My wife is less-active. How to have a positive relationship in a 'mixed faith' relationship

[mackay78]

Hi,

I'm here looking for support, advice, reassurance etc.

My wife and I married (in the temple) 10 years ago. We have young children. We've always been active and held various callings over the years. We've had morning scripture study, Family Home Evenings, gone to the temple all together for family day trips. Any moral dilema was always easily resolved as we just looked to the teachings of the gospel or prayed about it as a couple if there wasn't an obvious answer. We were united in purpose and eternal goals.

4 months ago my wife stopped going to church. I won't go into the reaons here - they aren't relevant. The fact is, she has made her own choices and it's not my intention to pressurise or push her back to church. Instead I've tried to focus on being supportive, loving, compassionate and considerate. It's probably relevant to say she has stopped because she doesn't believe it anymore.

She currently lives most of the main the commandments other than sunday attendance. Not out of any religious desire or belief, but out of respect for me and the children and to avoid hurting us. She may however stop/start doing things over time as she sees fit.

We still love each other deeply. We're still commited to our marriage and our children. We still want a happy life together.

But it still hurts. It still feels lonely being the only parent taking our children to church, trying to help them read the scriptures, teaching the gospel. I worry about the impact on our children and on our marriage in the long term.

Any advice or experience from others in ways of maintaining a positive relationship when one spouse has stopped going to church? How do we reduce the chance of conflict, resentment, frustration on either part.

Please don't tell me what my wife needs to do. I respect her agency and intelligence so am not trying to impose anything on her. She is being loving and respectful towards me - I intend to give her the same. What I'm looking for is advice on how I can behave positively and find perspective and balance.

[Guest]

God promised to bless you with an eternal family if you remain faithful to His desire in all things. Therefore, continue to do the best you can in keeping your covenants and God will honor it. Because, the only way you can lose the promises God made to you is if you renege on your part of the covenant.

Yes, it will be hard and there will be times when you will be sorely tested. Keep your heart single to the glory of God and you can rise above it. Love your wife, love your children, love yourself, love God most of all.

May God bless you always.

[hiddentreasures]

I don't have alot of advice. I was unable to save my marriage (for alot reasons other than my spouse being less active). However, I did want to comment on scripture reading with the children. Will reading with the children make your wife more resentful? I think you need to be careful how and when you do things. Can you find a time (like when tucking your children in bed for a bedtimre story) to read to them that is not a time when your wife will feel like you are doing this to exclude her or show off your beleifs in her face. Although if this has been your routine before this maybe it would still be ok to her. You will really just have to follow the spirit on what will/will not work with your situation. But I do know that what you do not want to do is to make her feel excluded or to "show off" your religion. Attend the temple early in the morning before work when it is less likely to affect her. When you attend church and church meetings, return home and express your appreciation for her.

Maybe you can find new activities/traditions to share with her so she feels less excluded from "family" time with church activities?

[MorningStar]

My mom was in the same position. She thought she was marrying a strong member of the church and as a convert, she thought he was going to show her how to live the Gospel. She continued on her own with us kids.

It made Family Home Evening awkward. We wanted to live the Gospel, but how do you have Family Home Evening while excluding a member of the family? I can remember having actual lessons a few times, but my dad would go sit in the other room, so we just spent time together instead, doing something we would all enjoy. We did have prayer at dinner and my dad didn't object, but he never said it himself.

My mom usually had us stay home from church on Father's Day or come home right after sacrament meeting to show love to my dad. He was also involved in some car racing activities and sometimes she felt it was the right thing to do to go support him once in a while when it fell on a Sunday. I went along with it, but wasn't happy about it.

We tried reading the scriptures together at times, but it felt really uncomfortable with my dad around. Maybe if he still believed in God it would have been different, but he didn't. My brother, sister, and I all went to seminary, read the scriptures on our own, my brother went on a mission, and we all married in the temple even though our dad didn't believe. He never tried to persuade us to leave the church. It was my parents' mutual respect for each other's choices that kept them together.

My mom used to take us kids on outings with her individually and we had lots of talks about the Gospel then. She bore her testimony to us in lots of ways.

It was very, very hard for my mom, of course, but she is still active. She did go through a period of being less active and briefly stopped wearing her garments hoping it would improve things between her and my dad, but he was just as grumpy as ever and she thought, "What am I doing?!" It was my older brother who told her, "We need to get back to church!" Somehow all of us kids developed our own testimonies.

My dad's brother did the same thing - married a very faithful woman in the temple and left the church, but all five of their kids left too. It's hard to figure out why, but it did seem my aunt overcompensated for my uncle not believing and pushed it on the kids. My cousin was going on vacation somewhere and her mom's first response was, "You need to go to church while you're there." She seemed scared for her kids to miss church at all.

I think the best thing you can do is be a good example to your children. If they see you living the Gospel and how it makes you a better person, I think that will make the greatest impact. Study the scriptures when you can and have FHE in a way that makes your wife comfortable. Maybe she doesn't want to hear lessons on Joseph Smith, but you can have lessons on showing love to each other, honesty, and other values she finds important. Continuing to show her love will also be very important for your kids to see. Have special bonding time with them and share your testimony. It doesn't have to be like a sermon. I remember my mom simply commenting on how beautiful God made the earth when taking us for a nice drive.

Tithing might become a conflict. Not that my mom made very much money, but she paid it on what she earned. My dad didn't agree to paying on his income. Her bishop considered her a full tithe payer.

The time you spend doing church related things might become a conflict too, but your wife can't expect you to become less faithful for her sake. When going to the temple though, you could consider going very early in the morning so she doesn't feel like you've been gone all day. I don't know how close you live to a temple though. I wouldn't turn down callings, but I would also be careful about how much time I devote to them, which is wise I think even with active spouses. Meetings can become longer than necessary.

I would suggest making this Mother's Day extra special for her this year.

At times, it has been hard for my mom because she feels like she won't be with my dad for eternity. But she continues to be an awesome wife with the hope that he will eventually have a change of heart. Things aren't perfect, but they have been married for over 40 years. I'm so grateful that they are together, that we can see both of them together with our children. I hate the ugliness and complications that divorce brings and I think that would have been more miserable for everyone. We value my dad in a lot of ways even though we didn't feel like we could live the Gospel the way we wanted to.

Oh yes, my dad won't attend baptisms, baby blessings, etc. but he will drive my mom to them, go somewhere for a while, and then we spend time together at someone's house for lunch, dinner, dessert, etc. It is hard explaining to my kids though why Grandpa won't come to their baptism. The only thing he'll enter the chapel for is a funeral.

It's a major balancing act, but it can be done. I have heard complaints from former members that their families put God before them. That's not something we can agree to change, but we can make them a close second. :) I'll be praying for you. If you have any questions, you can PM me. Of course, everyone is different and my perspective is as a daughter rather than a spouse.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I'm going to come out of the closet and say I've had periods of less-activity in my life. They have usually been after extremely stressful Church experiences, which, when I share them with others, they say "I'm surprised you're still active now...". My wife has been pretty steady through these times, so I can give you my own perspective, which may overlap with the perspective of your wife.

I have a list of Do's and Don'ts.

Don'ts

1. Don't ever threaten to leave the relationship over her less-activity. If she has concerns about the Church now, this will only fuel those concerns. I know you both say you are committed to your marriage, but if this eventually does affect your commitment be judicious about how quickly you share the information. If she no longer believes the Church is a divine institution with its literal claims to absolute truth, then this will only make her feel the Church is even less desireable to belong to. My wife did this to me once and that was the effect it had on me at the time, even though I still had a testimony.

2. Don't come home from Church and say "You missed a good talk today on ........". Trying to up the attractiveness of the Church is annoying when a person has already been disaffected.

3. Don't encourage levels of contact with the Church your wife doesn't want. That's just annoying (at least, it was for me).

Do's

1. Keep doing whatever is necessary for your kids to remain faithful. It sounds like she won't stand in the way of it, so keep on doing it.

2. Accept her decision just as you're doing, and be affirming, and loving and a good husband.

3. Consider helping her stay connected to the Church for non-traditional reasons. Avoid the standard answers, and come out with ones she hasn't heard. Here are a few....even if she believes it's not true, it's a great way to help the family raise kids that have good values. Look at it as a place to become a better person, viewing thing she doesn't believe as more symbolic than literal -- as ideals to aspire to, or even myths that teach core values. Even if you don't believe the BoM is a translated record of an ancient people who actually existed, the stories are inspiring and the message conducive to getting close to God -- just as other good stories are, whether true or not. Help her see that there are people (like me in certain aspects of our faith) whose commitment is independent of its truth.

Naturally, we would like everyone to have flamingly bright testimonies of the absolute truth of the gospel. But when people fall out of this state of mind, helping them see the Church as a paradox of truth and untruth at the same time can help you stay involved. For example, when people stand up and say "I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Joseph Smith had the First Vision", I say to myself "This person really believes this, don't they?" I don't accept they KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt -- I reframe their statement as simply believing strongly.

4. Find the parts of the gospel she still believes. Focus FHE around these things, talk about these things to fulfill the family commitment/gospel commitment needs you have. You can still talk about spirituality and character-development and kindness and healthy relationships, all of which draw on gospel principles.

5. Feedback any comments people make wondering where she is at Church. For example, "Brother so and so asked about you today". For me, that mattered for some reason -- if I'm not there and people seem to care about it. If you're not there and no one seems to give a hoot, then it only reinforces some of the negative notions people can have about the Church. You be the judge if that's important to her.

6. Just let her stay in her beliefs and don't try to change her. Be a great husband....for me, I had times I felt guilty I was so estranged from the gospel/Church and wondered how it was affecting my wife. A few times, I initiated conversation with her about the impact I was having on our relationship when my wife supported me. Who knows, she might have the same desire if she feels your marriage is solid, and may be willing to make even more positive adjustments for the good of your relationship. I'd take it if I was in your shoes, and see it as progress.

7. Learn to accept your new circumstances and take them on willingly. You're in patience mode. See if she's willing to pick up the burden of driving the kids to Church activities though, to make your own burden lighter if you don't like being unequally yoked.

Hard to give solid advice without knowing the full range of issues (not that I'm asking), but as someone who has been in partly similar shoes as your wife, these are things that helped me eventually emerge as your typicall white-shirted, temple recommend-holding, home-teaching, temple-attending priesthood holder after incompetence and unChristlike behavior put a huge dent in my testimony for a while.

Edited April 10, 2011 by mormonmusic

[mightynancy]

It sounds like your marriage has an admirable foundation of love and respect. :)

MoMu said what I would in his #4. FHE can be a great family togetherness time focused on developing character and finding ways to serve others in your community.

My husband isn't active, and is really passive when it comes to my getting the kids ready and off to church. I have just accepted that.

I have a don't for people who find friends like you and me in a ward: don't ask every single week, "Where's Spouse?" I am not responsible for Spouse's whereabouts; you'll have to ask Spouse yourself. Woo, touched a nerve!

Back to you (sorry!), you said, "I've tried to focus on being supportive, loving, compassionate and considerate," which sounds loving and peaceful to me! Be sure to meet your needs as you accomodate hers - you'll have greater reserves of compassion as you do.

:)

[me1600]

we have a mixed marriage right off the bat. So maybe I can help. And yes, we have children!

We are technically Unitarian. In this way, I can worship the way I want and need to and he does what he does. I respect him in his quest for faith, he had a hard upbringing with radical athiests and he is confused by any form of religious practice but he is getting better.

He respects that I pray, teach my son about the Gospel.

I plan to have family night when my children are older and it will incorporate many things, checking in of course with my husband on his comfort level.

My parents were mixed faith too, so I was raised in the faith by my mother and my dad stayed out of it. It's okay. I am devout and I thank God as I convert that I had a Christian upbringing. (my mother also was eclectic in her faith, though a member of a baptist church, we went to Nauvoo and often talked with LDS about the Gospel) I think that is pretty awesome.

No matter what her journey is: a break, a change in faith, you can manage it. I know it's hard and scary. But others do it. God Bless you.

[Blocky]

My husband is inactive. Sometimes I wish he would go JUST to help me with the kids at church lol! Really though, the number one thing that has made it easier to be the one to get them up and ready and to church without us all melting down through the day (ages 6,4 and baby) is praying for help. I will not be surprised to find out one day that pretty much every Sunday I'm receive divine help with those little ones. I'm not saying it's easy, it's not, but I pray for help, and I get it. I'm amazed that they can sit so quietly through sacrament most Sundays when moments before walking through the door they were a crying, whining, crazy mess. I guess I focus on being grateful for getting through the day rather than focusing on how much I wish my husband would come.

It's harder on Mothers Day and Fathers Day and other holidays. I just do it anyways.

We have family prayer. Sometimes I have to ask my husband to please not eat during prayer. I ask him to be reverent during the prayer, even if he's not praying with us. We read scriptures together on the couch. Usually he is on the computer at this time in the same room. I'm not asking him to read with us or for input or for him to be listening, it doesn't bother him.

FHE... this is the area where I've been the least habitual and have the most room for improvement. When I do have it, sometimes it's more of an activity (like a movie) that we first dedicate with a prayer. Hubby doesn't have to say amen of course, but he tolerates it fine. Other times when I'm teaching a specific topic such as prayer, prophets etc we'll have family home evening alone without my husband.

In our family prayers, we ask specific things for each family member some times, and this includes my husband, sometimes he's there listening and other times not. On Sunday mornings we have our family prayer without him because he's at work and we ask that we can all feel the spirit that day and our Heavenly Fathers love.

When my children were blessed, we had it done in our home so he could be present. I don't know how it will be next year when our oldest is baptized. It does make me sad thinking he won't be able to do it. I want so much for him to be able to, but I know the most important thing that I do have control over is to keep teaching my children principles that will help them be closer to their Heavenly Father.

Even though my husband doesn't observe the Sabbath, I do and ask him to respect that. I don't buy him things on Sunday and don't go out as a family to eat out and such on that day. He knows what to expect from me, so it's easier for us to be respectful and understanding of each other on our differences that come up from one being active and the other not.

If you get depressing thoughts about how it's all on your shoulders, try to recognize where those thoughts are coming from. When I'm feeling inspired, uplifted, like it's hard but there can be peace, THOSE are the thoughts from Heavenly Father. Focus on those.

[Blackmarch]

Hi,

I'm here looking for support, advice, reassurance etc.

My wife and I married (in the temple) 10 years ago. We have young children. We've always been active and held various callings over the years. We've had morning scripture study, Family Home Evenings, gone to the temple all together for family day trips. Any moral dilema was always easily resolved as we just looked to the teachings of the gospel or prayed about it as a couple if there wasn't an obvious answer. We were united in purpose and eternal goals.

4 months ago my wife stopped going to church. I won't go into the reaons here - they aren't relevant. The fact is, she has made her own choices and it's not my intention to pressurise or push her back to church. Instead I've tried to focus on being supportive, loving, compassionate and considerate. It's probably relevant to say she has stopped because she doesn't believe it anymore.

She currently lives most of the main the commandments other than sunday attendance. Not out of any religious desire or belief, but out of respect for me and the children and to avoid hurting us. She may however stop/start doing things over time as she sees fit.

We still love each other deeply. We're still commited to our marriage and our children. We still want a happy life together.

But it still hurts. It still feels lonely being the only parent taking our children to church, trying to help them read the scriptures, teaching the gospel. I worry about the impact on our children and on our marriage in the long term.

Any advice or experience from others in ways of maintaining a positive relationship when one spouse has stopped going to church? How do we reduce the chance of conflict, resentment, frustration on either part.

Please don't tell me what my wife needs to do. I respect her agency and intelligence so am not trying to impose anything on her. She is being loving and respectful towards me - I intend to give her the same. What I'm looking for is advice on how I can behave positively and find perspective and balance.

Don't force, but always invite, then tell her you love her, no matter her answer (remember not to push it). Ask how you can help her have a better day.

Maybe share something you've learned or something like that. the big thing is to do things for her and to share your love for her, and not yourself.

Then at home you are going to have to take an initiative to invite the spirit- you are going to have to do more scripture study on your own time, more prayer on your own time. Make sure to ask God to soften her heart so that she may feel the spirit. you may want to fast on this.

You may have to exercise some patience on this.

Also does your wife get involved with any church activities? (IE relief society) and conversely does anyone from the church visit?

Edited April 11, 2011 by Blackmarch

[Backroads]

It sounds like for all other intents and purposes your marriage is quite healthy. There seems to be committment and respect.

I just want to ask a question:

Do either of you look down on each other for spiritual views? i.e., is she currently thinking you are an uneducated idiot or vise versa?

I ask this because that lack of respect seems to be a cause of mixed-religion divorces. If people are able to handle spiritual differences with respect and without looking down on anyone, it's much more likely to succeed. Problems tend to arise when pity, disrespect, and patranization come into play.

[mackay78]

Thanks everyone for your lovely words of encouragement. It's really reassuring to be reminded I'm not the only one doing this. Most of the friends at church we hang out with are couples with kids like us. Sometimes on a Sunday I feel a bit lonely and as if I'm tagging along. If I think about it too much I feel a bit isolated and downbeat. It's not all the time, but it's still a fairly constant sadness if I spend time thinking about it. I let myself cry sometimes, but usually in private. My branch president is being very supportive, so's my mum.

To answer a couple of questions... Blackmarch - she doesn't want any official visiting teachers and stays out of the way when the home teachers come round. She's got 3 or 4 really good friends from church and she usually hangs out with at least one of them most weeks and exchanges emails/texts with them. She's been to one or two activities and she's going to attend our daughter's baptism which is coming up soon. But she doesn't consider herself a 'less-active mormon' - just nothing religious/spiritual. Having said that, at least there's a willingness to occasionally associate with other church members in a church building - it must be really hard for a few of you whose partners/parents won't even go into the building.

As for Backroads question... this was an issue initially. A few times she was quite belittling saying I was just being superstitious/looking for reassurance/doing it because my parents had - but after I pointed out that she wasn't giving me the respect that she expected from me, she acknowledged this and has been more supportive and respectful of me and my wishes to teach the children.

I find it really difficult to not catastophise. I worry most about the kids. Morning Star - it was very reassuring to read that you and your siblings all stayed active despite the situation you were in. All the kids are very happy going to church and this evening while tucking them into bed and reading stories, they were all the ones who said 'can you help me read my scriptures.'

I need to get over a current feeling of lethargy and flat motivation. I know I've got to pick myself and press forward... but I'm just feeling a little cheesed off with life and the situation I'm in. Not to the extent of wanting to give up on my family. But just a bit deflated that I've got to be the lead on all things spiritual. Like I said before, it seems a lonely prospect.

Thanks again for all your kind words and supportive messages. It's really helpful. God bless you all.

[Jennarator]

You are in a tough spot, but sounds like you have an open mind and are doing the best you can. So glad to hear you are committed to the marriage. :)

My suggestions:

Make FHE lesson relavent to everyone, focusing on morals and values. i.e. honesty, charity, etc. That way she can be included and not feel that you are trying to re-convert her. And do lots of fun activites as well.

Do a daily scripture study with the children, and as already suggested try to keep them as active in the church as possible.

Don't invite missionaries, visiting teachers home teachers over just to try to reactivate her.

Find out what she is and isn't comfortable with. Does she want to participate in blessing the food at each meal? things like that. If she doesn't want to do family prayers, perhaps you can still do them with your children maybe at night after she helps with the bed time routine.

Don't give up and become less active with her. It can be very easy and very, very tempting.

I have been there. It was easy to sleep in on Sundays when my husband didn't want to get out of bed, soon as I saw where that was heading I made the choice to just go to church. Good LUCK! You seem to be doing the best you can and that is all anyone can expect.

[Blocky]

I'm just feeling a little cheesed off with life and the situation I'm in. Not to the extent of wanting to give up on my family. But just a bit deflated that I've got to be the lead on all things spiritual. Like I said before, it seems a lonely prospect.

Thanks again for all your kind words and supportive messages. It's really helpful. God bless you all.

I understand the feeling. Sometimes I go through the day muttering to myself "I can do hard things." Gotta love lessons from primary. Nonetheless, my life is good and I love my husband. I remind myself a lot that I don't have to do a perfect job, because I do feel overwhelmed sometimes. Still, I'm doing it, and I'm happy even if lonely at times.

[jayanna]

you do have a lot of company, mackay. I know it is hard, my hubby was not going to church for a few years after we got married. He did not want to talk about it, and was angry if I brought it up. As sad as it sounds, I literally cried just about every single Sunday for 3 years. Every time someone mentioned eternal families I turned into a water sprinkler.

Hang in there. It might seem permanent right now, but eternity is a long time, and at some point she just might have a spiritual experience...and guess who she will want to talk about it with, if you are kind and don't do the "I told you so" thing.

I think you are doing great. Pray for her and keep loving her. Don't give up. Those little ones will be so proud of you when they have grown up and look back at the really great dad they've got. Big hugs for you.

In 1 Cor. ch. 7 it says a bit about an unbelieving spouse. There are probably a lot of talks concerning that problem as well.

Also, I think you should do some friend activities outside your home, maybe play a sport with your friends, or occaisionally catch a movie or something. It's best to relieve a little stress on the home front by playing outside rather than staying indoors and letting things build, if you get what I mean.

You could perhaps do a service project with your church friends. I have found that oftentimes nonbelievers will be more apt to participate in an activity that has more to do with helping others and nothing at all to do with proselytizing. My husband, for example, was always willing to help those that were in need of a helping hand, moving, fixing fences, repairing roofs, etc. even though he did not want to discuss the gospel.

Altogether, I think you are doing a fine job.

[rufuswhitman]

The longest lasting way to have a positive relationship with her:

stop expecting her to measure up to anything. Always be on her team, never on anyone else's team against her. Accept her as-is. Be supportive of her finding peace in her own way and in her own time.

I don't know which of these would be changes for you, as I don't know your behavior. However, the principles still apply.

More so-called mixed marriages fall apart because of one spouse claiming right over the other spouse's feelings or actions than of mixed marriages where they will always be a team, no matter what.

RW