Hate my calling..told the Bishop

[Suzie]

Hi Mags, actually my example was about someone who is the only person in the entire ward who can play the piano. You mentioned you wasn't the only one. Having said that, I appreciate your comment, thanks for sharing. :)

[Suzie]

Mormonmusic, all I want to say is that you're a breath of fresh air! What you're saying (IMO) is very true and VERY real and that's exactly the way I see it. I wish I could thank this part twice:

It was the dawn of this awakening that there is SO MUCH we don't know about the underlying history of a person, their upbringing, and even where the line is that we must not cross. Nor do we know the mind and will of God as it applies to others. That line may well be different depending on the circumstances and the individuals involved. All we have is our own conscience and our sense of what is right for own behavior in our own circumstances.

Edited September 25, 2011 by Suzie

[Maureen]

Mormonmusic, all I want to say is that you're a breath of fresh air! What you're saying (IMO) is very true and VERY real and that's exactly the way I see it.

I must second what Suzie has said.

M.

[kalinanav]

I understand how you feel. I asked the Bishop about a month ago to release me. I suffer from depression and my husband lost his job and worked for only 2 months our of this entire year so far. The Bishop refused to help us and I felt like all the supports I had just snapped. I wrote my Bishop a letter after I had a really awful night (trying not to commit suicide) asking him to release me. He talked to me 2 weeks after that to see how I was doing and see if I still wanted to be released. I did and he asked me to wait until they could find someone to replace me. I teach Sunbeams and it seems like nobody wants that calling.

I'm also seeing a counselor that suggested that I REALLY need to go to Relief Society. I have told my bishop all of this. Then I suggested to our Primary President that I could teach with my husband (who teaches the 12-year-olds) and then he and I could go to Priesthood and RS (because his class is all in young men's and women's for the last class of the day).

I just found out today that he won't let us do that and he told the Primary President that he wanted to keep me where I was. I'm really frustrated and am considering telling the President that I won't do it anymore or just going to a different ward for the rest of the year until he gets the message that I want to be released.

I have thought about this and prayer about it and talked it through with friends and family and I know that I need to be in RS. I just don't know how to get my Bishop to see this and realize how serious I am about this. I feel like we sometimes need to give them an ultimatum. "You either release me, or I'm going to a different ward"

I feel more like I'm venting that helping here but, if anything I said helps, then I'm glad to hear it!

[Guest mormonmusic]

Yes, it shows me that you are in a similar position as I was a couple years ago.

The details fo the stressors were different in my life, but the depression was there for a while, the feeling of being overwhelmed, plus some significant burnout. The Stake decision-makers moved at an agonizingly slow pace, to the point our Bishop told me "gee, they really have you working overtime". The aftermath of my request for a release was not pretty....without going into details, like you, I found myself wondering how to serve faithfully in a calling while still retaining some influence over the timing of the release.

The Church Handbook of Instructions devotes hardly any guidance to releases -- focusing primarily on calling to-position protocols. I think this might be part of the reason people like yourself have concerns like the ones you and I have shared.

[MarginOfError]

Beefche, if you've never experienced or witnessed such a situation in your ward, I conclude you have been exceptionally blessed with wonderful leaders who are wise, compassionate, and humble. Not everyone is so lucky.

But be warned, just because you haven't witnessed it yet doesn't mean you won't ever. The nature of a volunteer organization is that you'll run into different attitudes and styles when leadership positions change.

There was a counselor in my bishopric earlier this year that was really really into the "never turn down a calling/never ask to be released" rhetoric. As far as he was concerned, any decision the bishopric made was the express will of God. There were a number of times in bishopric meetings that he would report on a meeting he had with a member in which the member expressed a desire to be released. Every time, he would detail his efforts to talk talk the member out of his or her feelings. The explanation was always accompanied by a phrase such as, "the Lord called you to this."

Now, there are times when that is appropriate, but I firmly believe that the individual is a far better judge of their own spiritual and emotional state than any church leader. If a member feels like his or her spirituality is in decline in a certain calling, 9 times out of 10, they are probably right.

The story of one sister with this member of the bishopric really stands out to me. She and her husband had been called to serve as the family history consultants. A few months later, she told this member of the bishopric that she didn't feel like she was contributing and that she wanted to be released. This counselor told her that the call was inspired and that she needed to strive to find a way to contribute in that calling. I objected and said that maybe we should find her a calling where she feels like she is contributing. My objection wasn't well received by the counselor.

That sister never did find a role as a family history consultant. In fact, she didn't get much time. The bishop decided a few weeks later to release her and she was called as a nursery teacher (over the objections of the counselor who thought she needed a 'learning experience'). Since then, this sister has been thriving and, last I heard, expressed a great love for her current calling.

____________________

I've talked before about the stake extending a calling to me to be the stake scouting specialist. It was a calling I turned down outright. I was then asked to think about it for a couple weeks and see if I felt it was a position I could take despite my objections to Church-run scouting. I agreed to do so, and after three weeks, I still turned down the calling. In the end, I felt very good about having turned it down.

When I have talked about this with friends in the ward, the tension is almost tangible. The first person I discussed it with is a counselor in the bishopric (not the same one as before), but you could tell he was unsure of what to think about me so confidently turning down a calling. It seemed to go against all of his experience. Yet, he didn't feel right to question me about it because he knows how strong my commitment to the Church is. In the end, he just accepted it and moved on.

The other friend with whom I've talked about it at length with actually tried to persuade me to change my mind and take the position. I had to be pretty direct in saying that I had indeed felt spiritual confirmation to turn down the calling. That's a really hard thing to swallow for faithful members of the Church. How is it that the stake presidency can feel confirmation to call me to a position and, at the same time, I can feel confirmation to refuse it?

Fortunately, I am very blessed to have good leaders who accepted my decision and moved on. My bishop has been nothing but supportive. We'll see how the stake presidency really feels about my decision in December when I renew my temple recommend, but based on the interactions I've had with them so far, I don't think it will even come up.

What I've learned over the past few years of working closely with the bishopric in my ward is that

• Not every position is inspired of God
• Many positions are inspired. Many other positions are filled because the work of God needs to go forth.
• Sometimes the Lord doesn't need a special talent. Sometimes he needs any willing person. This fact does not cheapen the value of the calling. (Anecdote, I know a woman who thought her call to serve as the Relief Society chorister was entirely uninspired, but to the Relief Society presidency, a woman who would faithfully show up and be prepared was a godsend--it was one less thing they had to worry about every week. Small contributions do make a difference)
• People are, in general, very good at evaluating their own spiritual progression. Leaders should not delude themselves into thinking they have a monopoly on this kind of evaluation.
• Revelation to a bishop or stake president does not automatically trump revelation to an individual. Remember, revelation often comes as a response to a question. A slight variation in the question can result in a very big change to the answer.

[Vort]

Right after our ten-year-old was born, Sister Vort was asked to be a seminary teacher. (This was before seminary teacher was a calling.) Sister Vort explained to the new bishop that she was caring for and nursing a newborn while homeschooling three boys, the oldest an eight-year-old, and otherwise running a household. The bishop replied that he knew her situation, but he felt like she should be a seminary teacher.

Despite her hesitation, Sister Vort accepted the call to serve. What followed were two years of great spiritual growth and insight for her (and two years of having a great teacher for her seminary kids). It was tough for her, and it was not an obvious or "logical" job for her by any stretch of imagination. But it was the right thing for her.

Vort's moral: Don't discount a bishop's inspiration just because you think you know better. I am one who tries to live by "never turn down a calling", and I think I have been blessed for it.

[MarginOfError]

Right after our ten-year-old was born, Sister Vort was asked to be a seminary teacher. (This was before seminary teacher was a calling.) Sister Vort explained to the new bishop that she was caring for and nursing a newborn while homeschooling three boys, the oldest an eight-year-old, and otherwise running a household. The bishop replied that he knew her situation, but he felt like she should be a seminary teacher.

Despite her hesitation, Sister Vort accepted the call to serve. What followed were two years of great spiritual growth and insight for her (and two years of having a great teacher for her seminary kids). It was tough for her, and it was not an obvious or "logical" job for her by any stretch of imagination. But it was the right thing for her.

Vort's moral: Don't discount a bishop's inspiration just because you think you know better. I am one who tries to live by "never turn down a calling", and I think I have been blessed for it.

But it's a two way street, Vort. You can't completely discount your leaders' inspiration, neither should they completely discount the member's inspiration.

The problem that usually arises in these kinds of discussions is some people tend to lean too heavily toward the member (me) and others tend to lead to heavily toward the leader (you).

We can go back and forth with the anecdotal evidence all day. All we'll establish in doing that is that both camps have plenty of evidence on their side--which should be obvious, because both camps have a point.

The challenge to individuals and to leaders is to learn how to decipher if a member is resisting a calling out of convenience, or out of genuine spiritual concern. That's hard to do, and for all of us, it's easier to just throw a blanket rule of either "never turn down a calling" or "the member is the better judge of their development."

If I've implied we shouldn't challenge members to take callings that aren't convenient for them, I apologize. That isn't the message I mean to convey. But there's a big difference between, "this isn't convenient for me" and "I feel a confirmation from the Lord telling me that this is not a good calling for me." Leaders and members need to talk to each other to understand the circumstances of the member and come to an agreement on the service that will be of mutual benefit to the member and the organization.

[Guest gopecon]

We need to remember that bishops/branch presidents and their counselors cannot be aware of every situation in a members life. Callings are generally not issued "till death do us part". There's nothing wrong with approaching the person who issued a call and explaining a need for release due to X problem. Generally speaking, that conversation should be consultative in nature and not demanding, but if one's situation has changed to the point that they need a release - I wouldn't assume that the bishop will automatically be inspired to call someone else.

As someone who is in a branch presidency, I can tell you that my experience has been that some callings are "more inspired" than others. Some times we have a spot to fill, and few obvious candidates. We do seek confirmation for all callings, but even to someone who is a part of the process there are some that seem to be filling gaps rather than a voice from on high directing the work. As someone has said, maybe God is in the details. I'm sure He knew how all of the other callings would work out, so that the "last man standing" was just as planned out as the bishop.

I do believe that if we treat every calling as inspired and do our best with them that our efforts will be blessed. Whether someone was called by the voice of the Spirit to be a RS President, or called as a piano player because they were the only one available, if they serve with a good attitude and do their best, then they will be able to bless lives (both their own and others). Should we ever turn one down? I would try not too, but if you really can't do something (for mental, spiritual, or other reasons), there's nothing wrong with letting you leaders know about your situation.

[kalinanav]

Vort's moral: Don't discount a bishop's inspiration just because you think you know better. I am one who tries to live by "never turn down a calling", and I think I have been blessed for it.

I have always lived by that too. I have never refused a calling. I have definitely felt uncomfortable in callings but have learned and grown as a result of those callings. I felt reservations for my calling in the Sunbeams but I still accepted it and gave my best effort. I have found my faith dwindling and I never want to go to church anymore. I dread every sunday and I find it too hard to take care of 3 extremely active and stubborn children all day everyday and then go to church to have to take care of my kids in sacrament and 2-8 sunbeams (some of which have some major issues, mentally). I feel like an overworked babysitter at this point and I really prayed about being released.

I feel so strongly that I need to be in RS. I still believe in not turning down a calling (but maybe we really should be praying about it if we have reservations). Nobody understands what you are going through in your life except yourself. I am VERY good at seeming happy and I almost always have a smile on my face. I hate confrontation, I am a peacemaker and I love to serve others but sometimes, my well-being has to come before others.

[james12]

I have seen a lot of posts about whether the person issuing a call was inspired. However, there is another side to this debate and it has to do with the Lord's aid when a call is given. President Monson said it this way, "Whom the Lord calls, the Lord qualifies." Is that a true statement or not? Will the Lord build our capacities to meet the challenge?

You Make a Difference - general-conference

Whom the Lord Calls, the Lord Qualifies? - general-conference

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