When I pray I get this feeling

[Diversity]

Hi, I'm here to ask a question that I've been having a very hard time answering on my own.

Long story short, it involves me and a girl.

Quite a long time ago, we met long distance and we had a promise from God it was meant to be if we were faithful. We were involved in some pretty bad stuff and as it turns out she'd lied to me about something very important and when we got separated for a couple years. And Life went on and I was unsure of what it meant. Although I knew what I had felt.

A year ago we were reunited. And we began an ill-fated long distance relationship again although this time we actually met. Our first date was amazing and we felt we had the same promise, that we had an eternal marriage in our future if we were faithful. Well, we weren't. I tried to hold on, but without the Lord's help neither one of us were able to overcome our trust issues from our abusive childhoods and we failed. I didn't treat her right cause I didn't trust her, and she didn't communicate. Long story short, we failed. We broke up four months ago, and I've been praying intensely ever since that we'd make it back together. When I talk about her I even still feel that feeling I used to about how much we were made for each other. Although she hates me. And in her own words would rather kill herself than be with me again. (This brief synopsis doesn't do the relationship credit, but it's not the main point here, so it's fine. Suffice it to say, we had A LOT of potential and i know that we were meant to be together. Both of us have felt this, and we're both not jack mormons, OR culture mormons.)

So here's the question.

As I've prayed and fasted over the past 4 months I've felt a variety of things. One being I need to move on, other times that if I'm patient things will work out, other times the devil seems to be the main feeling I get praying about it.

I'm not really sure what any of it means. I know that I've done all I can. I gave her space, I apologized for my mistakes, etc. etc.

When it first happened, God told me to move on. And even though I bucked his advice a bit, I did eventually follow it. To an extent. Although I am not so much in pain over the loss of the relationship as the loss of potential and the fact we'll never be together again. I do miss her, and I just can't get over that it could be so final and devestating when we had so much potential and it was this big thing that's encompasses 3 years. I feel so many conflicting things when I pray. My heart is pure though. And as I've continued to pray i've developed more and more of a love for her I yearn to express. Yet she still hates me, and won't forgive me or let me prove to her I care for her. I believe in miracles though. And I know that the power of God can cause all things to come to pass. My heart is sincere, and I've always left the door open that "let thy will be done, if what i ask for is not in your will God." I suppose it's possible that I'm not listening to the answer God's given me. But the answer seems to change, and I'm unsure what that means. And also, I just can't accept it. There's been times I've prayed that God would bring her back, and I can tell that he would be happy if we worked things out, but for some reason it feels like His hands are tied?? I don't know.

What's really weird is when I pray sometimes, I feel darkness. And I can't tell if it's because I'm not heeding specific counsel or if it's just satan trying to discourage me. Last time I checked, darkness wasn't in the Lord's playbook.

When I prayed about it tonight, i felt as if a malevolent presence as standing behind me.

So can you all tell me? Can you back it up with personal experience, doctrine and talks by general authorities.

I know God doesn't work in darkness, but I also know that if I grieve the spirit by asking something too much... wouldn't it leave? yet that seems to go against the counsel of pray always and faint not. I don't understand what it is.

I have felt both that she will come back, and also that she will not. And often this changes even in a single day. Prayer about this subject is very shifting.

Can I get some help? What should I make of these changing answers to my prayers?

Edited July 17, 2011 by Diversity

[ontherighttrack]

I have to be the first to tell you that the advice given at the last General Conference to "Choose your love and love your choice" is a good adage to remember. I think Satan traps us to think that we have missed the opportunity and everything else will be second best. Not true. He is a liar and a thief to our potential. I wouldn't hesitate to tell you that the relationship you were in didn't sound at all like the type of eternal relationship that you want. So...think of all future relationship as better. However you should look at yourself and work to attain all the attributes that would make you a great husband and father. I had a relationship like yours in the fact that it felt like it was meant to be eternal matches. I grieved a lot when that relationship didn't work out and thought I had lost my eternal companion. I wasted A LONG time grieving. If I had to do it all over again I would have listened to that still small voice that said not to dwell on it.

Here are your choices:

a)ache about the relationship and wish to get it back (though it is probably an unhealthy relationship)

b)pester your ex-girlfriend to get back together again and go through the whole painful process again (either now or in marriage)

c)grieve about your loss for years

d)have faith, move forward, and allow the full blessings of life and the gospel be yours by accepting that what you think should be isn't always the right thing. Things will work out if you are righteous and obedient.

So which one do you choose?

Food for thought: Faith is the opposite of fear. The Lord will not ever give you an answer that hinders on the agency of the other. There are many people you are compatible with. Choose your love and love your choice...meaning that marriage is more about being the right one than having the right one. Work on being secure emotionally/mentally, spiritually, and physically and your confidence in these matters will wax strong.

Look up general conference talks on marriage at lds.com.

[pam]

Look up general conference talks on marriage at lds.com.

Just a slight correction. It's lds.org

[Blocky]

There is nothing wrong with praying always, but if we ignore promptings we have been given the Holy Ghost usually stops whispering.

She said she'd rather kill herself than be with you again and all your actions towards her have been unwelcome. You need to respect that and leave her alone. Heavenly Father will respect her agency. Even if he was to soften her heart on your behalf, she doesn't have to accept that. Heavenly Father will not force her to like you.

You feel like you two had a lot of potential, but it didn't work out. That's pretty darn normal. Now it's time to focus on yourself. Improving yourself, doing things that are important to you and that you enjoy, and things that will prepare you for your future. You said the more you pray and think about her the more you love her and want to be with her (paraphrasing). You love what you choose to love. You need to choose to move on.

[Diversity]

I haven't really explained how significant the relationship was. It spans 3 years. It's not just one of those "oh it didnt work so move on" kinda thing. Nor is it some childish long distance relationship with only one or two dimensions. I guess it's my fault for not explaining, but I was really hoping more for a detailed analysis of doctrine in getting answers to prayers not a summary and judgement of the relationship or what I need to do. Although I do appreciate the replies.

Let me explain.

3 years ago she lied to me about how old she was. We had a sexual relationship long distance. When I found out about it, and that she had lied, I was going to cut off contact with her. When she found out about that, she cut herself and got instutitalized. This woman has been sexually abused by her stepdad since she was 5 until she was 15. I caught her at 16. We were sepearated for 2 years despite the fact that it wasn't purely sexual and we had a lot in common. We were in a real relationship. We'd even prayed about marriage and felt it was right.

2 years later... a week after her 18th birthday, one day out of the blue she sent me a text. Ironic because I was just about to change my phone number. We began talking, and a month later we met for the first time. She'd loved me faithfully for 9 months after we'd split up and even named her teddy bear after me. She mistakenly thought I'd loved someone else though and had moved on a year before. Things started amazing on that first date.

However, her family was intent on screwing with our relationship and controlling her. Although I believe sincerely they meant only the best for their daughter, they're good intentioned, misguided choices caused significant stress in our relationship. To the point I was even accused of being a pedophile by her uncle and humilated and my car searched after being told to drive an hour out of my way to her house after a date we'd been on instead of her just being picked up by her mom like the plan was. It was all a ruse to get her away from me, but we held on. She didn't' talk to me for 5 days and that's when our trust fell apart. Here I was, talking to her again, taking a risk that I didn't have to take, i'd been humiliated and insulted with the worst kind of allegations, when she herself had caused them 2 years before by LYING to me, and she wasn't talking to me. We struggled with trust issues for the next 4 months as we fought on an increasing basis, to the point where every night was screaming and yelling til 2 or 3 AM. Only to have it resolved and then start up again the next day. I should have trusted her during that time, but I've had a life ALMOST as hard, and had become jaded as a result, to the point where I actually VALUED cynicism and NOT trusting people. I called it realism, although I finally learned to trust her 3 days before we broke up and have tried to reject these things and reform myself. Christmas came along, and we finally saw each other in person again after 4 months. If we'd had been in person the whole time, i don't feel we'd have lost it. Xmas as amazing and we really reconnected. Over the course of the next several months, we made slow and steady progress towards improving our relationship, although every once in a while i'd slip and fall and revert back to my bubble of cynicism and emotional isolation. But overall things were getting better. Until one night, we fell in a big hole, and she called it quits. The spirit was abundant when we lived the gospel, but because of our abusive childhoods we were both hooked on sex.

Now after the breakup, I learned a LOT. I learned EVERYTHING I would need to have a healthy, positve amazing relationship with this woman. Most importantly, I learned how to trust unconditionally. But she wouldn't trust me to heal her wound and show her that I really cared. She was hurt at first, and it was obvious. She even told me so. But as time went on, and she still rejected my attempts to embrace her and just let me SHOW her I could love her (and make no mistake it wasn't because she didn't want me to, it was because she was afraid it would be like before and she didnt want to be hurt) those feelings cemented from pain, into bitterness, and from bitterness into hate.

And that's where we are. I've prayed, I've fasted, I've done all I can.

That should clarify for those who commented, and help them understand this isn't just a get over it kind of thing. Even our families, who are both very dysfunctional would have meshed together exceptionally, and she's very much like my step-mom. And that's a good thing, because my step mom is a good person and I think my ex was meant to be a help mate to her with her own testimony and my marriage to be a useful analogy contrasting with my Dads. I feel like I should have been married to her right now.

Also, about a year ago, My dad told me I needed to get to the temple and get temple worthy ASAP. I would have been almost worthy right about now if I'd been able to kick my habit and get there.

I know that God ordained us to be married. But I do not know what the future holds. What I can't grasp is how such an inestimable blessing could be squashed just from disobedience. EVEN AFTER sincere repentance. Sincere to the grave.

It's my belief that God values mercy over justice. That his Love for us is so great, that if we repent He will restore all our blessings. So I have to wonder, what more can I do that I have not done? Why can I not garner a promise from his Spirit..

And again, the main question I want to have answered by you here, and why this is in advice forum rather than relationships, is

Will Darkness ever come as an answer to prayers? Why would I feel Satan or a devils presence behind me praying for this thing I have prayed for for so long, with different results?

Edited July 17, 2011 by Diversity

[mrmarklin]

As a person married to someone who came from an abusive houshold, I would tell you that these problems are not easily overcome.

Unless you and your friend have had some serious counseling it's impossible to get past these issues.

You should move on, there are many "normal" young women out there who would make good companions.

The confusion you have had in your prayers is God's way of telling you what I have just said.

[JudoMinja]

Will Darkness ever come as an answer to prayers? Why would I feel Satan or a devils presence behind me praying for this thing I have prayed for for so long, with different results?

Darkness is what happens when you are feeling a departure of the spirit. You mentioned that you had a hard time accepting the Lord's answers to your prayers- and when we go against the promptings of the Spirit the Spirit leaves. Satan is very real. He can have just as strong of an influence over us as the Lord can when we give up the Spirit and let him enter our hearts.

You remember the story about Martin Harris and how he wanted to take some translated pages to show his family? The initial answer was no, but he asked Joseph Smith to ask again, and again... until the Lord changed his answer. While we know from prophesies in the scriptures that this was supposed to happen, if Martin Harris had just LISTENED and followed the first prompting, we would never have lost those initial pages and would have even more scripture at our disposal.

You seem to be very confused and misdirected. Your emotions and misperceptions are getting in the way and blocking you from seeing the whole picture. What you WANT is driving you to pursue something that isn't RIGHT. That is why you are feeling darkness when you pray about it. The Spirit is gone and will not respond, because you've ceased in listening to His promptings. If you want that feeling of darkness to go away, you need to turn away from the path that brought it upon you.

God will not ordain you to be married to an unwilling partner. The circumstances behind her refusal do not matter. She doesn't want to be with you, and she is adament about her refusal. God will not take away her agency to give you what you want, even if it was something that had potential. And judging the success of a relationship based on its potential is always a bad idea. You may call it cynical, but you need to look at the facts, what is right in front of you, and you need to be realistic. From what you've described, this relationship was VERY unhealthy on both sides and I would NOT recommend pursuing it further.

[Sunday21]

I had a really tough time interpreting spiritual promptings and then I heard a comment in the last conference about reading the B of M for an hour a day. I started doing that and suddenly, in a couple of weeks, I could interpret the promptings. The voice of the Spirit became incredibly strong. Just a suggestion.

[ontherighttrack]

May I suggest 3 things to you to help you feel the spirit again in your life.

1) Seek counsel from your Bishop and follow it

2) Take and pause in your relationship with this girl and focus on your worthiness. When you do you will more likely be able to discern what you feel

3) Have courage and faith and hope for the future

4) Seek counselling for any abuse you may have encountered

You cannot receive revelation for this girl. You can encourage, love and guide but you cannot receive revelation for her that you are the right one. If you feel like you have you can count on the fact that you have been deceived. The Lord does not work in that way - that would be inhibiting on her agency. Hope that helps.

P.S. I hope this doesn't sound judgmental at all because it isn't intended as such - from what you wrote it sounds like you need someone to help you out of the thinking and frame of mind you are in. It sounds like you have been trapped into an emotional relationship and not using common sense with it all. It does not sound healthy. Take a step back to help you see it more clearly.

[Diversity]

Thanks for all the great advice. I really appreciate it. :) And I have sought counsel from my bishop. And I'm following it. But again, my personal promptings keep changing. And it makes me suspicious. I think I will take you up on that invitation Sunday. I'll start reading the BOM an hour a day. I hope it sharpens my senses.

[shine7]

Diversity: when I got to the point of reading that sometimes you feel darkness when praying, this is what came to my mind.......when I feel darkness in praying, I stop and raise my right hand to the square and say 3 times: "in the name of Jesus Christ, I command satan to depart". That has been a lifesaver for me so many times. I too come from an abused family and satan knows my many weak spots and need for love.

I also study/pray every day and that is a huge help in discerning......it has changed my life to hear God's voice in His Word. If I am not reading through the book of mormon, I look up the footnote b of mormon scriptures where ever I'm reading in scriptures so that I have b. of mormon in my daily study. God be with you, Diversity.

God does value mercy. He will not change our personal choices, though He will send His influence to us. He always respects our right to choose.

Maybe someone suggested this: get blessings from your Bishop often to help you discern, and for comfort.

Edited July 27, 2011 by shine7

[Madriglace]

Maybe you need to change or clarify what you are praying for. Start by askin gthe Lord to help you understand His will for you. Forget the relationship .. it sounds as if it is a lost cause. Get yourself in line and start to really listen, make sure your prayers get past the ceiling. One of the best ways to know where an answer to prayer comes from is that only the Lord can cause a feeling of peace. Prayer, listen and then DO! Good luck.