being happy with what you have

[Gwen]

In my signature I have the quote ....

The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be.

-Robert Fulghum

In my kitchen I have the posted on the wall...

Life isn't waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain.

I see quotes all the time about how it's never what happens that determines if we are happy but how we react to and perceive those things.

I can't find the quote but I recall reading more than once that frustration or unhappiness comes from the difference between what is actually happening and what we think ought to be happening. So you get left with 2 options, change what is happening or change what you think ought to be happening.

I believe all those things.... in philosophy.

I understand the application on smaller things.... but how do you make it work on a larger scale?

What if changing what is happening isn't in your control? Crossing fences isn't an option, doesn't matter how green the grass is it's not the kind of grass you want..... How do you change your perception? How do you make what you think ought to be happening fit what is happening so you can be happy with what you have? Can you simply choose to want something you don't?

[JThimm88]

I have the same quote, the second one, on a decorative board my MIL gave me. :)

[JudoMinja]

It's like the serenity prayer. We have to learn to recognize what we can and cannot change, have the strength to make any necessary changes, and have the peace of mind to accept what cannot be changed.

Making it happen is an entirely internal thing which we can improve upon with practice. Think of an example of something small you are having trouble being happy about. Figure out if it is something you can change. If you can, do so. If you can't, let it go. Keep thinking of other examples you can practice this on and repeat the process.

I don't think any of us can say we have mastered this ability with 100% of the things in our lives. It is a life long process.

[rufuswhitman]

It is difficult to give a blanket answer to these questions without having a specific example, but here are some thoughts to consider:

If something that is happening is not in your control:

a) realize it is not in your control

b) you do not have to like it, nor accept it, nor be happy with it

c) nor should you feel guilty or responsible for it

You change your perception in various ways, among them:

a) learning more about what is happening outside of you (often found by reading what others have to say)

b) learning more about what is happening inside of you (often found by writing them out)

c) realizing that, as you learn, your conclusions will change

How do you make what you think ought to happen fit with what is happening so you can be happy with what you have?

a) you can control those things that are within your right to control

b) relationships work better if you do not try to control those things that are not in your rights to control

c) who says being happy with what you have is always desirable? More on this later.

Can you simply choose to want something you don't?

a) You can choose to want it.

b) You won't want it, though, until you do.

c) You may not ever want it.

I do not know of anything that says there is anything the matter with preferring or liking one thing vs another. Society works better if people have things they like and dislike, and make them known.

As to "being happy with what you have", this is an impossible question to answer as-is. Not liking what you have can motivate you to change what is rightfully within your influence to do so.

For example, a woman may dislike that her daughter has chosen to marry a boy that the mother does not consider "good enough" for her daughter. There are all sorts of ways that she can try to exert influence--beg, plead, intervene, interfere, manipulate, scold, lecture, threaten. An important question the mother needs to answer is whether any part of her motivation has to do with herself. Will she feel like a bad mother if...?

One principle to keep in mind is that you are responsible for the initiation and consequences of your own feelings and actions. Others are responsible or the initiation and consequences of their own feelings and actions. All manipulation, and most guilt, shame, and fear, are the result of people overlapping the above two responsibilities.

What is it that you are not happy with? Before you figure out how to become happy with something, you need to figure out why you want to be.

RW

[Gwen]

For example, a woman may dislike that her daughter has chosen to marry a boy that the mother does not consider "good enough" for her daughter. There are all sorts of ways that she can try to exert influence--beg, plead, intervene, interfere, manipulate, scold, lecture, threaten. An important question the mother needs to answer is whether any part of her motivation has to do with herself. Will she feel like a bad mother if...?

What is it that you are not happy with? Before you figure out how to become happy with something, you need to figure out why you want to be.

RW

Let's just go with this example for now. Let's say the mother in law isn't happy with the daughters choice simply because they don't mesh well. The daughter is happy, he's a good husband but maybe the mother in law didn't have any sons. She had all these dreams about finally having a son and all the wonderful things that come with it and now that day is here and they just don't click. They clash at every turn. How does the mother in law change how she feels? She can't cross fences so how does she want the son in law she has, truly be happy with the decision her daughter made?

Why would she want to be happy with with what she has? Because that is the right thing to do, she wants a real relationship with her son in law. It beats being tense and "cordial" at all the family events instead of being really comfortable and happy at the times that we should be most happy.

[Guest]

Let's just go with this example for now. Let's say the mother in law isn't happy with the daughters choice simply because they don't mesh well. The daughter is happy, he's a good husband but maybe the mother in law didn't have any sons. She had all these dreams about finally having a son and all the wonderful things that come with it and now that day is here and they just don't click. They clash at every turn. How does the mother in law change how she feels? She can't cross fences so how does she want the son in law she has, truly be happy with the decision her daughter made?

Why would she want to be happy with with what she has? Because that is the right thing to do, she wants a real relationship with her son in law. It beats being tense and "cordial" at all the family events instead of being really comfortable and happy at the times that we should be most happy.

This is in the realm of... change your perspective.

If my son ever marries a girl I don't like, I will have to find every way to see her as he sees her and love her as much. I might fail, but I know I will get back up and try and try again... until forever. Because, every person ... and I mean EVERY person including Ted Bundy - has some good in them. It might be harder for me to find what it is in Ted Bundy, but I am going to find it.

[rufuswhitman]

Okay, now there is something that we can work with.

Some suggestions for the mother-in-law would include:

a) listing what it was she wanted out of a son-in-law

b) listing how the real son-in-law compares

c) listing how many of those are based on her own preferences, not his flaws

So far, it sounds like he is an innocent party that is being treated as guilty of violating some expectations that he didn't sign up for. The problem is in the expectations. It is unfair to have them, just like it would be unfair for him to have an expectation of a mother-in-law that showers them with money or that buys them drugs.

You will note an increase in love for him when you accept him as a person, as-is.

Then, on a clean sheet of paper, list:

a) the son's talents, virtues, and interests, i.e. what the mother likes about him

b) which of those talents, virtues, and interests she has genuine interest in

c) keeping their conversations safely in those arenas where there is maximum agreement

If this is non-hypothetical, then I understand it's difficult. Don't get me wrong. You don't have to like everything about him to like some of him and to care about his well-being.

I have friends and family that I can care for and spend time with and enjoy our time together even though they behave in ways that, ahem, don't benefit anyone. I have siblings that I love, but I don't like very much, and yet we can get along well in our time together because we stay in those areas we have in common.

Hope this helps.

RW

[Wingnut]

I'm currently reading The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin, for book group. I highly recommend it. It will help you reflect on your own happiness in many ways, and how to best achieve it.

[Backroads]

Last year I read a comparison of studies: A few decades ago, people would list as their necessities stuff like house, water, etc. Nowadays, you ask for necessities: phone, tv, car, computer, etc.

[rufuswhitman]

I am not surprised to hear about that study. With each generation, our expectations rise. This is not (by itself) good or bad.

A car with air conditioning used to be a luxury. A house with indoor plumbing used to be a luxury. Nowadays, such things are so commonplace as to be considered "standard", so then the next level of necessities come in.

This has its perks and drawbacks, but I for one am happy to regularly have clean clothes, no serious illnesses, transportation, good food, etc., without having to spend the majority of the day providing them.

RW

[Gwen]

Ok, let's change the example a little. The son in law isn't an innocent victim. It's not that they just clash in personality but there are a few fundamental things that just aren't right. For the most part he's a good provider and takes good care of her daughter. But he doesn't see the daughter as equal. He thinks he has a blank check to make all the decisions and she shouldn't question it. For the most part his decisions aren't "bad" but she knows over time what this will do to her daughter. The destructive nature of never having an opinion or valuable input on a decision.

She can't change the son in law. She can't make her daughter see the writing on the wall. She doesn't want to cause discord in the relationship by trying to force the daughter to see it. It's very hard for her to accept the way he views her daughter. How does she accept things? How does she learn to be happy with what she has instead of being unhappy every time she thinks about her daughter's life?

[Guest]

Ok, let's change the example a little. The son in law isn't an innocent victim. It's not that they just clash in personality but there are a few fundamental things that just aren't right. For the most part he's a good provider and takes good care of her daughter. But he doesn't see the daughter as equal. He thinks he has a blank check to make all the decisions and she shouldn't question it. For the most part his decisions aren't "bad" but she knows over time what this will do to her daughter. The destructive nature of never having an opinion or valuable input on a decision.

She can't change the son in law. She can't make her daughter see the writing on the wall. She doesn't want to cause discord in the relationship by trying to force the daughter to see it. It's very hard for her to accept the way he views her daughter. How does she accept things? How does she learn to be happy with what she has instead of being unhappy every time she thinks about her daughter's life?

Do your best and God will do the rest.

There was this book I got from my work - part of this management training class - that had a quote. I can't remember the book nor the author nor the exact quote, but it goes kinda like this: "I do not scold. I am too busy fixing my mistakes to find time to ponder on why God saw it fit to deprive others the gift of perfection." Or something to that effect.

Anyway, yes, we wish the kids are still 10 so that they are still obligated to listen to us... but when they're married and on their own, they will just have to learn things on their own. It's back to learning to walk again - we wish the kid wouldn't fall and scrape her knee but she does - because you kinda have to fall so you can learn to find your balance. You can hold her hand only so much - she has to learn to walk on her own.

So, as part of holding her hand, I'm not going to add more challenges to her life by having to choose between him and me on top of it all. I just have to trust that she knows what she is doing - and if she doesn't, that she is strong enough to survive it. And if she falls, then I'll be there for her to run to.

Charity never faileth.

[applepansy]

Gwen, I have a slightly different perspective on this subject. It really doesn't matter the specifics. The one thing we can change and have control over is our attitude. Our attitudes about things and people determine if we're going to be happy or not. Attitudes are the settled way we think or feel. When we identify our attitude in a specific situation (such as your MIL scenario) then we can apply specifics to change the attitude we have.

But it still comes down to attitude.

Sometimes its ok to not be "happy" about something such as your scenario. Not being happy about someone treating our child badly is a normal and healthy emotion. By choosing how to act on that emotion is where you choose your attitude. A person can choose a destructive attitude or one that helps lift the daughter while at the same time not tolerating bad behavior toward the daughter.

Its possible to find peace while waiting for others to exercise their agency.

[Gwen]

Should someone try to be happy even when something isn't right? Are you just accepting the wrong and enabling things if you try to be happy in spite of it instead of being upset about it and pushing for change?

[crashdown]

A speaker at our youth conference made this point and I think it is a good one: we cannot change our attitude until we change our behavior.

The only things we have any control over are our attitudes and behaviors. And they are not the same thing. Our attitude is the reflection/result of our behavior. Our behavior is the accumulation of our choices.

Choosing how we act is not choosing our attitude, at least not directly. It is choosing a behavior. And that behavior, if continued, will ultimately become our attitude. So, if you want to change your attitude, change your behavior.

Does that make sense?

[crashdown]

Should someone try to be happy even when something isn't right? Are you just accepting the wrong and enabling things if you try to be happy in spite of it instead of being upset about it and pushing for change?

I would say, if a person is allowing wrongful things to occur, without making any attempt to correct it, just smiling and "taking it", then yes, it's enabling and not healthy.

But to be discontent and unhappy with a situation, to be upset about it, and still be happy? Yes, that's very possible. I don't like being in an abusive marriage. I'm not happy about it. I am extremely upset/hurt/angry!!! However......I'm still happy. I can still find things to be happy about, even in my marriage. For example, I am happy when we take vacations together. I am happy when we go camping together. I am happy when we have family prayer. I am happy when we work together in the yard.

I am learning that I can be happy and still find the good even when things are going tremendously wrong. It is not denial, by the way.

(Wow. I sure had a lot to say today. I hope it all made sense.)

Edited April 28, 2011 by crashdown

[Guest]

crashdown... you're the woman!

[Suzie]

I don't like being in an abusive marriage. I'm not happy about it. I am extremely upset/hurt/angry!!! However......I'm still happy. I can still find things to be happy about, even in my marriage. For example, I am happy when we take vacations together. I am happy when we go camping together. I am happy when we have family prayer. I am happy when we work together in the yard.

I am learning that I can be happy and still find the good even when things are going tremendously wrong. It is not denial, by the way.

It makes absolutely no sense to me to be honest but it doesn't have to make sense to me but to you. :)

[crashdown]

It didn't make any sense to me, either, when my bishop counseled me to look for the good things in my marriage. In fact, I was FURIOUS with him, so furious I wanted to leave the church permanently!! I thought he was asking me to accept, like, and even welcome the abusive behavior, and that he didn't care at all what was happening to me. And since he is the spokesperson for God, I also thought that God didn't care what happened to me or how I was being treated.

But then a curious thing started happening. I started noticing small, but good things. Like how much fun we had hiking. Or how enjoyable the family vacation was. It was then that I realized that seeing the good doesn't mean I have to like my situation or even my hubby! Nor does it mean I have to be content with it, either, because I most certainly am NOT!

I'm not sure how to explain it. I guess you could call it recognizing the tender mercies our Father in Heaven gives us, even in the midst of hell. It's like a small, quiet "shot in the arm" from heaven.

Look, I don't want to paint myself as a saint because I'm not. I REALLY struggle with my marriage!!! I still have pity parties, I still question my worth, I still have my doubts, I still wonder if I am loved at all. But recognizing those tender mercies does help quiet those negative thoughts and gives me the boost I need to keep going.

[Suzie]

It didn't make any sense to me, either, when my bishop counseled me to look for the good things in my marriage.

He told you that knowing you are in an abusive relationship or he didn't know about the abuse?

[crashdown]

He knew.

[Elphaba]

He knew.

Do you have children? Because if you do, he is also abusing them even if he does not lay a hand on or raise his voice to them. When a spouse abuses the mother or father of his/her children, s/he is abusing them as well.

Are you also supposed to find the good things about that?

ETA: I'm sorry. I do not mean to sound harsh or cruel. I reacted to what you wrote without taking a moment to calm down. I do know these things are extremely complicated.

But if you do have children, I find your bishop's counsel shocking and dangerous. There is nothing good enough to be found in a marriage to warrant abusing its children.

And if you don't have children, then seriously consider not having them. You are an adult and can choose to stay in the relationship. They do not have that choice and you do not have the right to subject them to that.

Elphaba

Edited May 2, 2011 by Elphaba

[Gwen]

Depends on the kind of abuse. You have to keep in mind church leaders can not counsel someone to get a divorce.

New scenario. In all the threads for advise on relationships there is a lot of talk about needs. Learning to communicate your needs, meeting your spouses needs, etc. Starting from that idea....

Let's say you have a husband and wife and one has a need. It's a huge deal for that person, they can not be happy if that need isn't met. The spouse is aware of it, does their best but no matter how hard they try they can't fill the need without becoming miserable too. Their efforts are never enough. The need requires a level that the spouse just can't meet. To over simplify it they just aren't compatible, one of them is doomed to be unhappy for the other.

What options does the couple have?

What if they don't want to divorce?

Are they just supposed to accept being unhappy and hope somehow life is better on the other side?

Can the spouse with the need just decide to want what they have, change how they feel by wanting it?

[Suzie]

Depends on the kind of abuse.

What do you mean by depends on the kind of abuse?

Generally speaking, I think sometimes if a person is in an abusive relationship for so long, their mindset is very fragile, meaning they have become so used to the abuse (even though they may not see it or deny it by saying it is not "that" bad) and somewhat they have accepted their "fate". Most of the time, they don't realize it.

I believe sometime ago, I shared a story of a woman who I personally know. We were watching a show that happen to be about abusive relationships. In the show, they featured this man who would physically harm his wife. When I saw it, I said "Oh my goodness, that's just plain awful!". The other lady replied "I agree. It is awful. One thing is if he calls you names or give you a slap but beating you up like that?... it's just awful!".

[Guest]

What options does the couple have?

What if they don't want to divorce?

Are they just supposed to accept being unhappy and hope somehow life is better on the other side?

Can the spouse with the need just decide to want what they have, change how they feel by wanting it?

Having ONE thing that causes one to be unhappy that the spouse can't supply that it becomes a reason for divorce doesn't sound realistic. Because, if there is ONE thing that is irreconcilable, that would have surfaced BEFORE the marriage.

For example - I hate football. My husband is a football junkie. Irreconcilable. We both knew this before we got married. I can't "like" football and he can't "give up" football. So, I'm a football widow half the year, every year. But, that's not a reason for divorce. Far from it. There will NEVER be a time that I will ask my husband to give up football (that wouldn't just hurt him, that would hurt me to hurt him) and there will NEVER be a time that my husband will ask me to enjoy football. It's just one of those things that we work around. I find ways to tolerate football (for example, he likes Tim Tebow and so I read up on him and find out he grew up in the Philippines, so I get interested in him as a person so that I start to look for him in the football field - even if I could care less if he can throw or not). If I'm not feeling like going to the mall by myself while my husband is busy watching football, I would sit right next to him and read a book or something. Things like that.

At the same time, my husband learned the "real" football - the football I love! He doesn't like watching it - he gets impatient waiting for a goal, but he learned it enough that he now assists in coaching the kids' soccer team.

Anyway, short answer is - you acknowledge the differences and work around it. It only becomes irreconcilable if you're too caught up in yourself to empathize with your spouse.