dfavors15 Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 So me and my girlfriend of two years are in some trouble for breaking the law of chastity. She is a convert and none of her family are members. We are going to try and get married to follow a bishops council. The problem is were both just 20 and we don't know how to explain it to her parents. They will freak out and throw a huge fit, probably much worse then when she got baptized. I know I shouldn't care, but, I want a good relationship with them. Do I tell her parents, or does she? How might we explain it to them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Let her deal with her parents. You don't have to say you have to get married because of premarital sex. Just tell them you want to have a small wedding and do it soon. Then let them be involved in planning and doing the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Her parents aren't members, so they possibly won't be as devastated by the premarital sex issue, Ram. My guess is that they'll flip their lids over the idea of her getting married at 20 years old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Asking for their daughters hand in marriage is no longer done. You deal with your parents, she'll have to deal with hers. In marriage, you will find this is a good way to eliminate a lot of conflicts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Asking for their daughters hand in marriage is no longer done.Since when? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I'm not sure what this has to do with anyone being LDS or non-LDS. Kids have been messing up and agonizing over what to tell the parents since Adam & Eve got kicked out of the garden. Here is the answer: 1. Be a man and accept responsibility for your actions. Don't hide behind your girlfriend. 2. If her dad owns a gun, be prepared to duck. 3. While you are ducking, explain your intention to honorably marry her. While he is reloading, make a good case for your prospects and ability to provide for her. If he stops firing, you're good to go. (At least, that answer would be best for society. But like slamjet says, that may not look like real life. Her parents may not even care, or you may be too immature to get married, or living in their basement for the next decade might appeal to everyone. Your exact situation will vary.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Asking for their daughters hand in marriage is no longer done. You deal with your parents, she'll have to deal with hers. In marriage, you will find this is a good way to eliminate a lot of conflicts.You can't have my cousin, slamjet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
classylady Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Dfavors15, of course you should care what her parents think. If you and your girlfriend get married, then you will have a relationship with her parents the rest of your lives. You need to have a good relationship with them. The best way to have her parents accept you, is to show them that you love their daughter and you treat their daughter right. They will see that and, I believe, come to accept you. The two of you are young. I don't believe you have to tell her parents everything that has happened. But, when the news is broken to the parents, it might be a good idea to show them that you have a plan in mind...with goals set, etc. So, make sure you have sat down with your girlfriend and have set realistic goals that are attainable. If you plan on attending school, let the parents know what your goals are to accomplish this. One of the leading causes of divorce is financial problems, so it's a good idea to know how you're going to support a family. If the two of you are committed to each other, you can make your marriage work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarginOfError Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 So me and my girlfriend of two years are in some trouble for breaking the law of chastity. She is a convert and none of her family are members. We are going to try and get married to follow a bishops council. The problem is were both just 20 and we don't know how to explain it to her parents. They will freak out and throw a huge fit, probably much worse then when she got baptized. I know I shouldn't care, but, I want a good relationship with them. Do I tell her parents, or does she? How might we explain it to them?I'm confused. Your bishop is telling you that because you had sex, you should be getting married? Is there more to the story? I'm pretty sure that the introduction of sex into a relationship is a lousy reason to go on to get married. Please tell me there's more to your pending marriage than what you've told us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I'm confused. Your bishop is telling you that because you had sex, you should be getting married? Is there more to the story? I'm pretty sure that the introduction of sex into a relationship is a lousy reason to go on to get married. Please tell me there's more to your pending marriage than what you've told us.In re-reading the thread, I was actually just thinking that, too. Having had sex is not a good enough reason in and of itself to marry this girl. If she's pregnant, that adds a whole other dimension, and would, in fact, be relevant to the advice being sought here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarginOfError Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 In re-reading the thread, I was actually just thinking that, too. Having had sex is not a good enough reason in and of itself to marry this girl. If she's pregnant, that adds a whole other dimension, and would, in fact, be relevant to the advice being sought here.I wasn't thinking about pregnancy, but that would be an issue. However, I'm not convinced that having gotten a girl pregnant is a good reason to marry her just to "square up with God." It seems like you'd only want to marry the person if you knew for sure that you could work it out...especially if a child was involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I wasn't thinking about pregnancy, but that would be an issue. However, I'm not convinced that having gotten a girl pregnant is a good reason to marry her just to "square up with God." It seems like you'd only want to marry the person if you knew for sure that you could work it out...especially if a child was involved.True enough. Generally speaking, though, I think most bishops would probably counsel a couple to get married if they were expecting a child out of wedlock. I don't see many bishops encouraging 20-year-old still-hormonal couples to get married just because they had sex once or twice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarginOfError Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 True enough. Generally speaking, though, I think most bishops would probably counsel a couple to get married if they were expecting a child out of wedlock.Am I the only person here that thinks this is terrible generalized counsel? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Aren't most generalized things terrible? (Side note: if she is pregnant, even if they don't marry, the OP still has to square up with her parents.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I'm not sure what this has to do with anyone being LDS or non-LDS. Kids have been messing up and agonizing over what to tell the parents since Adam & Eve got kicked out of the garden.Here is the answer:1. Be a man and accept responsibility for your actions. Don't hide behind your girlfriend.2. If her dad owns a gun, be prepared to duck.3. While you are ducking, explain your intention to honorably marry her. While he is reloading, make a good case for your prospects and ability to provide for her. If he stops firing, you're good to go.(At least, that answer would be best for society. But like slamjet says, that may not look like real life. Her parents may not even care, or you may be too immature to get married, or living in their basement for the next decade might appeal to everyone. Your exact situation will vary.)I want to be able to click on both thank you and laugh out loud!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 True enough. Generally speaking, though, I think most bishops would probably counsel a couple to get married if they were expecting a child out of wedlock. I don't see many bishops encouraging 20-year-old still-hormonal couples to get married just because they had sex once or twice.If the couple are going to continue seeing each other and not quit having sex then yes a bishop will strongly counsel them to marry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 True enough. Generally speaking, though, I think most bishops would probably counsel a couple to get married if they were expecting a child out of wedlock.Am I the only person here that thinks this is terrible generalized counsel?Aren't most generalized things terrible?Yes. I went through this experience myself. While a general rule is great for most situations, for mine it was not. I remember going in to see the bishop, and his councel was to cease having sex until after the wedding and to get married as soon as possible so to limit the amount of time the temptation would be present. Again, this is great councel for most situations, but I was in an abusive relationship. The bishop could not tell the relationship was abusive off-hand, but he also unfortunately did not take the time to speak with the two of us separately until after we were already married.My advice to you would be to think everything through carefully. Do not assume that just because you had sex, or even if she is pregnant, that you HAVE to get married. If marriage was already going to be in the cards for you down the road and/or if you are certain you are both going to give it your full commitment go for it.As far as how to tell her parents, try to picture yourself in their situation. You know them best (or at least your girlfriend does, so talk with her about it too), so you will know what approach may be the most effective. Treat them respectfully and even if they overreact, remember that they are having to learn to "let go". Their daughter has become an adult and is making her own decisions. They do not get to choose who she marries- she does. They do not get to choose what church she goes to- she does. If you want to maintain a friendly and cordial relationship with them, express that you care about their feelings and opinions and that you will be giving your all to the care and love of their daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 Since when?Ok, ok, it's no longer COMMONLY done. Happy now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 You can't have my cousin, slamjet!If they're like you, I'd think twice anyways Hey, you asked for it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 I'm confused. Your bishop is telling you that because you had sex, you should be getting married? Is there more to the story? I'm pretty sure that the introduction of sex into a relationship is a lousy reason to go on to get married. Please tell me there's more to your pending marriage than what you've told us.He mentioned in a different thread that she may be pregnant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarginOfError Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 He mentioned in a different thread that she may be pregnant.Well, that certainly weights things a little differently. I still sincerely hope there was more to the counsel than, "Hey, she's pregnant. You two better get married now." I mean, if it isn't a good time for the two people involved, or if they don't think they're compatible marriage material, or for whatever reason don't feel right about getting married, adoption is still an option at age 20 (we shouldn't only ever consider it for teen pregnancies) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfavors15 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 there is more... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 there is more...And just be cautious about posting on a public forum. Once it's out there, it aint coming back. You owe us nothing, the details should only be shared with you, her and your Bishops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarginOfError Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 there is more...That satisfies me. As long as more than one option was discussed and considered, I'm happy. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 If they're like you, I'd think twice anyways Hey, you asked for it!You don't know what you're missing... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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