Confused Or Faithless?

[cutelilchikin]

I'll be 21 in less than a month. In the last 9 months it seems like everything I've believed since I joined the church, I don't believe anymore. I was taken away from my parents by social services when I was 6 years old. That was after I had suffered 6 long years of abuse with no one stepping in to help. My Grandparents, kindhearted, unselfish folks that they are, decided that they would take my sister and I in. At this time we lived in Cincinnati Ohio. When we came to live with them, my Grandparents decided it was time to retire and we moved to Utah. Believe it or not, we were baptists up until about a year after we moved to Utah. Everyone was so nice to us when we moved in. They helped us unload everything and brought us cookies and other treats. Then someone sent the missionaries. My Grandma and sister joined the church but I couldn't. I had to wait a year before I could. I was really excited to be baptized. When I look back, I don't know if I really believed it or if I just wanted to be like my Grandma. My grandparents adopted my sister and I about 3 years after we came to live with them. I had a pretty normal childhood up until around the time I turned 14. I had blocked out everything from the first 6 years of my life and one day, it all just started coming back. As if it wasn't hard enough being a teenager in a town where most of the people had been members their whole lives with both their parents having been members their whole lives and having a "forever family" whereas I didnt' even know anything about most of my family and my sister had stopped going to church at this point and my grandpa not being a member and having lived through a horrific amount of abuse, i was having flash backs of being sexually abused by someone i had completely trusted. It seems at that age that girls tend to do the whole backstabbing act. I got tired of dealing with that so most of my friends were guys. My best friend at the time was an "outsider" like me. Her mom died of breast cancer when she was 9 and she ended up taking up the place of "mom" in her home. It seemed like the closer she and I got, the more the other girls in our ward hated us. They started spreading rumors about us that we were sleeping around with guys and were pregnant and doing drugs (which for the record, we weren't). It really hurt. These were the girls that I had been friends with through elementary and when I needed support the most, they turned their back on me. It seemed like our YW leaders did the same. They kept accusing us of stuff that we didn't do and asking us if we were having sex. the lowest point was when i went in for my birthday interview and the bishop wouldn't even believe what I told him. We went to Youth Conference and in front of the entire youth group, he asked me point blank what guys I was kissing. That's when I started going to church less. I HATED being around the other girls. It hurt. I've always had a hard time dealing with all my family problems and it seemed like everytime i actually did go to church, it would be to a lesson on eternal families or chastity. So i stopped going altogether. at the end of my freshman year in high school, i moved to a town about an hour away and got a new start. I went back to church and I LOVED it. It seemed like there was no way I could live without the church. I had the best leaders! I loved the YW and leaders so much that after I graduated high school, I kinda just kept going. They finally made me a leader. I was the personal progress leader. But no matter how much I loved church and believed the teachings, I got sicker and sicker. I first got sick when i was 13, but it seemed like everytime i felt firm in the church and my beliefs, some new health problem would pop up. I was 19 at the time and paying my own medical bills and trying to go to college when I could barely get out of bed. But i kept going to church. And then I moved in with my sister back to the town I had moved away from at 15. I went to the singles ward and only one person talked to me. out of the entire ward, only ONE. So i kinda stopped going. Then last April, I moved to New Mexico. I've had some personal issues, along with more health issues. And somewhere along the way between Utah and New Mexico, I stopped believing. It's like everything I had believed before, isn't true anymore. But I'm confused, because there's still a little glimmer in me that wants to believe. I've prayed, I've read the scriptures. I've read all kinds of books, but I can't seem to believe again. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I know Christ died on the cross for me but I don't think I believe in the other things. Take the word of wisdom for example. . . I had been living by the word of wisdom from the time i became a member of the church and most likely the 8 years before that. And no matter what I did, I was still sick. I believe that most of the word of wisdom is true, but how can I believe that alcohol is horrible, when doctor's say a glass of wine a day will help prevent heart disease? And with all the little things the church stresses, like piercings and tattoos and modesty, I think the important things are getting lost. Would God really send me to hell if I had two holes in my ear? or if I had a tattoo. Or even if I wear a sleeveless shirt? I don't believe that. If the Prophet is teaching about all those things and they aren't true, then that means the rest of what he's saying could possibly be not true also. Could somebody help me with this? I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I want to believe, but I can't bring myself to believe because the church focuses so much on the stuff I believe shouldn't matter and pushes aside some issues that matter too much to not be confronted.

[Latter Days Guy]

Hi there, and welcome to LDS Talk. You have had a really bad few years haven't you, with some members of the Church adding to your problems along the way. It isn't any wonder that you are questioning what you believe after the way you have been treated, and I'm sure that I would be doing the same if I had gone through what you have. You are in my prayers, and I hope in the prayers of the other members of this site aswell.

When you moved to New Mexico did you attend Church there? I know that your previous couple of places you lived you had a bad time with church but that doesn't mean that they are all bad. It's good to talk and here is a good starting point to talk through your worries and doubts, it's more or less anonymous here and that can help to get things off your chest. But the best way to get through those problems is to talk them through with a person that you really trust face to face. Is there anyone that you feel you could talk to about this in your local ward?

I also get a bit upset about the focus on what appears to be the external things as apposed to the spiritual things in the Church, the dress code etc that you mentioned in your post. And like you said doctors say that a glass of red wine a day can help you with your heart. The thing is though where do you draw the line? That we have a moral code, a standard of modest dress helps I believe to keep us focused on the spiritual side of life. And yes some doctors say a glass of wine does help, but here in the UK there were other doctors saying the direct opposite. The word of Wisdom gives us a benchmark to live by, and like most things it can be a struggle. I'm a returning member of the Church having spent many years away from it. And in those years I have drunk wine and other alcholic drinks, but now that I've begun to come back to the Church, that has got to stop and it is a struggle. Friends who are not members of the Church find it hard to accept that I no longer drink, as do family members who are not members. It's a struggle, but most things in life are.

I wish I had the perfect answer to your problem, that I could wave a magic wand and get rid of your problems and doubts, but I cannot. I hope that I may in some small way have helped and that others wiser and stronger in the faith also post their advice. I hope that you do work through your doubts and come to a point that you finally have peace in your life.

GB-UK

[shanstress70]

I'm sorry you've gone through all of these things. Life should not be so hard for children.

My point-of-view is a non-LDS one, but I will not say anything controversial.

If the LDS church is best for you and you find that you truly believe it, that's great. But if you find that you don't believe, focus on your belief in Christ and figure out what you do believe. That's tough sometimes... I know as that's what I've been doing the last couple of years after leaving the LDS church. I don't think I ever really believed, but was baptized LDS because of some void in my life. It was hard to believe bc that was just my life. Now I've sorted out my beliefs and everything worked out - life is great!

Hang in there... you'll get it all sorted out!

[Royalohh]

I am saddened to hear what it is you have gone through because it reminds me of things that have happened to me the feelings of isolation and then the doubt. As I have grown through these things I realize that much of the problems were of my own making, low self esteem led to me thinking others didnt like me or care to be around me so I strated to isolate myself which led me further away from the truths of things. there were some very mean and uncaring people that started it all and I just continued downhill. it wasnt untill I moved to a new ward and made or should i say forced myself get to know some people that, that all started to change. I think you have a chance here to really learn and grow in your testimony, but I also think its going to be a tuff time for you. your going to have to trust new people and put your heart in a position to be hurt again, I wish I could say hey no prob go talk to the bishop he will fix it all for you but things like what you are going through right now take time. time for you to learn and figure out your feelings your faith.

I suggest you try to start over, read your scriptures maybe even take the discussions again and reaffirm what your foundation is then you can take the steps you need to move on with your life in the direction you need to go.

My heart goes out to you and so do my prayors I dont know what health problems you face but I know that when a person is sick or in pain it is harder to focus on the important things because our minds or so focused on ourselves. I guess what im trying to say is when I am at my worst when I cant see strait because of the pain I can tell you the only thing that helps me is by doing something for someone else and remembering what my foundation is.

I hope and pray that you can find what you seek and I know that you are not alone not here or in the church. Everyone faces a crises of faith at some time and you can count on the advisary to kick you when your down. hang in there prey often and seek counsel from your bishop or stake leaders.

[Dr T]

Hi chiKin,

I too, am sorry to hear of your difficulties. I pray that you find comfort and growth.

Dr. T

[cutelilchikin]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I liked a lot of what you had to say and I think it will really help me. I've been reading on a lot of the subjects, and that's helping me too. But I'm not sure it's helping me to stay with the church. I think the best thing for me, at least for a while, is to read books and scriptures and study the beliefs part. I need to seperate myself from the people part of it while I figure out if I really do believe the teachings of the church. I think if I figure that out, it will make it easier for me to make the next move (either going back to church, or choosing a different church). Either way, thanks for your support!

[Dr T]

ChiKin,

I hope you find what you are looking for. :)

[Gwen]

chiKin,

studying the doctrine to decide is a great idea. we had a branch pres here that used to say the chruch is perfect not the people, if you focus on them you will never attend anywhere. i'm sorry some of the people have been so ugly. and you can bet they will have to answer for that later. we grow from our challenges. seek the Lord to help you find what it is you should learn. for ex. 6 yrs ago. i got married and moved to a small branch with about 50 active members. in the last 6 yrs, everyone with children moved making mine the entrire primary, the youth graduated and moved away, 5 deaths in one year, in the end we had 2 melch. priesthood holders to do it all and about 15 usually less on sundays. my husband being one of the priesthood, our home had a lot of demands from the chruch, while i was moving from primary pres, to rs pres, now yw (no counselors); and having had 4 children in that time. i was starting to think that we had been forgotten by the church and were being left to die off. but in those years my testamony has grown more than it had the previous 20 yrs in the church. i never knew i could learn so much in 6yrs. still not easy, but i have evedence from past trials that confirm things will be ok and that gives me faith for the current ones. you say you had some good experiances, hang onto those. let me say one thing i don't beleive in accidents. i have come to know with a knowledge that my Heavenly Father does know me, he cares what happens to me, and if i will listen will always show me the way to be the best daughter of god i can be. it may not be easy, but it will be worth it. i have also come to know that he cares just as much for all his children, and when someone not following his guidance makes decisions that hurt us (like your parents or the inappropriate behavior of church members) he can and will make that right for us, sometimes it takes time. we all have things to learn in this life. our heavenly father dosen't allow one of his children to be hurt because someone else has something to learn, no one is expendable. it is sometimes hard for me to beleive when i am hurting or having wavering faith, but like i said there are other times i have no doubt so i rely on those memories and testamony to carry me though. we all have trials, pres. Hinckley's wife put out a book before she passed away and in it she said something to the effect of Be nice, everyone is having a tough time. we have been told we will all be tried as abraham. . . scares me. . . but i know every trial i come through prepares me for success and the reward is more than i can imagine. anyway, i don't know if i said anything that makes any since to you. i know that i had decided not to come on today being the sabath, but my 4 yr old is sick and i had to stay home (he is asleep, no much to do). i told myself i'll just look i won't post. . . . .if you hadn't posted today i wouldn't have even seen it, and even then i almost didn't read it.. . . .i don't know why i did. and here i am posting. go figure. talking to others, compareing trials and bearing testamony growth for it as always helped me. i hope something has made since and i'd love to talk with you more about this if you would like to.

god bless,

ALmom

[BenRaines]

As a suggestion for your study try studying the basic principles and ordinances of the gospel. Faith, repentance, baptism and receiving the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands. Pray and learn about the role of ancient prophets and why we would need a living prophet today. Study the scriptures, I don't mean get a book about the scriptures but read the scriptures and pray and have the Lord do the teaching.

Good Luck,

Ben Raines

[Brother Dorsey]

chiKin....It is my sincere hope and prayer you find the peace you are searching for. The Lord gave us all the gift of agency to believe what we want and make the choices we want...but he gave us something even better...he gave us his son Jesus Christ to show us the way back to him..follow him...remember he Lives and he loves you!

[Lindy]

chiKin~

I'm sorry that life is a rollercoaster at times... up and down..around and around....sometimes you just don't know which way you are really going. You have the basics down girl.... those are most important... you just have to find out what is true for you. I have my faith that won't be crushed... and it is what helps get me thru a lot in this world. I was an adult convert... and found my peace of mind in the LDS faith...but I beleive in what I believe in...and won't let anyone else tell me what is right or wrong on how I feel. There are some things that bother me yes, but I put them on the back burner cause they are not important to me... and will be answered in time.

Make sure you keep the Holy Ghost in your life..... that will give you more guidence and help in finding your answers you need for yourself. I lost the spirit a time or two in my life... and it's not a feeling I like having... or not having as the case may be. Keep yourself in tune.... yes, by reading, praying, fasting and listening to that voice that loves you and want's you to find your way.