Relationships and Chronic Illness/Disability

[hyohko]

Ok, so Backroads asked this question in a more lighthearted manner, but I'd like to take the discussion in a more serious direction.

This being mortality, at some point most of us will face at least one episode of serious illness ourselves or we will watch a dear family member suffer through something. However, on a more personal note, the following situation and questions:

First, a disclaimer: I am an active 25-year-old male YSA (RM) with a college degree, and I'm about to start a graduate program in my discipline. I am not currently in an exclusive relationship, but I'm looking. I don't live at my parents' house and I have a pretty well-paying job.

Last April, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. For those of you unfamiliar with this disorder, I refer you to Wikipedia's entry on the subject. In my case, the initial progress of the disease has been uncertain; there are many things I can still do, but most of my athletic ability is gone, I have some memory loss, and I am often hit with severe fatigue that occasionally makes doing anything nearly impossible. While I do not know how fast my disease will progress, based on the disease course so far I can estimate that at some point between three and thirty years from now, I WILL be confined to a wheelchair and be unable to work.

Especially in light of the chastisement delivered by three general authorities at conference, I have been especially anxious about my situation concerning dating and relationships. Given my health, I cannot help but worry that knowledge of my illness will make me become a liability for an otherwise eager marriage-seeking woman. As such, I am reluctant to tell anyone the real reason I don't feel well most of the time, and yet, I know that as time passes within a relationship, I'm going to have to tell the truth eventually.

So, my questions for this community:

1) If you are dating or engaged and your BF/GF suddenly tells you that they a serious, permanent illness, how would you react? If this has already happened to you, and you decided to get married despite the trial, please share your story.

1a) If you are the one with the illness, how did you bring up the topic? What was the other person's reaction, and how did you deal with it?

2) If you are married and then afterwards one of you is diagnosed, how did you handle the situation? If you are going through that right now, what helps you to cope?

3) How far along in a relationship should I disclose my illness? First date? Third date? At the "going steady"/DTR mark?

4) What happens if the word gets out into the ward? How should I handle damage control?

Ok, lots of questions, but let's start there.

----Thanks in advance for replies. As you might have guessed, this has been on my mind for some time.

EDIT - If the mods think that General Discussion or some other board is a better spot for this post, please feel free to move it.

Edited April 14, 2011 by hyohko

[Guest]

I'll answer the questions out of order:

4) What happens if the word gets out into the ward? How should I handle damage control?

Not sure why you feel like you have to hide it. My bishop's wife just got diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. He announced it at the pulpit.

We have another ward member who has MS. I'm her visiting teacher and she sometimes calls me to help her with the children when she goes to the hospital/doctor. So, yeah, she told me about her MS before I even became her visiting teacher.

Okay, so these people are already married and all... but, I don't see why it matters if you're single. If they dated you not knowing of your condition, there's a chance they might back out when they do find out. If they already know you have the condition and they dated you anyway, then that's one thing out of your mind...

1) If you are dating or engaged and your BF/GF suddenly tells you that they a serious, permanent illness, how would you react? If this has already happened to you, and you decided to get married despite the trial, please share your story.

I would be very upset that they didn't bother telling me before we got serious. Especially something like MS that requires lots of support from a spouse.

1a) If you are the one with the illness, how did you bring up the topic? What was the other person's reaction, and how did you deal with it?

I don't have an illness, so I wouldn't know first hand. But, like I said, it would be much easier if you weren't hiding the information in the first place. I'm thinking something like - "Hi, my name is hyohko, I would love to go out with you on Saturday night... and I have MS". Well, okay, maybe not that in-your-face but you get the idea...

2) If you are married and then afterwards one of you is diagnosed, how did you handle the situation? If you are going through that right now, what helps you to cope?

I wouldn't know that first hand either. But, I told you about our bishop who announced it at the pulpit and everybody - especially the RS - is there to support him and his family through it all. His wife has always been a fun, out-going, always smiling/laughing type of person. When she got diagnosed, she wasn't as out-going anymore but she is still the fun/smiling/laughing girl we all love.

3) How far along in a relationship should I disclose my illness? First date? Third date? At the "going steady"/DTR mark?

Definitely before you get serious. If the subject comes up on the first date, even better.

Just my 2 cents.

[JudoMinja]

I believe it is always best to be absolutely straight forward and honest about everything, especially when dating and meeting someone who may someday want to marry you. It's best to get a serious illness out in the open right away. It may limit the number of girls willing to continue dating you, but it prevents hurt on both ends because do you really want to end up attached to a girl who cannot handle living with your illness in the first place?

I'm a divorced single mother. I left an abusive relationship and have issues from it. I also am in my parents will to adopt my autistic brother when they die. I don't hide these facts. I state them openly. Anyone who doesn't want to deal with these things I'd rather not waste my time dating.

[pam]

Especially in light of the chastisement delivered by three general authorities at conference, I have been especially anxious about my situation concerning dating and relationships. Given my health, I cannot help but worry that knowledge of my illness will make me become a liability for an otherwise eager marriage-seeking woman. As such, I am reluctant to tell anyone the real reason I don't feel well most of the time, and yet, I know that as time passes within a relationship, I'm going to have to tell the truth eventually.

Keep in mind that when GA's talk about this, they are chastising those that are healthy and able to enter into a marriage but choose to live the carefree single life instead.

I don't see that the chastisement would apply in your situation. You sound like you are willing and would certainly want to be able to follow their counsel. So please get that thought out of your head that you are somehow not following the counsel of our General Authorities. Again, it's for those that deliberately go against the counsel.

[Backroads]

1) If you are dating or engaged and your BF/GF suddenly tells you that they a serious, permanent illness, how would you react? If this has already happened to you, and you decided to get married despite the trial, please share your story.

1a) If you are the one with the illness, how did you bring up the topic? What was the other person's reaction, and how did you deal with it?

2) If you are married and then afterwards one of you is diagnosed, how did you handle the situation? If you are going through that right now, what helps you to cope?

3) How far along in a relationship should I disclose my illness? First date? Third date? At the "going steady"/DTR mark?

4) What happens if the word gets out into the ward? How should I handle damage control?

Ok, lots of questions, but let's start there.

----Thanks in advance for replies. As you might have guessed, this has been on my mind for some time.

EDIT - If the mods think that General Discussion or some other board is a better spot for this post, please feel free to move it.

1. I have an old boyfriend who had been in a severe car accident several years before. At the time of our relationship, he was still largely in a wheelchair and will probably be so for several more years. We met online, and had been chatting for several weeks via the internet when he told me. Didn't bother me in the least. In fact, it intrigued me (I have a weird curiosity about medical situations). And I don't want this to sound weird but having known and worked with (and dated) people confined to wheelchairs... there is something... how shall I put this... not entirely unsexy about a wheelchair. He was very worried and scared how I would react. I honestly did not and do not care. As long as the person isn't wallowing in self-pity and still participating in life, I'm good.

It reminds me of when my husband, after several dates, asked me if our mutual friend who had set us up had ever told me that he a divorcee. Made me curious, but didn't bother me in the least.

2. n/a

3. 3rd date, give or take. Definitely before the DTR (you want a serious relationship but you didn't trust me before?!?!), but first dates are by definition awkward and let's not make it worse. But by the 3rd date or so, you're obviously interested each other and is often the stop-or-keep-dating point.

4. Honestly, I think word eventually gets out one way or another. I say trust the people of the ward.

[hiddentreasures]

I wouldn't try to hide it. I would be upfront with girls your are dating at the earliest time the subject comes up. It is part of who you are, like being a graduate student, having a job. MS is just part of the package deal. Be a worthy priesthood holder. That is the most important thing in a marriage. MS of course brings its challenges. And the girl you marry has to be willing to accept that. Personally, I would not decide not to marry someone because of MS. The person you marry will have to be willing to accept the challenges. Speaking from personal experience, the idea of marrying someone with physical issues is something I could accept, while marrying someone with severe spiritual issues is not. Although the spiritual issues may not be manifest before the marriage. So be a worthy priesthood holder. Trust in the Lord.

[Suzie]

1) If you are dating or engaged and your BF/GF suddenly tells you that they a serious, permanent illness, how would you react? If this has already happened to you, and you decided to get married despite the trial, please share your story.

I will probably be shocked depending on the illness.

2) If you are married and then afterwards one of you is diagnosed, how did you handle the situation? If you are going through that right now, what helps you to cope?

A sister from my ward is going through this right now. Her husband was the provider and after he was diagnosed with MS he no longer can. She is now working AND studying while he stays home with the kids. Now let me tell you that this sister is a very emotional person and cries for everything so I was very surprised at how well she dealt with the whole issue.

3) How far along in a relationship should I disclose my illness? First date? Third date? At the "going steady"/DTR mark?

I would only disclose it after a few dates AND if I really like the person. Nobody goes on a first date and start saying "I have bad breath" "I have cancer" "I suffer of schizophrenia" Ummm..beautiful for a first date....NOT!

[Blocky]

When you're first starting to date someone there's always a LOT of talking. You're getting to know that person. It could come up the first date. It could come up the 3rd. If you're already engaged, that would be waiting too long:) As far as how to tell the person, when you're having a conversation, you finish with one topic and start with an other. You can simply say, 'do you know what MS is? Well, I have it." They'll ask some questions, you'll answer and then you'll probably talk about something else.

I have lupus. I don't remember when I told my now husband while we were dating. It was more like 'uh, I'm tired tonight, I can't tell if it's the Lupus or if I'm getting a cold.' Then we talked about Lupus. He said, hmmm, ok. A few weeks later he asked more questions, I answered them, that was it. Can the lupus dramatically affect our lives one day? May I be disabled from it? Need a new kidney some day? Could I die directly from it? Sure, but we'll just deal with it.

Almost all of us have something that we may need to deal with someday, some of them affect us now and more severely, you just got to put it out there and let the person decide if it's too big of a deal for them. Me personally, MS would not be a deal breaker at all. If my husband was to be diagnosed with something major, I would be much more concerned about HIM than how I'm going to deal with it. I'll take care of him no matter what, and love him the whole way through. You can most definitely find a wife that will do the same.