ARDEN Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 This may be a subject that you all can't really help me with because it's all about my views but I'm wondering if anyone has ever felt the same way? So I'm 21 years old in college and I have been seriously dating a guy who I can see myself marrying. I haven't been in a relationship where I was really seriously thinking about marriage until now. Marriage, and a Temple marriage is extremely important to me so I don't take it lightly. I would not discuss marriage with someone who I didn't feel I was able to marry. My boyfriend has been talking about getting married and starting a family together soon. I would LOVE that and it feels right but I am very worried. I've gotten to know him and he's discussed his previous relationships. I've realized that he has felt like this with others too. Almost every other girl he has dated. I don't know why that bothers me so much but it does. I feel like this is a routine that he goes thru. Like he hits a certain time in a relationship and then he feels like this is the next step he HAS to take. Does this make sense? It might be that I just have had a different view on how I see and deal with relationships. But it's making me doubt the.. realness? of this relationship. I don't want to be a routine thing.. I don't know if this sort of thing has been an issue with anyone else. If it has please do share because I don't know what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 Would pre-marital counseling frighten you? Not the horrible kind, just a professional 3rd party to the relationship. This way you could see if he wants to get married or just feels like he should. I can definitely see your point. You hate to be the girl who just happens to be the one to say yes, nothing special. However, I truly believe that many guys just need to be married and your boyfriend could be one of them. He may love the idea of marriage and may be actively seeking it. He may be gregarious and kind and simply have had many good relationships with many good women. Nothing wrong with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ARDEN Posted July 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 Backroads - Exactly! I don't want to be the girl where things have just worked out a tad better than the rest of his relationships so then he thinks well then we'll just do the marriage thing. I highly doubt that, but I don't want to jump into something if that is the case. I have never discussed marriage. I have kept that a special discussion with who I could seriously see myself spending eternity with. I've noticed with him that is somewhat a much more casual discussion, at least I feel like it is because he has had it with his other girlfriends. But maybe I'm just much less open to that kind of thing and he's a lot more open. Which isn't a bad thing at all.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 Are you more upset about the fact that he's been this serious with other girls per se, or are you worried about that fact as an indicator of a lack of commitment to you specifically?The former, I would respectfully suggest, is the not-quite-rational possessiveness borne of the infatuation that accompanies new love. (We've all been there. )The latter is more serious, and I don't see many ways to resolve it other than to ask him point-blank. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 You don't have to answer these questions here if you don't want to, they are just things to think about that might help you in your situation... How long have you been dating? How "slowly" have you taken it? (How often do you see each other, do things together, etc?) Have you let dating consume you, or are you still able to live a "separate" life from your boyfriend? Do you feel as though you are on an emotional high? The reason these questions are important is that many relationships start out "fast". You get to know each other, find yourself in that honey-moon "lovey-dovey" stage, and end up on this emotional high that can be very blinding. You stop thinking rationally and let this "new life" consume you. If this has been the case for your relationship, take some time to slow it down. It is perfectly normal for relationships to start this way, but it can lead to problems if not kept in check. It sounds like your boyfriend probably goes through this emotional high with most of the girls he dates and feels like he's found "the one" before he's really thought things through. If you can slow the relationship down and you are still happy with one another and feel like you could really make things work, then I'd say you've got a good guy and go for it! If an attempt to slow things down results in him becoming resistant and/or overly distant, it'd be a better idea to cut the relationship off. Think of it as a little test, and a chance to get your "logic circuits" working in preparation for a possible marriage. You want to make sure you are making a good decision with both your brain and heart, not just one or the other, so a little distance will help lower that emotional high so you can think straight. If your relationship has already been moving slowly and you are feeling confident in both mind and heart, then it seems to me like this is nothing more than a struggle with feeling "significant". Does the fact that he's felt this way with other girls make you less "significant"? Only if you say no. If you decide you don't want to get married and you cut off the relationship, you will just be another one of his girlfriends... If you say yes, though, you will be his wife, and even if he's felt that same emotional high that caused him to think marriage might be a "good idea" with other women, you will be the one he actually made that commitment with. To me, I think, that makes you pretty significant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sachi001 Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Did you finish college yet? If not do so first. If he really loves you. He will wait until you finish to start a family. You need to think ahead about your life to have something to fall back on should the relationship not work. Do not let hormones rule you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texas1992 Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 I can't stress enough that you need to take your time. LDS temple marriages have a huge failure rate. I think it is in part due to the fact that hormones get involved and to keep the law of chastity (which is a very important law to keep) people get married too fast. You both need to get to know each other. Ask him lots and I mean lots of questions. My girlfriend asks me tons of questions. Sometimes she asks me the same question over and over just to see if she gets the same answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 I can't stress enough that you need to take your time. LDS temple marriages have a huge failure rate. I think it is in part due to the fact that hormones get involved and to keep the law of chastity (which is a very important law to keep) people get married too fast. You both need to get to know each other. Ask him lots and I mean lots of questions. My girlfriend asks me tons of questions. Sometimes she asks me the same question over and over just to see if she gets the same answer.I'll agree with most of this but a huge failure rate? I dunno, what's your source on this one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunkyTown Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 I'll agree with most of this but a huge failure rate? I dunno, what's your source on this one?I'd like some numbers on that.Outside the church, the numbers are these:Divorce Rate : Divorce Rate In AmericaNow, take a look at the number of divorces of temple marriages in your ward. Are they anywhere CLOSE to 50%? Are half the married couples in your ward divorced?No?Then we have a problem, because it would seem temple marriages are far more likely to succeed than the worlds marriages. I don't know about you, but I've been in wards in Vancouver, Burnaby, Kitchener, Toronto, London, Egham, Wokingham and Edmonton and the divorce rate was nowhere near 50% in those wards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texas1992 Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 There is always someone who has to show off their intelligence by getting technical and not looking at what the message is. I didn't say that the divorce rate was near 50% but I can tell you that there are several members in my ward who have been married before. If you go out on the LDS dating sites such as LDSSingles.com or LDSPlanet.com where do all of the men and women come from? I'm just telling the young lady to take her time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sachi001 Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 I can't stress enough that you need to take your time. LDS temple marriages have a huge failure rate. I think it is in part due to the fact that hormones get involved and to keep the law of chastity (which is a very important law to keep) people get married too fast. You both need to get to know each other. Ask him lots and I mean lots of questions. My girlfriend asks me tons of questions. Sometimes she asks me the same question over and over just to see if she gets the same answer.Can you cite some stats on that claim? Otherwise that's speculation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 Sachi, read the post right before yours. texas explains what he meant by that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 Then "huge failure rate" is a personal interpretation based on personal observance of the world immediately around the poster. It may have been more accurate to say that "Temple marriage is not a guarantee from divorce, it does happen." Just saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 I agree with you, slam. I think texas just isn't used to our "cite your source!" feelings--gotta get used to the board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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