the aftermath of a confession.

[Guest saintish]

Hello all. I am new to this site. I was hoping that i might be able to get some honest opinions and good advice in a confidential setting on this site. After reading my story it should be clear why a forum such as this is the best place for that.

I joined the church when i was 13 and was more or less active until i left for college. I did not serve a mission. mostly because of a once in a lifetime scholarship that i received, but that is not the issue at hand.

As i said i did not go on a mission and while i was in college i attended a family ward. i commuted 40 mins every day to college. my college was in the same town as the closest YSA branch and institute. so i did not want to drive there on sunday as i was poor and gas was expensive. I did however attend institute between classes during the week.

During my senior year of college my testimony of the church grew incredibly strong. I was called to be a clerk in my ward and went to the temple for my endowment (by my request and after convincing both my bishop and stake president that i was ready) at the age of 22.

about a month before i graduated, I met the most amazing girl at institute. She was an investigator. Our relationship blossomed and we became very close. We fell in love and unfortunately I gave in to my human nature and I committed the sin of fornication. I promptly confessed my transgression the next sunday and there was going to be a stake disciplinary counsel.

At the counsel i was given formal probation, no sacrament for 3 months, no use of the priesthood for 6. only one of the high counselors was not there, he also happened to be the institute director.

My girlfriend, who was now my fiance would later be baptized. I cannot describe how it pained me that i was not able to baptize and confirm her. in any case in one of her new member lesson she found out that someone had told the missionaries details about what had happened between me and my fiance. Her testimony of the church was greatly shaken by this. she went to the institute director for advice and as a trusted friend to talk about her feelings. He told her that she shouldnt worry to much about the situation and told her not to try to figure out who told the missionaries.

She would not take that advice. eventually she called one of the missionaries who was now home and asked him to tell her who leak the information about what happened. It turned out that it was the institute director, the same one who told her not to try to figure out who talked to the missionaries, the sameone who is also a high counselor.

I have talked to my bishop about this situation and he said that he would let the stake president know as well. that was several months ago. I am now married (civilly) and I have not heard a word from the bishop, stake president or high counselor. as far as i can tell nothing has been done, the institute director is still on the high counsel and neither of us have received an apology or even an explanation.

Me and my wife feel unable to attend our assigned ward because it is the same ward as the high counselor. she has almost completely lost her testimony and i am not far behind her.

should i try to contact the stake president and see what if anything is going to be done? what should be done in this situation. I and my wife are so upset about this situation we dont know what to do but we do feel like we are owed an apology or at least an explanation.

[Guest saintish]

thanks for your reply. I must however disagree, I do not feel that 20 y/o missionaries needed to be informed about the situation. to clarify they were told after she told them she didnt want to be contacted (she only later changed her mind and was baptized) they were not even meeting with her at the time they were told about the situation. i also feel like it is beside the point because there was no reason for my name to be brought into it. the information the missionaries were given did nothing to help my wife join the church. as a matter of fact them being told might be what causes her to leave the church.

[Mute]

Not gonna lie. That's pretty messed up what that guy did to you. I'm assuming the director found out about your situation, even though he wasn't part in the actual meeting, by simply being on the council? I'd ask for an apology. That would make me very angry. The man was in the wrong. Those meetings are supposed to be kept quiet. He owes you an apology and if he can't keep things confidential, then I'd say he shouldn't be a position where he is required to. That is of course is not my choice to make though.

A lot of people like to gossip and very few people that I've met are able to keep secrets. If someone tells you something about someone else, you can bet that they are not a person you should trust your secrets with.

If you don't receive an apology, then I'll let you decide where to go from there. Either way, that man was in the wrong and you are right to feel offended and hurt by what he did.

[Mute]

Here is something to consider and this is simply my opinion. In any organization you have in life, people are going to make mistakes. People do not always need to be fired because they make a mistake. However, they should take responsibility for their actions and try to make amends if they do something wrong. They should also try to do better in the future. So perhaps they should not remove this man from his position if he gets his act together but I do feel he owes you an apology either way. In the end, it is ultimately their choice to make in what action to take if any.

Edited January 23, 2011 by Mute

[Guest saintish]

Are you sure it wasn't until afterward?

here's another guess - the poor missionaries were feeling really horrible, they had felt the spirit were excited about seeing her join the church, and them bam - don't contact me!!! so they went to the institute instructor to find out what they did wrong and after some badgering, or just not thinking, the instructor told them that she was having some trouble with the law of chastity and that was probably the reason for the disconnect.

really, all you can do is guess - why not talk to the missionaries again to see what really happened? tell the missionaries your concerns, and get the whole story.

even if it is the worst possible case scenario - wolves in sheep clothing etc. etc. - the church isn't about the members, we're all imperfect - it's about feeling the Spirit, learning how to forgive/forget, to deal with all the imperfect people in the world as Jesus dealt with us all right?

we have talked to the missionaries, they mentioned to the institute director that she didnt want to see them however it wasnt because of what we had done, she was having second thoughts about joining the church because of her parents objections and wanted some time away from the missionaries to figure out what she wanted. in any case he was not justified in speaking about what happened.

[Guest saintish]

Here is something to consider and this is simply my opinion. In any organization you have in life, people are going to make mistakes. People do not always need to be fired because they make a mistake. However, they should take responsibility for their actions and try to make amends if they do something wrong. They should also try to do better in the future. So perhaps they should not remove this man from his position if he gets his act together but I do feel he owes you an apology either way. In the end, it is ultimately their choice to make in what action to take if any.

i agree and he has not made a single attempt to contact me. if he had it would be water under the bridge for me but the fact that he hasnt even tried adds another level of insult.

[mightynancy]

What irks me the most is the institute director telling her not to look into it further. He should've owned up to what he did...he seemed more than happy to make you two own up to people who had no business knowing.

[Guest]

I am sorry to hear that you encountered a member of the church in a leadership position that did not exercise good judgement and let you down.

But, this shouldn't change your testimony, though. The church is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - our testimony is that Jesus is the Christ and that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Him. The institute director is just as human as you and I and doesn't change this fact.

Good luck and hope everything turns out okay.

[slamjet]

I also second what others have said to not let this episode color your testimony. The hardest part of the Gospel is to learn to forgive. If you truly want to be free from this, forgive. There is no other way. You can talk to the Bishop, Stake President, Area Authorities, General Authorities. You can even get satisfaction at what may be decided as to what to do with the offenders. But until you learn to forgive those whom have wronged you, you will never let this go and none of this will give you peace.

You may say I'm talking a pipe dream, but I've experienced all of this myself and then some. What I'm saying is the only way to get over this episode. I know this first hand.

[pam]

I was hoping that i might be able to get some honest opinions and good advice in a confidential setting on this site.

Umm...this is the internet..nothing much confidential about that.

[ankikall]

So sorry to hear of your situation. I´ve been in a similar situation where my son 3 yrs old was molested on a LDS weddingparty in a chapel. I reported this to my bishop, and heard nothing. I personally wanted to meet the molester, look him in the eyes and tell him of the pain he caused us all. Nothing happened, and I finally asked the bishop what was being done. He responded that "it was taken care of" and I didn´t need to think more abt it.

This made me so dissapointed that he would not involve me more in the process. It put me in doubt of everything that had to do with the church.

However, the Spirit has many times in my life taught me that the gospel is perfect and true. The people serving the church are not. By leaving the church you will only punish yourselves. Don´t let a man stand in between you and the Lord!

The only thing I regret abt the mentioned situation is that I didn´t fight for my rights. You should not just let it go. If he will not give an apology or cooperate in this matter, you should contact the area president, and let him know. The church rules states that things said in confidence has to stay that way.we had the area president come all the way from another country to our ward because of the same reason. The bishop was reprimended. This makes me think that the leadership of the church will not agree to such things.

Hope this will help you

[ankikall]

I also agree with slamdunk when he says that forgiveness is the only way that will make your pain go away.

[slamjet]

Did that make sense to anyone?

Nope, not at all.

[Backroads]

Okay, first I am just going to begin with... wow. This situation is totally miserable, and I'm torn between changed and mute's advice, probably learning more towards mute's.

To begin with, I believe that forgiveness has very little to do with the person or persons who wronged you. We were commanded to forgive and forget because it really does make things a lot easier on us, more so than being commanded to feel injured and horrible about every little thing that happens to us (not to say this is a small thing by anything stretch of the imagination.)

However, you are having trouble on the path to forgiveness, and that's not entirely you're fault. My biggest concern is that you are loosing your testimonies over this. Now obviously you can't base your testimony on the people of the church because that won't get you nowhere, but in a case like this the people involved really aren't making things easier for you and your wife.

I do not agree at all with how this situation was handled, and I also have to frown upon losing your testimony of the non-people related gospel over it.

I would go to your bishop, explain the entire situation INCLUDING how it is affecting your testimony. Frankly, these people for their own benefit need to apologize. I don't care if they're feeling bad. If they feel bad, they should apologize.

[slamjet]

If they feel bad, they should apologize.

However, we cannot count on someone apologizing. Forgiveness is moving forward regardless of what someone else decides to do. There have been so many times that I've been wronged that the persons have not, nor do I expect them to come forward to give an apology. Waiting for that just transfers power from me to them. We have no control over others actions nor thoughts. So why give them power over us and our well-being?

Forgive them, learn wisdom from what had happened and move on. The only way, I've found, to live life without the burden of holding grudges that only serve to destroy.

[Just_A_Guy]

Matthew 18:15:

¶Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

As for your relationship with the Church at large: it either is what it purports to be, or it isn't. If it is, then your way forward is clear in spite of whatever stumbling blocks come up along the way. If it isn't, no need to stick around and put up with that kind of crap.

[slamjet]

As for your relationship with the Church at large: it either is what it purports to be, or it isn't. If it is, then your way forward is clear in spite of whatever stumbling blocks come up along the way. If it isn't, no need to stick around and put up with that kind of crap.

I read this as kind-of vague. Are you saying that if she talks to the offender and he apologies then ok, if he doesn't then leave because the church is not what it purports to be?

[Dravin]

I read this as kind-of vague. Are you saying that if she talks to the offender and he apologies then ok, if he doesn't then leave because the church is not what it purports to be?

No, the two parts are disconnected.

If the church is true; then you need to work past your stumbling block(s).

On the other hand:

If the church isn't true; then why put up with the aggravation associated with it?

If I'm reading it right.

[slamjet]

No, the two parts are disconnected.

If the church is true; then you need to work past your stumbling block(s).

On the other hand:

If the church isn't true; then why put up with the aggravation associated with it?

If I'm reading it right.

That would make more sense.

[Guest saintish]

Umm...this is the internet..nothing much confidential about that.

haha. what i mean is if i were to ask the opinion of other members face to face i would have to give them all the details and they would know me and not a name like saintish which i can hide behind.

i would like to thank everyone who has posted thus far. for the most part it sounds like you have came to the same conclusion that i have. I am planning on talking to my bishop soon and hopefully something good will happen.

[Guest saintish]

So sorry to hear of your situation. I´ve been in a similar situation where my son 3 yrs old was molested on a LDS weddingparty in a chapel. I reported this to my bishop, and heard nothing. I personally wanted to meet the molester, look him in the eyes and tell him of the pain he caused us all. Nothing happened, and I finally asked the bishop what was being done. He responded that "it was taken care of" and I didn´t need to think more abt it.

This made me so dissapointed that he would not involve me more in the process. It put me in doubt of everything that had to do with the church.

However, the Spirit has many times in my life taught me that the gospel is perfect and true. The people serving the church are not. By leaving the church you will only punish yourselves. Don´t let a man stand in between you and the Lord!

The only thing I regret abt the mentioned situation is that I didn´t fight for my rights. You should not just let it go. If he will not give an apology or cooperate in this matter, you should contact the area president, and let him know. The church rules states that things said in confidence has to stay that way.we had the area president come all the way from another country to our ward because of the same reason. The bishop was reprimended. This makes me think that the leadership of the church will not agree to such things.

Hope this will help you

wow thats horrible, Im sorry to hear about your situation. I suppose if i come out of this with nothing else i will have a testimony that the church leadership is called of God but still very human.

[Backroads]

However, we cannot count on someone apologizing. Forgiveness is moving forward regardless of what someone else decides to do. There have been so many times that I've been wronged that the persons have not, nor do I expect them to come forward to give an apology. Waiting for that just transfers power from me to them. We have no control over others actions nor thoughts. So why give them power over us and our well-being?

Forgive them, learn wisdom from what had happened and move on. The only way, I've found, to live life without the burden of holding grudges that only serve to destroy.

Oh, I agree with this. I'm thinking of those individuals, not saintish and his wife. changed suggests the people involved feel guilty over this, which they possibly do. For their own benefit, pretending it didn't happen does not help their situation.

[Just_A_Guy]

(For Slamejet) Yeah, what Dravin said. Sorry for the lack of clarity.

[Guest saintish]

UPDATE: so i called the stake pres. and had a short and somewhat unsettling conversation. I told him that my bishop suggested that i should call him and see what was going on with the situation. he said that this high counselor had been out of town the past week and he hadnt got a chance to talk with him. (my bishop informed him of the situation over a month ago) and then he told me to "let him handle things up here" and call him back in a week. it makes me wonder if he was planning on doing anything if i hadnt called. i will have an interesting conversation with him in a week.

[prophetofdoom]

I think the best thing is to let it go and forget about it. Obviously, you are letting this get in front of your testimony. No offense, but you committed sin.. and there was some fall out from that decision to sin. Remember, this would not have been an issue if no sin was committed in the first place.

Forgiveness will help you simply move on and get over the situation. Also, it will be long forgotten with the passage of time.