How to bounce back after messing with the Law of Chastity...

[celly]

So i'm glad I found a LDS support board... this is what i'm LOOKING for...

I would like advice from people who've BEEN where i've been, and not from those who really haven't because then all you'll say is, "break up with him..." blah blah blah. Trust me, I know it's an option, and I know that it happens, but we've had a foundation of friendship before the PHYSICAL aspect came in so... this is what i'm asking to those who have been in the situation before...

Other than the basic answers of AVOID being together alone... and GO ON GROUP DATES... and have a curfew...

What are some things that have helped YOU?

I really care about this guy... we basically just allowed Satan to tempt us, and I've talked to my bishop and he is talking to his tomorrow...

My bishop has given me counsel which I am gladly accepting, and excited for the challenge... tomorrow will be the first day of not taking sacrament which I think will be fine, BUT... maybe this is what will humble me to being stronger with my boyfriend.

We both want our relationship to work and we want to work past this, but acknowledge that because we've been so intimate (without sealing the deal...) it will be a challenge for us to go backwards and back to our foundation.

K that's my story :) Any kind of tip would be great. And if you're eve THINKING about writing, "break up and RUN AWAY... and find a man deserving of your virtue..." think again, it takes TWO to tango, and i'm just as much as fault as he is.

Thanks guys!

[Guest mormonmusic]

The advice that helped me make it to the altar without blowing it was "Never be horizontal". Seems like most mistakes happen when you're horizontal together. Stay vertical.

There was the Rex D. Pinegar pledge, which was popular when I was a Single Adult -- which is that you don't kiss. Well, that lasted for about a year of our three year courtship with one person I dated, but never arried. I don't think it's realistic though. That was tough. I didn't even try to keep it with my wife when we were dating.

Edited April 10, 2011 by mormonmusic

[celly]

I think my bishop actually said that... but wait... no he was talking about equality in marriage with his wife...and held up his fingers vertically meaning "side by side"

Either way!!!... great tip Thanks!!!

[Blocky]

We were living together. I was either going to move out, get a (very) full time job and focus on activities that I enjoyed without my boyfriend (as a distraction), or get married. We got married, and seven years and three kids later I'm glad we did.

[Backroads]

You wouldn't have messed up if you didn't like each other. I can't think of a single reason you shouldn't stay with him at this point. And, with the best of non-mean intentions, any advice that you should run away/break up would imply none of it was your fault. Congratulations on working on repentance!

[Lost_one]

I would have to agree with MormonMusic. Avoid laying down together. Sounds simple, but so obvious. My ex-wife and I used to spend time at a very quiet park. Much kissing and heavy petting was very often followed. We didn't tell our Bishop and ended up going all the way, before we got married. Glad to see that your a bit smarter than we were. To say we built our marriage on very shakey foundations is putting it mildly. If I ever meet anyone again, I will stick with the churches standards completely. Well apart from kissing, cuddling and holding hands. Although, I will be doing none of those things laying down. I will also avoid being on our own or going to the cinema, unless there's a group of us.

[Guest tbaird22]

I can think of a reason they shouldnt be together. Your not supposed to pair off EVER. Poor kid will probably not go on a mission and will miss out on the best two years of his life for a girl. You should just stay friends. This is coming from someone who's broken LoC.

[kc247]

I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I both had previously broken the law of chastity with past people. We BOTH wanted to keep standards when we got together, we both knew about eachothers pasts, (I think both of us having a past made it easier for us to accept it about eachother), but this made it very difficult for us to not break the law of chastity when we were together, as it was obvioulsy both of our weaknesses. We didn't go all the way, but we messed up. We want to get married in the temple so we know we have to behave ourselves if we want that to happen. I find that you really need to keep yourselves distracted. Find things to do, go out on your dates. I know things like 'avoid being alone' is easier said than done, but it's definitely the best thing to do. You can't do bad things if you're with other people, right? We invite friends over to watch movies with us, we double date. We live in seperate cities so it's difficult for us to NEVER be alone. I recommend avoiding being in bedrooms together, or laying down together at alll. Communicate with eachother, set limits.

Honestly, I think it's much easier for me to resist than it is for my boyfriend, I can lay down with him and not be tempted to do bad things.. he can't, so we avoid laying down together for his sake. I wouldn't know that unless he told me. So make sure you know what his limits are.

It's difficult. But can be done! Definitely worth it in the end :)

[observant]

In reference to the above topic..Following the counsel of the church leaders is all important and absolutely necessary.. they will never ever lead us astray..ever...

Sometimes, however, a some help form the 'outside' is also something to take note of..

I don't know how many of you remember Ann Landers.. she used to write an advice column in the papers..and those of us in the 60's and 70's probably learned more about "life" from her than anyone else..

She was candid and outspoken but to the point..

Her fail safe advice to avoid " going too far before marriage' was succinct and to the point..

The woman was to take one aspirin ( and only 1) and place it between her knees and hold it firmly there..

It worked well. It still does.

[Backroads]

The 2nd counselor in my old singles ward had this to say: Blankets are the Devil's tools.

[a1000tears]

I think it helps to have regular meetings with your bishop or his bishop as a couple. You can both go to your individual bishops but maybe you should get counsel together. That helped me and my husband. We also met with the Bishop EVERY SUNDAY until we got married. If you know you have to be accountable to someone, then it's easier to stay on the straight and narrow.

Immerse yourself in church activities to help remind you of your goals as a couple. Always remember that the greatest temptations come right before the Lord is getting ready to HEAP incredible blessings on you. Church activities help because you are surrounded by people who will support you instead of people who may sabatoge you. Enlist the help of friends so that they can make sure you are not alone too much of the time or so they can help you avoid "pairing" off.

Don't fall under the illusion that your can handle the greatest weakness you have on your own..get the right help from the right people.

I hope you can endure this time in your life, just remember that great blessing are in store for you if you hold to your principles.

[Obolus]

I think it helps to realize that in any relationship where your desire for each other is strong, lust will masquerade as love and encourage you to push the envelope all the time. Even when you are vertical. So lust must be observed and identified as an impostor and separate from love, which only wants to ennoble the other individual. Love does not want to profane their temple.

When you become cognizant of being aroused, switch out your desire to arouse him with a desire for him to have the ability to stand in holy places. Ask him to do the same. That is the definition of love. To want someone to be able to stand before Christ.

[moosepad]

I've been through the exact same thing. Me and my boyfriend were only 16 when we broke the law of chastity. It only happened once and we kept it a secret. Though, my mom, who knows everything found out first. I was not a member at the time and neither is my family, so my mom was a little more understanding and only "grounded" me for two weeks. Eventually my boyfriend's parents became suspicious and the guilt finally made him confess. His parents at the beginning told him we could not be together ever again or at least see each other any time soon, and I was heartbroken. But we stayed in contact and I went to church every Sunday to see him. Eventually the Bishop told his parents that they were a little harsh and that needed to lighten the punishment (my boyfriend is there first child so it was their first experience with anything like this). We slowly gained his parents trust back and after a few months our relationship had returned back to normal. And while my boyfriend was unable to pass the sacrament, after 8 months he was able to take and pass the sacrament.

During that time I was not a member, and did fully understand the seriousness of the law of chastity. About a month ago I was baptized. I have repented and I have been cleansed of those sins. Now that I constantly have the Holy Ghost, I found myself being smarter with my decisions when it comes to be physical and the situations I put me and my boyfriend in. When I do have those "desires" something stops me from acting upon them. My advice is listen to the Holy Ghost. That constant whisper is something that can save you from grave sins.

[rufuswhitman]

I can think of a reason they shouldnt be together. Your not supposed to pair off EVER. Poor kid will probably not go on a mission and will miss out on the best two years of his life for a girl. You should just stay friends. This is coming from someone who's broken LoC.

Not supposed to pair off ever?

What authority is that claim based on? In addition, what sense does it make?

[rufuswhitman]

To the OP,

I would recommend changing your perspective on one point.

You said "we just allowed Satan to tempt us."

Your situation will likely be improved if you think of it as "he and I made a decision that we later regretted."

It's much harder to block metaphorical temptation from an invisible enemy than it is to take responsibility for your own physical, tangible, real behavior. I believe it will benefit you to think of it this way instead.

Nothing that you have said had is relevant to whether or not he or you should continue dating. Reread that sentence if necessary.

Hope this helps

RW

[moocow]

I tried to make it work with my ex after were already pretty intimate, and I made it about 3 months and then back to messing up. And this happened like 4 or 5 times, repenting each time. Not recommended. We broke up, but more because he wasn't willing to try to be better. If your boyfriend really TRIES to be better, and you really TRY to be better, you can both be each other's guards. Just slap his hand if he comes closer, and hopefully he'll do the same to you!

Practical advice: Don't kiss with tongue. It solved most everything for us for awhile.

[outcast]

Wow, you guys are real honest. I was in YOUR boat too. My advice. Get married.

Point out that you expect him to join your church. You love him or you would not have done what you did.

Let me point out that you have already hurt the expectations of your Heavenly Father and your church friends.

Time to be responsible and marry the guy. Any marriage can work with any man. Me and my wife didn't wait. Oops and oh well. We suffered through it and we are not stronger for it. It was stupid and hurtful and embarrassing for both of us and caused a lot of anguish. Wait till you read the Miracle of Forgiveness. Then it will all be clear. Have they given you a copy yet? REQUEST one. Check it out. It's for US.

Get married and move on. Build your life, love fight, make up and enjoy the make up process......IF YOU know what I mean....hint hint.

But don't continue your sinful path. Just decide that if you are mature enough to have sex your are mature enough to be a couple for and get married. It's BIG yes. Life is big.

[slamjet]

Get married and move on. Build your life, love fight, make up and enjoy the make up process......IF YOU know what I mean....hint hint

No, please explain.

[islelassie]

Realistically, one the transgression has been made, it feels very difficult to go back without feeling rejecting and rejected. There may be genuine reasons why a marriage can't happen right away, and that is the hardest part.

It doesn't even matter what age you are, we were in our mid 60s having been widowed and still the need for comfort and I mean comfort not lust was the driving force.

[abb8279]

Mixing modern culture with mormon standards is difficult and unnatural. In our modern culture we often wait till we are a little older to get married and we date for a long time before we get married. Frankly, I don't comprehend how anyone can remain chaste under these circumstances. God made us to want to have sex.

My wife and I felt so bad about ourselves while we were dating becasue it was so hard to keep our hands off each other. Luckily our bishops allowed us to get married in the temple but looking back on it, I kind of feel bad that I had so much guilt over somthing so natural and normal and somthing that makes us happy. The law of chastity is a good idea but trying to live it till your 25 and dating the same person for two years is stupid. We dated for 6 months and married young and after 10 years of marriage I have no regrets. All you poor single people should just put yourselvs out of your misery and get married.

Avoiding marriage and avoiding sex at the same time is a lost cause, its only going to lead to unhealthy psychological issues.

Edited June 7, 2011 by abb8279

[beefche]

All you poor single people should just put yourselvs out of your misery and get married.

Avoiding marriage and avoiding sex at the same time is a lost cause, its only going to lead to unhealthy psychological issues.

Yes, all you single people, quit having standards and just pick someone! Because if you remain single for any reason and choose to remain chaste, then there is something mentally wrong with you.

As a single woman over the age of 25 (way beyond that age), that is deeply offensive to assume we choose to remain single (some do, but many don't) and that if we are able to control our physical passions, then obviously something is psychologically off with us. Oh, please.

[abb8279]

Yes, all you single people, quit having standards and just pick someone! Because if you remain single for any reason and choose to remain chaste, then there is something mentally wrong with you.

As a single woman over the age of 25 (way beyond that age), that is deeply offensive to assume we choose to remain single (some do, but many don't) and that if we are able to control our physical passions, then obviously something is psychologically off with us. Oh, please.

Chillax. My comments are not directed toward people who are happily single with no problems. My comments are directed toward people who are single and having a problem living the law of chastity but are not considering marriage as an option.

It's okay if people do not get married till later in life or never. Its great if people don't have a problem with chastity. Its not so great if a couple has a problem with chastity (which is normal), they like to spend time together but beat themselves up over the difficulty of being chaste but do not seriously consider giving themselves the freedom of doing what is natural and good under the marriage agreement.

If a couple has a hard time obeying chastity together and they really want to obey the law of chastity but they know for certain they do not want to marry each other then the solution is very simple; break up! Completely break up and keep dating other people untill you find someone you want to marry. Once a couple breaks up I guarantee the law of chasity will not longer be a problem for them.

Edited June 7, 2011 by abb8279

[beefche]

But, you said "all you poor single people"--how can I know who you are directing your comments to unless you state that?

[islelassie]

Society's messages have changed and we are all of us influenced by society even when it clashes with our religious beliefs. Our children go to mainstream schools and probably spend more time there than they do with parents. When society's norms were chastity outside of marriage, as they were up until about 40 years ago, it wasn't so difficult but now everything is screaming sex and to remain chaste means putting yourself outside of societal norms. Even kids who go to church seem to be having sex more and more before marriage maybe because they are developing physically much earlier- so biological drives to reproduce are also coming earlier. Don't know what the answer is , I have known many devout people who have obeyed everything but the L of C when they fall in love. One young couple who know they were going to break the L of C got married secretly just so they wouldn't do that. Their parents had expected them to wait for several years and they know they couldn't. I guess that was one way around the dilemma when the only reason a couple aren't marrying is because their parents insist they wait.

[abb8279]

But, you said "all you poor single people"--how can I know who you are directing your comments to unless you state that?

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I should have stated it differently. The OP is what inspired my comment and so my mind was directed toward people struggling with chastity. I don't blame you for taking offense but maybe you could give me some leeway when you consider the setting and context of the thread.

cheers!