advice on what to do with this situation

[mormon_mom21]

I wasn't sure if this goes in the marriage advice or not but here goes:

My husband is inactive and wants to go to a party to drink; being a college student and all he thinks party life is now all of a sudden very important.

My worry is.... he is married, has two children and a job, I don't think he should be drinking with people he doesn't know(he wants to party with people he meet in class but he told me he doesn't know them very well) and wants to go without me, as in being with bunch of single college students. He already had a single pretty girl from his class writing him on Facebook. Yes I am jealous because I am the stay at home mommy who doesn't go anywhere and just don't feel he should be out with single people when he is married.

I hate that he thinks drinking and what ever else is at this party will be okay.

What do you think I should do? I want to tell him not to go but how?

[FunkyTown]

I have some bad news for you.

You can't make him not go.

You can calmly explain your reasoning, but only you know if that will work. What will definitely not work is guilt tripping him. Or yelling.

He is the man you married. Was he a stalwart member when you married him? A non-partier?

He will always be the man you fell in love with. Whether or not that is the man you wish he was is irrelevant.

I'm sorry for your difficulties. I hope things turn out all right, but you can't change what he does. You can only change yourself.

Edited July 14, 2011 by FunkyTown

[Bini]

I married an inactive LDS but to be fair I was also inactive.

For almost the first two years of our marriage, we both drank and attended various parties. Not college parties, mind you, but we'd go to bars and social hangouts downtown with friends. It was still an inappropriate environment for someone who is seeking to return to the Gospel. I would say continue to encourage him to make responsible decisions. You're probably already doing that but don't ever give-in to what he's doing and allow him to feel justified. Let him know that you don't like him attending these parties and that consuming alcohol is not something you want in your life. It's hard to address these issues, I know, I went through it with my ex. But sitting down and talking about it openly is a first step. Tell him that you want to do family activities on weekends or during those days that he has time off. Take the kids out and do something fun, where the whole family can bond and build memories. It's okay to have friends and to breakaway once in awhile but the bottomline is, when you have a spouse and children, they are your priority ALWAYS. As for Facebook.. I wouldn't be overly concerned about the opposite sex corresponding with your spouse, however, I wouldn't brush it off and pretend it didn't bother me if it did. Since it DOES bother you, you need to tell your husband how you feel about it. Discuss appropriate boundaries on "friending" people etc.

[Suzie]

I wasn't sure if this goes in the marriage advice or not but here goes:

My husband is inactive and wants to go to a party to drink; being a college student and all he thinks party life is now all of a sudden very important.

My worry is.... he is married, has two children and a job, I don't think he should be drinking with people he doesn't know(he wants to party with people he meet in class but he told me he doesn't know them very well) and wants to go without me, as in being with bunch of single college students. He already had a single pretty girl from his class writing him on Facebook. Yes I am jealous because I am the stay at home mommy who doesn't go anywhere and just don't feel he should be out with single people when he is married.

I hate that he thinks drinking and what ever else is at this party will be okay.

What do you think I should do? I want to tell him not to go but how?

The fact that he wants to go without you is a red flag IMO (besides the drinking with a whole bunch of single college students). I think there is much more to this story than a married guy wanting to party.

[skippy740]

Sounds like he's not only inactive from church, but inactive from the gospel.

Inactive from church means that he's living the basic standards, but is distracted from wanting to attend church meetings or participate in church activities or a calling.

Inactive from the gospel means the same as the above, but isn't living according to gospel standards.

Here's what I would recommend: Plan an evening alone for you and your husband. Get a babysitter and you two just go out for a good time. Make it "worth his while" to be with you instead of going out with a bunch of single people doing stupid stuff.

If you nag him or lecture him, then he'll want to go just to spite you and essentially say to his friends that "he is the man of his house and he'll do what he wants".

If he's going to a college class, college seems to have a culture all its own. Aside from studies, it's seems to almost be a 'care-free' lifestyle... especially if parents, scholarships and grants are footing the bill. As long as they test well, they're doing okay. Yet, it's a culture of fraternities, sororities, loose spending and a lifestyle that your husband GAVE UP in order to be with you.

He may look at this as a way to "live in the past" before he met you.

You should find ways to show that life is worth living here in the moment with you. But you'll need to get his attention. (I trust that that won't be a problem... right?) Don't make me write it. Just find a way to show that he is desireable and that you want him more than the party does. :)

[girlygirl]

How well do you trust each other? Being married to a non member recently turned convert my husband went out with his buddies to the bars, college parties etc. I trusted him and he always told me when he would be back, texted me etc. It does of course help to meet the people too, which I did.

The thing is to be open and have trust. If you say 'don't do this', and know he won't, then I wouldn't be too worried... However if there is not alot of trust then that is another issue.

I hate to say this but do you think it is more that you are feeling like the left out one that has to hang out with the kids? I am not condoling his actions but on the other hand he will resent you if you never let him go out and have some guy time. That being said he does have a family and has to be responsible. It is not fair for him to go out all the time and leave you at home.

I would say it is fair for him to go out a couple of times of the week.. on condition that he sit the kids and lets you go out just as much! Example, if he goes out to the bar on friday, saturday you get to go visit with you friend while he babysits! In my eyes that is fair. Don't let him take advantage and guilt you. If he doesn't like that then too bad. Whats good for one is good for the other!

I had a friend who's husband would go out all the time and never let her go have some fun! That is definitely not fair so don't let that happen to you!

Lastely, if you feel like he is making all these new friends and leaving you behind join a club or a class in the evening which runs once a week where you can socialize too :) Hope that helps!

[prophetofdoom]

I think it is totally inappropriate for him to hang out with college singles... especially when alcohol is involved. Many people think they have the "self control" to endure those situations, but, alcohol seriously impairs the normal filters that people have. I am sorry you have to go through this.