Trying to get back into the church

[collegestudent101]

I am a college student and have stopped going to church. Sometimes I go to institute but very rarely. I don't feel worthy to pray and I know my Heavenly Father loves me but I have a hard time with the Church. My first week in a single's ward we were told that if we were not planning on getting married in the next five years we were selfish. I have a hard time with how the church pushes marriage on those who just got out of high school. I am planning on going to law school and I am open to the idea of marriage but right now I want to focus on my education. Is that selfish? I am looking for advice or suggestions how to get over my pride and start going to back to church along with how to get back into the gospel.

[FunkyTown]

I am a college student and have stopped going to church. Sometimes I go to institute but very rarely. I don't feel worthy to pray and I know my Heavenly Father loves me but I have a hard time with the Church. My first week in a single's ward we were told that if we were not planning on getting married in the next five years we were selfish. I have a hard time with how the church pushes marriage on those who just got out of high school. I am planning on going to law school and I am open to the idea of marriage but right now I want to focus on my education. Is that selfish? I am looking for advice or suggestions how to get over my pride and start going to back to church along with how to get back into the gospel.

Marriage is very important, as is education.

Ultimately, if the only thing stopping you going to church is that you feel you have to get an education and that you cannot do that if you're open to the idea of meeting an eternal companion, then know that those lessons don't apply to you.

Is there anything besides that you're struggling with? You aren't alone. :)

[collegestudent101]

Is there anything besides that you're struggling with? You aren't alone. :)

I have been meaning to talk to a bishop about some issues I am having but I have not been in a ward long enough to get to know my bishop. I am going to try to go to a family ward and talk to him but I always back down.

[Jackol]

I'm not going to lie. Staying active in the church is HARD, being a single adult makes it even harder IMO. You have to just make the conscience decision that you are going to go no matter what and stick to it. Even if you don't feel worthy and/or you feel awkward.

I will let you in on a little secret, just about all the single adults in your ward feel just as awkward as you. The church is built around families and marriage, (for good reason) but you are an odd duck (being single) so of course you are going to feel a little awkward.

The church wants you married as soon as possible for many reasons, but a big one is the law of chastity. Those physical urges are VERY strong and keeping them bottled up and under control with no outlet is very hard.

[The_Phoenix]

I am a college student and have stopped going to church. Sometimes I go to institute but very rarely. I don't feel worthy to pray and I know my Heavenly Father loves me but I have a hard time with the Church. My first week in a single's ward we were told that if we were not planning on getting married in the next five years we were selfish. I have a hard time with how the church pushes marriage on those who just got out of high school. I am planning on going to law school and I am open to the idea of marriage but right now I want to focus on my education. Is that selfish? I am looking for advice or suggestions how to get over my pride and start going to back to church along with how to get back into the gospel.

Never heard that one before.

[MarginOfError]

I am a college student and have stopped going to church. Sometimes I go to institute but very rarely. I don't feel worthy to pray and I know my Heavenly Father loves me but I have a hard time with the Church. My first week in a single's ward we were told that if we were not planning on getting married in the next five years we were selfish. I have a hard time with how the church pushes marriage on those who just got out of high school. I am planning on going to law school and I am open to the idea of marriage but right now I want to focus on my education. Is that selfish? I am looking for advice or suggestions how to get over my pride and start going to back to church along with how to get back into the gospel.

Never heard that one before.

It's also entirely inappropriate and priesthood leaders are not supposed to be making such comments. Who to marry and when to marry are decisions to be made by the individual. Priesthood leaders should do nothing more than help each individual prepare to make and keep sacred covenants, not dictate to them the time line of when it should happen.

I'm not going to lie. Staying active in the church is HARD, being a single adult makes it even harder IMO. You have to just make the conscience decision that you are going to go no matter what and stick to it. Even if you don't feel worthy and/or you feel awkward.

I will let you in on a little secret, just about all the single adults in your ward feel just as awkward as you. The church is built around families and marriage, (for good reason) but you are an odd duck (being single) so of course you are going to feel a little awkward.

The church wants you married as soon as possible for many reasons, but a big one is the law of chastity. Those physical urges are VERY strong and keeping them bottled up and under control with no outlet is very hard.

Nonsense. The Church wants people to get married when they are ready to make and keep the associated covenant. To do so requires developing a certain level of spiritual, emotional, and physical maturity. People should get married because they want to make those covenants, not out of a fear of sin.

[Guest saintish]

Never heard that one before.

I have heard that before maybe not that exact time limit but, stressing the importance of getting married is definitely a common theme.

[Dravin]

I have heard that before maybe not that exact time limit but, stressing the importance of getting married is definitely a common theme.

There is a difference between stressing the importance of getting married and not to let other worthwhile goals get in the way, such as education or establishing a career/buisness, before pursuing marriage and "if you aren't planning on marriage in X years you are selfish". There is a difference in tone if nothing else.

Of course the sentiment that people who aren't married by a certain time are doing something wrong is a entrenched sentiment in the culture of the Church.

[rameumptom]

Don't allow others' opinions of what the gospel means to them get in the way of what it means to you. There are no requirements in the Church to be married by a certain age. There is encouragement to marry, as a temple sealing is an important ordinance, as is building an eternal family.

However, if as you pray, the Spirit tells you to wait on marriage, then wait. If the Lord wants you married sooner than later, he will guide you down that path when it is time. Keep an open mind. Many people do college and family at the same time. It takes more work, but is a worthwhile method of doing it all.

You do need to pray, however. How else will you know what God's will is for you, if you aren't talking with him? You cannot receive personal inspiration regarding college, marriage, or any other issue in your life, if you are shutting God out through your personal pride.

Seek to do HIS will, and in the long run you will be happy you did. Seek your own path, and eventually you will find regrets in your past.

[Guest saintish]

"The spirit of the world is contagious. We cannot live in the midst of such social conditions without suffering from the effects of their allurements. Our young people will be tempted to follow the example of the world about them. There is already a strong tendency to make sport of the obligations to marry. Pretexts of ambition are set up as an excuse to postpone marriage till some special object is attained. Some of our leading young men desire to complete first a course of study at home or abroad. Being natu- ral leaders in society their example is dangerous and the excuse is one of questionable propriety. It were better far that many such young men never went to college than that the excuse of college life be made the reason for postponing marriage beyond the proper age." teachings of the prophets- Joseph F. Smith

The time period this quote was taken should be considered however, i think it is important that we dont let the worlds ideas about the proper time for marriage cloud our view of the Lords Proper time for marriage. I dont think anyone should put a timeline on when you should be married but at the same time you should not say that marriage is not an option until a certain time in my life.

I'd like to echo some of the others comments. Pray! ask the lord what is best for you and make sure you are ready for the answer he gives you.

[JudoMinja]

Every ward has certain individuals that are really good about putting the pressure on to marry. It used to aggravate me to no end when people I hardly associated with were trying to play matchmaker with me. I have found though that such aggravation stems more from an internal struggle than an external one. Yes the social pressure to marry early in the church is strong, but there are many other social pressures out there that are typically easily ignored. I tend to believe that we become aggravated by those pressures which seem to match areas where we are feeling inadequate or indecisive.

Do you feel that you are making all the necessary efforts to find an eternal companion? Are you feeling as though you are doing something wrong or lacking when it comes to dating? Sometimes, just being "open" to marriage is not really enough. Are you actively seeking a relationship? When we put this effort off in the pursuit of other goals, we often feel guilty and that guilt is what makes it harder to handle being pressured by members of the church.

I was only able to shrug off the matchmaking efforts of those in my ward when I found myself at peace with my own personal efforts. I am single, am still working on my education, and am currently not dating anyone, but when someone trys to pair me off with another single member I don't feel so aggravated by it anymore. I am at peace with my expectations for a potential spouse and find myself observing others and making careful determinations about whether or not I would be willing to pursue a relationship. Though I am not actively dating anyone, I am putting myself in social situations where I can start forming friendships.

Are you comfortable with where you stand as a single individual in pursuit of your goals? Of course, there will always be someone trying to pressure you and flouting the opinion that once you reach a certain age you're "too old to not be married", but once you are comfortable with yourself this won't matter so much.

[RescueMom]

I think that there maybe too much pressure at times. Really in your early 20's how do you know yourself, your own likes and dislikes. I'm not even talking about education, I'm talking about the ability to go from mom and dads testimony influence to say mission influence testimony and then wham no time to gain ones own testimony or experiences. How can some one who doesn't have a full grasp of what they want and like find an eternal companion with the same interests? I'm not saying wait forever or wait too long but one must know oneself before one can find someone to marry. Imagine if all the couple have in common is the church, sure that's great, but what happens after the honeymoon phase ends and all the physical excitment dies down. Are all conversations going to be centered around kids and church, and that's it? and what happens when the kids leave the nest, do you just have two worthy members sitting around staring at the floor.

Edited March 29, 2011 by RescueMom

[Jackol]

Nonsense. The Church wants people to get married when they are ready to make and keep the associated covenant. To do so requires developing a certain level of spiritual, emotional, and physical maturity. People should get married because they want to make those covenants, not out of a fear of sin.

That's not what I said, but I guess I better word what I'm trying to say better next time.

When I say the church wants you to be married as soon as possible I meant that marriage and preparing for it is priority number 1. This has been my counsel from every priesthood leader I have had, and we have even heard in GC that marriage and preparing for it should take priority over things like school and careers.

[Dravin]

That's not what I said, but I guess I better word what I'm trying to say better next time.

When I say the church wants you to be married as soon as possible I meant that marriage and preparing for it is priority number 1. This has been my counsel from every priesthood leader I have had, and we have even heard in GC that marriage and preparing for it should take priority over things like school and careers.

The part he was responding to is that the church wants you to get married ASAP in large part to avoid violating the law of chastity. I don't think MOE disagrees that the Church stresses the importance of getting married and sooner rather than later.

[beefche]

Of course the sentiment that people who aren't married by a certain time are doing something wrong is a entrenched sentiment in the culture of the Church.

It's not just the church who thinks that. I've had several non-member family/friends say or ask me questions that clearly were judgments on why I wasn't married at my age.

[Dravin]

It's not just the church who thinks that. I've had several non-member family/friends say or ask me questions that clearly were judgments on why I wasn't married at my age.

At least now you can tell them I hadn't proposed yet. :)

[Guest powerja]

I am a college student and have stopped going to church. Sometimes I go to institute but very rarely. I don't feel worthy to pray and I know my Heavenly Father loves me but I have a hard time with the Church. My first week in a single's ward we were told that if we were not planning on getting married in the next five years we were selfish. I have a hard time with how the church pushes marriage on those who just got out of high school. I am planning on going to law school and I am open to the idea of marriage but right now I want to focus on my education. Is that selfish? I am looking for advice or suggestions how to get over my pride and start going to back to church along with how to get back into the gospel.

Dear Saintish,

LDS people are human and part of that is saying really stupid things, "Like if you are not planning on getting married in the next 5 years you are selfish". You are just not at that point in the game if you are having difficulty praying. I would urge you to pray. Start with once a day. If all you can do is to thank Heavenly Father that you do not have a headache -try that, as long as you are praying. Take it one step at time and try not to let the dumb things people say get you down.

You can make it back. Don't be too hard on yourself

[grandshahi]

I am not a cafeteria Mormon, but sometimes when I hear stuff at church like you heard (one is selfish if they are not married in 5 years), I just laugh it off.

1) You are always worthy to pray. Jesus came to earth for all of us, and especially the sinner. Lay your sins at His feet, and stop trying to bear your own cross.

2) Obtaining an education - including graduate school - will make you a better person to marry when you decide to marry. There is nothing wrong with an intelligent person. In fact, I work with woman who has a PhD that is married to a construction worker who is working on his BA. Her PhD has not stopped her from being married. I would love it if my wife had an education. There is a general authority in my ward who was a doctor and his wife is a practicing lawyer. I must say, that I don't like lawyers, but obtaining an education is wonderful! :-)

[grandshahi]

Is there anything besides that you're struggling with? You aren't alone. :)

I have been meaning to talk to a bishop about some issues I am having but I have not been in a ward long enough to get to know my bishop. I am going to try to go to a family ward and talk to him but I always back down.

My dad was recently released as a bishop. We had a long road trip together, and he told me experiences he had. Trust me, you probably couldn't confess anything to a bishop that my dad hasn't heard. He lives in a ward in a typical suburban neighborhood in Salt Lake.

[dclaw]

I'm not going to lie. Staying active in the church is HARD, being a single adult makes it even harder IMO. You have to just make the conscience decision that you are going to go no matter what and stick to it. Even if you don't feel worthy and/or you feel awkward.

I will let you in on a little secret, just about all the single adults in your ward feel just as awkward as you. The church is built around families and marriage, (for good reason) but you are an odd duck (being single) so of course you are going to feel a little awkward.

The church wants you married as soon as possible for many reasons, but a big one is the law of chastity. Those physical urges are VERY strong and keeping them bottled up and under control with no outlet is very hard.

Yes it is hard to keep those urges bottled up. I have been struggling with getting hard ons in sacrament meeting lately. I think one of the Bishopric counselors is on to me though.

[dclaw]

My dad was recently released as a bishop. We had a long road trip together, and he told me experiences he had. Trust me, you probably couldn't confess anything to a bishop that my dad hasn't heard. He lives in a ward in a typical suburban neighborhood in Salt Lake.

Interesting, sounds like your Dad just completely broke the confidentiality and trust of everyone in the ward. Conversations with Bishops are supposed to be confidential, except for in your Dads case I guess, where he finds it acceptable to inform you of all the things hes "heard".

[slamjet]

dclaws, are you ok? Al you have done in the last few threads is throw fire out there trying to illicit some kind of negative reaction. It's trollish so relax.

[grandshahi]

Interesting, sounds like your Dad just completely broke the confidentiality and trust of everyone in the ward. Conversations with Bishops are supposed to be confidential, except for in your Dads case I guess, where he finds it acceptable to inform you of all the things hes "heard".

I have to take the bait on this one.

dclaw, you are wrong. My dad was bishop for 5 years, bishopric for 2, and high council for 3. I have no idea when the offenses occurred over those 10 years. In addition, I didn't know names, genders (in most cases), ages, what street the person lived on, or any other identifiable information. I just know what he had to deal with. I work as a researcher in the behavioral/psychological sciences, therefore, he asked some technical questions over the years for which I had answers and were within my professional and ethical bounds to answer. He didn't break any confidentiality rules. Haven't you ever heard general conference talks that say something to the effect of "one day a man was in my office. He said he was struggling with x". I sincerely doubt the general authorities sought permission to share the story. When they do get permission, they say so (as in the story of the birds and the ghosts in last conference).

That was the tone of my dad's conversations. He didn't ever say: Guess what, you know my neighbor, John, he was in my office confessing his porn problem. That would be a huge breach of confidentiality. In many ways, the road trip I mentioned was his way of processing the info that he was dealing with and reliving the stress he had for 5 long years.

My point in mentioning that was to let the individual who posted know that bishops have seen it all. I have never confessed something and felt like I surprised the bishop (even when I thought I would). My conversations with my dad over the years, let me know why. I really believe that if you can dream up something that is very heinous, a member of the church has probably done it and told their bishop.

Do I make myself clear? Do you still have a problem with what my dad told me?

[grandshahi]

dclaws, are you ok? Al you have done in the last few threads is throw fire out there trying to illicit some kind of negative reaction. It's trollish so relax.

Sorry I had to take the bait on that one.