Thinking about going inactive

[antinephilehis]

For years I have struggled with social anxiety. Whenever I go to church, the problem seems to get worse. As a result, I don't have any desire to serve in any callings. I know we are not supposed to turn down a calling, and I feel like I am turning down the Lord. When I do accept a calling, I seem to sabotage it simply by not doing it. For example, I was recently called into the Young Men's as a Teacher's Quorum adviser. I was fine with this calling because I didn't have to teach or organize mutual activities. However, the stake split our ward and the Teacher's Quorum leader was moved to another ward, and everything has fallen upon me. Consequently, I have missed the last two Sunday's and mutual nights. I truly believe that it's not possible for me to make it to the Celestial kingdom because I don't measure up to LDS people. Why even bother. I am even contemplating suicide because I know the Lord doesn't love me. Help!

[LDSJewess]

For years I have struggled with social anxiety. Whenever I go to church, the problem seems to get worse. As a result, I don't have any desire to serve in any callings. I know we are not supposed to turn down a calling, and I feel like I am turning down the Lord. When I do accept a calling, I seem to sabotage it simply by not doing it. For example, I was recently called into the Young Men's as a Teacher's Quorum adviser. I was fine with this calling because I didn't have to teach or organize mutual activities. However, the stake split our ward and the Teacher's Quorum leader was moved to another ward, and everything has fallen upon me. Consequently, I have missed the last two Sunday's and mutual nights. I truly believe that it's not possible for me to make it to the Celestial kingdom because I don't measure up to LDS people. Why even bother. I am even contemplating suicide because I know the Lord doesn't love me. Help!

Ok hold on a minute. If you do not make it to the Celestial Kingdom it will not be because you didn't "measure up to the LDS people."

LDS people are just people who working at their own personal progression. And we are all headed back to our Heavenly Father at a different pace, and we all face a number of different challenges on our journey.

Social Anxiety can be a very debiliatating condition. In the past I have dealt with panic disorder where when going to church or any crowded plance, I immediately went to sit in the back of the room in case I felt I had to leave. It took a long time to learn to understand and live with the condition. So I can tell you I understand.

Now lets talk about the thoughts of suicide for a moment. Forget about it. It's a cop out, ok. The Lord indeed loves you. But you need to learn to love yourself. You have been given the most amazing gift you will ever receive from your Heavenly Father and that is your life. Can you imagine for just a moment what an amazing moracle you are. Think about this for a moment. What are the chances of a child having the opportunity to be even born. Conception only happens for a day or two once a month and it takes the perfect circumstances for that to happen. Then you have all the challenges before your birth of just surviving gestation. Then you make it through childhood, and here you are today. Think about how awesome it is that you were born in a place and time where you don't know extreme hunger, you are not in constant fear of dying in famine or war. How many humans in this world are wondering if tomorrow they will have one hanful or rice or grain to eat, while we have the luxury of communicating on our computers.

Ok so now lets talk about the calling. Think of you calling not as a challenge, rather an opportunity to learn, to grow, to exchange ideas. Also be sure you talk as honestly with your Bishop or home teacher as you are on this forum. Tell him of your anxiety. Tell them you may not always be as reliable as you would like to be. Try to do your best, but your best may be different than someone elses best. Do not compare yourself to anyone else.

There is one word that I have always had a bit of an issue with that is used freely in the church and that is the word "worthy." I personally believe by the mere fact that we are here, we are worthy. I believe in the depths of my soul that I am completely loved by God without condition or question, and I believe that is true of not just me but of you as well. This love will not change if you refuse a calling, or fall short of performing your calling ideally.

You need to love God and love yourself, because God is always as close to you as your own breath.

Now the best thing to do is talk to God from your heart and soul. We call it prayer and that is what prayer is. Then talk to your Bishop or someone you fee comfortable with in the church. Don't go inactive, and don't stay silent about your social anxiety because if you isolate yourself it will be harder to cope with. Then just commit to do the best you can. And another thing, don't be afraid to let your Bishop know that their care callings that you may be able to be better at that you can better perform with your currrent limitations.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Know that your Heavenly Father Loves You, even when you are not sure you love yourself.

[Jamie123]

Think about how awesome it is that you were born in a place and time where you don't know extreme hunger, you are not in constant fear of dying in famine or war. How many humans in this world are wondering if tomorrow they will have one hanful or rice or grain to eat, while we have the luxury of communicating on our computers.

You make me think about that Ralph McTell song "The Streets of London":

Have you seen the old man

In the closed down market

Kicking up the papers with his worn out shoes

In his eyes you see no pride

Hands held loosely at his side

Yesterday's paper, telling yesterday's news

In the old night cafe at a quarter past eleven

The same old man sitting there on his own

Looking at the world over the rim of his teacup

Each cup lasts an hour, and he wanders home alone

Have you seen the old man

Outside the seaman's mission

Memory fading with the minor ribands that he wears

In our city winter the rain cries little pity

For one more forgotten hero

And a world which doesn't care

So how can you tell me you're lonely

And say for you that the sun don't shine?

Let me take you by the hand

And lead you through the streets of London

I'll show you something

That will make you change your mind

There's always someone a lot worse off than yourself...

Edited July 20, 2011 by Jamie123

[FunkyTown]

Whoah, whoah, whoah... First off, ignore everyone previous to this.

If you're thinking of suicide, don't turn to strangers on the internet.

Get medicated. Now. No one can say anything to someone suicidally depressed. You need to take that step.

Medicate yourself. Medicate the heck out of yourself. Once you have, and you are in a normal frame of mind, come back and discuss this.

There is no way around it. You need to get help now, and with extreme urgency, because there are only two options here:

1) You really are suicidal. If this is the case, nobody here can help. You need to be medicated.

2) You're a self-indulgent, self-centered jerk trying to use self-harm as a means to support your self-pity habit.

I don't believe you're number two. I believe you when you say you are seriously contemplating suicide. Go to the doctors. Now.

[applepansy]

Medication doesn't always help suicidal ideation. However..... after saying that. GET HELP!!!! Medication does help some and there are other ways. GET HELP!!!

Then... I agree with LDSJewess' post. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Heavenly Father loves you!!!! He knows YOU and He knows what You are struggling with.

Your bishop needs to know what you're dealing with. Go talk to him. You'll feel better about things and yourself by just doing this one thing.

Then.... get on your knees and talk to your Father in Heaven. He's your best resource. Pour your heart out to him about these issues you're facing. Tell him about your feelings and thoughts. Are you praying constantly? Its these feelings that prompt me to pray continually.

I have been "less active" many times. I have health issues which cause panic attacks. I've had to turn down callings. I never do it without praying about it and explaining the situation with myself or at home. Often after I tell the Bishop what is happening he decides the calling isn't right after all and finds something else.

Ask for a calling that is better suited to what is happening in your life right now. Service (doing something for someone else) always lifts our spirits and helps us feel worthy and worthwhile. Also seek to help someone else.

I wish you all the best. Please get some help.

[Backroads]

I also suffer from social anxiety disorder. It's a fairly mild case, but it's still there. Are the ward leaders aware of it? Would it be possible for them to get you some extra help until the wards settle down?

Are you taking anything for the social anxiety? If that's the root cause, that's what needs to be treated.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

The best advice I have seen about suicide on the Internet is located here:

Suicide: Read This First

I don't agree that suicical people need to be medicated, but I do think counseling is necessary. You Bishop can help you get counseling through LDSFS with no cost to you if you can't afford it.

I also disagree that suicide is a "cop out"...the link I shared above explains better what it really is.

You need to talk to you Bishop about the Social Anxiety...if he understands your needs, he can (prayerfully) choose a more appropriate calling for you.

I really think you need counseling for both the suicidal ideation and the social anxiety. I go to therapy twice a week and it IS helpful.

[rameumptom]

Discuss your issues with the bishop. There are many callings that do not require lots of social interface. These may include some clerk positions, working on ward projects (emergency preparedness, bishop's storehouse), etc.

[skippy740]

You have two different issues here, and if your suicidal thoughts are 100% centered on only the issue you are posting, then we need to clarify some doctrinal understandings for you.

For years I have struggled with social anxiety. Whenever I go to church, the problem seems to get worse. As a result, I don't have any desire to serve in any callings. I know we are not supposed to turn down a calling, and I feel like I am turning down the Lord. When I do accept a calling, I seem to sabotage it simply by not doing it. For example, I was recently called into the Young Men's as a Teacher's Quorum adviser. I was fine with this calling because I didn't have to teach or organize mutual activities. However, the stake split our ward and the Teacher's Quorum leader was moved to another ward, and everything has fallen upon me. Consequently, I have missed the last two Sunday's and mutual nights.

First, you are a much braver man than I am. I'm not sure I would've even accepted such a calling for myself. But this is a great position to be called to assist another leader and "learn the ropes".

Then things changed on you. Change is rough. You start to take a personal assessment on yourself (and when I do this, I'm usually more critical and negative on me) and you wonder how you can possibly do this?

Have you talked to the Bishop's 1st Counselor who, (if I remember correctly) is over the teacher's quorum?

The doctrine of sustaining, is that each person who has raised their arm to the square has covenanted with the Lord and with you to help you in your calling. I know it can feel more like a 'vote to the people' and more like a 'group worthiness and acceptable', but it is a covenant. Ask for help.

I truly believe that it's not possible for me to make it to the Celestial kingdom because I don't measure up to LDS people. Why even bother. I am even contemplating suicide because I know the Lord doesn't love me. Help!

"LDS people". It's so easy to look at others and compare ourselves to them. Especially on Sundays - when everyone is dressing their best... and it can look like everyone else has a better handle on life and the world than the rest of us.

This "line of thought" is not consistent with the Gospel. Some of us are given 5 talents, others 2, and others 1. The question becomes is "what are we doing with our talents"? You may be a "2 talent" person. What did the person do with their 2 talents? He DOUBLED them to 4. The other guy started with 5. He DOUBLED his to 10. He did the exact same thing with what he was given - he doubled his talent. You can do the same - even if it seems that everyone else around you looks like they were given 5 talents, and you only have 2. Just don't bury your talents in the earth.

Three steps to the miracle of personal development: (Taken from Jim Rohn's Art of Exceptional Living audio course)

1) Do what you can. Just because you can't do it great, does not mean you shouldn't do anything at all.

2) Do the best you can. Put your best effort into it.

3) Rest very little. Is the best you can do ALL you can do? No. If you rest a little, you can do more. Rest a little more and you can do more.

Now, I actually hope that there is more to your feelings of suicide than your personal perspective and comparative abilities to others in the church.

Just as others have said, you need to get help.

However, if you have felt that you can't "live up" to everyone else's talents, I hope I have given you a new perspective.

Hope this has been helpful.

[ontherighttrack]

Um, yeah. I understand what anxiety does. It makes you feel out of control and you'd rather die than to feel out of control. You need to seek help for your anxiety. I'd highly recommend you see your doctor right away and let him/her know of your anxiety issues. They may suggest medication or couselling or both. I highly recommend getting some counselling. They are able to talk you through rational ways of thinking and support you by giving you strategies to use that will help you address your anxiety issues.

I suggest you also call the bishop or have a trusted friend call the bishop (if you are too anxious to call him) and let him know that you suffer from intense anxiety and need support in the calling by someone who is undersanding of your issues.

By the way...you aren't abnormal. You just have anxiety. We all need help in one way or another. Sometimes it comes in the form of people, sometimes in the form of medication, sometimes in the form of counselling, sometimes in the form of work....BUT ALWAYS in the form of prayer and turning to the Lord. Seek help and also seek the Lord's help. It is okay to ask for help. PLEASE DO. Nobody will think less of you and if they do it is only because they are ignorant. Don't mind them. I am sure they have their own issues.

My prayers are with you. You are not weak because you have this problem. Just remember that.

[prophetofdoom]

Get help please! Suicide is NEVER the answer. Remember... your problems stay with you even if you are outside the mortal body!!!!!

[Diversity]

Whoah, whoah, whoah... First off, ignore everyone previous to this.

If you're thinking of suicide, don't turn to strangers on the internet.

Get medicated. Now. No one can say anything to someone suicidally depressed. You need to take that step.

Medicate yourself. Medicate the heck out of yourself. Once you have, and you are in a normal frame of mind, come back and discuss this.

There is no way around it. You need to get help now, and with extreme urgency, because there are only two options here:

1) You really are suicidal. If this is the case, nobody here can help. You need to be medicated.

2) You're a self-indulgent, self-centered jerk trying to use self-harm as a means to support your self-pity habit.

I don't believe you're number two. I believe you when you say you are seriously contemplating suicide. Go to the doctors. Now.

He doesn't need pills. He needs to look at his life and find support from people. You've obviously never contemplated suicide or dealt with these kinds of issues. Pills aren't a panacea. Do us a favor, and unless you have personal experience, don't throw your two cents in on these sensitive subjects ok? I know you mean well, don't get me wrong. I do. And I appreciate that. But you'll just do more harm than good.

[FunkyTown]

He doesn't need pills. He needs to look at his life and find support from people. You've obviously never contemplated suicide or dealt with these kinds of issues. Pills aren't a panacea. Do us a favor, and unless you have personal experience, don't throw your two cents in on these sensitive subjects ok? I know you mean well, don't get me wrong. I do. And I appreciate that. But you'll just do more harm than good.

I'm certain you mean well, and I appreciate that, but it's clear you have no real knowledge of severe depression. I have a family member who has struggled with severe manic depression their entire life. I have dealt with these issues. Do us a favor and don't try to convince a depressed person that only if they had a little more support from their family and friends, they wouldn't be depressed. That is silly and untrue and dangerous to the OP.

And I stand by it: Get medicated. Severe depression is not alleviated by the support of family members. If you are contemplating suicide, get help. Now. You need to.

[zippy_do46]

There was a time that I needed help. I wished that I would have gotten help sooner. For some reason we think all should be right if we are doing what we should do. We are not immune to the problems of this world just because we are latter day saints. Things happen. Sometimes we need help to make things right with ourselves. Would you deny yourself help if your tooth was hurting you? Why would you deny yourself help when your inner self is weak. Get the help that you need and move forward. Sometimes forward is a step at a time. Know that your Heavenly Father loves you and knows your true heart. Get the help that you need. You can not help others until you help yourself.

I love the fact that the Church has help now. Maybe it even had help when I needed it. I did not ask. The person that I received help from had some very good friends that were latter day saints. She was one of many I had the choice to choose from. I know now, I was guided to this person that helped me. She knew how to direct me knowing my faith was a very important part of who I was. How to say this??? I knew what I should be doing. I knew all the helps that I should be doing. I knew in my heart the Gospel was true. I just could not do anything to help myself. I was able to get the help I needed to bring me to that place where I could find that comfort and spirit that I needed to get better. I even for a while had to use meds. Please get the help.

My prayers are with you.

Edited July 25, 2011 by zippy_do46

[Echo2002]

I agree, if you have severe depression, medication is probably going to help you more than support from a Bishop or family members. You also need to talk with the Bishop about your feelings about the calling you have. I don't think a Bishop is going to make you remain in that calling if it is causing physiological or physical harm to you. It does not mean you are a failure because you can't uphold your calling, it certainly does not prevent you from entering into the Celestial Kingdom.

Like others have said, if you are having these feelings you need to get help right away! Going inactive is not going to solve your problems, if anything it will make the depression worse because you will feel like a bigger failure for not being active in a Gospel that you know to be the truth, if indeed you feel that way.

[Echo2002]

I agree, if you have severe depression, medication is probably going to help you more than support from a Bishop or family members. You also need to talk with the Bishop about your feelings about the calling you have. I don't think a Bishop is going to make you remain in that calling if it is causing physiological or physical harm to you. It does not mean you are a failure because you can't uphold your calling, it certainly does not prevent you from entering into the Celestial Kingdom.

Like others have said, if you are having these feelings you need to get help right away! Going inactive is not going to solve your problems, if anything it will make the depression worse because you will feel like a bigger failure for not being active in a Gospel that you know to be the truth, if indeed you feel that way.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

To be medicated or NOT, is a decision best left to an individual and their therapist...IMO. I think good arguments could be made for either side depending on the reason that the person is having suicidal ideation.

And yes I have been suicidal. I chose NOT to be medicated. My therapist mentioned meds to me once, I told him that was not something I wanted to do and he accepted that and worked with me in other ways. I also have a friend who was suicidal and overcame it without meds...but she is also seeing a therapist.

My opinion is that there are many different reasons that a person might beccome suicidal...some may need medication to be resolved, but others do not. That is why I think it is best to leave that decision to the individual and their therapist.

I do think that everyone who feels suicidal needs to see a therapist (with or without meds)...not just the Bishop (Bishops don't have training in this area) or friends. I agree with FunkyTown that depression can be very serious and one needs more help than Bishop, family, friends and Sunday School answers. Our Church Leaders are supportive of therapy, obviously since it is provided through LDSFS, and quite often the person's ward pays for it.

[Diversity]

I'm certain you mean well, and I appreciate that, but it's clear you have no real knowledge of severe depression. I have a family member who has struggled with severe manic depression their entire life. I have dealt with these issues. Do us a favor and don't try to convince a depressed person that only if they had a little more support from their family and friends, they wouldn't be depressed. That is silly and untrue and dangerous to the OP.

And I stand by it: Get medicated. Severe depression is not alleviated by the support of family members. If you are contemplating suicide, get help. Now. You need to.

One of the biggest problems with "manic-depression" of a family member is that family members, like you, don't understand the real issues of what's going on. All you see is the outside appearance of what looks like progress. While inside the person that's heavily medicated is really just a zombie going through motions. It's a sick world we live in, but that's the nature of the beast when it comes to psychotropic medications. What this person may need is a combination approach. But pills are NOT a miracle. I would suggest they see a doctor and maybe get an anti-depressant while at the SAME TIME, seeking out a positive support group of people who will accept them. The biggest problem is not what you said, but how you said it. Panicking is not something that helps anyone. Especially in this situation. All that does is make them feel like a freak.

Source:Was misdiagnosed with "manic-depression" as a child. (Proves what you know, it's not even called that anymore, now it's called bipolar.)

[Diversity]

By the way, I've run the full gambit when it comes to psychological pain. Suicide and the common themes that run with it, are garden fare for me. If there's a person more qualified for this situation other than an actual professional, I doubt they exist on this board. Fact is, unless you've dealt with certain types of issues in general, you really can't understand it. And you can often do more harm than good. Psychological krap is not like physical medicine. You can't just read a textbook and think you get it. You have to experience it.

That's one reason Our Father in heaven sent us to earth. To get experience and not just learn by observation. I know some of you are under-experienced when it comes to these kinds of issues. Sorry if it seems harsh, but this is a persons life we're talking about here. The way a lot of you have panicked and acted like this person is some kind of freak (I know it wasn't your intention, but all the same that's what it was) has probably just scared them away from the board. They're just a person. And I suggest you all look at your thoughts a little closer and see if your subconsciously distancing yourself from them. We have an opportunity to do something really great here. Let's make sure they know we accept them and feel loved, and do what works for them.

I'm sorry if this is a rant, i'm just annoyed by the typical mormon response to psychological issues. "Distance yourself and claim you care." I.E. The panicked "get help!" replies.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Diversity

[MaMeeshkaMow]

I narrow it down to 3 phases of existence: 1) physical 2) spiritual 3) mental/mind. Exercise and good diet helps number 1. Scriptures/prayer/church, etc help number 2. If these activities are not helping number 3, meds can help along with the support of family/friends. Nothing should be done in isolation. The balance of the mind comes from the balance of your daily experience...

[Diversity]

I narrow it down to 3 phases of existence: 1) physical 2) spiritual 3) mental/mind. Exercise and good diet helps number 1. Scriptures/prayer/church, etc help number 2. If these activities are not helping number 3, meds can help along with the support of family/friends. Nothing should be done in isolation. The balance of the mind comes from the balance of your daily experience...

Exercise can even help your mental aspects as well. Trust me, when I exercise during the week I always feel much better able to cope with stress and problems in life. Not to mention the endorphin high from working out is always nice.

I'd say exercise along with healthy diet are good for all 3. But there's DEFINATELY a pronounced effect on number 1.

I'd agree more or less with meeshka. Isolation, no matter what the case isn't a good thing when it comes to psychological stuff. Human beings are social creatures. They NEED to be around other people.

[FunkyTown]

One of the biggest problems with "manic-depression" of a family member is that family members, like you, don't understand the real issues of what's going on. All you see is the outside appearance of what looks like progress. While inside the person that's heavily medicated is really just a zombie going through motions. It's a sick world we live in, but that's the nature of the beast when it comes to psychotropic medications. What this person may need is a combination approach. But pills are NOT a miracle. I would suggest they see a doctor and maybe get an anti-depressant while at the SAME TIME, seeking out a positive support group of people who will accept them. The biggest problem is not what you said, but how you said it. Panicking is not something that helps anyone. Especially in this situation. All that does is make them feel like a freak.

Source:Was misdiagnosed with "manic-depression" as a child. (Proves what you know, it's not even called that anymore, now it's called bipolar.)

Right. So you don't disagree with me. You don't think I'm wrong. You just don't like that I gave a sense of urgency when the guy mentioned suicide. And then you try to nitpick at calling it manic-depression by saying it's called bipolar.

Fine. I'll do the same.

Shows what you know. Now it's called bipolar affective disorder.

Now, if you'd like, we can get over the childish nitpicking, or we can start calling each other names, or talk about how our fathers could beat up the other person's father.

Ultimately, if he seriously considered suicide, then that is a very serious thing that requires urgency. And he should immediately go get help. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. He has to go now.

[shine7]

Dear antinephilehis,

First of all, may I ask you 2 questions: who do you think is whispering to you that God doesn't love you???

Do you have to be doing everything right in order for Him to love you??

I am so sorry you are thinking of suicide.

When I read your post, I thought that could be me typing it!! I have HUGE social anxiety and suffer from depression a lot; going to church is so totally not easy for me. Then of all things, I was called to teach Gospel Doctrine.....why on earth would God want me to do that????? He knows my emotional state and problems. But I decided to trust Him, though I did not get it at all. Some times I end up calling a substitute because I know I can't go and teach.....I'm just too much of a mess. Other times, I have to kneel and pray a 'hundred' times to be able to teach. Often, right before class I've had to go to the bathroom and again pray for God's help to get me through. The study has been a wonderful blessing, as I do have a true testimony of Christ. It's been a few months now and is not getting easier, but I try to flow with it, knowing my challenges. I think one person in my ward is aware of my huge challenges. But God knows me, and He's telling me: 'you can do this.....just strive as best you can.....that is all I ask of you"

Well I also have wondered if I'll make it to the celestial kingdom. I decided to look up every scripture I could find on this.....basically if you are baptized and have a temple sealed marriage.....that is celestial law. Not that I don't still wonder, but I do qualify in these areas.

When I study/pray every morning, I stay on my knees to hear/feel God answer me. One thing He says almost daily to me: NEVER GIVE UP, press on dear one. If not for HIM, I would not be able to press on.

So please don't give up.....press on. You are LOVED by a wonderful Heavenly Father, you are precious to HIM. PRESS ON.

I feel quite isolated, and don't have real friends in this ward I'm in (people are friendly, just don't include/invite me into their clicks; but I am used to being loved/accepted and I know what being accepted and included feels like, so I try to take this place/time as just a new experience). But, I do reach out and serve others. My R.S president does not know me well.........she has no idea how when she says I should be a R.S. pres. because I'm compassionate, that this is STRESSING me. You might wonder why I don't say more, but I have found that has backfired and causes me more anxiety......so my best source is going to the Lord for His help.....HE knows me.

Edited July 27, 2011 by shine7