Why fight when engaged?

[Engagedman]

So I just recently got engaged a few days ago. My Fiance and I have never really gotten in fights before. We have been friends for years and been dating a while so we know each other really well and know how to talk to each other. For some reason since we have been engaged we have gotten extremely stressed and in a few fights. I have never gotten annoyed with her until now. Is this normal for couples to get stressed and get in fights once they are engaged? Why does this happen? Advice Please on how to handle these situations......

[Guest]

You haven't seen nothin' yet! You'll experience more of it when you get married, and more after the children come along.

Every one of these stages in life comes with a certain "change". Every person reacts to major changes differently. Therefore, you are just now seeing a different facet of your relationship - a different facet of you and her's methods of dealing with change/challenges/stress. This is a "growing up" per se of your relationship. It's a good thing. This will give you a big insight on how you guys handle change - do you move together or do you fall apart - do you pick the other up if he/she is failing, or do you walk out... These things are going to crop up once in a while during marriage - adjusting to living together, moving to a new house, dealing with in-laws, going through pregnancy, lifestyle change when children come along, dealing with job loss, etc. etc. etc.

I learned this thing from a corporate function. This actually throws a good perspective in what you are experiencing... it's from this book Who Moved My Cheese and I'm quoting a synopsis of it from wikipedia:

Allegorically, Who Moved My Cheese? features four characters: two mice, "Sniff" and "Scurry," and two littlepeople, miniature humans in essence, "Hem" and "Haw." They live in a maze, a representation of one's environment, and look for cheese, representative of happiness and success. Initially without cheese, each group, the mice and humans, paired off and traveled the lengthy corridors searching for cheese. One day both groups happen upon a cheese-filled corridor at "Cheese Station C". Content with their find, the humans establish routines around their daily intake of cheese, slowly becoming arrogant in the process.

One day Sniff and Scurry arrive at Cheese Station C to find no cheese left, but they are not surprised. Noticing the cheese supply dwindling, they have mentally prepared beforehand for the arduous but inevitable task of finding more cheese. Leaving Cheese Station C behind, they begin their hunt for new cheese together. Later that day, Hem and Haw arrive at Cheese Station C only to find the same thing, no cheese. Angered and annoyed, Hem demands, "Who moved my cheese?" The humans have counted on the cheese supply to be constant, and so are unprepared for this eventuality. After verifying that the cheese is indeed gone they rant at the unfairness of the situation and both go home hungry. Returning the next day, Hem and Haw find the same cheeseless station. Beginning to realize the situation at hand, Haw proposes a search for new cheese. But Hem is dead set in his victimized mindset and nixes the proposal.

Meanwhile, Sniff and Scurry have found "Cheese Station N", a new supply of cheese. Back at Cheese Station C, Hem and Haw are affected by their lack of cheese and blame each other for their predicament. Hoping to change, Haw again proposes a search for new cheese. However, Hem is comforted by his old routine and also afraid of the unknown. So again he knocks the idea. After many days in denial (including a search for cheese behind the wall of Cheese Station C), the humans remain without cheese. One day, having discovered his debilitating fears, Haw begins to laugh at the situation and stops taking himself so seriously. Realizing he should simply move on, Haw enters the maze, but not before chiseling "If You Do Not Change, You Can Become Extinct" on the wall of Cheese Station C for his friend to ponder.

Still fearful of his trek, Haw jots "What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?" on the wall and, after thinking about that, he begins his journey. Still plagued with worry (perhaps he has waited too long to begin his search...), Haw finds some scattered cheese that nourishes him and he is able to continue his search. Slowly losing his denial, Haw realizes that the cheese has not suddenly disappeared, but has dwindled from continual eating, and that the older cheese was not as tasty and had been moldy. After a letdown, an empty cheese station, Haw begins worrying about the unknown again. Brushing aside his fears, Haw's new mindset allows him to again enjoy life. He has even begun to smile again! He is realizing that "When you move beyond your fear, you feel free." After another empty cheese station, Haw decides to go back for Hem with the few bits of new cheese he has managed to find.

Uncompromising, Hem turns away the new cheese, to his friend's dismay. With knowledge acquired along the way, Haw heads back into the maze. Going still deeper into the maze, impelled by bits of new cheese here and there, Haw leaves a trail of writings on the wall ("The Handwriting On the Wall"). These clarify his own thinking and give him hope that his friend will find aid in them during his search for new cheese. Still traveling, Haw one day comes across Cheese Station N, abundant with cheese, including some varieties that are strange to him, and he realizes he has found what he is looking for. After eating, Haw reflects on his experience. He ponders a return to see his old friend. But Haw decides to let Hem find his own way. Finding the largest wall in Cheese Station N, he writes:

Change Happens

They Keep Moving The Cheese

Anticipate Change

Get Ready For The Cheese To Move

Monitor Change

Smell The Cheese Often So You Know When It Is Getting Old

Adapt To Change Quickly

The Quicker You Let Go Of Old Cheese, The Sooner You Can Enjoy New Cheese

Change

Move With The Cheese

Enjoy Change!

Savor The Adventure And Enjoy The Taste Of New Cheese!

Be Ready To Change Quickly And Enjoy It Again

They Keep Moving The Cheese.

Cautious from past experience, Haw now inspects Cheese Station N daily and explores different parts of the maze regularly to prevent any complacency from setting in. After hearing movement in the maze one day, Haw realizes someone is approaching the station. Unsure, Haw hopes that it is his friend Hem who has found the way.

Anyway, the rats and Hem and Haw had different ways of dealing with change. The concept I was hoping to impart is that, when change happens to a married couple (or engaged couple as your situation is), you'll find that you and your spouse goes through a Hem/Haw period of adjustment where you're both quite not sure what to do. It is these times that a relationship is the most vulnerable. So, it is this time where you have to be able to be flexible enough to allow yourself and your spouse to deal with the change in your own different ways but keeping yourselves cognizant that the end goal is to end up in the same plane together when all is said and done.

I'm sorry this is lengthy... it's only worth 2 cents but I hope it helps!

[NeuroTypical]

Is this normal for couples to get stressed and get in fights once they are engaged?

Yes, very much so. And here's the kicker - the stress and fights don't stop until both of you learn how to do something more productive with your disagreements. It's part of growing up and putting on your big-people britches. (Not trying to sound dismissive or insulting - that's just how I put it as I was watching myself go through the same motions.)

Why does this happen?

Because love is not enough. People are not meant to agree on everything. It takes a lot of just plain roll-up-your-sleeves hard work to make a relationship wonderful. You both have different backgrounds, hopes, desires, ways of doing things, and baggage. Sometimes these differences fit together and make life good, sometimes they crash into each other like two freight trains. Learning how to communicate and how to resolve issues is will make this better.

Advice Please on how to handle these situations......

Patience, respect, tolerance, forebearance, choosing to put up with a lot of things, choosing your battles, and finding mutually agreed-upon ways to work things out when you decide it's worth working through. Right now when you decide it's worth working through, you fight about it, because neither of you have any idea how else to work through stuff. There are lots of ways - be open with your bride about wanting to find ways that are better than fighting.

"Hey honey - it seems like we see this differently. Instead of fighting and having a winner and loser, I wonder if we might want to find a better way to work through these differences. What do you think?"

Stuff like that.

Happy wedding! You are in good company!

LM

[Gwen]

sounds like a good time to start planning for your marriage rather than just a wedding. if you haven't already you might discuss doing some legitimate personality quizzes (can be fun and open up some very interesting discussions) or reading a book together. love languages is a good one but there are many that could be insightful. there is a list of some here http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/25622-resources-links-your-marriage.html. though you may find some that better fit your situation by looking for ones on what to do before the wedding (i know deseret book has some of that nature though i've not read them).

the biggest thing, learn to cope with the stress now before the wedding. don't go into a marriage under unresolved stress. as others have said, it will come up again and possibly worse (kids, job changes, if either of you are still in school, extended family, etc).

don't let the talk of how trying it can be scare you. often times our greatest blessings and greatest trials are one in the same. learn to deal with it, don't run from it.

edit: a really good one that is easy to get through (cd's you can listen to rather than having to read) that might help a lot right now is DeseretBook.com - For All Eternity. it directly addresses communication in relationships and conflict resolution, how to negotiate the hard things, how to be equals rather than parent each other, etc.

Edited March 2, 2011 by Gwen

[Wingnut]

Totally normal, and -- in my opinion, though perhaps an unpopular one -- a good thing, actually. If you've never really fought with each other before, you have an opportunity now to explore each others' argument styles and see if they're compatible.

[ryanh]

Some level of conflict is not unreasonable. I think it all depends on the degrees though. If I were you, I would be somewhat concerned, as you are still in a euphoria phase (even if a very stressed one), and there are much harder challenges to come.

You might look at some of Dr. John Gottman's discussions on fighting styles. "Fighting", or heated discussions are not necessarily a sign of a bad relationship. What matters more than whether or not you have conflicts and disagreements is how you two fight. There are some conflict styles that are productive, and others that are toxic. Figure out where you two are in that conflict style spectrum, and evaluate if you two truly are compatible.

Infatuation love of the courting/engagement phase is not enough. It takes compatibility and skills too.

[ryanh]

Also, something that every new couple should read is Winning the Argument or Solving the Problem.

[Wingnut]

Some level of conflict is not unreasonable. I think it all depends on the degrees though. If I were you, I would be somewhat concerned, as you are still in a euphoria phase (even if a very stressed one), and there are much harder challenges to come.

You might look at some of Dr. John Gottman's discussions on fighting styles. "Fighting", or heated discussions are not necessarily a sign of a bad relationship. What matters more than whether or not you have conflicts and disagreements is how you two fight. There are some conflict styles that are productive, and others that are toxic. Figure out where you two are in that conflict style spectrum, and evaluate if you two truly are compatible.

Infatuation love of the courting/engagement phase is not enough. It takes compatibility and skills too.

Love Dr. Gottman!

[MorningStar]

Yes, engagement is a stressful time. Planning the event is one thing, but you are also getting ready for a big change and good things are stressful too. There is a lot of pressure on the bride and groom about multiple things, advice being thrown your way, the matter of dealing with who gets to attend the sealing, where to have the wedding, the food, the dress, worrying about not fitting into the dress, the money, the photographer, the cake, the invitations, and on top of that stuff, I decided to start the pill a month before we got married and it made me really irritable, gave me a migraine for a month, water retention, nausea, etc. I just wanted to get the wedding over with at that point. Wished I didn't feel that way, but I did.

It's also normal for your mom to drive you crazy during this time.

It's good to recognize that during your marriage, you will many stressful events, so it's important to learn how to disagree in appropriate ways. Pregnancy is very stressful, so is unemployment, a spouse being in school, loss of a loved one, etc.

Good luck! :)

[Wingnut]

It's also normal for your mom to drive you crazy during this time.

Not to mention the mother-in-law-to-be.

[Backroads]

I think I have had fights with my fiance, but he doesn't think so and is still waiting for our first fight. To me, debates and disagreements are "fights" but I hate that term because it sounds so ugly. You can't agree on everything, and on some things you'll just have to roll your eyes and silently think "what an idiot".

[rameumptom]

You will find that many of the arguments will be over silly or small things. The key is, the underlying problem is often bigger, but neither is talking about it. I can often see my own wife get frustrated and get angry over something small, and when I ask the right questions, will find it is actually frustration over something entirely different that is actually important to her. THEN we are able to actually resolve the situation.

Work with your fiancee to focus on actual issues, not the tangential symptoms. Second, while it is important for women to express their emotions, she also needs to come to a point where both of you can not only talk of feelings, but discuss actual solutions to the real problem. Thoreau sighed that for every person whacking at the root of the problem, there are one hundred chopping at the leaves. Don't be busy chopping leaves, when your real problem lies at the base.

[mstherapist]

You know I gave my kids the book, 300 Questions LDS Couples Should Ask Before Marriage by Shannon Alder.

It is a must do for anyone getting married. Maybe you are not marriage material...or not compatable. I would suggest you go get it and go through it with her.

[slamjet]

Not marriage material? What?!?!?

[ryanh]

Love Dr. Gottman!

You mean we agree on something? Publically?

[Dravin]

Not marriage material? What?!?!?

Another way to phrase that might be, "Not ready for marriage yet." Not saying such applies to anyone in particular but rephrased the concept probably raises less eyebrows. If what was meant is that one is somehow fundementally flawed in an incorrectable way where marriage will never be an option, unless one is talking about the mentally handicapped (might extend this to seriouslly and untreatablly mentally ill), that does raise some eyebrows.