Support Group For Wives Of Lds Sexual Addicts

[sgallan]

Until you have walked in shoes of a wife of a porn addict, you have no idea what it is like to live through it. It goes way beyond "looking at naked women on the Internet" because of "natural urges".

Please get specific.

I live with the consequences of addiction pretty much everyday. The addiction wasn't porn, it was drugs, but I am a single dad raising a gifted child nonetheless.

Looking at porn on the net from time to time is not an addiction. Even if it is kept from you. If the credit card bills come in with the charges being in the hundreds or thousands of dollars..... that is a sign of addiction. If your spouse is incapable of being close to you in a spousal/private manner, or requires things from you in that way that you have no interest in..... that could be sexual addiction. If your spouse gets fired from a job for using company computers to look at porn..... that is a clear sign. But if it is a 'game' of sorts, where you don't like it (even if your reasons are valid), but he does it anyhow, that is more of a marital problem, than an addictive problem. Those problems happen all of the time. The most common version being money. Which begs the question...... if the husband/wife spends more than the other spouse likes, and it leads to problems, or a divorce, is it a "money addiction" problem?

[shanstress70]

The most common version being money. Which begs the question...... if the husband/wife spends more than the other spouse likes, and it leads to problems, or a divorce, is it a "money addiction" problem?

I think that excess shopping is in the same ballpark as spending money on porn on the internet or wherever. I actually think that excess shopping is more to blame in harming a marriage than looking at porn if it's free.

[cutelilchikin]

I think the wife of sex addicts actually know the difference between occasionally looking at porn and sexual addiction. And if the husband is hiding his activities, that's also a sign of addiction. drug addicts don't come out and tell their spouses their addicted to drugs. they try to hide it. I'm not saying just cuz they lie, it means they're addicts, but it's one of the first signs. Just like when a husband starts lying about where he's been. that's a first sign that he's cheating. i'm not saying it means he's cheating. it's just a sign. A spouse is someone who is supposed to be as close to that person as someone can get both emotionally and physically. The intimacy they share makes it so they know each other better than anyone else knows them. A spouse has instincts that tell them something is wrong. We shouldn't over dramatize the problem, but we shouldn't say that it's not there. You can't know that. And you can't possibly know how that person feels. I think the support group would be wonderful and i wish you goodluck in your marriage, Doodlebug!!

[doodlebug]

Thank you chiKin :)

I think you can be addicted to anything. In my mind, it becomes an addiction when it starts controlling you rather than you controlling it. I think it's important that you maintain control over your choices and addiction prevents you from doing that.

[Fiannan]

I think the wife of sex addicts actually know the difference between occasionally looking at porn and sexual addiction. And if the husband is hiding his activities, that's also a sign of addiction.

That might be true. Perhaps a relationship where if the husband or wife find something interesting on the net they admit it and share it with each other is a way to make sure an addiction doesn't take place. Think that might work?

I am not a fan of porn but perhaps a relationship where the couple is honest with each other might be healthier than one where one spouce is judgemental and would go all ballistic if they found out their husband or wife was checking out sites on the net. Opinions?

[pushka]

With my ex husband I used to be very 'anti' porn of any kind. I think it was more to do with his attitude towards me and sex rather than the fact that he looked at the naked images. He did want me to take part in practises that I disagreed with, found perverse, and called me frigid or other names if I objected. My self esteem suffered as a result of this, our relationship ultimately failed.

I have now been with my current partner for 4 years. He has openly viewed porn on the net and on dvds but with a totally different attitude than my ex. When I tried to object to him discussing viewing porn with me, he explained that he imagined me being in the images rather than the actual person displayed, and that it excited him. He has never asked me to take part in anything that I dislike, and as a result we have a very open and honest attitude towards sex with each other, and have even viewed porn together without me experiencing any of the negative feelings that occurred during my marriage.

[Outshined]

Seems like a good place to once again add a link to Clean-LDS, which is designed to help those who struggle with pornography addiction.

[Fiannan]

Seems like the site is still in its infancy stage. Also, is there a site devoted to women who are addicted to soap operas and those romance novels that are basically only a tad bit less explicite than a Penthouse reader's forum?

And don't read into that a thing...I have not seen one of those magazines opened since I was in high school.

[Dr T]

Hey Fin,

Do you see soap opera viewing as sinful? Do you see looking upon a woman as adultery like Jesus said?

Thank you,

Dr. T

[Fiannan]

The general premise of a soap opera (Anglo ones, not Hispanic ones) is a bunch of hedonists with emotional problems trying to sort out who is the father of the illegitimate baby -- who grows to adulthood in less than seven years.

At least with porn you know you are walking through the swamp -- with soaps you have a blindfold on.

The message behind the soaps is probably more dangerous than those of porn since many are teaching values that run totally contrary to God's laws, but are mixed in with nice looking people and messages that are designed to go under the radar of the filtering section of the mind.

[Outshined]

Seems like the site is still in its infancy stage.

It's been around for several years; the site itself is just a gateway to the mail lists. All the actual work is done through email discussions.

Also, is there a site devoted to women who are addicted to soap operas and those romance novels that are basically only a tad bit less explicite than a Penthouse reader's forum?

I always heard those referred to as "bodice-rippers"...

And don't read into that a thing...I have not seen one of those magazines opened since I was in high school.

Don't worry; I believe you...

[Dr T]

Sir,

Is your argument, "its ok to participate in sinful things as long as they are evidently sinful? And wrong/truly wrong if they are subtly evil"?

Thanks

Dr. T

[Outshined]

This may be off the topic, but I recently found a very good free Internet filter at http://www.k9webprotection.com . If you have kids or just want to limit the "adult" stuff from your computer, I can recommend it.

[sgallan]

than the fact that he looked at the naked images.

There are naked paintings, and sculptures, that are more real than any internet image, and are considered art. Classical art no less, that has stood the test of hundreds, even thousands, of years.

There are those who consider swimsuit issues, that do not show any of the forbidden parts, as porn. And in some cases I would even agree with them. And yet there is full nudity, that show everything, that I wouldn't remotely consider porn.

This begs the question of; what is porn?

Anybody want to define it?

PS - This was not meant to criticize the poster from whom I picked this selectively chosen tidbit in anyway whatsoever. I am just curious to the general responses.

[Fiannan]

Is your argument, "its ok to participate in sinful things as long as they are evidently sinful? And wrong/truly wrong if they are subtly evil"?

No I did not say that. However, just because society puts no NC-17 on soap operas that does not mean they are not as bad. Come to think of it wasn't it Spencer W. Kimball who warned against watching these programs?

In a typical porn flick you have people having sex in the most absurd plots. You also have equally absurd stage names for the atresses and actors (remember Long Dong Silver from the Clarance Thomas confirmation hearings? That name is forever immortalized the The Congressional Record of the United States.). For the most part ADULT viewers know these programs are pure fantasy.

However, when one is exposed to a lot of daytime and prime time programs where there is no nudity (and only virtual sex) many of these people think they are unaffected. Yet there are ideologies contained in the soaps that are more dangerous in the sense that viewers may not filter the hyper-immorality out and they start accepting thelifestyles presented as okay and "what everyone is doing".

Just as an example of the power of these mediums, a few years back the Mexican government decided that the birtrhrate was too high. Some foundations stepped in and got together with writers and producers of soap operas. They intentionally created storylines that made small families seem attractive and larger ones not. The use of these soaps is credited with the drastic decline in births in the late 70s and the 1980s.

Not that I would want my kids viewing porn rather than prime time TV but let's get real -- prime time and daytime TV is (overall) more destructive to American cultural character than porn is.

[shanstress70]

Just as an example of the power of these mediums, a few years back the Mexican government decided that the birtrhrate was too high. Some foundations stepped in and got together with writers and producers of soap operas. They intentionally created storylines that made small families seem attractive and larger ones not. The use of these soaps is credited with the drastic decline in births in the late 70s and the 1980s.

Which is a good thing, right? Half of the population of Mexico is living in poverty. I've never heard of that about the Mexican soap operas, but I think it's great if it worked!

[Dr T]

Hi Finn,

Thank for your thoughts. I understand the importance of guarding our minds and the mind of our children. I see subtle messages that have a negative influence. To set this up against another impure activity however is setting it up as a dichotomy of one being worse than the other. I'm not God, I do not presume to talk for Him, I just think that sin is sin is sin and I’d guess that God despises ALL sin. I have read about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and see that. Attempting to walk a godly life would require fleeing from all sin not making excuses for it or making it look “less troublesome” by comparison to other sins. Just my two cents.

THanks

[hairdye]

Wow, several interesting viewpoints on this topic.

As for Clean-LDS, it is a wonderful tool.

Doodlebug, I appreciate the insight you have provided on this, I have found what you have written to be true in my life as a spouse of 16 years and I am not here to argue it with anyone or to feel I need to prove my experiences to any of the posters who have replied already or who may reply to my post. I will be p.m.'ing you for your information! Thanks. :)

FYI- P*rn is often accompanied by M*sturbat*on

I'm not trying to start a debate, just letting ya know from my experience and support groups etc. for those who are okay with a little bit of naked lady viewing etc.

[Fiannan]

You know, a member of Sweden's Christian party's leadership (I think on the local or regional level) thought one solution to Sweden's low birthrate was to require the state channels to run porn all day long on Saturdays to get Swedes thinking about sex and (hopefully) taking up more maternity beds when the inevitable occured. She caused some controversy with this but maybe she had a point since Swedes are hardly known for their passion and as for sensuality that is a Hollywood media-created myth. Maybe a few people need a jump start -- not that I am saying anything positive (in the moral sense) about porn.

Just something I thought was interesting.

[79scholar]

Well I'll be flat out honest:

I'm grateful my wife fulfills my sexual appetites. (Granted it's probably impossible to fulfill ALL those appetites, but you get the idea). I believe Fiannan is right to a noticeable degree ... because when sexual appetites are not fulfilled in a marriage (male or female), the temptation is infinitely greater to resort to other sources of fulfillment.

If a woman (or man) never allows sex with the partner and keeps putting it off time and time again (without giving the other a reason why and also supply love and care), there WILL be sexual and EMOTIONAL frustration, which very often leads to significant temptation, and the sin will be partly on the head of the partner for their neglect.

That's right, sometimes a wife can be partly responsible for a man resorting to pornography.

.... and then some guys just REALLY need help and [expletive verb deleted] their wives more often.

Edit: In summary, if the couple has a healthy sex life, then it's all the man's fault, and the man should NOT be looking at porn ... period.

[79scholar]

Not that I would want my kids viewing porn rather than prime time TV but let's get real -- prime time and daytime TV is (overall) more destructive to American cultural character than porn is.

I disagree. I'd say they are comparatively the same ... because one must realize that trashy soaps (along with other trashy Hollywood TV shows) have been in the media for a longer period of time than internet pornography ... and so their effects are more visible (greed, envy, idleness ... it's emotional pornography as it toys with emotions and in turn feeds trash). This new plague of internet pornography in the rising generation is causing physical promiscuity and perversion at an accelerated rate. Hip hop and other music is also geared to promote sex, and combine such with the immodesty trends (Isaiah 3), "entertainment" promoting vacuous minds, and the whitewashing of public education ... it will slowly create a rising generation of mindless, sex-crazed, pill-popping basket-cases that make hippies look holy.

I call it ... America: Death by Entertainment.

[79scholar]

Thank you chiKin :)

I think you can be addicted to anything. In my mind, it becomes an addiction when it starts controlling you rather than you controlling it. I think it's important that you maintain control over your choices and addiction prevents you from doing that.

Genius! This is the best definition of addiction I have seen yet. :)

This support group will be a very good thing. *inserts praise*

[doodlebug]

Thank you so much :) I think there is such a need out there for something to help people understand and deal with sexual addiction. LDS Social Services is starting to recognize the seriousness of this issue through specialized group therapy sessions only for sexual addicts, but it is such a newly recognized issue that there is not much out there for wives to help them know how to deal with it. It is such a taboo subject and bringing it up nearly always leads to judgements by others.

[Laureltree]

Addiction involves placing your desire for something above everything else (i.e. family, job). Addiction is a very real problem and addiction experts have said that sexual addiction is harder to overcome than even an addiction to cocaine. An article by Elder Oaks in the May 2005 Ensign states:

"Pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex. It erodes the moral barriers that stand against inappropriate, abnormal, or illegal behavior. As conscience is desensitized, patrons of pornography are led to act out what they have witnessed, regardless of its effects on their life and the lives of others.

Pornography is also addictive. It impairs decision-making capacities and it “hooks” its users, drawing them back obsessively for more and more. A man who had been addicted to pornography and to hard drugs wrote me this comparison: “In my eyes cocaine doesn’t hold a candle to this. I have done both. … Quitting even the hardest drugs was nothing compared to [trying to quit pornography]”" (http://library.lds.org)

While I am sure that there are many cases in which sexual repression causes problems in a relationship, I think that sexual addiction is a huge problem and should not be ignored merely because there are other problems out there. A husband's addiction to pornography does not imply sexual repression on the wife's part. In many cases the addiction was nutured before the couple even met. The pain that wives of sexual addicts have to endure is very real and very destructive. I would much rather have women request help for an addiction that doesn't exist than have women have to go through such a trial without someone to help them through it.

They have one already but if you want to start another awesome.....

LaurelTree

[Princess3dward]

Thank you chiKin :)

I think you can be addicted to anything. In my mind, it becomes an addiction when it starts controlling you rather than you controlling it. I think it's important that you maintain control over your choices and addiction prevents you from doing that.

I agree, no matter how weird the thing may seem.

I... (I am not joking, and don't laugh.. it was awful for me)

was addicted to scratching my head...

Even it if wasn't itchy... which it never was...

I had scabs on my head and every time I scratched I bled.

On a more serious note..

I was also addicted to cutting,

and every time I got bored, I would take a razor and cut myself..

Anything you are used to doing, becomes an addiction.