Serious dating before my mission - Good idea? Bad idea?

[Batmanifestdestiny]

A few months ago, I fell in love with a wonderful, beautiful woman. We aren't anything official yet (we started out as just friends for a couple years, so I don't want to rush anything), but I really love her. I think she could be the one, which fills me with amazing joy, but there is still one problem.

I'm working on going on a mission, which gives me extremely mixed signals. For one thing, my friend mentioned to me (on a very sad day) that the reason she wasn't really trying to be in a relationship with me was my lack of RM status. All heart-breaking aside (there were lots of factors in that day, with some unfun months, but now I think she's starting to like me again), I could understand her not wanting to hold me back and not wanting to feel bound to someone who's not even around. Still, I love her very much, so I asked some people for advice. My bishop said that serious dating before a mission is a bad idea, though he mentioned that he's a bad example since his wife was his highschool sweetheart and she waited for him. Asking some RM friends, they said to go for it in the hopes of having someone to write to. I've also had an RM friend tell me that it's nothing but trouble, that she'll leave me and I'll end up as a husk of a person unable to successfully carry out my mission, and coming home to shattered dreams.

Asking myself about it, I can feel the need to not be too attached, and I made a vow with myself that, if she finds someone who will truly make her happy for all eternity, I'll be mature about it and be more than happy for her (after all, I just want to see her happy). At the same time, there's the side of my brain that says "What if she beats the odds? What if she waits? What if I can come home, sweep her off her feet and be the happiest man in the world?"

Trying to infer what my friend thinks about it is hard. She is ecstatic about my decision to go on a mission, and for a while was considering a mission herself (meaning that she would leave when I get home, leaving ample time for me to wait for her and guaranteeing that she wouldn't marry someone in my absence), though she recently kind of set that aside with a tone suggesting that she was advised not to go. She still spends time with me when our schedules line up just right (even when they don't, we squeeze in some time to talk or study), and she recently started seeming more happy to see me (as opposed to a painful period of a month or so, that's a story that I'll only tell if you want to hear it), but that could just be the fact that we're some of the best friends in the universe, as opposed to her loving me (though, really, isn't love just an extension of friendship? I tell myself that).

So, what I'm trying to say it help. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I have no idea if preparing for a mission can happen alongside being in love. When I pray about it, sometimes I feel like what I'm doing is right, sometimes it feels like a "it's not hurting any" and sometimes I feel empty inside, so I don't know what it all means.

[RMGuy]

If you have decided to serve a mission, then I would recommend not getting too attached in any form of serious relationship before you go, and for different reasons than you might otherwise hear on this site.

1. It will be harder for you to concentrate on the mission.

2. It will be harder for her as well, to be committed to you, but not have you around (if you care for her, I don't know that you would want to put her through this).

3. The more serious and close you become that more likely that you will be tempted to be closer physically and this could result in a church leader deciding you are unworthy to serve, OR guilt on your part.

If you are not committed to a mission, and both of you are more committed to developing the relationship then that is a different question than what you asked.

-RM

[Guest mormonmusic]

I left on my mission with a girl at home who I'd dated for two years previously. I didn't commit to anything before I left, but she stayed faithful the whole time. Sent me letters, gifts, love, everything. It was wonderful. Then I got home and prayed about it, had some concerns, and felt like Joseph Smith did in the old First Vision movie when Satan attacks him. I never felt so depressed in my whole life when I prayed if I should marry her.

This broke her heart. The women in the Ward treated me like dirt afterwards. How could he let her wait all those years and then not marry her!!!!! Talk about judgmentalism.....without understanding.

I wouldn't recommend leaving with any strings attached. My story is just one possible outcome. She could meet someone on your mission and that'll make you feel like dirt there. Best leave it open -- it's awful to be in a relationship where you can't experience life with the person. Long distance relationships can be like that too. I've experienced that as well.

Leave it alone until you are there to experience a relationship face to face.

And by the way, I have a ton of advice about how to really assess if the person really is the one. Simply dating a person and liking/loving/adoring them is only one part of the equation. There are other leading indicators one could look at that to determine just how compatible you might be. While "any two people living the gospel can get along", it's a whole heck of a lot easier to marry someone you get along with, without even trying.

[Guest]

Waste of time and money. Cut ties, and if it's meant to be it will work out when you're available.

[prophetofdoom]

Since you are asking for opinions, I will offer mine. I think you should break it off with this woman. It is not a good idea to go on a mission with a girlfriend. I thought I was "in love" when I left on my mission. I could hardly focus on my mission for the first 3 months of my mission. Then, I broke it off with her because I realized it wasn't right.

Trust me... there will be time for love and romance after your mission. Your family, friends, and ward can provide you with all the letters you need.

[Batmanifestdestiny]

Well, I've given it deep thought and prayer. I know it sounds dumb that I never spent a long time praying about it before...From conference and from more personal sources I feel like I need to just prepare for a mission in any way possible, reading the Book of Mormon, bible, D&C, Pearl of Great Price, "The Miracle of Forgiveness" and whatever else seems pertinent to an upcoming mission. For the past couple of days I've felt that, by preparing for a mission, everything will just fall into place.

So yeah, thanks for the advice, I guess I'll keep you updated with my progress toward a mission and whatever that entails.

[skippy740]

Most 19-year olds probably can't focus on their mission thinking about a girl back home.

I went on my mission at age 21 and I had a girl back home. The most that it distracted me was when she wrote me and I read her letters... and when I wrote her back. I didn't mope around feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't with her or anything. Heck, I told her to date. She didn't. And she waited. We got married... had 3 kids... (well, I won't ruin the thread with how things are now).

You need to know yourself well enough to know if you will focus on your duty while serving your mission. If so, write the extra email/letter on preparation day. If not, break it off... for the sake of focus on your mission (and your companions who will have to deal with you).

You'll need to be extremely careful before you leave for your mission that you don't get too physical. I would recommend that you date and stay in public places at all times. Never stay in the car when it isn't moving towards your next destination.

[zuko725]

I think a situation like this depends from person to person.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with her and keeping her in mind as a potential spouse for when you get back. I wouldn't get too serious with her though, because it will make things that much harder and asking her to wait would be unfair.

Your top priority right now is your mission. Preparing for your mission and being in tune with the spirit is what you should focus on most.

If she is still there when you get back and you both still feel the same then great! If not, then that means there is someone else out there that may be just a bit better for you.

[mrmarklin]

In my experience:

Two kinds of missionaries that had girlfriends after a year or so:

Those that were afraid that the girl would not wait and those that were afraid she would.

Edit: Bottom line is at 19 you're too young for any serious relationship.

Edited October 5, 2011 by mrmarklin

[slamjet]

In my experience:

Two kinds of missionaries that had girlfriends after a year or so:

Those that were afraid that the girl would not wait and those that were afraid she would.

And that's no joke.

[Batmanifestdestiny]

Thanks guys. skippy, I hear what you're saying about the whole physicality thing. I feel fortunate that I'm awkward at the current moment, because that's been a sure-fire way to prevent any of those situations (even when we were sitting in a car in my driveway talking for a few minutes, the thought of doing anything repulsed me, not only because of what it is, but because I was terrified she would be scared away). I guess low self-esteem is good for keeping worthiness, since worrying about "if I make a move, will she hate me forever?" is a good way to not make a move.

zuko, thanks for the advice. I told myself when I first realized that a mission was coming up that, if I ever fell in love with someone, I wouldn't tell them to wait, because that's a controlling and unfair thing to do.

mrmarklin, I know what you mean. Part of me sees a beautiful future, part of me sees me getting "Dear John"-ed, and yet another part of me sees her waiting, only for it not to work out after all that time.

Either way, now I'm focusing more than ever on a mission and, as a strange side-effect, now my friend is actually trying to make time to see me more often.