Kind of a dumb question

[Jennarator]

So, I have a very active 8 year old. He acts very impusivly. (I know I spelled that wrong.) Any way he often does things without thinking and often gets hurt.

I am freaked out at the thought of taking him somewhere he could get hurt. The thought of him goofing off at a waterfall or cliff gives me chills.

He is still learning to think before acting.

I have talked to him often about it, given apporeate consiquences for doing things that might cause harm, yet he still does it, all the time.

Here is my concern:

He is currently staying with his father. His father just called and asked if he can take him on a trip to the Grand Canyon. Shouldn't be a big deal, but it is to me. I have told the kids I would take them there when I felt they were old enough that I don't have to worry about them climbing on rails, or even pushing eachother, for some dumb argument and not thinking that the person they just pushed is close to the cliff and off they go.

So basicly, I would never take them there until they seemed a bit more responsible. So, do I let my ex take them? I would say no with out thinking about it, but I am afraid my ex will get all mad and tell the kids I am just trying to keep him from doing fun things with them and such. I know I shouldn't let things like that bother me, but he knows or at least knew how I felt about that place. I don't want my kids falling to their death.

I realize this sounds a bit overprotective, but if you knew my son, you would understand. If it makes you understand better, I would bring my husband's children, I love them, too, but they don't have the react, then think thing going on as much as my son....any thoughts?

p.s. I would have no problem with him taking them someplace else....but if I say no to the Grand Canyon, he will be all mad and so will the kids...

[Backroads]

Sounds like an 8-year-old. I can definitely see where you are coming from, but at the same time I love the opportunity for this kid to see the Grand Canyon.

Is your son perchance the youngest of the bunch? I might use the old "he's too young" line.

[Jennarator]

I could try that....

He is my youngest. But my husband has a son a few months younger, and tho often impulsive he at least knows to stay away from danger.

[applepansy]

Jenn, Maybe explain to your ex that your son doesn't have impulse control yet and that he could very easily fall to his death while your ex wasn't watching. This is your son's father right? I doubt he wants the child hurt. If he understands how serious the impulse control issue is for your son maybe he'll be more understanding and willing to watch him more carefully?

Basically it comes down to trust. Do you trust your ex to make certain that his son doesn't get seriously hurt?

[Jennarator]

Jenn, Maybe explain to your ex that your son doesn't have impulse control yet and that he could very easily fall to his death while your ex wasn't watching. This is your son's father right? I doubt he wants the child hurt. If he understands how serious the impulse control issue is for your son maybe he'll be more understanding and willing to watch him more carefully?

Basically it comes down to trust. Do you trust your ex to make certain that his son doesn't get seriously hurt?

Not really since my ex has no impulse control either. He whould always try to slam into a car then stop just before doing it whenever someone cut him off, while driving....and my car still has tons of large crashes in it. So um......not much trust, but he will be going with his family, so I am not sure what to think.

[LDSJewess]

Jennarator,

Most of what you describe about your son sounds like a typical active 8 year old boy. Kids of that age do not always think before they act and that is a part of their immaturity and growing up.

The bottom line is you cannot protect your son from every possible situation. You can so your best to discipline and supervise, but you also have to let go and trust God.

You and your sons father will need to set rules and guidelines and enforce them.

Keeping your son from joining his father and other family members for a trip to the beautiful grand canyon may do more harm than good. Your son could resent your decision for years to come. And your ex may very well feel that you are keeping him from enjoying this opportunity with his son.

Keep in mind that there is danger everywhere. Your son could stay home and mindlessly climb a tree and fall out of it, or run into the street and get hit by a car, or fall in the shower and hit his head and lapse into a coma and die.

We cannot protect our children from every possible scenario. Many Many Many children go to visit the grand canyon and yes many of those children are very active.

Let me share something with you to put life, death and children into a bit of perspective for you.

I have 14 grandchildren. One of my grandsons is now 12 and very active to the point of being diagnosed ADHD, and to put it mildly his behavior can be quite the challenge for his parents, siblings and entire family. But he is given limits and guidelines and yes he has been to the Grand Canyon three visits that I know of (two prior to the age of 8), and he has also hiked many steep trails in Arizona, went white water rafting and snow skiing. He has never been injured on any of these excursions.

I have another grandson that unfortunately died when he was less than 6 months old and he was at the time being held safely in his mothers arms getting ready to nurse when suddenly for seemingly no know reason, he simply stopped breathing and died of sudden infant death syndrome.

So you see no matter how safe or unsafe we try and keep our children, Heaven Father ultimately will decide how long we have them with us here on earth.

My suggestion is allow your son to build precious family memories. He will grow up an mature and you will all get through it.

My best to you and your entire family.

[LDSJewess]

OK after reading your second post about the car crashes etc: I hope I did not speak too soon. I advised to let you son go with his father, but I also assumed that his father was a responsible parent.

I can certainly understand your concern.

BUT that being said, if you must send your son to stay with his father, I don't think a decision about going to the Grand Canyon ot not going to the Grand Canyon will make a difference in the safety of your son. If he is in the care of your husband and if your husband is irresponsible, then any number of things could happen no matter where they are.

Perhaps the fact that other family mambers will be there (hopefully some responsible adults), then your son would be safer among them on the trip.

[Backroads]

Usually I'm the type to say "Go on, let the kid have some fun!" and I say so with enthusiasm. But it also must be noted that this is in general and I have no problem whatsoever mentioning differences in kids. I think a lot of 8-year-olds are impulsive, but there are also a lot of 8-year-olds who are uncharacteristically impulsive. Which is fine when the kid is in a position to be watched/controlled by someone who comprehends the kid. But if your ex just doesn't "get it" about your son and is perhaps figuring "I'm the same way and I made it to adulthood" it might not be the best situation.

[Jennarator]

I do have soul cstoty of my children I only let them see their dad when I have a letter saying they will be watched 100% of the time by another adult besides their dad.

I called to get more info and ened up agreeig they go someplace else with the promise that they can go in a couple years (still with supervision ect.)

I called & got balled out by me ex, my daughter called me back and said that I am horrible becasue I don't let them do anything at thier dad's, then my ex sister in law talked down to be for 10 minutes and patronized me. She wanted me to feel better because she would but a leash on my 8 year old son! What, so everyone holding that leash can fall? I wouldn't embarress the child like that. I see nothing wrong with the comprimise I made. I made it very clear that I wouldn't even take them there for the same reason. So they said they would just frive by and only go to the visitor center. Then what is the point of going? Might as well just look at pictures.

Help! Do I give in seeing as they will just go to the VC? I feel that would be meaner in a way like saying ok, go to the ice cream shop, but don't eat any of it. I would feel better if they wait a couple years the do the trip.

Edited June 3, 2011 by Jennarator

[estradling75]

You said the the visitation rights require another adult. Is there an adult in this group you could/do trust to protect your son? If so then you could talk to them, express your concerns and see if they would be willing to be the responsible adult in this case.

At the very least it gives you an arugment to make to any adults that give you a hard time about it. "Do you want to accept responsibility to watch my son 24 hours a day while he is there?"

Edited June 3, 2011 by estradling75

[Jennarator]

You said the the visitation rights require another adult. Is there an adult in this group you could/do trust to protect your son? If so then you could talk to them, express your concerns and see if they would be willing to be the responsible adult in this case.

At the very least it gives you an arugment to make to any adults that give you a hard time about it. "Do you want to accept responsibility to watch my son 24 hours a day while he is there?"

Well I did, & that's when I got the whole talked down to like I am 5 years old and that's when they suggested the leash. She promised they would only go to the visitor center and to me that is a waste of a trip. Might as well not go and do something else fun, then go in a couple years. I am close to giving in, but then they wouldn't really get to see the place, just from the VC. I guess I see no harm in letting them do that, but then I feel bad they only get to do that but if they wait, I'll let them do more. GUess that part isn't up to me, eh?

[estradling75]

Well I did, & that's when I got the whole talked down to like I am 5 years old and that's when they suggested the leash. She promised they would only go to the visitor center and to me that is a waste of a trip. Might as well not go and do something else fun, then go in a couple years. I am close to giving in, but then they wouldn't really get to see the place, just from the VC. I guess I see no harm in letting them do that, but then I feel bad they only get to do that but if they wait, I'll let them do more. GUess that part isn't up to me, eh?

Then it seems to me that the Adults aren't willing to take your concerns seriously enough to address them respectfully... Then I say pull the plug on the whole thing.

[applepansy]

I agree with estradling. Pull the plug!

[Backroads]

Indeed, pull the plug.

I also agree that driving by the Grand Canyon defeats the entire purpose.

[Jennarator]

Ok, consider it pulled. I will allow another less dangerous trip. That's what I wanted them to agree with anyways. And in a couple years we will revisit the idea.

[Jennarator]

Thanks for the advice. Asking a non-bias group, helps.

[seeking_peace]

My concern is that you are setting your ex up to say, "Your mom doesn't want us to go to the Grand Canyon, so don't tell her that we did."

Obviously, I don't know the man, but from what you've posted it seems to me that he just might do that. Then your kids are in the uncomfortable position of either defying their father, or lying to their mother.

I'm of the minority opinion that you should let them go.

Unfortunately, part of the nature of divorce is that you can no longer have as much control as you once did. (and just for the record before anyone jumps on me, I'm not saying that in a judgmental, "that's what you get for being divorced' manner. I'm divorced too)

[Jennarator]

I did end up pulling the plug. Yes, my ex did say all that stuff about me not letting them and the kids were mad at me, but I expected it. They could go with out telling me, but if I fond out, then they will not see their dad again. SOunds sever, but I do have the control. They have been put in danger by him many times. LAstyear when they went to see him, his ister decied to try interveinious drugs, overdoesed and my children saw the aftermath. (Ambulence, and her in hospitail) they didn't tell the kids what happened, but I did so they know how bad drugs can be. Things are not good, there and I let them go becasue they love their dad. (as they should.) But if I hear anything else go wrong. I pull the plug on all visits unless the supervisors is court appointed. Period. Divorce decree says they don't leave the state with out permission from me.

[Gwen]

I would explain to the kids that you will not be taking them anytime soon either. It's not about trying to "stop the from going with dad", it's about them being ready. Do not tell them it's because of the 8 yr old's behavior, you don't want everyone hating him.

On a side note if he does not seem to be learning on a level appropriate for his age and you see the same behavior in his father you may want to consider having him tested for some form of learning disability. It could be ADHD or another impulse control disorder. A magnesium supplement may help, it supports the nervous system. And oddly if it's something like ADHD caffeine might actually be helpful but sugar not so much.

[Jennarator]

Thanks, Gwen. I will try the magnesium. He does better with some herbs and such, but I haven't tried mag. He has been diagnosed with a few things....