Ideal situation to start Family

[girlygirl]

Okay I have been posting alot of threads on here but the advice I get on this board is really great and helpful so I am hoping someone can give me their spin on my thoughts.

I am planning on having kids in the next few years or so with my husband (we are newly weds.) I know this is going to sound really selfish but I am scared of living off of one income. Right now we both earn reasonable amounts of cash and are able to do the extras like eat out, pay to do fun stuff, plus have a bit extra after the bills are payed, but this is only because we have two incomes. I see alot of young mormon families who are dirt poor living on one income and I will admit it does frighten me and I do not want to be in that situation. We have been trying to build up our lives to not be in that situation by saving money, buying a home, etc. But I still worry it will catch up with us once I am not working. (By the way I plan on raising my kids and staying at home not sending them off to daycare, we were both raised with stay at home moms and value that alot.)

Most of my friends are non lds and young professionals. They are unfortunately not kid friendly and I am worried they will not want to spend time with me and my kids once I have them, and that I will not be able to have the freedom to leave the house to see them as much, or even money that matter to go out with them, and I will be left out and be depressed at home!

Does anyone have any experiences with this and or how to overcome them? I know it sounds selfish but its hard to live a certain lifestyle and plunge into something different so I hope you can be understanding!

[Backroads]

A few questions for you:

1. Will one income be able to support your family? (I'm not talking about the dirt poor examples, but be able to support you and keep you from sliding into debt even though there might not be as much fun stuff?)

2. Do you really expect the exact same quality of life with kids?

3. Do you have any friends who are a little more kid-friendly?

[girlygirl]

1- It would be a struggle as my husband is starting out a career and it will take a while for him to achieve a good salary.

2- Yes! (uggh... I'm guessing I shouldn't haha)

3- Honestly not at the moment, young adults non lds in their twenties aren't really that family orientated...

[mightynancy]

I'd recommend trying to live on the one income for a few months, and pop one income into savings. See what happens; see which activities and purchases you can modify to be more budget-friendly. Make any significant and necessary purchases now while you have the money to spare.

Being a new mom *can* be isolating - so go into it with a commitment to find and maintain supportive friendships. If your current friends view your baby as a drag on the fun, well, you'll need to find more like-minded friends. If you're open minded and not shy, meeting people in a similar life situation is easy (at the park, pediatrician's office, etc). AND it's not against the law to take some time for yourself even post baby.

Best wishes!

[slamjet]

I'm of the opinion that one is NEVER ready to have children. We weren't. My friends were not either. It's more of a case of two things:

1) Opps!

2) Yes, we may not be financially and career wise in the optimum position, but we both are in agreement that we are of a comfortable enough mindset to have children.

Having children is having faith in your future. But don't wait until it's too late because it may be a big regret. Because you either will be too old (yes, I said that) or you will find out that getting or keeping a pregnancy is physically not easy or impossible and may need a medical push for it to happen.

[skippy740]

The ideal situation is when you are no longer concerned with having an "ideal situation".

[slamjet]

the ideal situation is when you are no longer concerned with having an "ideal situation".

Bingo!

[girlygirl]

Skippy740- yes I was waiting for a response like this one. Answers like this seem like a cop out to me. Is it so wrong to want to be financially responsible and make sure you are in a secure position to raise a family? Or should I just be gun-ho and start popping out kids right away?

[slamjet]

Skippy740- yes I was waiting for a response like this one. Answers like this seem like a cop out to me. Is it so wrong to want to be financially responsible and make sure you are in a secure position to raise a family? Or should I just be gun-ho and start popping out kids right away?

This is a tough question for anyone to ask. As I posted, it's a faith in your future thing. My experience: we started having kids right away because I was in school and my wife had a very good paying job. We wanted to get our family started early and we had high hopes for our future. Now I'm the worse example because we divorced, we both lost our jobs and we had five kids to take care of. But I can assure you of one thing; because she stayed the course and stayed close and active in the church, we was blesses and she was and is able to take care of the kids. And now that I finally almost got my head out of my hind-end, I'm able to help more and more with their upkeep and raising.

So, where do you see yourself five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now? When do you feel it's most comfortable to start? What do you want?

Yes, I will concede you have a lot to think about. But please don't fall into the trap of over-analyzing this. Having children is really the most wonderful thing in the whole world.

[AGStacker]

A few questions for you:

1. Will one income be able to support your family? (I'm not talking about the dirt poor examples, but be able to support you and keep you from sliding into debt even though there might not be as much fun stuff?)

2. Do you really expect the exact same quality of life with kids?

3. Do you have any friends who are a little more kid-friendly?

Your life should be better with kids.

[slamjet]

Your life should be better with kids.

Not always.

[Guest]

The ideal situation is one where husband and wife love each other, love Heavenly Father, and strive to keep their covenants. Where essentials can be provided and faith carries you through. We've had various levels of income throughout our marriage, and I can tell you that even considering whether we can or can't eat out, go on fun vacations, etc. we are so happy and our children bring us a lot of joy. During financially leaner times we find more frugal ways to enjoy ourselves. Some of our leanest times have been our happiest times, actually. There is a lot to be said for simplicity and finding the joy in the things money can't buy. It's free to go to the park. It doesn't cost any more to take a picnic than it would to stay at home. Homemade pizza can be fun and really good. Couponing and shopping clearance can save you a great deal of money. Netflix streaming is cheap. etc.

[skippy740]

Skippy740- yes I was waiting for a response like this one. Answers like this seem like a cop out to me. Is it so wrong to want to be financially responsible and make sure you are in a secure position to raise a family? Or should I just be gun-ho and start popping out kids right away?

Your post was about MORE than just "financial responsibility".

BTW, financial responsibility is MORE than just "having money". It's about spending prioritization.

Let's look at your original post for a bit, shall we?

I am planning on having kids in the next few years or so with my husband (we are newly weds.) I know this is going to sound really selfish but I am scared of living off of one income. Right now we both earn reasonable amounts of cash and are able to do the extras like eat out, pay to do fun stuff, plus have a bit extra after the bills are payed, but this is only because we have two incomes. I see alot of young mormon families who are dirt poor living on one income and I will admit it does frighten me and I do not want to be in that situation. We have been trying to build up our lives to not be in that situation by saving money, buying a home, etc. But I still worry it will catch up with us once I am not working. (By the way I plan on raising my kids and staying at home not sending them off to daycare, we were both raised with stay at home moms and value that alot.)

Most of my friends are non lds and young professionals. They are unfortunately not kid friendly and I am worried they will not want to spend time with me and my kids once I have them, and that I will not be able to have the freedom to leave the house to see them as much, or even money that matter to go out with them, and I will be left out and be depressed at home!

Your real fear is running out of money.

Because of this fear, you also fear "feeling trapped" by not having resources to spend as freely as you'd like.

Your second fear is that you won't be like your non-lds kid-free friends and resentful of having your child because you feel that you'll be "missing out" on having a good time.

So, you want kids, but are afraid it will lead to you being depressed.

Until your desire to have a family is GREATER than how you'd look to your friends, you won't be happy.

Until your desire to have a family is GREATER than feeling great about your finances, you won't be happy.

BTW, buying a house is a HUGE financial commitment (although probably a great buy in this market). It won't help your finances in the beginning.

Psst... you may not believe this... but most people aren't financially "happy" no matter WHAT their circumstances are.

Would you rather be unhappy financially WITH kids? Or with NO kids? If you're going to be unhappy financially, you might as well be happy with having a family.

By the time you will think you can afford kids, you probably won't be able to HAVE kids.

[Backroads]

There is a huge difference between being finanicially stable and having a ridiuculously high amount of money. Just because you aren't living in the lap of luxury does not mean you are dirt poor. So you won't be able to go Hawaii twice a year.

[Guest tbaird22]

i cant wait to be dirt poor and rely on HF like crazy... but i guess thats just me haha anyways i think its just a comfort zone (life) thing. Your life is going to change once you have kids. Less money, less free time, etc. The question is are you willing to give all that up?

[slamjet]

Your life is going to change once you have kids. Less money, less free time, etc. The question is are you willing to give all that up?

This is really a good question, but you need to remember that once that child is born, and it's in your arms, and you get that sick panicky feeling that this little lizard is 100% you, and is 100% dependent on YOU, priorities change really fast. All the sudden, bowling with the boys doesn't seem that important anymore.

What your question really asks is if a person is at a level of maturity to accept changes in their life like, less money for entertainment and vacation (let alone steak for dinner), less free time to sleep, eat, cuddle, etc. But replace the variable with the life-expanding experience of having a child, spending money on cute clothing and diapers, share your time with a new little life that will enrich your life beyond what you can ever guess and be the progenitor to YOUR family line.

So yes, you ask a legit question. But the answers need to be answered with a mature mindset and thoughts of not only what is lost, but what is gained.

And don't worry. Going to BYU-I? You'll be married in a week.

[girlygirl]

Hmm all of your guys posts are great but I think you all generally bring up a big point- starting a family is going to be a huge impact on my life with great priority changes. I liked who said 'bowling with the boys isn't as important', this is soo true. Thanks for the posts you all definitely put some things into perspective!

[mightynancy]

A bit of perspective, by Anne Campbell.

To My Child

You are the trip I did not take,

You are the pearls I cannot buy.

You are my blue Italian lake,

You are my piece of foreign sky.

I first read this poem when I was expecting my first child and memorized it immediately. While on one hand, this is about giving up certain things, but on the other hand, it's about the wonder of getting to know this new little person. My children are pearls that no money can buy; they're a whole new world.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I have this hunch you'll figure out how to make money even with having kids at the same time. We rented out the top of our house and lived in our walk-out basement for 8 years. That gave us some pretty solid after-tax income. My wife also babysat other kids now and then. And I had a part-time job that I did from home. I would also sit down and see if there are some ways you can earn some extra income while staying at home.

But I hear your concerns -- I was deathly afraid of the financial and lifestyle impact of having kids and paying tithing and being a "righteous priesthood holder". So far we've survived, in spite of my son being diagnosed with an expensive disorder. You figure it out if the plan you put together doesn't work.

Think of it this way -- was there a time in your life that you made plans for things to work out a certain way, but then, the plan failed and you had to adapt? Did you adapt, and were you successful? You probably were. Well, remember, you can face the future challengse that will come with having children using the same intelligence and ingenuity you used to solve that situation you're reflecting on now.

That's what I tell myself. As Marcus Aurellius said "Fear not the future, for you will face it with the same abilities that have allowed you to solve the problems of the past".

(or something similar, I paraphrased but used quotes anyway).

Edited August 13, 2011 by mormonmusic

[Guest mormonmusic]

Not always.

I've heard many older people who didn't have kids express regrets they didn't have them after they were beyond child-bearing ages. I find the challenges with kids are always there -- they are just different at different ages.

The key is to have the right number of children for your family dynamic. I know our limit in our family, and it's much smaller than the limit a lot of other LDS families have. I find some women are capable of putting out 8 or 10 children. They handle pregnancy well and seem to be able to manage the household just fine with their husband. Others, where the family dynamic (marital dynamic) isn't strong, can't do as well with all those kids.

[Spartan117]

Start off with a puppy. A really cute one. That will prepare you for parenthood. Having a kid is just like having a puppy but it grows up to talk. That's how it's going to be when we start having kids anyway. I don't know how the rest of you have done it but shock collars and squeaky toys will be the way to go for us. Instead of baby proofing the house we're going to run one of the invisible fences around all the cabinets and stuff.

(Newly weds as well, barely a month)(We got a cat, he plays fetch and drinks out of the toilet. I've had dogs that aren't as dog-like as this cat)