Apocolyptus Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 We've begun to seriously think about marriage, and if it were something that we would do. Let me set up what is going on for a better understanding of our relationship. I've gotten to know her family extremely well, but she knows almost nil about my own (extended and immediate). That is in great part because I am scared to show people my family (they tend to bite your heads off sometimes). When we started to date, we saw each other every single day. Often on average of 6 hours, per day. She was recently promoted to a new branch 45 minutes away, so the time we spend together is lessened. We had a bumpy road, crashed a few times on the emotional highway, and overall this relationship has been a wonderful treasure from Father. However. The main question is at hand. She fell in love with me, and I don't necessarily feel the same way. (We promised each other that we wouldn't fall in love because I was leaving to BYU-I in April 2011) (We met in November 2010). She fell in love, she broke her promise- fine, that's okay. I'm not worried about it, people fall in love. It comes. But I've not fallen in love. Her family, friends, and herself have stated in texts and in voice for me NOT to go to BYU-I. To stay home and attend the local universities and to eventually marry her. (On a side attached note, I don't feel that 2 months of dating is enough time for me [personally] to know someone well, to marry. 4 months? maybe. At least 6-8 months, to really know someone... but I don't have that kind of time). I have been accepted as a student for BYU-I in the spring of 2011. I've been preparing for this for 9 months. It's something I want to do (and the additions of having the support of my sister and cousin who are coming up with me). Do I go to BYU-I and get a full education to serve a future family and provide... or Do I stay, forgoing BYU-I, my sister and cousin, the full education there, and go to a local university (!maybe!) getting married to my Girlfriend? Please let me know your ideas, advice, knowledge, experience, help, emotions, gospel spirit related good things... anything helps. Apoc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dreamer3 Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 If you are not in love with her, I do not think you have a good enough reason to stay. Additionally, I imagine that the local universities are not as good as BYU-I. If she truly wants to be your wife, she should support you in bettering yourself and achieving the best education you can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apocolyptus Posted January 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Dreamer, what you say is true. We talked about it... but she has stated at one time "If you go, I will not wait for you." She loves me, has fallen in love with me, desires that I do not go to BYU-I, stay here in AZ, and marry her. I love her, I have not fallen in love with her, I desire to go to BYU-I, leaving AZ, and I'm not ready for anything related to marriage (maybe up to even a year). But how to .. put it in such a way to her that it won't hurt her. I hurt her once, albeit because I couldn't find the correct words, and it came out all wrong and we both suffered because of a loss of understanding... but I don't want to hurt her again. Any more thoughts, please... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) do i go to byu-i and get a full education to serve a future family and provide...Yes!!do i stay, forgoing byu-i, my sister and cousin, the full education there, and go to a local university (!maybe!) getting married to my girlfriend?NO! NO! NO! Edited January 25, 2011 by Wingnut dumb auto-formatting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Dreamer, what you say is true. We talked about it... but she has stated at one time "If you go, I will not wait for you." She loves me, has fallen in love with me, desires that I do not go to BYU-I, stay here in AZ, and marry her. I love her, I have not fallen in love with her, I desire to go to BYU-I, leaving AZ, and I'm not ready for anything related to marriage (maybe up to even a year). But how to .. put it in such a way to her that it won't hurt her. I hurt her once, albeit because I couldn't find the correct words, and it came out all wrong and we both suffered because of a loss of understanding... but I don't want to hurt her again.Any more thoughts, please...Apo, my thoughts are - if you're not ready for marriage, then you're not ready. Go to BYU-I where you can better yourself.Your girlfriend should WANT you to go. If she doesn't, then she's more concerned about her than about you. And if she doesn't wait for you - then that's fine. You'll be more free to pursue a possible relationship if ever you find the girl you could fall in love with at BYU-I. If you're okay with that, then it's ok to cut the ties now rather than drag it out for later.Don't worry about hurting her. If your intentions are pure and you truly have no intentions to hurt her, then you will say what needs to be said the way you know how. If she can't see the intent and she gets hurt anyway - then that's not on you. That's on her. You can't really control that. She will be hurt. So, just be kind and be supportive but don't let her rope you into doing something you are not ready to do.Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Sounds like you already know the answer. Go to school. Study. Prepare yourself. This is your time to prepare, so you can take care of a family in the future, whether it is this girl or another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MichaelCraig Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Apo, if she actually made the statement, (not in these exact words) that if you pursue a faith based education bringing you closer to Heavenly Father and providing an education that will greatly benefit you, your family-kids, even grand children...she will leave you???, doesn't that tell you something? I'm no Dr. Phil by a long shot but I've been down a long bumpy road relationship wise, not something I'm proud of, BUT I learned a lot about love. I'm not totally sure what she has for you but it doesn't sound like the kind of love that I would want to spend the rest of my life with my friend. To be honest I feel a relationhip built on that type of love would be like building a house shifting sand. Pray, pray and pray some more...then follow your heart and what you feel Heavenly Father is leading you to do. Listen to HEAVENLY FATHER..not anyone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeattleTruthSeeker Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 We've begun to seriously think about marriage, and if it were something that we would do. Let me set up what is going on for a better understanding of our relationship.I've gotten to know her family extremely well, but she knows almost nil about my own (extended and immediate). That is in great part because I am scared to show people my family (they tend to bite your heads off sometimes). When we started to date, we saw each other every single day. Often on average of 6 hours, per day. She was recently promoted to a new branch 45 minutes away, so the time we spend together is lessened. We had a bumpy road, crashed a few times on the emotional highway, and overall this relationship has been a wonderful treasure from Father. However. The main question is at hand. She fell in love with me, and I don't necessarily feel the same way. (We promised each other that we wouldn't fall in love because I was leaving to BYU-I in April 2011) (We met in November 2010). She fell in love, she broke her promise- fine, that's okay. I'm not worried about it, people fall in love. It comes. But I've not fallen in love. Her family, friends, and herself have stated in texts and in voice for me NOT to go to BYU-I. To stay home and attend the local universities and to eventually marry her. (On a side attached note, I don't feel that 2 months of dating is enough time for me [personally] to know someone well, to marry. 4 months? maybe. At least 6-8 months, to really know someone... but I don't have that kind of time).I have been accepted as a student for BYU-I in the spring of 2011. I've been preparing for this for 9 months. It's something I want to do (and the additions of having the support of my sister and cousin who are coming up with me). Do I go to BYU-I and get a full education to serve a future family and provide... orDo I stay, forgoing BYU-I, my sister and cousin, the full education there, and go to a local university (!maybe!) getting married to my Girlfriend?Please let me know your ideas, advice, knowledge, experience, help, emotions, gospel spirit related good things... anything helps. ApocPicture yourself getting in the car. You are in the drivers seat. You already know where you want to go, how you want to get there, and the best possible route. Now, you let someone in on the passenger side. They want you to go in a different direction. Who is behind the wheel and who is in the passenger seat? The answer is obvious. Allow someone else to dictate your plans for the future, then you have given them full permission to decide for you what is good and what is not good. The only people that you need to heed counsel and advice from are: 1) Heavenly Father, 2) Parents, 3) Church Leaders (Local leaders, ie Bishop, young men's presidency, et all), and possible close friends who you trust and hold in confidence with. I agree, if you are not in love with this girl, then why stay at a local college. My concern and question is this: Have you addressed the issue that you do not care for her in the way that she cares for you? This is a time for you to be open and honest with her and her family. I am presuming you may have to some extent, if not, it needs to be considered. There is a polite way to go about this and there is a not so polite way of going about this. The polite way is to thank them for their advice, for their concern. At the same time, impress upon them that the decision is ultimately up to you and that your desire is to go to BYU-I. Maybe there is a program that is being offered there that is not being offered anywhere else. Express your reasons for your decision.In the end, the ultimate decision is up to you. Decide to give in and do what they want you to do will only build resentment, frustrations, and wish I should I could I if only I had the chance to do it all over again mentality. In fact, this might be a sign that this relationship is not what Heavenly Father has in store for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alana Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 After high school and before marriage is the time in your life when you get to focus the most on yourself. It's the time when you do what is the best for YOU. You are the person who gets to decide what that is for you. Because someone loves you, be it a girlfriend or parent or sibling or friend doesn't mean that they are the ones making the decisions for you. It's up to you to make your decisions. The tone of your post suggests you know what you want to do, and what you think will be the most rewarding long term choice but you're afraid of hurting your girlfriends feelings. To this I say BE A MAN. Don't let fear and the uncertainty of the future make you follow the path of least resistance. She may wait for you, she may not. She may want to break up with you or cry a lot and call you selfish. What matters is that you do what is best for you for right now and what will be what is best for you for the rest of your life. I'm sure you want a wife in the future, this girl or not, who admires and respects you for many reasons, including doing unpopular or hard things because they are the right thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarklin Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Go to BYU. You have no commitment here. You don't state your age, but assuming you are under 24 you don't have enough life experience to even be married IMHO. And yes, your dating experience with her is way too short to decide anything. In life, your education should be paramount at this point. So she won't wait.........so what!!!!! Plenty of fish in the ocean at BYU so to speak. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apocolyptus Posted January 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Go to BYU. You have no commitment here. You don't state your age, but assuming you are under 24 you don't have enough life experience to even be married IMHO. And yes, your dating experience with her is way too short to decide anything. In life, your education should be paramount at this point.So she won't wait.........so what!!!!!Plenty of fish in the ocean at BYU so to speak.Knew I was forgetting something. I'm 24, she's 25. My dating experience is limited. 1 Long distance (for over a year), 1 week long thing, and this girl since November. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apocolyptus Posted January 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Anyway, thank you for the replies, I'll keep looking around and continue searching the answers our Father would have me look for... since only He knows for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Yeah, follow the spirit. But in the abscence God directly telling you something to the contrary: Go get your education. LM (married at 26) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bert10 Posted January 31, 2011 Report Share Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) It all depends what you want to do. If you are worried about being in Love do not worry about it. "Unconditional Love" is a giving Love. And falling in Love deals with "Conditional Love". Which is based on how we feel according to what the other person does for us or brings into the relationship. Sooner or later "Conditional Love" fails...today it seems to happen within the first 12 years of marriage.It's Wonderful to fall in love and marry. But remember our dismal record on marriage is far worse than some cultures who have arranged marriages often to complete strangers. If the marriage is to last, at some point the couple must leave Conditional Love and move into "Unconditional Love" which is love without fears attached to it. Since it is a giving Love..we do not have to worry about it being returned to us. We do not do it for any reasons other than the person is our Spouse and so deserves our love.This type of Love is an act of will and over time..we become in our heart as we think. For it is written as a man thinketh in his heart so is he.So do not be afraid to Live...and pick your life experiences with the help of GOD. If you do not forget God and include Him in the process...He will be there when you need Him.bert10We've begun to seriously think about marriage, and if it were something that we would do. Let me set up what is going on for a better understanding of our relationship.I've gotten to know her family extremely well, but she knows almost nil about my own (extended and immediate). That is in great part because I am scared to show people my family (they tend to bite your heads off sometimes). When we started to date, we saw each other every single day. Often on average of 6 hours, per day. She was recently promoted to a new branch 45 minutes away, so the time we spend together is lessened. We had a bumpy road, crashed a few times on the emotional highway, and overall this relationship has been a wonderful treasure from Father. However. The main question is at hand. She fell in love with me, and I don't necessarily feel the same way. (We promised each other that we wouldn't fall in love because I was leaving to BYU-I in April 2011) (We met in November 2010). She fell in love, she broke her promise- fine, that's okay. I'm not worried about it, people fall in love. It comes. But I've not fallen in love. Her family, friends, and herself have stated in texts and in voice for me NOT to go to BYU-I. To stay home and attend the local universities and to eventually marry her. (On a side attached note, I don't feel that 2 months of dating is enough time for me [personally] to know someone well, to marry. 4 months? maybe. At least 6-8 months, to really know someone... but I don't have that kind of time).I have been accepted as a student for BYU-I in the spring of 2011. I've been preparing for this for 9 months. It's something I want to do (and the additions of having the support of my sister and cousin who are coming up with me). Do I go to BYU-I and get a full education to serve a future family and provide... orDo I stay, forgoing BYU-I, my sister and cousin, the full education there, and go to a local university (!maybe!) getting married to my Girlfriend?Please let me know your ideas, advice, knowledge, experience, help, emotions, gospel spirit related good things... anything helps. Apoc Edited January 31, 2011 by bert10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MormonMama Posted February 1, 2011 Report Share Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) You have said you don't love her, at least not in "that way". Please, do both of you a favor and be honest about that with her. Don't lead her on and let her believe that there are stronger feelings on your side than there are.Secondly, you need to attend whatever school will give you the best educational opportunity in your field, regardless of where it is (and assuming you can afford it, of course). Right now I am living two hours away from my husband while I finish my education. It is HARD and I wish I'd done this years ago before I married and had kids. If you are ready to continue your education and you know what school is best for you, then go. Thirdly, she sounds a bit clingy. It could be that she suspects that you might slip through her fingers and so she's trying desperately to hold onto you. This is not good for any relationship. If she's giving you an ultimatum of "I won't wait if you go" then she obviously cares more about herself and what she wants than about what might be best for you. Sounds like she's trying to scare or bully you into giving her what she wants, with no real regard to what you want.In all honesty, I don't see this relationship making it at this point. I think if you really want to go to BYU-I, then go. If she won't wait, then obviously it's not meant to be. And it's entirely possible that the absence will make the relationship sweeter. That's definitely happened for my husband and I. Ultimately, at this point in your life I think you need to make the decision you think is best, and it doesn't sound like you think that's a commitment to this girl.[dating]...this girl since November.I just noticed this. You guys have been dating for three months. Definitely not long enough for her to have any say in where you go to school. Edited February 1, 2011 by MormonMama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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