Husband going to Germany with best friend

[zuko725]

Okay guys, a little background info (if you haven't read my post from a few months ago)

I've been a member my whole life but was inactive when I met and married my husband. I am now back at church and struggling with being married to a non member. My husband was investigating the church but lost interest. I posted this in an earlier forum and recieved very helpful advice!

My problem now is I have recently discovered that my husband will be going to Germany in January for his Annual Training. (He's in the reserves) and his best friend will be going too.

Here's my problem: I really really really dislike his friend. Why?

-He's an alcoholic

-Disrespectful to women (he even used to hit his ex fiance.. he was usually provoked, but that's still no excuse)

-He sees girls as objects to "sleep" with

-Can't hold down a job.. he was fired from his last one because of a DUI (his 2nd one in 3 years)

-I've personally heard him bash my husband behind his back.. but then will turn right around and act buddy buddy to him.

-He's an athiest and thinks anyone who believes in God is dumb.

The list goes on.. but I honestly don't know how him and my husband are friends.. they're so different. But my husband's reasoning is that they've been best friends since they were kids and excuses this guys behavior by saying "He was just drunk.. he doesn't mean anything he says / does".

Anyways.. There have been trips to Germany before but my husband has never got to go on one. The first trip was voluntary but my husband didn't want to go (and has regretted it since). The second trip the whole unit was supposed to go on but it was discovered at the last minute that my husbands training wasn't up to date so he had to go on a seperate AT from everyone else and then there was a voluntary trip for next month that him and this friend wanted to go on but it was cancelled.

So I feel bad that my husband has never been anywhere "cool" and has never really got to travel before so I'm excited for him to have this oppurtunity but I can't stand that he is going with this friend.

When his friend went last time, when he came back all he talked about was how drunk he got. (Apparently they were given lots of R&R time to explore the country.. so it wasn't all work)

I will admit that part of me is jealous.. I've always wanted to go to Germany and I'm jealous that my husband gets to go with his friend and not me. BUT.. I'm still excited for my husband and if he were going WITHOUT this friend I would be perfectly fine with it.

I guess my problem is I can't stand the thought of the two of them bar hopping together in Germany and getting into trouble. His friend has a knack for getting in bad situations. My husband isn't much of a drinker and actually hates dark beer.. but his friend has been known to pressure him into doing things.

The idea of this trip makes me sick to my stomach. Am I just being crazy? I talked to my husband about this and he knows I"m uncomfortable with him going but doesn't understand why his friend bothers me so much.

This trip will be 3 weeks long and I'm afraid that after 3 weeks in Germany with this guy he's going to come back acting just like him or something. They went to Virginia over the summer for AT and my husband came back acting just like his friend and it took like 3weeks for him to return to "normal".

I realize I may be over reacting but can anyone give me some advice to give me peace of mind? This is seriously driving me crazy.

[NeuroTypical]

Your issue isn't with the friend, it's about the trust you have in your husband.

Do you trust your husband to not do dumb things? Then stop worrying about it.

Do you lack trust in your husband? Then answer this - is the lack of trust appropriate or inappropriate? In other words, is your husband a good guy and you have a problem trusting him? Or is your husband weak or immature, and will probably do something dumb in Germany?

[RMGuy]

Your husband has an obligation to attend AT with his unit. I don't know how you propose to get him out of that. If your concern is with your husbands behavior while he is there, I would suggest an open and none threatening conversation with him. If you feel that you can't have that conversation then there is something else wrong in the relationship than this trip or his or your membership status.

-RM

[Guest Godless]

My question is, do you have a problem with him drinking at all, even if he's responsible about it? I'm a reservist who's gone out drinking all over the country during training assignments. Reservists love to drink. We tend to do a lot of it. Yes, we're slightly different people when we're away from home with our Army comrades. Speaking strictly for myself though, my drinking habits don't necessarily change very much when I'm on orders. If your husband is a responsible drinker at home, chances are he'll be responsible while he's on AT. He may go a bit overboard once or twice, but hey, I probably would too if I spent three weeks in Germany. Again, the question is whether or not you're okay with that. Like LM said, it's largely a matter of trust.

It's good that you've addressed the issue with him. Keep talking to him about it and help him understand your concerns about his friend. However, keep in mind that good Army units are like fraternal brotherhoods. We look out for each other and have bonds that outsiders may not understand. It's part of what helps us work as a team to accomplish the mission and bring everyone home safe. I've made friends over the years that are probably similar to your husband's friend, but I've shared experiences with those guys that my loved ones back home will never understand. That's the kind of bond the military creates. You don't have to like the guy, but don't hold your breath waiting for your husband to kick him to the curb.

[zuko725]

Thanks for the replies guys.

Yes, I do trust my husband. He really is a good guy and like I mentioned in the post, he is a very light drinker and doesn't like dark beer. But, being in Germany, I'm sure he will learn to drink it. Who goes to Germany and drinks A bud light?

To answer an earlier question, I do prefer he didn't drink, but he isn't a member and I knew this when I married him. I just have a problem with him going out drinking with this particular friend. I feel like this friend is a bad influence and 3 weeks of them hanging out at bars in a country known for it's drinking bothers me. Maybe I do have trust issues in that area. But my husband really doesn't see his friend the way others do. (Surprisingly enough my husband is this guys only friend lol)

But I really don't know how to deal with this. The closer this trip gets, the more upset I feel. I wish I could just simply be happy for him but I can't.

[Bini]

Thanks for the replies guys.

Yes, I do trust my husband. He really is a good guy and like I mentioned in the post, he is a very light drinker and doesn't like dark beer. But, being in Germany, I'm sure he will learn to drink it. Who goes to Germany and drinks A bud light?

To answer an earlier question, I do prefer he didn't drink, but he isn't a member and I knew this when I married him. I just have a problem with him going out drinking with this particular friend. I feel like this friend is a bad influence and 3 weeks of them hanging out at bars in a country known for it's drinking bothers me. Maybe I do have trust issues in that area. But my husband really doesn't see his friend the way others do. (Surprisingly enough my husband is this guys only friend lol)

But I really don't know how to deal with this. The closer this trip gets, the more upset I feel. I wish I could just simply be happy for him but I can't.

This is a valid point made.

I agree with the PP about having a heart-to-heart with your husband and having trust in him. However, if your husband doesn't see his bestfriend's behaviour (the bullet-points you listed) as destructive and potentially harmful, that can be an issue. From what you originally posted about your husband's friend, none of that is good and personally I can't see how anyone can justify such behaviour and go along with it. So definitely sit down and go over your concerns that you have about this trip.

I know that if I expressed my feelings regarding my husband bar-hopping etc with a friend that is NOT responsible, he'd agree to decline to go because why put yourself in a situation with someone that lives a destructive lifestyle? To clarify, I'm only talking about "social time" with his friend. Not putting your foot down on him going to Germany with his friend.. After all, your husband has an obligation to full-fill his duty.

[girlygirl]

Only you know your husband, my take on it is from what you are saying he seems like a very responsible guy, and I think you should give him a little more credit from it. I have friends who do some (ahem) questionable things but they have been my friends from childhood, looking on the outside we are not at all alike but we still get along and have that great childhood bond.

Your husband will resent you if you start saying you don't 'trust' 'like' 'accept' or whatever his friend. It is his friend, I am sure he knows how you feel about him by now, but by implying that he is so easily swayed by him, that your concerned about him being away and that you suspect the worse will happen will make him feel controlled and that you don't give him any credit.

What is the worst that CAN happen? I really don't think it can be that bad if he is his own person and knows himself. But then again, I am assuming that he is a trust worthy person which only you know.

What you need to ask yourself is are you worried because he honestly can't stand up to peer pressure and or take care of himself? Or are you just over analyzing until you assume the worst will happen and letting insecurities make you anxious?

Only you know in your gut what is right for the two of you- good luck!