Masturbation and Dating

[Jackol]

My situation is I'm a 31 year old single male in the church. I know all about masturbation and the council we have been given, but no matter how hard I try I always fail, eventually. I have made it as long as 2 years before, but I always seem to slip eventually. Everyone says it gets easier the longer you go without, but my experience has been the opposite. I have spent so many nights out shooting hoops, (even in the snow and rain) reading the scriptures, praying, running, etc. These activities help while I'm doing the activity, but eventually I slip again. I also find that when I abstain for long periods of time I'm only sleeping 2-3 hours a night trying to control the urges. I have to be completely exhausted so I just pass out asleep. I have talked with many Bishops and my mission president about masturbation and tried every suggestion, some worked better than others, but nothing has allowed me to never do it again.

I want to marry a member of the church in the Temple and have a family, but at this point I'm just not sure it's going to be a possibility. I try to date women in my area or in my ward, but sooner or later she asks whether I have a Temple recommend. The problem is most of the time I don't because it has been suspended (for as long as 1 year) because of masturbation. Then the woman no longer wants to date me. (I don't blame her for her decision) Then I start thinking why bother date at all so I stop. This then makes it harder to control the urges and I slip at masturbation again. Which leads to my recommend suspension taking longer. It's a self defeating spiral that I just can't break.

I know I'm not alone in this struggle, because I have seen a LOT of men in my situation just leave the church completely or marry a non-member. I don't particularly like either situation, but I just don't know what to do at this point.

[MorningStar]

Have you been to one of the church's 12 step groups? With whatever addiction it is, people act on them when they are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, or sick. Addressing what is bothering you at the moment can help the feeling pass.

[g8trjasonb]

I'm 32 and single so I sort of know what you're going through. In Ether, the Lord says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I found that if you REALLY envelope yourself in the scriptures, and all other sources of inspiration, combined with FERVENT prayer, seeking repentance and God's help in easing this burden, then He WILL help you. The key though is to keep His holy spirit in your life everyday and to build upon that. Develop a ravenous appetite for the scriptures in order to seek help, and the Lord will make sure you have the knowledge you need to make you stronger. Beg of Him to ease this burden and thank Him when you notice it being done.

There are still moments of weakness in my life where I want to give in because my body aches (and usually its in the middle of the night too), but I just think about how doing so would not only let myself down, but my family, my future family and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. There has been more than one night when I've woken up, wanted to give in but instead gotten out of bed and kneeled down to pray for help.

Satan preys on the senses and our bodies. This is probably the most common way that men, and some women, let him enter into our lives. He doesn't have his own body, so he does all he can to destroy us through ours. However, its still OUR body and we always have the choice, as you know. But that choice goes from extremely difficult and tempting to very possible if we truly envelope ourselves in the gospel.

I would recommend reading this book, written by a member of the Church who struggled with an addiction to pornography for 35 years. While your problem may not necessarily be pornography but the act itself, its still the same pattern of behavior that must be broken. Clean Hands, Pure Heart: Overcoming Addiction to Pornography Through the Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ [book]

[Jackol]

Have you been to one of the church's 12 step groups? With whatever addiction it is, people act on them when they are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, or sick. Addressing what is bothering you at the moment can help the feeling pass.

No I have not gone to one of the groups, but I have been through the PDF by advice from a Bishop. It helped me get back on track and I was good for about 9 months. The problem is the pressure never stopped building and eventually I was physically and mentally exhausted and slipped.

[Backroads]

You may need someone to act as a go-to person for you when you are feeling exhausted and at the slipping point.

[SeanButler]

I think all you can do is do your best. But jeeze man, 31... it's time to find an eternal companion!

[lizzy16]

I think all you can do is do your best. But jeeze man, 31... it's time to find an eternal companion!

That was rude.

From his post its obvious he's trying.

[SeanButler]

That was rude.

From his post its obvious he's trying.

At least I'm not going to have the police investigate this matter, Lizzy.

[lizzy16]

At least I'm not going to have the police investigate this matter, Lizzy.

You just insulted the fact I sought advice for a friend? And, insulated a man trying to turn his life around.

You should probably stay away from the advice board. Usually those seeking advice don't need criticism or jokes made about them.

[SeanButler]

Well, I don't exactly see where you are coming from. But I obviously offended you, and owe you an apology. If the man who wrote this thread is offended, I want to say sorry to you, too.

[LocalFarms]

That was rude.

From his post its obvious he's trying.

Not only rude but bad advice.

[prophetofdoom]

Stop giving the "problem" energy. I think that your focusing on the problem too much and that is lending your energy to it. Don't think about the Eiffel Tower.... there.... you thought about it... even though I said not to.

The mind only thinks in positive actions... doesn't work with negatives.

It is easy for me to say since I am married.. however, masturbation can still continue to be a problem even when you find an eternal companion. The key is to gain control of your thought. I have to do this a lot. I am a man and I have lusts just like any other man on the planet. When I find myself looking at an attractive woman, I immediately turn away and focus my FULL attention on something else in the immediate area. It tends to work well with me.

Priesthood blessings will help too!

[Saintmichaeldefendthem1]

Jackol, this is a tough issue for single men and I know what you're talking about. The urge to masturbate is like chinese water torture in that it applies steady pressure that eventually wears you down and causes you to break. If I understand the LDS system for dealing with this through your OP, then it seems they have you in a hopeless spiral holding your ability to marry within the church hostage to a moral failing that's sure to happen without the marriage you seek. As much as I love the LDS, perhaps this is a policy that they should examine and reform. Your choices seem to come to:

1. Stop confessing this and get the recommend you need

2. Marry a non-mormon

3. Keep looking. There is a Mormon woman out there who either has the same struggle or has a little more understanding of what it is to be a chaste young man.

I clearly recommend the third option. The first is out of the question because I believe if you call yourself a Mormon, you need to follow its tenants and requirements. The second option would be a mistake because a multifaith household is a terrible place to raise children. Parents need to be of one mind when it comes to faith. The third option is simply: don't stop swinging just because you missed a few balls. The God who can cause springs of water in the desert can cause you to meet your perfect mate even in the midst of the difficulty.

I know some here mean well in giving you advice on how to abstain completely from masturbation, but you already know that failings can and will happen. In my faith, Catholic priests try to live a chaste life but many have this struggle as well and this in spite of a well regimented daily schedule of prayers and religious exercises. The aim here is not to be perfect, but rather to not give in to despair (I can't be perfect, so why try?). I know I am alone in agreeing with you that failures will occur, but your best course of action relies on coming to terms with reality and your personal limitations and finding a way to navigate around it. I hope this helps.

[Wingnut]

At least I'm not going to have the police investigate this matter, Lizzy.

Whoa! Completely inappropriate, not to mention off-topic.

[Jackol]

Stop giving the "problem" energy. I think that your focusing on the problem too much and that is lending your energy to it. Don't think about the Eiffel Tower.... there.... you thought about it... even though I said not to.

The mind only thinks in positive actions... doesn't work with negatives.

It is easy for me to say since I am married.. however, masturbation can still continue to be a problem even when you find an eternal companion. The key is to gain control of your thought. I have to do this a lot. I am a man and I have lusts just like any other man on the planet. When I find myself looking at an attractive woman, I immediately turn away and focus my FULL attention on something else in the immediate area. It tends to work well with me.

Priesthood blessings will help too!

Thanks for you advice. I have tried not giving the problem energy by not focusing on it, but that leads to slips much sooner. The problem is when the pressure gets strong it takes constant refocusing. Only a few seconds of not focusing leads to slips. This is why it becomes hard to sleep, (which is the hardest time of the day) which leads to exhaustion, which again leads to slips.

[MorningStar]

No I have not gone to one of the groups, but I have been through the PDF by advice from a Bishop. It helped me get back on track and I was good for about 9 months. The problem is the pressure never stopped building and eventually I was physically and mentally exhausted and slipped.

This might be a good thing to try though. It is a different experience to meet with a group of people who share similar struggles, but are still very admirable.

Why is it more difficult for you when you're not dating? Is it the loneliness that makes things worse for you?

[Jackol]

This might be a good thing to try though. It is a different experience to meet with a group of people who share similar struggles, but are still very admirable.

Why is it more difficult for you when you're not dating? Is it the loneliness that makes things worse for you?

Dating or not doesn't matter. It's just that trying to date while you don't have a recommend is hard. The women always ask about it and after you tell them no, dating stops.

[MorningStar]

That stinks. They probably think you have done something more serious and don't realize that's something that would deny a recommend, but it's not like you can just blurt out, "Oh, I didn't have premarital sex. I just masturbate and am trying to stop."

[Jackol]

That stinks. They probably think you have done something more serious and don't realize that's something that would deny a recommend, but it's not like you can just blurt out, "Oh, I didn't have premarital sex. I just masturbate and am trying to stop."

Exactly.

I'm almost certain if I was married and had some outlet for the ever building pressure masturbation would stop completely for me. The problem is getting married in the church when you go long stretches of time without a recommend is hard. I did have one bishop that didn't even suspend my recommend, (only in that ward 6 months though) but then I had another that 1 slip would mean no temple recommend for 6 months to a year. I was in that ward ~3 years and only had a recommend for a couple months.

Also part of my problem is I'm a very light sleeper and have only had my body relieve the pressure naturally 1 time. The rest of the time I always wake up before anything happens.

Edited March 17, 2011 by Jackol

[Dravin]

I'm almost certain if I was married and had some outlet for the ever building pressure masturbation would stop completely for me.

What happens when you have a business trip (or she goes somewhere for a time), she's sick and so not interested in sex, you've made her angry so she's not interested in sex, after she has your child and isn't supposed to have sex for a while? I'd be leery of assuming that your difficulties will resolve themselves because you get married. In fact, if you have a semi-regular outlet and then that business trip happens it may in fact be more difficult.

It might help, and I can understand why you think it would but it also may not. Plenty of married men masturbate and even look at pornography, both in and out of the Church.

[Jackol]

What happens when you have a business trip (or she goes somewhere for a time), she's sick and so not interested in sex, you've made her angry so she's not interested in sex, after she has your child and isn't supposed to have sex for a while? I'd be leery of assuming that your difficulties will resolve themselves because you get married. In fact, if you have a semi-regular outlet and then that business trip happens it may in fact be more difficult.

It might help, and I can understand why you think it would but it also may no. Plenty of married men masturbate and even look at pornography, both in and out of the Church.

You are right that is why I didn't say with 100% certainty, but I can control it now for months usually. It's just extended amounts of time is what gets me.

[Backroads]

What I think is especially hard and sad and frustrating is that one can go for months, years, assume they have repented and moved on, and then slip up again.

[Jackol]

What I think is especially hard and sad and frustrating is that one can go for months, years, assume they have repented and moved on, and then slip up again.

Yep. This is my problem. Then on top of it I had a bishop that had a zero tolerance to it so you lost your temple recommend for as long as a year.

[Saintmichaeldefendthem1]

What happens when you have a business trip (or she goes somewhere for a time), she's sick and so not interested in sex, you've made her angry so she's not interested in sex, after she has your child and isn't supposed to have sex for a while? I'd be leery of assuming that your difficulties will resolve themselves because you get married. In fact, if you have a semi-regular outlet and then that business trip happens it may in fact be more difficult.

It might help, and I can understand why you think it would but it also may not. Plenty of married men masturbate and even look at pornography, both in and out of the Church.

Yes, marriage is not the magic cure unless it is utilized. Proverbs tells us to drink water from our own cistern and to be enamored with our wife's breasts at all times. This involves a choice of looking to one's wife, and not pornography or affairs, or anything else, for sexual fulfillment. In regard to your senario, if the wife withholds her body from her husband, she is in a state of sin. As scripture explains, the husbands body belongs to his wife and the wife's body to her husband. All too many women withhold sex from their man for whatever reason and then get bent out of shape when he finds what he needs turning to porn, or hookers, or having an affair. This is wrong and if this is happening, then the marriage is on rocky ground already.

Premarital counseling is priceless.

[Backroads]

Yes, marriage is not the magic cure unless it is utilized. Proverbs tells us to drink water from our own cistern and to be enamored with our wife's breasts at all times. This involves a choice of looking to one's wife, and not pornography or affairs, or anything else, for sexual fulfillment. In regard to your senario, if the wife withholds her body from her husband, she is in a state of sin. As scripture explains, the husbands body belongs to his wife and the wife's body to her husband. All too many women withhold sex from their man for whatever reason and then get bent out of shape when he finds what he needs turning to porn, or hookers, or having an affair. This is wrong and if this is happening, then the marriage is on rocky ground already.

Premarital counseling is priceless.

Indeed it is. I have a friend who married a guy who had struggled with pornography. They thought a few trips to the bishop would solve it and didn't bother with counseling.

It's getting ugly.