think).... I did pin him down and found out that part of the reason he wants me to hold back is because he would love to be the one that baptizes me, and that he wouldn't feel right doing that right now knowing the things he is dealing with in regards to the church. It just wouldn't be right, he says.

I know i'm being horridly vague. I honestly am just not sure what to do. Yes, he is very controlling, but it isn't something that bothers me at all. Would i be so interested in actively converting and whatnot if I wasn't involved with him - probably not. There is something about the possibility of spending eternity with the one you love that is too enticing to not consider a possibility. Maybe i'm just admitting that my motivations aren't completely pure, I dont know.

Please don't hate me! I'm just trying to figure all of this out.

We're trying to help... although, this is the internet, and we don't really know your boyfriend so take everything we say with caution.

I am more worried about what I bolded above. Being LDS is not a casual thing. It is a life-changing process with serious repercussions. This decision in your life should be separate from your boyfriend. I was already married when I converted. My husband was completely "hands off" with the process. He wants to be sure that he is not the only reason that I want to investigate the church. And, more importantly, he wants to be sure that he is not the reason that I asked to be baptized. He didn't even baptize me. I personally requested my favorite missionary to baptize me. He did not teach me unless I asked him a question directly. He left it up to the missionaries and the ward members (home teachers) to do.

If we ever get separated/divorced (highly unlikely), it will not change my relationship with my Heavenly Father. This is very important.

And yes, you need to be concerned about the control issues. You say it doesn't bother you now - well, that's because you're in a long distance relationship. When the time comes that you have to live with him in the same house, it would be a very big problem.

[SuzyQ7879]

I am a member who married a nonmember and I would have loved him to take the discussions on his own.....that way I would know he wasn't leaning on my testimony.

That being said......he spent 4 years attending church and going through bunches of missionaires before deciding to be baptized. When I asked him why it took so long he said because he had to get to the point that anything ever happened to me or our kids, he would still go.

So ask yourself this......if we were not together would I still get out of bed on and go to church?

Also, JUMP IN ALREADY!!!! You are never going to know either way if you don't start finding out. It's like trying a new food that everyone says you'll like but you've never had it. You are just staring at saying....."well, it looks good....but what if it makes me sick.....everyone else says it's good....but what if it tastes funny...." Just take a bite and you'll have your answer!

Oh, and if he doesn't understand the need for you do this on your own.....dump him. I don't mean to be harsh but you will only be setting yourself up for heartache.

[just_girl]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone... I understand the concerns you all are expressing and, while I'm sure things will be okay, I just need to figure out what is going on. The longer we are together, the longer I realize he is not a 'typical' Mormon in any regard. I wonder if perhaps forgetting the entire conversion process is what is best for now and just figure out our relationship quirks.

I'm sorry I can't go into more detail - there is SOOOOOOOOO much more to the story, but I just don't feel like I can give many more details without completely corrupting everyone and being banned from the site because of how things are.

In short, I'm probably no closer to converting now than I was when this thread started - if anything, I'm further away. Is it so bad that I want the eternal family, but if being with him means that doesn't happen, then I'm okay with that? Sighs... I suppose I'm picking him, in a way, over Heavenly Father - which doesn't sound good at all. Ugh. This is all so incredibly confusing!!

But honestly, thanks so much for all the advice. You are all completely right about some things, I just need to figure out what direction this whole thing is going to go. I really wish I had a good friend that was Mormon and that I trusted and could get some sound advice from without judgement, but I guess that is too much to ask for, right? :)

[just_girl]

Wow, not a single response... so much for this being a helpful site...

That's okay - figured out even more about him today and am totally confused as to what to do now. No one cares, though, so I wont go into details... maybe i can just delete this whole line of talk... no sense in leaving it out there for no reason....

Ugh... so... very.... frustrated....

[Wingnut]

Wow, not a single response... so much for this being a helpful site...

Your immediate previous post sounded more like a rambling of sorting out your thoughts than like something that would elicit a response. Sometimes people just think through their issues on the forums, but aren't necessarily looking for a response. That's a little how that post came across.

[Guest]

Not really sure what we can say... You can't divulge much details so we can't really say anything else besides the ones already mentioned. In summary:

1. We believe in God, the Almighty Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that Joseph Smith saw the Father and the Son and that he was given the power to restore sacred truths in the gospel. We believe that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. We believe that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God today. Do you believe this? Do you understand this as true regardless of what your boyfriend believes? If your boyfriend leaves you or the church and becomes a Baptist, would you still believe this? If the answer is yes, then go to the missionaries and ask them to arrange for a baptism. If your boyfriend attends, great.

There are waaaayyyy too many things you have to accomplish before you can even qualify to attend the temple and be sealed to a husband. You are putting the cart before the horse if your only reason to be baptized is to be with your boyfriend forever. Study, pray, love God. That's all we can say to help you here.

2. Your relationship with your boyfriend doesn't sound healthy to us. There's nothing we can do to help you here because we don't know your boyfriend and you can't divulge details. If you want advice, I will tell you now... You are not ready to take this relationship to a higher level. Your posts hint of an immaturity that will prove destructive to your future with a man who is not ready to take on that responsibility of caring for anybody else. Your boyfriend needs to take care of himself first and you have some growing up to do.

Good luck.

[slamjet]

Wow, not a single response... so much for this being a helpful site...

That's okay - figured out even more about him today and am totally confused as to what to do now. No one cares, though, so I wont go into details... maybe i can just delete this whole line of talk... no sense in leaving it out there for no reason....

Ugh... so... very.... frustrated....

Uhm, excuse me? This whole thread is full of advice that you must not be reading very carefully. Quite honestly, what more is there to say when:

1) You openly hold back information

2) The information you do give paints a portrait of bad times ahead.

3) You seem to not really be taking what advice is being imparted to you.

So let me break it down for you:

1) Taking the lessons and joining is a personal journey. For someone to ask you to put it off for them is a purely selfish act that needs to be examined closely by you.

2) The reasons you give for your interest in joining will only end in failure. You're not committed to learning and praying about this church. Confirmation from God about your life's direction is important no matter what you are doing. Choosing a church is no less important a decision to take before our maker.

3) YOU need to examine what you want. YOU need to make the decision. YOU need to pray about it. YOU need to decide to sit down with the missionaries and take the lessons. YOU need to follow through with what you decide. Because it it YOU who will be dealing with the consequences, either good or bad.

4) WE can only give advice with the information we have at hand, it will be incomplete. WE cannot make any of these decisions for you. WE can answer questions and be a cheerleader squad, not much more than that. WE post on this forum not only for our own edification, but the edification of others.

5) The reason why we feel the need to share experiences, questions and advice is because we feel it leads to a more informed, well rounded life. This forum is just one tool in our arsenal of education tools. We reserve the right and give others the same courtesy to take and leave what we wish. To make demands of this forum is counter to it's intent.

So with that, I surmise that you can tell us all kinds more information, but the advice will still be the same, because from what we know, the issues will not change.

[pam]

Wow, not a single response... so much for this being a helpful site...

That's okay - figured out even more about him today and am totally confused as to what to do now. No one cares, though, so I wont go into details... maybe i can just delete this whole line of talk... no sense in leaving it out there for no reason....

Ugh... so... very.... frustrated....

I'm confused. You post this after thanking everyone for their responses. You apologized about being so vague. And then you ungratefully whine about not a single response when there were numerous responses.

This site is very helpful. But people can only respond to what they are told.

[Guest mark01234]

Establish an effective communication channel

The very first thing that you must do in a long distance relationship is to establish an effective communication channel.Surprise your partner

Occasionally surprise you partner with cards, gifts, letter and flower out of their expectation apart from your normal correspondence.

[slamjet]

Establish an effective communication channel

The very first thing that you must do in a long distance relationship is to establish an effective communication channel.Surprise your partner

Occasionally surprise you partner with cards, gifts, letter and flower out of their expectation apart from your normal correspondence.

Ok, this dude has plagiarized every post he's posted thus far. This ones from naraland.com forum. He needs to be banned.