Family Role Swapping

[classylady]

I've had the opportunity to do both--work and be the homemaker. I've been the breadwinner while my husband was in school, and during several occasions while he was between jobs. For many years we have also been a two-income earner family, just to make ends meet. My husband supported me in my decision to return to college so I could complete my degree. I pretty much started over because it had been so many years since I had been in school. It took my five years to complete, had my fifth child during finals week of one semester, and still managed to take care of the other six children we had at home (that includes two step-children). There have also been times when I've been a full time homemaker.

My experience is that working outside of the home is MUCH easier than staying home and taking care of the house and children. I don't know how anyone can say that running after a toddler all day, cleaning the house and then having everything undone within the hour of cleaning, changing diapers, breastfeeding, wiping runny noses, soothing crying babies, endless laundry and dishes, etc. etc. etc. is easy!

Now, what do I prefer? I loved being paid for a job well done--having that income coming in felt so satisfying. I enjoyed dressing up, being the professional, talking with my co-workers, (adult talk), and doing my job and so on. But, for me, being home for my infant baby, and being able to cuddle that baby while breastfeeding, tending to my toddlers woes and mischievousness, being home when my teenagers came in from school, saying "Mom, are you here?", and I can say "I'm downstairs doing laundry", or whatever I might be doing, to me, this is priceless! No one loves my children like I do. No one can give them the same kind of love that I can--not even my husband. I'm not saying he doesn't love the kids, but he doesn't give them the same kind of attention that I do. His love is just as important to the kids as mine, but his interaction with the kids is different. In our situation, I'm definitely the nurturer. So, even though I dislike housecleaning, I much prefer being home full time.

Over the years, I've had to do whatever was right for our family at that particular time. Pray about the circumstance that you're in. Let the Lord know how you feel. You'll receive an answer to your prayers. And sometimes, we have to do things we would prefer not to. But, if you know it's the right thing to do for your family, at that particular time, you will be at peace with your decision. Good luck!

[Guest]

Anatess, you are starting to get patronizing, here. Please don't swing the priesthood-bat at other people's opinions. I understand what you are saying and have taken into account your opinion on the matter, but this is how internet-fights begin.

Don't put words in my mouth. English may be my 3rd language, but even after rereading that statement in conclusion to the number of posts between Maureen and I, I don't see why that would sound patronizing.

I simply stated that THAT'S WHY I think that way as prefaced by my statement "My viewpoint is derived from"... to indicate that I didn't just get that thought from my buttocks. You don't have to think that way.

Okay, I might need to learn something here because applepansy thinks I've been contentious too.

Sarai and Wingnut... I would appreciate it greatly if you can rephrase that post so it doesn't sound patronizing.

Here's the entire thread between Maureen and I for your reference:

I'll start off with my response to the OP:

Completely ok if the other option is unworkable. There's a reason why women still need to be educated - preferably through college. She needs to be able to support the family if the husband is not able to.

This particular case lies in that area.

It would be different if either husband or wife do not want to switch. In this case, the husband or the wife needs to suck it up.

My friend is a stay at home dad for 10 years now simply because his wife makes twice as much as he did and his income was good before they had kids, but it isn't enough with kids. They decided to switch roles instead of postponing having children.

Then the start of the conversation with Maureen:

To be very straight forward, Yes. If the woman is the better bread winner and the man is the better nurturer, than that's the role you've been given. And depending what life situations come up, those roles are always evolving.

M.

You will be very surprised to know that I don't completely agree with this...

There shouldn't be a thing such as a "better nurturer" that qualifies you to be better suited to stay home with the kids. Just like there isn't such a thing as a "better priesthood holder" that makes the woman a better priest than her husband. Nurture is a calling. You get kids, you accepted the calling.

Also, "better bread winner" is not a good enough reason to swap roles. The financial health of a family is the difference between income and expenses. Therefore, you can make a lot out of a small income by incurring smaller expenses. More money doesn't mean you're going to be a happier family.

I look at it as people have talents. If my talent to earn a living is better than my spouse's then I should practice my talent, if my spouse's talent is being an excellent stay-at-home parent, then he should practice his talent. That's not to say that at some point, a person will not have to gain new talents, but if a couple needs to choose was jobs each will do then do the jobs you're good at.

M.

Edited March 18, 2011 by anatess

[Jennarator]

The woman can definitely be the bread winner.

Personally, the concept that some women have that they EXPECT their husband to be the bread winner while they get to have the more enjoyable job with the kids kind of bothers me. I don't have a problem being the bread winner, but I don't want it to feel like an obligation based on some universal rule, but a choice that we made together as being best for the family.

Being a stay at home mom, kept me very busy for the few monthsI did it. I think stay at home parents hard or harder (sometimes) than the person with the job.!

[Guest]

The woman can definitely be the bread winner.

Personally, the concept that some women have that they EXPECT their husband to be the bread winner while they get to have the more enjoyable job with the kids kind of bothers me. I don't have a problem being the bread winner, but I don't want it to feel like an obligation based on some universal rule, but a choice that we made together as being best for the family.

Holy Moly Batman! More enjoyable job with the kids? I will give you 1 day... yes, ONE DAY, with my kids. It will change your mind in a quickness.

I've been telling the youth that they can't babysit for me for an entire day because they will never want kids ever. Joking, of course. With a hint of truth.

[Wingnut]

Sarai and Wingnut... I would appreciate it greatly if you can rephrase that post so it doesn't sound patronizing.

Not sure what I have to do with anything, seeing as how I haven't posted on this thread since the first page.

[Guest]

Not sure what I have to do with anything, seeing as how I haven't posted on this thread since the first page.

Sorry... :) I saw you thanked the post I referred to and I've known you a while and trusts the good head on your shoulders. :)

[Wingnut]

Sorry... :) I saw you thanked the post I referred to and I've known you a while and trusts the good head on your shoulders. :)

While I appreciate that, it doesn't mean that I always agree with you.

[Guest Alana]

I can understand your worries, but I assure you I've been taking good care of my daughter. Really. But staying home and watching Netflix and playing with a one-year-old is some people's dream job, while I'd much rather be doing something much more difficult.

I must be doing something wrong.

[Guest]

While I appreciate that, it doesn't mean that I always agree with you.

Yep! On the contrary, we have been on opposite ends of a discussion a lot of times... which, in my opinion, gives you the best qualification in discerning what's wrong with the way I worded my post.

:)

[Heart_Shaped_Box]

I've been feeling like women in the relief society are generally more at ease with stay at home mothers than they are with women like me

Ah, the controversy begins. :)

This may be true, but there are other women like you. Seriously, for my entire marriage, I have been the breadwinner. I even fix stuff for a living--how nontraditional is that? Not very many women turn a wrench for a living. It's just the way things have worked out between me and my husband. I have the skills to pay the bills, and we need a place to live and food to eat. So we don't fit the mold, either. And I don't even hang with other Relief Society women, generally. But occasionally, I will make a friend here and there.

I have faith in you--that you and your husband will be able to figure things out--as far as the work situation goes. Just do what you feel is best. It's really between you, your husband, and the Lord. Ultimately, it's your choice what you do, not our choice what you do.

Hang in there, girl! You're going to make it.

Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

[mordorbund]

I'm sure the LDS church would prefer if the woman stay home but I don't think they want you to be a robot for "The Proclamation of the Family" sake. You are also asked to pray and seek guidance for your own family. I am absolutely positive there are other LDS families who function quite well with reverse roles. It's not like you can lose your salvation because of it. Maybe your husband needs a 2nd opinion; get advice from your bishop concerning your particular family dynamic.

M.

Funny you should reference The Family: A Proclamation to the World (actually, funnier that nobody had before)

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.

Sure it lays out tradition roles, but it also acknowledges that not every family will always fit the mold.